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Original poster

To think some women with children look down on childless women?

143 replies

Kartrashian · 20/08/2018 22:12

Just curious really ...

I’m childless and I know at least two women that I see in a social situations (friend of a friend/family member) that genuinely look through me like I’m invisible.

They always make the effort to talk to the other mums.

I do want to stress that I said SOME women .., but has anyone else experienced this?

OP posts:
formerbabe · 21/08/2018 11:37

It works both ways...I have a friend with no children who when my dc were babies would show such disgust at the fact I had to change their nappies and deal with them vomiting etc...lots of 'ew, how do you cope with that?!' Same friend who was horrified to see a sippy cup in the glass display cupboard in my kitchen...Oh the horror of having it on show! This was expressed to me whilst I had a newborn and a toddler to deal withConfused

continuallychargingmyphone · 21/08/2018 11:38

Definitely.

continuallychargingmyphone · 21/08/2018 11:39

There is a particular sort of moral superiority some parents display though - even many adverts have that sort of ‘well if you don’t have kids you can’t understand’

Karigan198 · 21/08/2018 11:40

Doubt it. It’s probably more the automatic reaction of is this persons child’s potential friend for mine investigation you’re seeing. I look sideways at them with envy for being able to do what the hell they like without organising childcare myself!

stayingaliveisawayoflife · 21/08/2018 11:41

I did once get told that I couldn't be a good primary teacher if I wasn't a parent as I would never really understand children to be able to instinctively help them.
20 years later hmmmm!

continuallychargingmyphone · 21/08/2018 11:41

Why did you have kids then? Smile I am not trying to sound like an arse but I don’t understand people who choose to have children and then say they envy everyone without them!

ZigZagZebras · 21/08/2018 11:47

I have 3DC and am currently a SAHM. I don't look down on childless women (how could I as I, and every mum, used to be childless too) however I have much more in common generally with another mum than with a woman who's got free time/working full time.

It would probably be different if I'd gone back to work like after dd1 was born, but currently I've been a SAHM without any time away from the DC for 2 years so my input to conversations about 'none child subjects' would be fairly limited and I'm generally more interested in talking to other mums.

Karigan198 · 21/08/2018 11:49

Lol because I also love my son. Just because you occasionally envy someone having that freedom doesn’t mean you don’t. What a ridiculous thing to say.

LadyRochfordsHoickedGusset · 21/08/2018 11:53

Idk but I've been definitely disapproved of/judged for having my DC as I had them in my twenties and it's not de rigueur these days. I don't give a shit really , glad I had them then, it worked well for all of us and I'm not a sheep 🐑. But I wouldn't judge a child free person or wonder why not, might even be a bit jel at times.

Nakedavenger74 · 21/08/2018 12:00

Oh I've had the smug comments and the side eye.

At a friends drinks. Introduced to woman sitting next me and I asked her where in the town she lived. She told me and said it was handy for the school and asked me how I coped being a bit further away. I said I didn't have children and she looked puzzled and literally walked off.

Friend posted on Facebook "I now realise there is no life before children. How selfish and unknowing I was before these miracles came along!!!" He's unfollowed. Twat.

CrazyDogLady87 · 21/08/2018 12:04

I have experienced this myself, I am not Childless through choice, (cancer, hysterectomy need a surrogate to carry my embryos long story short) however I have been raising DSS since he was 4 (now 11) yet my own sisters often make remarks like "when you are a mum" or friends of friends seem like my experiences and methods don't count, or they look at you like a complete alien! and like you are not a real adult i usually imagine hitting them in the face with a wet fish and it helps!

continuallychargingmyphone · 21/08/2018 12:07

I didn’t mean it to sound ridiculous Smile but I think for most of us, having children is preferable to not, so saying we ‘envy’ childless women is silly.

CrazyDogLady87 · 21/08/2018 12:21

@continuallychargingmyphone

in my personal experience I have had women turn and say to me " wow aren't you lucky to have so much free time on your hands
"(really) then I explained my situation, I am medically unable to have children and desperately wanted to give DSS a brother or sister the worst response I had was, " well trust me its a case of better the devil you know for you!!!!! my jaw hit the floor, I was actually still going through chemotherapy at the time, if I wasn't so ill, and so exhausted i think I would have actually hit her!

I am aware I am extremely fortunate that I have DSS and 6 embryos on ice waiting for a surrogate, however, I've been robbed of feeling a life growing inside me and despite my situation being explained im still looked upon in a weird way like i'm, not a " mum " because i didn't give birth to DSS, yet he calls me mum has little to do with his mum and i raise him with my husband i do everything a mum does but for a handful of mothers it doesnt count or is not the same

BestBeforeYesterday · 21/08/2018 12:29

It goes both ways OP. I have a friend who regularly says she pities child-free people, why would anyone choose not to have kids, what a sad life etc.etc. It really gets my goat, my sister has chosen not to have kids and her life is definitely not sad or pointless! On the other hand, I have had many, many comments from childless women how shit my life with small kids must be. Whatever you do, there's always going to be someone who thinks your choice was wrong.

BestBeforeYesterday · 21/08/2018 12:34

The morning after the Brexit result nobody mentioned it at baby group.
Apparently you didn't mention it either.

WoodliceCollection · 21/08/2018 12:51

No, I think YAB a bit U. Some people of whatever category are not that nice, and "look down" on others for all sorts of reasons. This can be people with or without children. They are a minority and probably just not very nice people.

OTOH some people, again from all categories, over-interpret and project into other people's statements. So for example if one person says "I didn't know love/responsibility/exhaustion/whatever until I had children", the "projecty" people over-interpret this as the person having said no one knows X/Y/Z until they have children (or get married, or get a pet, or have an illness or whatever- it's not always about kids). This is clearly not what the first person said at all! But it is a common cognitive error to generalise like this, and one which makes a lot of people defensive or unhappy.

Not sure what the solution is for the latter, I think CBT can help some with this tendency, also just trying to listen carefully I suppose. I know I do it myself sometimes and it isn't easy to address when it's not a conscious thought pattern!

continuallychargingmyphone · 21/08/2018 12:54

CrazyDogLady87 Flowers

The ‘freedom’ thing can be so insensitive. I know it isn’t intended as such, though. Cake

ThatsWotSheSaid · 21/08/2018 12:56

I think if anything I feel a bit less for having children. It’s a bit like suddenly all you are is a Mum. The exciting career options, holidays, and going out that my childfree friends talk about seems so much more than going to soft play. The grass is always greener.

Juanbablo · 21/08/2018 12:59

I can only speak for myself but I've no idea why anyone would look down on a childless person.

CountFosco · 21/08/2018 13:01

Have no idea what responsibility is as I dont have children
Again, not that you can't be a responsible human being without children, particularly since you're a nurse, but parents have gone through the transition from being responsible primarily for their own selves, to having another person wholly dependent on them basically 24/7/365

My Mum looked after her DF when he was dying and said it was like looking after a (16st) baby but unlike a child when there's joy in their ability to do more and more everyday with a person who is dying they can do less and less each day and you know there's only one ending.

I think there are several things that can happen to you in life that make you 'grow up' a bit more. Children can be one of them but so is caring for a family member when they are very ill or going through a bereavement. Children are not the only route to finding out you sometimes don't come first.

CuppaSarah · 21/08/2018 13:20

Of course they do sometimes. My child free sister looks down on mother's plenty too. I look down on people who refuse to buy off brand groceries. My dad looks down on people who don't drive at the speed he wants them to. My friend judges people by their choice of tea.

No matter what we all say, we're all quietly pretty judgemental. And that's fine, it's when we let that judgement effect how we treat people when it becomes an issue.

TheGoddessFrigg · 21/08/2018 13:27

have a friend with no children who when my dc were babies would show such disgust at the fact I had to change their nappies and deal with them vomiting etc...lots of 'ew, how do you cope with that?

She obviously never had animals then Wink. After pulling a sock out of our beagle's arse - I am immune to most things.

angstinabaggyjumper · 21/08/2018 13:28

I feel a lesser person for not having children. How many times the introduction to a new acquaintance and the expectant question "Do you have children?" hoping to find some common ground no doubt and instead I have to reply "No". I don't know how to soften the blow, I don't know how to say it nicely. These days I just say "Sadly no" because it's better than a blunt conversation stopping "No". Don't tell me that every single childless woman hasn't been battered by this thoughtless question.

fieryginger · 21/08/2018 13:35

I've learned that, if you are childless, it doesn't mean you are not a nurturing or "maternal" person. The two ladies I'm thinking of are brilliant with children, one works in childcare.

HobNobcentral · 21/08/2018 14:45

I’m between childless and childfree.
In other words it never happened for us (TMI alert, 20+ years of shagging with no protection)

But also we’ve never followed it up. I spent most of my teens working as babysitter etc and been told what a great mother I’d be…

My favoured part of baby sitting was giving them back😊

In general I haven’t encountered too much looking down on me. However there are 2 people that I can’t forget.
(1) at a formal dinner, making small talk with another woman who asked if I’ve got children, I replied no. Her answer was oh good there enough pakis runnng around as it is (DP is Indian) I stood there like 🤬😳😳

(2) when I was nursing I mentored a student who thought that been a mother surpassed my 15 years experience and argued with me (including in front of patients) and started. each statement with ‘as a mother I think…)
It got so bad I asked the ward sister to observe. When I failed her, and recommended she repeat the placement. she claim I did it because I was jealous of her having children.
As I said I’d asked the ward sister to observe and her feedback was she shouldn’t repeat the placement she should be chucked of the course.