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Original poster

To think some women with children look down on childless women?

143 replies

Kartrashian · 20/08/2018 22:12

Just curious really ...

I’m childless and I know at least two women that I see in a social situations (friend of a friend/family member) that genuinely look through me like I’m invisible.

They always make the effort to talk to the other mums.

I do want to stress that I said SOME women .., but has anyone else experienced this?

OP posts:
trulyscrumptiousy · 20/08/2018 23:33

I got this. I write books, educational children’s books. During my ten years of ivf I was asked several times by mothers whether and why I thought I was qualified to write children’s books as I was not a mother. 🙄

At first I’d say something like not all teachers are parents, or not all vets have a pet (😆) but eventually just pointed out that my books are great sellers so the product speaks for itself!

Oddly, now I have a child my written output has slowed to approximately 10%. I do not stay awake enough to write or have coherent thoughts about writing. With hindsite, my answer now would be “Yes I’m qualified because when I’m a parent I won’t have the bloody time!”

midgesforever · 20/08/2018 23:39

truly I got this all the time when I worked in child protection and didn't have kids. Ironically I think I have become more judgemental of some parents since having my DC not less.

trulyscrumptiousy · 20/08/2018 23:41

midgesforever Right. My son has turned out to be a little brainbix so I would have pitched everything at the wrong level if I had used him as a guide anyway!

trulyscrumptiousy · 20/08/2018 23:42

BrainBOX 😃

Iwantaunicorn · 20/08/2018 23:48

Before I had kids I had a couple of friends who did this - they acted as though they were some kind of higher being and I was less of a woman because I was childfree.

Now I have kids, I still think they’re twats, and don’t see them. They now act like they’re better than me because they’ve been doing it longer 🤣

Some women are just bitches!

GunpowderGelatine · 20/08/2018 23:56

It's probably envy not that I am jealous, not at all, honest

FourAlarmFire · 20/08/2018 23:57

Some people are just nasty. I tend to view people who are childfree by choice with faint awe and a lot of respect! Our society is so focused on children, deciding not to have any shows you know your own mind. People who haven’t chosen it though have a seriously tough time. I just try my best not to go on about the DC and not to make insensitive comments. The trouble is I’m sure there must be people who claim to be in the first group who are actually in the second and I need to be careful not to go on about what a great life they have.

Timefortea99 · 21/08/2018 00:14

If someone says they are child free by choice, take them at face value. A colleague in her mid 40s who wanted kids suddenly got pregnant without treatment. She said she was scared to tell me, she knew I always wanted kids. I barely spoke to her about anything let alone a desire to have kids. I have never wanted them, never thought of having them, kids have never been on my radar at all. I like babies in the way that I like puppies, but never wanted one (I would like a puppy though). She was projecting her long held desire for one onto me. She had concluded I was infertile. I was a bit gobsmacked and wanted to call her a f. Idiot but I thought that would have confirmed her reasoning.

Hazardswan · 21/08/2018 00:25

With you all the way OP. I always wonder what these people were like pre kids, perhaps they themselves were irresponsible etc and assume everyone is the same as them.

Enidblyton1 · 21/08/2018 00:26

But how do you know they look through you because you don’t have children?! Could be any number of reasons surely?

Enidblyton1 · 21/08/2018 00:27

I’ve only come across the reverse - people feeling left out because they have children and no longer being perceived as exciting now they spend their time changing nappies etc.

maskingtape · 21/08/2018 00:29

I have one person in particular who does and who has more than once said people without kids don't have a life and have no responsibilities. She seems to believe that the childfree people should do the late work when needed. She has no idea how awful she makes me feel on a fairly regular basis.

HelenaDove · 21/08/2018 00:37

"She seems to believe that the childfree people should do the late work when needed"

i bet she includes any bank holiday or Christmas working in that.

LightDrizzle · 21/08/2018 00:43

God that’s awful! And I’m shocked it goes on. Quite a few of my closest friends don’t have children and I’m 47. I’m not aware of anyone looking down on them.
I have witnessed the odd friend become a baby bore in the early months/years and doing that tediously solipsistic thing of banging on about there being nothing like it...you don’t know love until... - which always think is quite offensive.
As to not being a proper adult; responsibilities blah-blah, well there are plenty of muppets who have apparently mastered the whole penis in vagina thing with resultant offspring and remain muppets, despite the sacred mantle of parenthood resting upon their shoulders.
I do struggle not to judge people with such views harshly. It’s just so limited of them, like other forms of bigotry.

EnidButton · 21/08/2018 02:51

I have felt the same as Tangled and Purple.

Very glad to read here they not all women with children feel that way and would never exclude a childless (or child free) woman purely for that reason. That's very positive. However it definitely does happen.

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/08/2018 02:57

Surely all women with children were child free at some point. I was for almost four decades! And there are things I simply didn`t understand before I had a child.

Doesn`t make people without children worse.

BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 21/08/2018 03:42

One of my friends is childfree by choice. She doesn’t want, has never wanted and says she probably never will want children. It’s never been an issue that I have kids and she doesn’t.

I have met people, parents and non parents, who judge anyone who does anything differently to them. Just pretentious arseholes, they exist everywhere!

IvyFluids · 21/08/2018 03:53

I wouldn't say that I am looked down on but I am certainly treated differently. According to many mothers I:
Cant be tired because I dont have children
Cant be a good nurse because I dont understand parents
Am selfish because I have money to spend on frivolities
Am boasting when I talk about things that DH and I do
Spend too much time and money on the dogs
Shouldnt have dogs as they scare their children (they are geriatric, toothless and blind pugs)
Am wasting my life but not being a mother
Have no idea what responsibility is as I dont have children

SoozC · 21/08/2018 07:18

I feel I have been socially programmed to feel inferior because I'm childless, mainly because of my large family and the fact so many of them got married and had children fairly young. I am late 30s and only got married recently and spent many years pretending I didn't care when asked if I was getting married. I've had comments as a teacher that I can't possibly understand children due to not being a mum.

It has taken us 2 1/2 years for us to get to the position where I'm now in the second trimester. I wanted to be a mum for many years before that but had to hide my desire because I didn't want the pity.

Sallygoroundthemoon · 21/08/2018 07:22

I don't feel looked down on but I'm definitely not taken as seriously, because I'm not a mother don't you know. My relationship difficulties are dismissed as the 'fun' of dating and although I had a horrible breakdown last week I've had little or no support from a couple of close friends with kids. Because how serious could it be? I don't have a FAMILY to look after.

Zoomzoomzoomzoom0 · 21/08/2018 07:31

I think in some cases there is a bit of projection going on. I have friends who are childless and childfree. One childless children talks almost non stop about how society is judging her and how rude people are to her because she is "childless". It's really tedious, in the same way as someone who talks non stop about their kids.
I also have friends who are child free. We had a particular hobby in common before I had kids, and we still have it in common now. They ask politely about my kids and I try to answer succinctly, and not bang on, because I know there's a limit to their interest Smile We don't judge each other because we are friends. And they are too secure in themselves to notice or care what others say or think.

Zoomzoomzoomzoom0 · 21/08/2018 07:33

*One childless woman

thereareflowersinmygarden · 21/08/2018 07:36

I absolutely do not.

I value my friends who don't have kids very highly-they keep me connected to the world beyond nappies and toddler dribble down my cleavage.

I do have a female relative however who never shuts up about being childfree. Any conversation about my son gets hijacked to being about how wonderful her life is. She's truly tedious.

Thebluedog · 21/08/2018 07:37

I don’t necessarily think it’s ‘looking down on them’ but I do have a friend that is so into her children and family that she finds it incredible that anyone would not want to have children. I have 2 dc, but have always struggled with my dc, I’m not a natural mother or particularly enjoy it. We were having a discussion the other day and she asked if I had my time again would I have children again. I said no, and she was completely gob smacked at my answer. I did feel quite looked down on, but I don’t think she meant it like that, she simply couldn’t understand why I’d not do it again.

Timeisslippingaway · 21/08/2018 07:39

No I’ve generally found it the other way in my experience.

Dito