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Original poster

Just been told i can't have a second baby..

83 replies

NaiceHamPlease · 15/08/2018 13:06

Not sure where to put this, and not really sure what I'm asking, just need to write it down. Please let me know if there is a more appropriate topic.

I'm the very proud mum to an 8 month old boy. I'm 41, and although my first pregnancy at 40 resulted in a long and drawn out misscarrige this pregnancy was text book. I was low risk, no issues and I felt well throughout. The birth was not text book. I had a very rapid delivery and large hemhorage. I then went on to have a second hemhorage three weeks later, then a third after an operation to remove retained products. I'm all good now and no lasting damage. My boy is perfect.iknow I'm incredibly lucky for that.

I went for a debrief with a senior midwife yesterday as everything happened so fast and I had a few questions before we wanted to try for a sibling. Basically the hemhorages were far more serious than I'd realised and the risks of this happening again, particularly with my age, are huge. In the words of the midwife " the next hemhorage will be catastrophic and if you were my daughter I'd be insisting you don't try again". There nothing to be done to mitigate the risks. It terrified me.

I'm heartbroken, I've never wanted my boy to be an only child, I've bounced back from his birth remarkably well and had no idea how serious the situation had been. My GP happily told to crack on when I was ready recently as there was no reason to think I'd have any further issues. The midwife was very adamant it's would be a very unwise choice.

I can't really take it in, I don't know how to process it. I have the overwhelming feeling I couldn't risk leaving my boy, and a new baby, without their mum, so will not try for another but my heart hurts. Little babies and pregnant ladies are everywhere I look. Do I just accept her words? I don't know.

She mentioned the Foster to Adopt scheme and implied my husband and I would be very favourably considered. It's something we would explore further certainly but I don't really know where to start.

Any similar experiences or advice would be greatly received. I feel guilty, thinking I should be happy with my lovely boy, specially at my age, but I have the overwhelming feeling I don't want him to be an only, particularly as we have very little close family and are older ourselves. I just don't know what to think.

OP posts:
ReevaDiva · 15/08/2018 13:10

I'm sorry, what a horrible thing to hear.

Honestly, I think I'd be looking for a consultant's opinion. I think you have to understand what caused the haemorrhage to know if it will happen again. It sounds like she didn't fully explain to you what the circumstances were, if I'm right?

You should probably explore as much as you can before coming to a decision, so that at least if you decide against a second, your mind is at rest.

laptopdisaster · 15/08/2018 13:11

Midwife opinion? Take it with a pinch of salt and ask to see a cobsultant. Then consider a complaint against the MW. She's well outside her area of expertise giving that sort of advice

bluebell34567 · 15/08/2018 13:13

can you talk to your gp again and a gynecologist?

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Sunshiness · 15/08/2018 13:14

I'm so sorry, that must have been such a shock. Flowers

I can understand your sadness.

Could you ask for a second opinion just to be completely sure?

mydogsayswoof · 15/08/2018 13:16

Agree with the others op. Go and see a specialist. You obviously don't want to haemorrhage again, but you need the facts from a consultant.

Eeeeek2 · 15/08/2018 13:17

I'd speak to the gp about getting to referred to the consultant to discuss the risks.

Also how would a midwife know whether you'd be considered favourably for foster to adopt?

bigKiteFlying · 15/08/2018 13:18

My GP happily told to crack on when I was ready recently as there was no reason to think I'd have any further issues. The midwife was very adamant it's would be a very unwise choice.

I think I'd go back to the GP and asked to be refered to a consultant as you've had very conflicting information.

heebiejeebie · 15/08/2018 13:19

This sounds bizarre. What about elective section?

serenmoon · 15/08/2018 13:19

Could you ask for a copy of your notes and then go and see an obstetrician consultant for a second opinion? I'm not really sure a midwife is qualified to give that sort of advice.

Talith · 15/08/2018 13:20

I agree, get more advice. More specialist advice. Second opinions, and a consultant's view.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 15/08/2018 13:23

I suppose it depends on the reason why you haemorrhaged, how close you actually were to death etc so until you are told that by an expert I would not give up hope.

AlbertaSimmons · 15/08/2018 13:23

Midwife is not qualified to even have this discussion with you - that's the job of a consultant obstetrician. Telling you that she would advise her daughter not to go through another birth is not the same as telling you that you can't have a second child, so don't take that too much to heart. She's also not remotely qualified to tell you whether you would be favourably regarded for fostering / adoption - that's the job of a social worker.

You need proper advice from people who know what they're talking about. You should ask your GP for a referral.

supersop60 · 15/08/2018 13:32

Another vote here for further consultation. So sorry for what you've been through, and congrats on your lovely boy.

MadameJosephine · 15/08/2018 13:33

I agree that this is not really a conversation to be having with a midwife. What she would advise her daughter to do is irrelevant, what you need is a frank discussion with a consultant obstetrician about the risks and what, if anything, could be done to reduce them and then the decision is yours. Ask your GP to refer you

Mishappening · 15/08/2018 13:36

Definitely ask for an appointment with the consultant whose care you were under and ask her opinion.

I would not end all possibility of further family on the say-so only of a midwife, especially as the GP seems to be cool with it.

Uncreative · 15/08/2018 13:39

Make an appointment to speak to your GP about this and ask for a referral to an ob/gyn.
Getting a second opinion is never wrong. In fact, it is the smart thing to do when so many people have told you that the midwife is acting above her pay grade.

HollowTalk · 15/08/2018 13:40

Fostering to adopt is very, very different, though. It's not like the past where teenagers were told to have their babies adopted - children who are going through the fostering and adoption process are usually traumatised by their early days at home and their experience of being passed to more than one foster carer. They deserve someone's full focus.

kaytee87 · 15/08/2018 13:40

Ask to be referred to a consultant and ask their opinion. I don't think a midwife is qualified to tell you not to have another baby. It sounds like she was giving an unprofessional opinion 'if you were my daughter'.

kaytee87 · 15/08/2018 13:42

And her saying you'd be considered favourably to adopt? Nothing to do with a midwife. Sounds like she was just mouthing off.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 15/08/2018 13:44

I’m very sorry you got this “news”.

This is not midwife bashing at all as I think that most of them are great and an invaluable resource. BUT they are not qualified to give this sort of advice. I had a similar (wasn’t quite as definitive) when discharged after a very difficult emergency section with DD1. It left me thinking I’d be reckless to try again. When I had my 6 week check up with my GP and asked about it he could not see anything in my notes to support what I had been told. Referred me to a consultant and was told I must have misunderstood the midwife. I definitely had not but I let it go and was just glad I was fine to try again. I went on to have 2 more children.

I’m not saying it’s safe for you to disregard the advice. But I am saying you need to get this checked out with your consultant.

Whatever the outcom I wish you well.

bengalcat · 15/08/2018 13:46

You need to see a Consultant Obstetrician - rare for a Dr to advise against pregnancy but they could inform you of the risks then it's up to you

Zoflorabore · 15/08/2018 13:47

Definitely Do not take this as gospel op.

The midwife may be being over dramatic and whilst they are certainly very knowledgeable people, they are not gynaecologists who have years and years of training over things like this.

Something as huge as this shouldn't be on the say so of the midwife. Please seek further advice.

I had a huge haemorrhage after ds and was rushed straight to theatre where I was for hours and didn't get to hold him until the next day. I was 8 years older having dd and was petrified it would happen again ( I also had pre eclampsia with ds ) and apart from being in horrific pain due to having fibromyalgia, I had a much easier pregnancy and zero birth complications --apart from
a clitoral tear--

Zoflorabore · 15/08/2018 13:48

Oops- strikethrough fail, first one ever Blush

PinkHeart5914 · 15/08/2018 13:51

I think I’d talk to someone a bit higher up than a midwife tbh! Yes midwives can be great but something about this doesn’t sound right.

Would a planned c section help reduce the risk at all?

As for her mentioning adoption, how unprofessional! you don’t say oh I’d recommend you don’t have another baby why not adopt I mean adopting is as easy as going to Sainsbury’s isn’t it?

Definitely speak to a professional that knows what they are talking about becuase she doesn’t

BewareOfDragons · 15/08/2018 13:52

Talk to a Consultant.

Your midwife sounds biased. And she's not a doctor.

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