Just been told i can't have a second baby..

[NaiceHamPlease]

Not sure where to put this, and not really sure what I'm asking, just need to write it down. Please let me know if there is a more appropriate topic.

I'm the very proud mum to an 8 month old boy. I'm 41, and although my first pregnancy at 40 resulted in a long and drawn out misscarrige this pregnancy was text book. I was low risk, no issues and I felt well throughout. The birth was not text book. I had a very rapid delivery and large hemhorage. I then went on to have a second hemhorage three weeks later, then a third after an operation to remove retained products. I'm all good now and no lasting damage. My boy is perfect.iknow I'm incredibly lucky for that.

I went for a debrief with a senior midwife yesterday as everything happened so fast and I had a few questions before we wanted to try for a sibling. Basically the hemhorages were far more serious than I'd realised and the risks of this happening again, particularly with my age, are huge. In the words of the midwife " the next hemhorage will be catastrophic and if you were my daughter I'd be insisting you don't try again". There nothing to be done to mitigate the risks. It terrified me.

I'm heartbroken, I've never wanted my boy to be an only child, I've bounced back from his birth remarkably well and had no idea how serious the situation had been. My GP happily told to crack on when I was ready recently as there was no reason to think I'd have any further issues. The midwife was very adamant it's would be a very unwise choice.

I can't really take it in, I don't know how to process it. I have the overwhelming feeling I couldn't risk leaving my boy, and a new baby, without their mum, so will not try for another but my heart hurts. Little babies and pregnant ladies are everywhere I look. Do I just accept her words? I don't know.

She mentioned the Foster to Adopt scheme and implied my husband and I would be very favourably considered. It's something we would explore further certainly but I don't really know where to start.

Any similar experiences or advice would be greatly received. I feel guilty, thinking I should be happy with my lovely boy, specially at my age, but I have the overwhelming feeling I don't want him to be an only, particularly as we have very little close family and are older ourselves. I just don't know what to think.

Interesting reading. I had a bad PPH with DD1 and a worse one with DD2 which put me in the HDU for a few days. We would like a third baby but whenever me and DH gave properly considered it we do go down the “maybe we’ve pushed our luck” route and I think maybe I need a proper debrief.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I've had some time to think a bit this afternoon.

Please don't think for a second I'm not absolutely thankful to have my son, for many years I didn't think I'd get the chance to have a family so he is my absolute world. During my second haemorrhage (I can't spell it either), home alone with him, my over riding fear was not for myself but for him being left alone. I'm in no rush to do anything that could risk this again. I can also see the benefits of him being an only child. I'm lucky we live in a small town and have built a lovely network of friends his age so he'll always have other kids around him.

I know there are no guarantees I'd easily be able to get pregnant again at 41 and am very aware I'd still need to get past the early weeks and all the uncertainty they bring as an older mum. Losing my first pregnancy has shown me that.

I'm just so shocked to have been told yesterday, so quickly, that my hopes for at least trying for a second baby are not worth the risk. I just thought I'd be advised to have extra monitoring, blood cross matched, delivery suit and canulas in place and so on. I do know opting for a section doesn't reduce the risk of bleeding.

I'm certainly going to speak to my GP about a referral to explore the risks fully. I'm still none the wiser as to the cause of the PPH's. I want to know why it happened. Was it because I had retained placenta or because my uterus didn't contract properly? I'd assumed the first PPH was due to a rapid labour, second PPH was caused by the retained placenta and the third PPH was because of the D&C to remove it. I remember a discussion about checking the placenta in the delivery room and a MW saying 'I thinks it's complete', it obviously wasn't, but the MW yesterday glossed over that aspect and implied all 3 PPH's were due to my age and my incompetent uterus not contracting.

I know I need to find out as much as possible in order to accept the decision either way. I know absolutely I'd only go ahead of there were minimal risks as the thought of leaving my boy and potentially a new born motherless just isn't worth the gamble.

In the cold light of day I do think the adoption stuff was really inappropriate too.

So I'll be making a GP appointment tomorrow and take it from there.... in the meantime I'll go and cuddle my lovely boy.

OP, speaking to your doctor and getting a referral is a good idea, get all the information. If the MW glossed over things, your recollection might actually be correct.

If you then decide not to go ahead, you will better from making that decision in the light of full information.

Agreed with others. Get a consultants opinion, don’t trust a Midwife’s however senior. They are NOT experts on your fertility.

I have had two haemorrhages fwiw but I’m pregnant with my fourth, it hasn’t deterred me however frightening it was.

The PPH’s were down to reasons you suggested, definitely not your age. The midwife is talking nonsense.

I cannot see how your age would increase the risk of PPH.

Recent

I was told not to have any more by my very experienced health visitor, but also having read my notes when I managed to get hold of my file, and talking to the consultant haematologist, I concluded they were right. I've never regretted having an only, and ds doesn't mind being an only either, (or so he tells me), and at 23, I think he knows!