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Original poster

Just been told i can't have a second baby..

83 replies

NaiceHamPlease · 15/08/2018 13:06

Not sure where to put this, and not really sure what I'm asking, just need to write it down. Please let me know if there is a more appropriate topic.

I'm the very proud mum to an 8 month old boy. I'm 41, and although my first pregnancy at 40 resulted in a long and drawn out misscarrige this pregnancy was text book. I was low risk, no issues and I felt well throughout. The birth was not text book. I had a very rapid delivery and large hemhorage. I then went on to have a second hemhorage three weeks later, then a third after an operation to remove retained products. I'm all good now and no lasting damage. My boy is perfect.iknow I'm incredibly lucky for that.

I went for a debrief with a senior midwife yesterday as everything happened so fast and I had a few questions before we wanted to try for a sibling. Basically the hemhorages were far more serious than I'd realised and the risks of this happening again, particularly with my age, are huge. In the words of the midwife " the next hemhorage will be catastrophic and if you were my daughter I'd be insisting you don't try again". There nothing to be done to mitigate the risks. It terrified me.

I'm heartbroken, I've never wanted my boy to be an only child, I've bounced back from his birth remarkably well and had no idea how serious the situation had been. My GP happily told to crack on when I was ready recently as there was no reason to think I'd have any further issues. The midwife was very adamant it's would be a very unwise choice.

I can't really take it in, I don't know how to process it. I have the overwhelming feeling I couldn't risk leaving my boy, and a new baby, without their mum, so will not try for another but my heart hurts. Little babies and pregnant ladies are everywhere I look. Do I just accept her words? I don't know.

She mentioned the Foster to Adopt scheme and implied my husband and I would be very favourably considered. It's something we would explore further certainly but I don't really know where to start.

Any similar experiences or advice would be greatly received. I feel guilty, thinking I should be happy with my lovely boy, specially at my age, but I have the overwhelming feeling I don't want him to be an only, particularly as we have very little close family and are older ourselves. I just don't know what to think.

OP posts:
theredjellybean · 15/08/2018 13:53

Definitely ask for consultant reviews.
I had heamorragge after Dd1, told needed hospital delivery with iv lines in place just in case for dd2.
When I told midwifes they poo pooed it and tried to tell me I could have a home birth!
Luckily I am a doctor and knew they were talking bollocks. I insisted and then had placental abrupt ion... Those iv lines saved my life. I had to have a hysterectomy during my crash section, same midwife at debrief later said 'so if you go for number three you really aren't at any higher risk you know'

I literally laughed.. And said no I wouldn't be Cus the only way I'd get number three is via a surrogate Cus I had a HYSTERECTOMY you idiot...

So.. Don't trust a word that comes out of their mouths

diddl · 15/08/2018 13:55

If the cause isn't known, all they can say I would have thought is that you are at risk of it happening again.

LeftRightCentre · 15/08/2018 14:01

No chance I'd take one person's opinion on this, even a consultant. I'd see at least two. The only times I've heard of people being told 'please don't have another child, you'll die' is if they've had a condition like cardiomyopathy or placenta acreta. I would see your GP and ask for consultant referral and if you can go a private one, too.

I'd be insulted by the 'just adopt' line. It is not an option for everyone, is certainly not just for people who don't want or cannot have a child and is not a consolation prize.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
KingLooieCatz · 15/08/2018 14:01

Quite apart from anything else, while fostering or adoption may feature in your future life, now is NOT the time to consider it. IF the conclusion is that it would be unsafe to try for another baby, Social Services would need to be sure that you'd come to terms with that, right now you've only just started considering the possibility. Might have been a clumsy attempt by a midwife to soften the blow. Agree with everyone else, get a more senior opinion.

For what it's worth we decided not to try for a second because, for various reasons, life was a struggle already and adding a newborn to the mix might have meant the end of our marriage. It took a while to come to terms with it, but our only is 9 now and we're a happy little family.

DC3dilemma · 15/08/2018 14:06

Yep, agree, you need to speak to a consultant obstetrician, even two. The midwife’s opinion in these medical complications is unlikely to be as informed.

SirVixofVixHall · 15/08/2018 14:13

Like everyone else, I say talk to a consultant in obvs and gynae. Pm me if you want the name of a lovely private one, but you can ask your GP to refer you. I really wouldn’t assume that you can’t try again until you’ve spoken to the consultant about risks and options such as elective c-section.
Wishing you good luck and hoping it is more positive news next time.

SirVixofVixHall · 15/08/2018 14:14

OBS and gynae, not obvs. Obvs.

hungryhippie · 15/08/2018 14:21

I hemorrhaged with my first, I have a clotting issue so really low platelets (32) and still had 2 more kids. I never bled at all with the later 2.

Blood products and cannulas were all in place just in case, and a obstetrician was there for the birth. I never needed the bloods.

My obstetrician said that after a haemorrhage with your first, it doesn't make it more likely to happen again.

canonlydoblue · 15/08/2018 14:21

So sorry that you were told this. What a blow. I second talking to a consultant and maybe going down the planned c-section route.

UnaOfStormhold · 15/08/2018 14:21

I agree with the advice to get a consultant's opinion. Buf I also wanted to say that there's a disproportionate amount of attention paid to the disadvantages of being an only child and not enough to the advantages (more parental attention, time etc). So if you are indeed in the position of not being able to have the second child you want, there is real cause for sadness but no need to make that worse by feeling guilty on top of that. I'm slowly coming to terms with not having a second child (infertility related) and I found the book "Parenting your only child" really helpful in dispelling the myths that were making me feel so much worse than I needed to.

Hubblebubble64 · 15/08/2018 14:22

Hi, I totally understand how you are feeling that was me 10 years ago I have now adopted two children I fostered and my family is complete. My road is not for everyone and you will need time to accept your current news.

Foster careers are always in demand ring your local social services and they can give you more information when your ready.

joystir59 · 15/08/2018 14:22

Maybe once you are over the shock you will gain some perspective and sheer joyful gratitude for the wonderful child you have. Why would you risk that child becoming motherless at a young age?

Wonkypalmtree · 15/08/2018 14:23

I would speak to a consultant but also consider that a second was never guaranteed. My DD is an unintended only child and she is having a great life!

Tinkobell · 15/08/2018 14:26

Def get at least one other professional opinion.....where in U.K. are you???? Do that first before you think too hard about anything. I can PM detsils of a SE England Gynaecologist / Obstretricisn who specialises in abnormal bleeding who I have trusted with my and my DS's life.

If this prognosis is final, what about other options of adopting or surrogacy. I know a mother of a surrogate baby, life's worked out splendidly for them all.

SirVixofVixHall · 15/08/2018 14:30

I also agree with Una re only children, should that end up being the case. I have two, the eldest was away at camp recently, and I could lavish attention on the smaller one, I had a sense of what having just one would have been like, different , but with advantages of its own. There are pros and cons however many you have.

dinnerisup · 15/08/2018 14:32

I would definitely see a consultant about this, quite surprised that a midwife would tell you this as a matter-of-fact, when really it sounds like her opinion only. I've had a large haemorrhage during labour and much higher risk for further complication next time round but was never told by a consultant that I can't have another baby. They have just said that it'll have to be a planned c-section next time. Fingers crossed that it'll be similar for you.

HollowTalk · 15/08/2018 14:36

@theredjellybean You are a doctor? Really?

NicoAndTheNiners · 15/08/2018 14:37

I used to do debriefs as a senior midwife and I'd never say such a thing. I'd refer you to see a consultant.

Plenty of women have second baby after a major pph first time. There are steps which can be put in place such as cannulation in labour, 40iu synto straight after birth, xmatch blood in the fridge.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 15/08/2018 14:38

It is imperative you seek a consultant opinion.

Whilst I’m sure the midwife meant well the reference to “if you were her daughter” is crossing a professional line that is bringing unnecessary emotion into a conversation that needed to be based of clinical facts.

TomHardysNextWife · 15/08/2018 14:38

Firstly a planned c section wouldn't make any difference - I haemorrhaged massively after both of mine.

Secondly, see a Consultant. I was told not to have any more in theatre by the surgeon, and can honestly say it was devastating. I don't think I'd have readily accepted that from a midwife.

harrassedmum18 · 15/08/2018 14:40

Like the others have said, go back to the GP, explain what the midwife said and ask to see a consultant. Her opinion is not the final word on the matter. Hugs xx

MarthasGinYard · 15/08/2018 14:41

Personally I'd pay private and get a second opinion Thanks

gobbin · 15/08/2018 14:47

theredjellybean You are a doctor? Really

...was my first thought too. Can’t spell haemhorrage and using text speak. Unless she’s intentionally dumbing herself down.

I’d repeat getting another opinion. I was told after my DS that I should wait a good couple of years to let everything heal properly and settle (by the Consultant) which made sense at the time.

Never went on to have a second and DS has grown up fine as an only child (I was an only, so I know what it was like).

Oliversmumsarmy · 15/08/2018 14:52

Is the MW on some sort of commission.

She gives you a diagnosis that she is not qualified to give then does a hard sell on fostering and adoption.

I would be wondering how many more women have believed her and not had a subsequent child because of her mis placed diagnosis.

I would report her just on mentioning the Foster to Adopt comment.

I think you need to go back to your Dr and get referred to see what exactly went wrong before making any decisions.

MaverickSnoopy · 15/08/2018 14:53

As I was reading your thread I was thinking second opinion (or even a first!). You're so understandably upset that you're right in the midst of it to see what we see.

It may be that the midwife if right, but I can't see how she is qualified to know this. This is likely just her opinion...based on what who knows!

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