Just been told i can't have a second baby..

[NaiceHamPlease]

Not sure where to put this, and not really sure what I'm asking, just need to write it down. Please let me know if there is a more appropriate topic.

I'm the very proud mum to an 8 month old boy. I'm 41, and although my first pregnancy at 40 resulted in a long and drawn out misscarrige this pregnancy was text book. I was low risk, no issues and I felt well throughout. The birth was not text book. I had a very rapid delivery and large hemhorage. I then went on to have a second hemhorage three weeks later, then a third after an operation to remove retained products. I'm all good now and no lasting damage. My boy is perfect.iknow I'm incredibly lucky for that.

I went for a debrief with a senior midwife yesterday as everything happened so fast and I had a few questions before we wanted to try for a sibling. Basically the hemhorages were far more serious than I'd realised and the risks of this happening again, particularly with my age, are huge. In the words of the midwife " the next hemhorage will be catastrophic and if you were my daughter I'd be insisting you don't try again". There nothing to be done to mitigate the risks. It terrified me.

I'm heartbroken, I've never wanted my boy to be an only child, I've bounced back from his birth remarkably well and had no idea how serious the situation had been. My GP happily told to crack on when I was ready recently as there was no reason to think I'd have any further issues. The midwife was very adamant it's would be a very unwise choice.

I can't really take it in, I don't know how to process it. I have the overwhelming feeling I couldn't risk leaving my boy, and a new baby, without their mum, so will not try for another but my heart hurts. Little babies and pregnant ladies are everywhere I look. Do I just accept her words? I don't know.

She mentioned the Foster to Adopt scheme and implied my husband and I would be very favourably considered. It's something we would explore further certainly but I don't really know where to start.

Any similar experiences or advice would be greatly received. I feel guilty, thinking I should be happy with my lovely boy, specially at my age, but I have the overwhelming feeling I don't want him to be an only, particularly as we have very little close family and are older ourselves. I just don't know what to think.

She mentioned the Foster to Adopt scheme and implied my husband and I would be very favourably considered.

Something that she has no control over or involvement in

I would see a consultant, she certainly isn't qualified to make any suggestions about adoption which implies that she may give her opinion rather too freely.

Sorry to hear this OP.

I wanted to let you know that I was told not to have any more DC after DS was born. I'd had a brain haemorrhage which was believed to have been caused by pituitary enlargement due to pregnancy. It happened 2 weeks before DS was born and I almost died and had to have him via planned emergency section.

I initially accepted that I should have no more DC. Then, partly due to other people's expectations that I should have a second child, I asked for a second opinion.

I paid to see a wonderful consultant who looked thoroughly at my past history and rescanned my brain. He also took advice from experts in hormones and a brain surgeon. Eventually we had a multidisciplinary meeting where the advice was that there was a definite risk of a reoccurrence, and that it could kill me instantly- but that it was a complex issue and that if I decided to have another baby that I would be watched and monitored very very closely.

Immediately afterwards I looked at my little boy in the waiting room with my mum. I realised he needed me and that I couldn't take the risk of it happening again.

I've not regretted that decision, although sometimes other people's comments about only children have stung. I'm an only child, as is my mum so maybe accepting this has been easier for me.

DS is a wonderful sunny 11 year old. I don't think he's disadvantaged by being an only child- there are disadvantages, but there are advantages too....

OP- I'm not for a moment suggesting you too should stop at one child. I'm just wanted to share my experience. Do get a second opinion.

Good luck

A supervising midwife In sure is very knowledgeable about the risks of birth for different women (not way outside her experience as other posters have said) but I do agree that seeing a consultant is the way forward.

If he/she does confirm the same advise, then you would be expected by social workers to take some time to grieve the situation before deciding to adopt. So I would put that thought to the back of your mind right now and focus on getting the most thorough advise about having a second child.

I haemorrhaged very badly with my first; the placenta had to be removed manually but I didn't have retained products.

With my second pregnancy I was classed as being at very high risk of haemorrhage and told that I would need to deliver in hospital (not a MW unit or at home), with cannula in etc. As it turned out my second labour was so fast that they didn't have time to do any of the prep, but getting the cannula sorted was the first thing they did after DS2 arrived. I did haemorrhage again but we all knew it was coming so it was well-managed.

I'd definitely ask for a second opinion, ideally from a consultant.

My sister in law had a hemhorage with her first baby and none with her second baby.

Get a consultants opinion for definite. Good luck.

As others have said - you should book in to see a gynaecologist and/or fertility clinic who can run any relevant tests to help you with the decision as to whether it is indeed too dangerous to try for another baby. Midwives are wonderful, but I just don't think she can be an expert on this. I would suggest going private if you can afford it, as you will probably be able to get an appointment sooner.

I don’t want to derail the thread, but I’m just wondering why a midwife is not qualified to give advice ( generally ) on all things pregnancy/ childbirth. I know they’re not consultants but surely they have plenty of experience and have seen a lot?

I haemorrhaged so badly during my son’s birth I had to be pumped up with 11 litres or blood, and 8 litres of plasma! I officially died (my heart stopped) and they were able to restart it. I lost very nearly 8 litres in total. This was nearly 16 years ago. I had tests after and it was discovered I had an underlining condition which wasn’t the cause but it made things worse.

When I spoke to the consultant 6 months after he told me they would be watching me closely when I got pregnant again. I was adamant I wasn’t ever having anymore and the thought of it happening again were too high. He then explained that yes there was a higher chance of it happening again but it wasn’t high! It was a slight increase on the possibility. The way he explained it was the risk of haemorrhage during birth is something like .01%. the increased risk of it happening again was something like .019%.

That helped with the perspective of the situation. 3 years later and DH and I wanted a sibling for our son and went back to the consultant who again talked to us about the risk and gave us a game plan on how the risk would be mitigated.

My daughter was born a year later healthy and I had no bleeding issues! The care I received was excellent, as soon as I went into labour blood was ordered and an operating theatre was put on stand by. A gynaecologist and a haematologist was in the room along with a paediatrician and several others I can’t remember now. It was a major audience but I was ok with it as I wanted myself and my baby to be ok!

Please speak with a consultant before deciding! The midwife perhaps was trying to be helpful but she really isn’t the one to be giving out advice like that.

I had a very similar situation to you but had also had a very complicated pregnancy and had been in and out of hospital several times.
I had my debrief when DD was 6 weeks old with the consultant who’d done my emergency surgery and was told I was at high risk of it happening again.
She did say though that as long as I was monitored and booked in for a planned section there was nothing to stop me having another child.
We’ve actually just started ttc and I’ve been to see her in clinic this morning to discuss what will happen once I’m pregnant
Definitely ask to speak to a consultant, maybe even two before accepting what you’ve been told

I'm very surprised a midwife had this conversation with you and have you that advice. There was a reason for the haemorrhage - retained products and this could have been managed better by the sounds of it. Like others said, speak to a consultant. It's not uncommon to see women who have had massive pph's come back and have other children and although at increased risk of another haemorrhage with the right management are well looked after.

The reason why it's outside the midwifes remit is because our role is centred around normality and ww should be referring when things aren't normal.

Yes, we have experience and can cope with emergencies. I've debriefed women who have had 3rd degree tears and pphs. I've discussed risk of it happening again but this has been backed up by current stats.

I'd never give my opinion but suggest if they wanted to discuss it further I arrange a consultant appt.

Sometimes you can look at the notes and say well the bleed was from a bad tear so thats less likely to be an issue again compared to an atonic uterus for example.

I too immediately thought “second opinion”. Not because the advice came from a midwife, but because it was so definite and because of the way it was phrased.

Very irresponsible of the midwife to act like this. I imagine she sees births and worse every day of her life, she’s probably hardened to just how big a deal this sort of thing is to each individual concerned. But still. Not on.

The more I think about this the angrier I get with the MW. PLEASE make a formal complaint. Who knows what other dodgy advice she is dishing out.

Yes am a doctor, no not very good at spelling, typing on phone so often use txt slang.
Being medically qualified does not equal perfect spelling.
Gosh some of you are quite judgemental and rude.
I wasn't offering medical advice, merely adding my experience to thread where many others have done the same to offer support to a fellow munsetter

It may be true that she’d urge her daughter not to have a baby in same circs but thank heavens our mothers don’t make all our decisions for us! I’d go back to gp and ask for consultant referral.

gobbin Wed 15-Aug-18 14:47:23

theredjellybean You are a doctor? Really

...was my first thought too. Can’t spell haemhorrage

Neither can you (it's haemorrhage).

My cousin is a senior very qualified scientist, and shit at spelling. He also uses text speak a lot. Doesn't take anything away from his skills or knowledge, however.

I wouldn’t take one individuals word on it , I’m on my forth baby and very high risk , not great but hey ho , I’m getting a c section at 37 weeks very controlled and although there’s risks they are greatly minimised and controlled , id want to speak to a gynecologist or obstetrician .

And as a healthy care professional what I would advise my daughter or self isn’t the same as what someone ultimately decides to do .

Echo2 the reason is simply that midwives are experts in all the variations of “normal” pregnancy and childbirth. Consultant Obstetricians are experts in complicated and “abnormal”. While midwives will become more and more expert over time in things that don’t go to plan, they will always involve Obstetricians as the experts in these cases. Therefore the midwife is simply not the right person to comment on whether this was just one of those things, something that will happen again, or something that is likely to happen again but could be managed differently e.g. regular scans etc.

Yeah I'd get a second opinion too

thredjellybean, ignore the idiots. Most of the doctors that I know aren’t great at spelling! I’d rather have a doctor that is a great doctor but bad with spelling than a bad doctor who is great at spelling!

Op, sorry you’ve had this news. When you are feeling strong enough do ask to see the consultant. For me it was a no and it took a long time to accept it but we are happy and healthy. My situation was slightly different to yours.

I honestly wouldn't trust one midwives opinion, I would look into the research done on the likelihood of your hemmohage reccuring. I'm not sure whether age is a big factor. I had a big hemorrhage after my son's birth, then went on to have 2 girls. They were babies 5,6 and 7 so the risk was big with the girls but I was never advised not to try again. I was also overweight which is a contributing factor but my last 2 births were perfect, sometimes it's just luck of the draw. A cannula was put in my hand in case I needed immediate drugs or a transfusion, they are very good at managing the risk. At 41 I wouldn't wait long to ttc.

Heaven forbid you have a doctor who is dyslexic . Or for whom English is not their first language and they have trouble with English spellings.

FFS.

See a consultant and two if possible. This type of advice is like all those people who said, 'I was told I could never have children' and get pregnant. Seriously, unless you are missing vital reproductive organs, are known to have completely blocked tubes (and even then, you can still become pregnant, but run a high risk of ectopic pregnancy), have undergone certain forms of cancer treatment, have experienced premature ovarian failure or menopause, it is possible that you can become pregnant.

As per everyone else I'd go back to talk to your GP/explore seeing a consultant obstetrician. Your risk of bleeding again in a future pregnancy will depend to some extent on what caused the bleeding last time. The midwife should not be giving 'if you were my daughter....' advice and I'd take this as a sign that she's giving advice outside her level of competence - doctors are certainly warned away from this paternalistic sort of medicine! Any HCP's job is to present the pros & cons (which in your case will involve the risk of bleeding in a further pregnancy) so you can make an informed decision based on what degree of risk is acceptable to you.