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Original poster

He's leaving me

99 replies

BigGrannyPants · 13/05/2018 21:52

My husband of 4 years (together for 16 years) dropped a bombshell at the beginning of the week. He says his feelings have changed and he thinks he should leave. He can't tell me what's wrong, he says he doesn't know. Both families are in shock and devastated. We have 3 young kids together and I don't know what's happened. Things have been stressful this past year, money, kids, his job, my health has taken a rapid decline. I never saw this coming. I love him, and I don't want him to leave. We have agreed to a break, he will be away during the week and be home at weekends until he can sort his head out. I'm truly heartbroken and totally lost. He has been my best friend and love of my life for 16 years, he is an amazing dad and I just can't imagine being without him. He assured me there is no one else, for what it's worth I believe him. I'm lost. Am I kidding myself that this break will make any difference, he he already decided, has he left in his head already? If we have to split, it will be amicable, no one will be screwed over and the kids will not be used as weapons. Of that I am 100% sure. Since the initial upset, we have talked more than we have talked in years, laughed more, but there is of course this underlying 'thing'.... we've had the best sex we've had in years, I am not reading in to that, as far as I'm concerned it's just sex, and he is not taking advantage of me. I don't really know what I'm asking. Has anyone come through the other side of this? I'm so sad, my heart physically hurts. What would you do?

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 13/05/2018 21:55

What a horrible situation, OP.

Having a lot of sex immediately afterwards is very common. It's called hysterical bonding. Have a look at this old MN thread.

I would be amazed if he wasn't seeing someone else, I'm afraid. It's the most obvious answer.

Japanesejazz · 13/05/2018 22:00

I would ask him to leave. Now, and to have no contact with you except regarding the children. And I would expect another woman to emerge anytime. Sorry but you must not allow him to be in a position where he gets to have his cake and eat it.

Original poster
BigGrannyPants · 13/05/2018 22:43

I'm not prepared to ask him to leave, I want to explore every option. I'm having my cake too

OP posts:

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Relationship problems
Japanesejazz · 13/05/2018 23:53

Whilst your heart physically hurts?

daisi · 13/05/2018 23:56

If you read the threads on here you will see that what he has said is usual for "having an affair or head turned". Sorry but men rarely want to leave unless there is another woman. He hasn't been able to tell you the truth yet but it will come out soon.

AnyFucker · 13/05/2018 23:58

That's not cake you are having, it's stale crumbs from his table

He has you doing the Pick Me Dance while he decides if the grass is greener.

You will hate yourself for letting him diminish you like this

notangelinajolie · 13/05/2018 23:58

Sorry but there is an OW. Expect her to appear in the next few months or even weeks. He is lying to you.

Japanesejazz · 14/05/2018 00:05

NO man walks away unless something has turned his head. Even if he hasn’t been in love with you for a long time he wouldn’t leave his children for nothing. You are letting him him walk all over you because you love him. You need to let him see what life outside is really like

Costacoffeeplease · 14/05/2018 00:43

Take back the control here, his feelings have changed? So he doesn’t get to have normal family life, send him off to see what the world is like on his own. Maybe he’ll. come back, maybe he won’t, but you’ll have your dignity and self respect

cafetea · 14/05/2018 00:51

How can he not know why he's walking away from his family - his relationship - that he is prepared to cause huge upset? I don't believe him at all. He knows full well but he can't bring himself to say what is happening. Treat him with distrust. Make your distance now. No one has the right to treat you like this. Unitil he can work out how he's going to tell you the truth he needs to live elsewhere as his choice to leave not you making him. Find out about your rights and protect them. Be sure that you will be ok and the kids as well. Has he ever violent? Contact the local police if he is a risk in this way. Stay safe and take good care of yourself.

VimFuego101 · 14/05/2018 01:14

Sorry, but I echo what others have said, another woman will emerge shortly.

franktheskank · 14/05/2018 02:14

I think another woman is involved too, maybe physically maybe not, but I'd put money on it. I've been there.

He's not going to admit to it, would you?

It will all work out the way it's supposed to.Thanks

FeckinCrunchiesInTheCar · 14/05/2018 02:33

Yep - another woman.
Do some digging - she's there.

YummySushi · 14/05/2018 02:35

I’m a weak woman but I would say ,

Give him as much love as possible ... he Still loves u...no matter what’s going on.

Even if there is another woman... just stick there...

Tell him to give u a Month and in that month just be super woman and love him with all ur capacity ..

Tell him to give u 3 months actually... and then decide after that and u will be grateful..

If there reallt is another woman.. u can still work it out if ur love is genuine , he will choose you because your the genuine sincere love ....

Unless this is a decision that u agree with... keep trying because sometimes men don’t really know what they want but they will come round .

Give him the best ending memory and he will come round ....

ThisIsTheFirstStep · 14/05/2018 02:44

YummySushi

That is really bad advice. Basically, beg him to stay?

Even if he stays this time, it will just happen again.

This kind of man never changes.

AnyFucker · 14/05/2018 06:40

Yummy that is the worst "advice" I have ever seen

You are on a wind up

Grandadwasthatyou · 14/05/2018 06:44

Yummy...really?

higherupper · 14/05/2018 06:49

Yummy that's rubbish advice!
Op I'm very sorry you and your dc are going through this. I hope toy have lots of support from family and friends Thanks

Mytwistedimagination · 14/05/2018 06:53

Another one speaking from experience that there's an ow somewhere behind the scenes. My dh also lived away through the week and was back at weekends for sex and our relationship, though this was due to work rather than taking a break.
He also swore on his DC lives that there was noone else. Guess what? He was shagging her for a month and a half. They rarely leave one long term relationship before being established in another, from my/friends experience. You need to get the truth, sorry but he's taking you for a fool.
Living away through the week and back at weekends for sex isn't a break, is it? Wake up op. Flowers

fontofnoknowledge · 14/05/2018 07:02

I completely understand why you do t want him to leave OP.
IF there is another woman it just pushes him towards her.
If there isn't (and from what you've said I don't think there is either) then not living together will not help repair your relationship.

Sounds to me like mental health problems. Is he depressed or anxious ? Sometimes those feelings are so overwhelming they just decide to do extreme things like walking away in order to deal with the stress.
Has he seen a GP ? How old is he ? Do you have dcs?

Mossend · 14/05/2018 08:12

You aren't having your cake too. You've said you are heartbroken.
I'm really sorry but I do agree with pp's it seems to me like there is an OW or his head has been turned, by telling you his feelings have changed he's now put this on you.
I would imagine that he will leave and if he doesn't it won't be because he doesn't want to it will be due to the OW not wanting him, hence the reason he hasn't left already, he's hedging his bets with you because he doesn't know what she's going to do.
I really hope this works out for you, it's a horrible situation he's put you in

Vangoghsear · 14/05/2018 08:17

Best advice is to get yourself a SHL in case it does end in divorce. If your health has declined you need to ensure financial security for you and the DCs. Do not agree 'amicably' to a 50:50 split of assets - you need more. In circumstances like this there is almost always an OW but it may take a while for her to appear.

greendale17 · 14/05/2018 08:18

NO man walks away unless something has turned his head.

^That is simply not true. I know 2 men who left relationships without there being another woman involved.

ZaZathecat · 14/05/2018 08:24

Hopefully you will go to couples counselling and the real reasons will emerge, for better or worse.

Singlenotsingle · 14/05/2018 08:25

Vangoghsear is so right! You've got children to look after. Don't make it easy for DH.

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