He's leaving me

[BigGrannyPants]

My husband of 4 years (together for 16 years) dropped a bombshell at the beginning of the week. He says his feelings have changed and he thinks he should leave. He can't tell me what's wrong, he says he doesn't know. Both families are in shock and devastated. We have 3 young kids together and I don't know what's happened. Things have been stressful this past year, money, kids, his job, my health has taken a rapid decline. I never saw this coming. I love him, and I don't want him to leave. We have agreed to a break, he will be away during the week and be home at weekends until he can sort his head out. I'm truly heartbroken and totally lost. He has been my best friend and love of my life for 16 years, he is an amazing dad and I just can't imagine being without him. He assured me there is no one else, for what it's worth I believe him. I'm lost. Am I kidding myself that this break will make any difference, he he already decided, has he left in his head already? If we have to split, it will be amicable, no one will be screwed over and the kids will not be used as weapons. Of that I am 100% sure. Since the initial upset, we have talked more than we have talked in years, laughed more, but there is of course this underlying 'thing'.... we've had the best sex we've had in years, I am not reading in to that, as far as I'm concerned it's just sex, and he is not taking advantage of me. I don't really know what I'm asking. Has anyone come through the other side of this? I'm so sad, my heart physically hurts. What would you do?

Take control of your own life. If he wants to leave, say ok and see ya later. Plan ahead for how you will live. Just carry on. You don’t need people like that in your life, giving you unnecessary stress and upset. You are better off single. Xx

Really seems like their is another woman :( where is he staying whilst not in your home?

As sad as it is, whether or not there is another woman and I'd bet my life that there is your best chance of keeping him is to set him free. It seems counterintuitive, but its the laws of supply and demand - men want someone 'high value' as it feeds their ego. When you make yourself available to them, your value to them decreases.

By taking back the control and taking yourself off the table you show him that you value yourself too highly to be sat around waiting for him to decide.

By continuing to have amazing sex with him you show him that he can tell you something so devastating and life changing and he will still get the good stuff from you. That devalues you.

I can almost guarantee you that if you asked him to leave, told him you won't be second best for anyone and that you deserve to be loved wholeheartedly by someone - and that you will find that someone because apparently he doesn't think its him - that his whole attitude would change and suddenly he's the one whose stocks are low, he's the one on the back foot having to prove himself.

If he does have another woman, she's now the easy one and you're the one he has to make the effort for. Its awful but it is sadly how these things seem to work time and time again. I've seen it.

Now if it were me I would not want to stay with a cheater - and lets be honest its 95% certain this guy is like every other one who has been in the situation and is cheating but not admitting to it until you find proof - but if you really want to keep him, OW or not, then your best chance is to let him go. It's true what they say.

No 'amazing' dad decides to leave his DW and DCs for no apparent reason. He is certainly not making the DCs a priority now. I just don't believe a responsible parent who really cares about his DCs would decide to leave, potentially subjecting them to years or to-ing and fro-ing, and all the expense of an extra household, when it seems the marriage was apparently OK - maybe ordinary and mundane and not exciting but that's life. Even if hoping for a reconciliation get advice on finances because if/when an OW materialises DH will probably not be generous to you and DCs.

Just to confirm, he is not violent or abusive. We have had a great relationship and marriage. This past year has been particularly challenging for many reasons. I am absolutely certain there is not another person involved. I do actually think his mental heath is a factor. I have suggested counselling but he isn't open to that, at the moment. He is staying at a family members second home, he doesn't know anyone there aside from his family. We are both contributors to this situation, the difference being, I am more open when it comes to talking about this stuff. There is no doubt about it that I have been very hard to live with for quite some time. I have seen my GP about my own mental health and start CBT this week. He has been under an incredible amount of pressure for a long time now. I am not an idiot, I realise the probable outcome of this will be that he leaves. I don't agree re the sex, I do not feel diminished, I feel empowered. I don't see this as a battle of wills, and I'm not treating this like war, it isn't and it doesn't have to be.

@Vangoghsear DH has already agreed to assume full responsibility of our debts in the eventuality of a permanent split. I have no reason to believe he will not take care of his children.

I really hope for your sake you are right but please don't believe all his promises at this moment.
He is not amazing, he had told you his feelings about you have changed but is still having sex with you. There is nothing amazing about that

My advice is to not take advice from mumsnet ... as they tend to b extremely prejudiced.

Ur husband sounds like a good man and u sound like a good woman.

Please take advice from a wise person from his family or friends and ur family or friends... let them know u want to make ur marriage work and see where positive intervention might b possible.

Don’t let ppl online make u lose trust in ur husband unless he himself lost ur trust.

Keeping a marriage nowadays is hard, and rare.. so choose where to get ur advice from.

This is ur husband, of 16 years. Don’t let people judge him from a 16 min conversation.

Relationships are hard maintenance... but seeing how he was a good husband for 16 years, I would say he is worth every shot u got

His feelings for you have changed means he is not IN love with you. Something is going on and it's not in your best interest at this time to be hysterically bonding but it happens. Yes you are getting on well now that his burden is lightened and talking more than ever is a natural part of hysterical bonding too. For him to really sort out his feelings you need to go no contact relationship wise. See if he misses you and what you had. Most people believe their other half to be having mental problems when this type of thing happens. I'm sorry but everything he is saying and doing is fitting a script. This will unfold in the next few weeks so keep posting.

Although yummy has come across as a 1950s submissive, there is something in what she says. You say he has been a good and supportive husband for 16 yrs - then I also agree don't go all "LTB ' because a few anonymous people on MN are utterly convinced he is having an affair.
Bear in mind that the vast majority of women on here (I mean the relationship/divorce/aibu/chat boards) have found their way here at a particular painful time in their lives - when their own relationships had broken down due to infidelity. Therefore there is an understandable amount of projection and distrust of men in a relationship.
Do not underestimate the effect mental health can have. Women are a lot easier to treat for MH issues because we tend to be 'talkers' as well as more open to seeking help from health care professionals. Men - especially with MH issues tend to internalise. Conditioning from childhood that they must be 'strong' both physically and mentally often prevents them from getting the help they need until they literally can't take the pressure anymore and behave in an extreme way . (Like leaving the marital home).
I too know 2 men who left marriages with no OW involved. One sought help and repaired the relationship. The other still lives alone but in a very close relationship with wife.

If as you say there are MH issues, be sympathetic but don't be a mug. He still has a responsibility to deal with it. Not dealing with it is disrespectful to you and your marriage and not something you should put up with.
Keep your eye on the ball. There is nothing that prevents someone with MH issues ALSO having an affair.!

Thanks @fontofnoknowledge I know I am still really in shock and no doubt in a bit of denial. I'm not daft, I just feel so helpless, it's been taken out of my hands and I've no idea what to do, how to feel and I'm just so lost. I'm not completely dismissing an OW but it would be so out of character, he has past experience of this with a previous partner where there was an OM and he struggled to trust again after her. But in saying that, his behaviour has been so out of character lately . I am taking the kids to see MIL tomorrow and he is coming with me. The kids don't know anything. MIL is devastated too, she has been texting me as have other members of his family, even his friends have messaged me to say they don't understand. I am very cautious about pushing him to make any decisions. I feel like he has to deal with his own head before he can start to think about our relationship. I have written him a letter, but haven't given it to him yet. I thought that would be the best way to articulate how I feel and what I think... but I have shat out of giving him it twice already. This is a total unknown for me because he is the love of my life and I can't bare the thought of losing him. He and the kids are my whole world. I'm a strong woman and I won't allow him to mess me around, I know from some of the comments here that people already think that's happening but I am also not willing to throw away 16 years of happiness without a fight

BigGrannyPants . In your shoes I would be doing exactly the same. I think a letter is a great way to articulate your feelings without it becoming a row, getting talked over , or your thoughts/words in a muddle.
I do this a lot when I feel I am not being listened to.. (my DH has bi-polar so often his thoughts run away with him so he talks but doesn't always listen) I have found writing things down gives me the chance to have my 'ordered , uninterrupted say' whilst it allows him time to process and re-read to really understand what you are saying.

I like you, am not in the instant LTB club. Neither am I a pushover. I am married to the love of my life but was previously married to someone I thought was the love of my life ! . I did in fact LTB (actually it's very amicable and he is far from a bastard) so I know how to leave a relationship when it's needed. However like you, I made marriage vows, that I believe we both take seriously and would not cop out with a fight.
If there was another woman , I am not sure even then I would make a knee jerk decision. I would probably leave him but again, it would be a considered response and staying and rebuilding would be an equally valid option.

Hope all goes well this weekend OP. I would do family stuff. With him. But give him that letter first !!

Op, my ex requested this exact situation almost two years ago.
People said I was mad letting him live at home part time while he found himself.
I stuck it for a year and hid it from out 4 dc. I gave him ultimatums and backed down.
Last July when we came back from a family holiday, his 'girlfriend' exposed a year long affair.
I'm so sorry x

Hi, so sorry to hear this, must be dreadful for you, and for him to!
Could this be that he may be suffering depression? I have suffered in the past and completely as a result not been IN love with my partner. For seemingly no reason, and the hardest part was not being able to explain it to myself.
Good for you being so supportive x

I'm really struggling, with everything

I can't imagine the purgatory you must be in op - I don't have any
advice but didn't want to read and run.

What is he saying now op?
Please take care of yourself

I went to a friends for a couple of drinks last night, he dropped me off. He came and walked me home but may as well have not been there, walked ahead not speaking. So I went a walk on my own, just ended up even more upset and doubting myself. I'll start again today, maybe it will be better than yesterday, what else can I do...

Sorry OP, I've also found that in this situation there is someone else in the background. I am also not a poster who declares it all over in that scenario. But I do think you need to back right away and give him tons of space. If he says he wants out, let him see what being without you around actually feels like.

BGP I'm afraid I have to go along with the majority here. It sounds like there is someone else in the picture and you sound defensive of giving that any credit.
What makes you think he's not going through a mental crisis due to what he may be up to?
Have you taken a good look at things, is he grooming, exercising, more hygienic, protective of his phone/iPad, taking walks, drives etc?
Having an affair heightens sexuality and he may be getting turned on with you by the fact that he's doing the same with someone else.
That aside, even if he's not having an affair, he can't go waltzing off and coming back when it suits, sounds like he's keeping control and you sound like you are finding every reason in the book to justify his behaviour.
I'm so sorry that you won't like reading my opinion, you seem to be latching on to the couple of posts that suit what you want to hear. Good luck my love, be strong, be sensible, keep your pride and dignity. If this relationship is broken, there will be something different for you down the line.

@erniepigy I am still coming to terms with it I think. It's hard for me to see him in that light because we have always had a good relationship, completely honest even with things that are hard to hear on both sides. You're right, I am defensive. I'm really struggling. I haven't discounted an OW completely but why wouldn't he just finish it and tell me there was someone else, that would kill it dead, I would know then that I had lost him and battling to save us would be pointless. I do feel that he has agreed to this break to somehow appease me that we had tried. I feel so low and helpless and I know it's not fair that I am still dealing with the daily drudgery, keeping status quo for the kids while he flits off to 'sort his head'. I feel weak for letting this carry on but I desperately don't want to lose him, I am starting to feel like I already have. The past year has been particularly challenging for us both, and I have seemed better equipped to get on with it and try to make things better. He has started taking more care of his appearance, lost weight, better groomed, better dressed. I just need him to be straight with me so that I'm not trapped in this limbo any more. He is meant to be taking some time off work, but I have discovered he will still be working this week. I have questioned how he thinks he can work and sort through this at the same time. He says he some commitments to work he can't get out of this week, I'm sure that's true to an extent however I have told him that he needs to make this a priority because I can't move forward until he tells me his plans/decisions. My friends and parents have said that he just needs to leave, because while there is still an element of normality he is not pushing to decide if he can really walk away from me and the kids. I know that's right, but I am not coping at all with the thought of him going. It's particularly upsetting that he has had a good couple of drinking sessions, days out with his friends, so it seems he is prioritising work and social life over me and the kids. The worst bit is, I don't think he thinks he is doing any wrong. He can't have really thought about the nightmare he is putting me through because if he had, he wouldn't do it. Or maybe he just does t care. I feel sick constantly and my heart aches. I need answers and he acts like I am pressuring him when I ask him. I am hoping for the best but preparing for the worst

I do feel for you. What a horrible position to be in. I felt there was hope for your relationship until I read your latest post, but it really sounds like he's starting a new, single life for himself (assuming no ow), but not man enough to spell it out, so you get left in limbo. You have all my sympathy - it must be so hard.

why wouldn't he just finish it and tell me there was someone else

It's important to him not to be the bad guy. That's also why he's made this all about your inability to get on with potholing. He knows he's behaving badly so has to reframe it as stemming from you. Again, I've seen it go this way, and only later does it emerge there was an OW he was messaging, at the very least. Sorry again - but there is something positive to be taken (I think) from it not actually being all about your faults, no matter what he says.

Sorry, realised I've made a confusing reference there to potholing which relates to another thread I've been reading (the underlying scenarios are actually pretty similar) but what I meant was: that's why he's made it all about being unhappy with you and in your relationship. Doesn't want to admit it's something he's engaged in (whatever form that has actually taken) outside the marriage which has been entirely his doing.

Just to echo what others have said...my ex husband left me 5 years ago and the daughter he adored...there was no other woman he just did not love me anymore...he is still a very hands on dad but ive been left alone and without a family....