Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

He's leaving me

99 replies

BigGrannyPants · 13/05/2018 21:52

My husband of 4 years (together for 16 years) dropped a bombshell at the beginning of the week. He says his feelings have changed and he thinks he should leave. He can't tell me what's wrong, he says he doesn't know. Both families are in shock and devastated. We have 3 young kids together and I don't know what's happened. Things have been stressful this past year, money, kids, his job, my health has taken a rapid decline. I never saw this coming. I love him, and I don't want him to leave. We have agreed to a break, he will be away during the week and be home at weekends until he can sort his head out. I'm truly heartbroken and totally lost. He has been my best friend and love of my life for 16 years, he is an amazing dad and I just can't imagine being without him. He assured me there is no one else, for what it's worth I believe him. I'm lost. Am I kidding myself that this break will make any difference, he he already decided, has he left in his head already? If we have to split, it will be amicable, no one will be screwed over and the kids will not be used as weapons. Of that I am 100% sure. Since the initial upset, we have talked more than we have talked in years, laughed more, but there is of course this underlying 'thing'.... we've had the best sex we've had in years, I am not reading in to that, as far as I'm concerned it's just sex, and he is not taking advantage of me. I don't really know what I'm asking. Has anyone come through the other side of this? I'm so sad, my heart physically hurts. What would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
BigGrannyPants · 20/05/2018 16:34

I don't think I have it in me to tell him to go permanently. I don't want that, so I don't know how to handle this at all. 16 years... our lives are so entwined, I don't know how it it could ever be untangled. I don't want to be untangled  I feel like I'm in a nightmare and I just want someone to wake me up from it so I can go back to my life. Our squabbles seem so insignificant. We have let life get on top of us and we have taken each other for granted. I never thought this would happen to us, it feels unreal. @myusernamewastakenbyme in so sorry to hear what's happened to you, did he every explain to you how he came to that decision? My DH has been unable to give me any reasons. My MIL was unsuccessful in getting anything out of him either. My parents are too pissed off to have any sort of meaningful conversation with him

OP posts:
MothershipG · 20/05/2018 17:09

He has put you in this hideous state of limbo. He needs to clear his head and you want to give him the space to do that. So he had to go properly, you have to act like it's over even if you hope it isn't.

Get him to stay away for a month including having the DC eow and one evening a week. He'll get all the time he needs, you can hope for the best while planning for the worst.

I really hope you get the reconciliation you want but you need to start accepting this seems unlikely, for whatever reason, OW or not, he has checked out of your relationship.

Costacoffeeplease · 20/05/2018 19:11

I agree with MothershipG you have to assume you’ve split, and should be behaving accordingly. He wants space, give him plenty of it, moving out and having contact with the children, but not with you. No family days or meals out together, he picks the children up from the doorstep, or preferably a family member arranges handovers, and you text or email Re the children and nothing else

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Relationship problems
erniepigy · 20/05/2018 19:49

Babe I'm afraid you have already lost him. Many reasons for him to be giving you bullshit about not knowing what he wants in life and where he's going.
He will be feeling guilty, doubting if he's making a mistake, wanting to look like the good guy to everyone, worried about repercussions, loads of things.
As you've noticed the physical changes, that would confirm his interest is being peaked elsewhere.
Nothing will stop the pain you are feeling now and what is still to come. Wishing and hoping will not change anything, just delay you're dealing with a truly awful situation.
I was with someone 37 years and I can tell you the pain will pass, you will have many stages of feelings, anger, sadness, apathy, depression. Every feeling is valid, give it time and you will come through it all.
There's no right or wrong way for you to deal with this but try to keep your dignity and pride intact. Don't attempt to use family members as weapons or sounding boards, you'll end up hurting everyone.
Keep reminding yourself how strong you can be, how nice a person you are and don't let a failed relationship define the rest of your future. You do have a future, albeit a different one to what you expected. Moping around with too much time to think will leave you demoralised so stay focused, stay busy and start doing something new, right now.
Keep in touch, as you can see, you have many strangers who are concerned about you and I'm sure you'll have pals that are too. Good luck honey xx

overduemamma · 20/05/2018 20:04

I'm so sorry OP, hope you find the answers you need x

Original poster
BigGrannyPants · 20/05/2018 21:17

Thank you all, you are lovely. I will keep you posted... no doubt I will still have some ranting to do over the coming days, weeks Thanks

OP posts:
MyRelationshipIsWeird · 20/05/2018 21:28

He has started taking more care of his appearance, lost weight, better groomed, better dressed. Uh oh. That does sound suspect. FWIW the two guys I know who left their wives confused and frustrated without any clear reason for ending things had both 'met' the love of their life within a couple of months of the marriage ending. In both cases this perfect woman was someone the husband already knew before the marriage ended, but of course nothing had happened until after the split Hmm Confused

I don't want to be the voice of doom here, but do be prepared for someone to come crawling out of the woodwork and for him to insist that this is totally new and nothing to do with your split Sad

Original poster
BigGrannyPants · 21/05/2018 08:15

So this morning I asked him straight out if there was someone else, either physically or emotionally. I told him that if he said there wasn't and I found out later that he had lied or if he miraculously starts seeing someone a couple of months after we split, he would irreparably damage the amicability of any break up. He seemed insulted, I told him he hasn't given me any reasons so I can't be criticised for having thoughts like that. He assured me no one else was involved. But still no answers as to how this happened. What else can I do HmmI was dropping him off at the airport so we didn't have a long time to talk. I'm no further forward and I still don't know what to think.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 21/05/2018 09:56

He’s insulted? Jeez, what a tool

Original poster
BigGrannyPants · 21/05/2018 10:02

@Costacoffeeplease he is being a tool. He is selfishly thinking about himself and not about how this is affecting me.

OP posts:
ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 21/05/2018 10:43

He's disassociated himself completely already, that's why he doesn't give a shit about how this is affecting you.

Honestly I think the only option is to show him what a separation with you actually entails - no sex, no household stuff, divide time with the dc. He has no impetus to change the situation at the moment and the way you're behaving will fool him into thinking you'll always be there, no matter what.

I know you want your marriage to work, very much, but I don't think you can do that when your spouse has already checked out. So now he needs to know what life without you is actually like. And if that leads to a permanent separation, that was honestly always going to happen anyway.

Thanks for you.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 21/05/2018 11:53

Honestly I think the only option is to show him what a separation with you actually entails - no sex, no household stuff, divide time with the dc. And no lifts to and from the airport - he can get a cab home!

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 21/05/2018 11:55

...and be out when he gets home! Coming home to an empty house is his future now - let him feel it. Nobody gives a shit how his trip was, nobody is going to put the kettle on when he’s had a long day travelling. Give him the single experience he’s looking for and let him see if he really wants that instead of a wife who loves him.

NB apologies to all the single folk - I’m not saying it’s all shit - there are lots of positives about being single, but this guy needs to lose the positives of being married first.

timeisnotaline · 21/05/2018 12:10

Maybe you can take your space for a few days to work through things in your head. When he gets back go away and he can look after the kids.
Personally anyone who won’t do counselling isn’t trying and should be cut loose. He is dicking with you which is horrible after such a long time

eggncress · 21/05/2018 12:18

It’s a horrible situation for you OP. You’re trying your best to deal with the situation as best you can. It’s difficult when it feels like you’re the only one really trying. It could be mental health issues with him, it could be OW ( time will tell) or he could have other problems he feels he can’t burden you with. You mention debts ... is this anything to do with it? Could there be issues with loan sharks ? Could he be feeling suicidal ?

Original poster
BigGrannyPants · 21/05/2018 13:36

@eggncress we have both always worked but we have always had a huge amount of debt, our own fault, irresponsible spending when we were younger on both sides. Then we were trying for a second baby, and I miscarried, 3 months later I fell pregnant again and it was twins. So when it came to the end of my mat leave, I couldn't go back to work because the cost of childcare for two plus after school care for our oldest was just too much. So we have been a one income household for over 2 years. The financial pressure has been massive on us both, and I understand the pressure it put on him to bring home the bacon so to speak. I keep tight financial control and sometimes that has meant me quizzing him about money - more pressure. However I'm under pressure to keep us a float and I don't think he appreciates what a burden that has been. The twins are hard work, as you'd expect 2 babies/Toddlers at the same time and our oldest is undergoing assessment for ASD. I suffer from several chronic illnesses which cause daily injuries, fatigue, depression, anxiety and spells of collapsing. My symptoms have really ramped up in the past 12 months, my mobility is severely reduced and I have several hospital appointments every week. I am very pragmatic and practical and DH finds this difficult, he worries about my health, which has put more pressure on him. Every time I get up or walk anywhere or try and do something he tells me he'll do it and I should sit down. I have told him that I am not prepared to vegetate and I will continue to be as active as I can, if that means I need a days rest of extra pain killers then that's what I'll do

OP posts:
eggncress · 21/05/2018 19:02

So sorry re the miscarriages OP FlowersObviously a lot going on in your lives at the moment possibly leading to dh feeling this way. It’s no ones fault but I wouldn’t be making things easy for him by allowing him back for sex at the weekends. You should tell him you are the whole package and he can’t take some bits and leave the rest iyswim. That way he will be more likely to miss you and will help him make his decision to leave,for whatever reason , or stay ( and you keep your self respect) Coming back at weekends keeps the whole thing in limbo really.

Original poster
BigGrannyPants · 22/05/2018 10:52

I have decided he can have 2 weeks to 'sort his head out' by the end of that he has to have made a decision as to whether or not he wants to fix things. If not then he has to leave permanently. If he does then he will have to agree to a trip to the doctors and marriage counselling and be prepared to make changes in our relationship and lives... fair?

OP posts:
ZaZathecat · 22/05/2018 14:16

I think so. More than fair really, but I totally understand you wanting to save your marriage.

fontofnoknowledge · 22/05/2018 14:29

Yes OP, more than fair.
You have to get in the driving seat. Mental health difficulties make people selfish and paralysed by inertia.
Set a date. Tell him it's immovable. Fully committed to working things out on the terms you stated or go. He can go to his parents if he doesn't have money for a place of his own.. hopefully his parents will shake him up !

Thewhale2903 · 22/05/2018 14:35

YummySushi
Get a grip of yourself!!!
Who actually let's a man treat them like that and then be overly nice and give him everything he wants.
You would really let someone control your life like this?
I wonder if you are secretlybtaking the piss here

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 22/05/2018 14:58

What a thoughtful, kind post thewhale. You've clearly really thought about how to best make someone feel even shitter than they already do.

Thewhale2903 · 22/05/2018 15:19

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual
That was not for the OP that was for the shitty advice that Yummyshusi gave to the OP so not sure what you are talking about.

Thewhale2903 · 22/05/2018 15:21

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual
Why don't youbjave a look and then tell me if there is any other way to react to that shit advice.
Yes tell a woman to let a man walk all over her and do whatever the fuck he feels like regardless of her feeling as long as she is pleasing him and he is happy

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 22/05/2018 16:04

Sorry thewhale I totally missed the first bit where you addressed a different poster - big apologies.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.