He's leaving me

[BigGrannyPants]

My husband of 4 years (together for 16 years) dropped a bombshell at the beginning of the week. He says his feelings have changed and he thinks he should leave. He can't tell me what's wrong, he says he doesn't know. Both families are in shock and devastated. We have 3 young kids together and I don't know what's happened. Things have been stressful this past year, money, kids, his job, my health has taken a rapid decline. I never saw this coming. I love him, and I don't want him to leave. We have agreed to a break, he will be away during the week and be home at weekends until he can sort his head out. I'm truly heartbroken and totally lost. He has been my best friend and love of my life for 16 years, he is an amazing dad and I just can't imagine being without him. He assured me there is no one else, for what it's worth I believe him. I'm lost. Am I kidding myself that this break will make any difference, he he already decided, has he left in his head already? If we have to split, it will be amicable, no one will be screwed over and the kids will not be used as weapons. Of that I am 100% sure. Since the initial upset, we have talked more than we have talked in years, laughed more, but there is of course this underlying 'thing'.... we've had the best sex we've had in years, I am not reading in to that, as far as I'm concerned it's just sex, and he is not taking advantage of me. I don't really know what I'm asking. Has anyone come through the other side of this? I'm so sad, my heart physically hurts. What would you do?

Yeah...

My sil knew there wasn't anyone else too.

There was. Obv.

Her friend, actually.

I think the informing him of his 2 weeks Grace is a good idea. It draws a line at what you are prepared to except from him. In those 2 weeks I would be pleasant but a little distant. Show him you are planning to carry on and are making plans for your future. Could you go and meet a friend one evening for a catch up or go to the cinema. Ask him his plans on when he will have the children, that sort of thing that proves life can go on.

Op I think what u suggested about 2 weeks is a grand idea.

Thewhale.. I wasn’t actually taking the piss.. might have just been reacting to all the judgemental LTB post. I’m an advocate for innocent until proven guilty, and since a lot of people have moments where they act out of character (including myself) this was my genuine advice though I did say in the introduction that I’m just a softy. She did say her husband has been amazing with her for many years.... and to me if someone is acting out of character, I treat it as our of character, and give them compassion to get back into character. That’s just me.. difference of opinion is bliss, sorry that not the whole world agrees with ur approach.

To put it in more context, there was a time where my stress peaked and I told my husband I wanted to leave him and that I didn’t love him the same way... because I was very hurt about something he was doing, and he hugged me and told me he cared for me and doesn’t want to lose me and few days and I absolutely love him to bits.. he knows what I was going through and knew my intention wasn’t to shit all over him but was because I was struggling to deal with the marriage.. we agreed at that time to take a diffeeebr approach to sort out our marital issues and life has been amazing.. literally, that problem was solved. I really felt his compassion and love made me explore options besides leaving - because yes I was mentally not feeling ok from the pressure and anxiety of the situation we were in.

However given the updates and how he is keeping her totally in the dark, I think what OP suggested at the very end sounds extremely reasonable. Give him an ultimatum to shake things up but do let him know that I love him and don’t want to lose him... but that things can’t continue like this because it’s disrespectful to u... being emotional isn’t weak IMO. I just don’t like the attitudes of most posters on mumsnet as I feel they come here full of rage and they have been telling me to LTB about my husband for any minor thing.

Yes this is not a minor thing what ur facing. Please seek support from those that know ur husband from all angles .. and know what’s in his character what’s not ... and just use mumsnet as a venting space .. to bounce ideas.. but get a final consultation from someone that knows him and u, and wants the best for your marriage .

Make sure that he realises that if you split he will be co-parenting regularly and significantly so that you can build your own life.

So many men just waltz off leaving 97% of the childcare to their x.

Do not let him sit there visualising freedom as soon as he splits from you. He will be free from you and you only if you split. Make sure he understands that he will be co-parenting so that you can have a life outside of being a shafted xw

MyRelationshipIsWeird has the best advice on what to do.

You can FEEL like YummySushi (who I hope I have misunderstood). It is OK to want to save your marriage and it's ok to still love him. That's how you FEEL and I hope that what yummySushi means is that you can still love him and still want to save the marriage,

but what you muse DO is let him know that you value yourself, you won't sit around waiting to be chosen, you deserve more.
myrelationshipisweird is absolutely correct. He told you he's not sure about you and you slept with him. That was a big mistake. You don't value yourself, so the message he's receiving is that you're not valuable. Send a different message.

Yes that 2 week window you’re offering him means he can’t carry on making out he doesn’t understand his feelings ( while disregarding yours) It’s very fair I think.

Good plan op. Hope you're ok.

I have written him a letter, waited til he was gone then told him where to find it, I have also given him his deadline... 8th June seems like ages away

Good for you OP. At least now he’ll know not to take you for a fool. It’s likely the muddled feeling in his head will suddenly clear!

I hope you're right @eggncress this is torture!

Sorry you are going through this. It happened to me a few years ago - DH and I had a rough few years with debts, mental health issues etc - all the things you describe, and we just stopped communicating and having sex. Several times I told him to leave because I just wanted a reaction out of him and for him to say he loved me. One day he said he wasn't sure what he wanted - but crucially he said he did love and desire me but just wasn't sure if he wanted to stay married. I was devastated but told him to leave - he went to stay at his mum's and I told the (then younger) DCs he was on a business trip. He said whatever happened he would still love me and want me as a friend - I told him no chance, it was all or nothing and he needed to sort his head out, there would be none of this friends business. He said he may not communicate with me but not to worry he would text the DCs. The week before he left we had amazing sex and communicated so well I wondered why he was still going. I suspected someone else but he said no.

When he was away he would text me and send me funny videos (normally he wouldn't even communicate with me during the day) but I was very non committal and half the time didn't answer. I kept myself busy and acted as if I was a single mum because as far as I was concerned, I may well be so I needed to get used to it. After a week he texted saying he missed me and knew what he wanted - to come home. He realized what he had and didn't want to lose it. As a pp said, I became high value as I didn't beg or question, I just became grey rock. I gave him another week to be sure, tbh some of my feelings and trust had gone by that time and I wasn't even sure if he was what I wanted! But...he came home and seriously it was the best thing that could have happened. Our relationship is totally different now and we really talk about stuff before things become a problem.

I can never be sure if his head was turned...never found any proof but what I am saying is you need to act as if you are on your own and get used to it - he will either come back or he won't but you are a) moving on if you need to, b) working out what YOU want and c) showing him that you are not going to take his crap. I sincerely hope he comes back but in the meantime you must be strong.

I hope this helps.

Remember you need lots on for these two weeks! It’s a bank holiday weekend, you should go away for one night, it is looking to be lovely weather :)

How r u Op?

@YummySushi I'm ok, very fed up now.. I decided not to give it any more head space until the 8th (D Day) I refuse to torture myself with what ifs. I told him how I feel and what I want, I gave him the letter and the deadline, there is nothing more I can add until he makes his decision. I've been very busy with the kids this past week too. I am tired, and in a lot of pain, I think the stress of the situation is making my condition worse, so I am trying to just concentrate on the kids :) thank you for checking in on me

It's over, he's left me

I’m sorry OP.

It’ll feel shit for a long time but trust me, from one who has been in exactly your position, your life going forward will still be good and happy.
You won’t see it yet but believe me it will. There are too many of us in this position who continue to thrive for it not to be true. None of us believe it at the time though

Are you ok?

FWIW, I don't think EVERY man leaves for another woman.

Anyway, you've got to take control now. In the future, I promise you will be so proud of the way you handled things.

My ex husband randomly announced he was leaving two years ago - I had just given birth to our fourth baby. I let him go. Of course, as soon as he closed the door, I cried for hours, but I did not let him see that. I had worshipped him for six years and I know that he would have expected me to be texting him, ringing him, begging him. I did none of that. As hard as it was, I started getting on with my life. He couldn't believe it!

You have to think of YOU now. Your husband is not a prize to be won. Any man that can do this to their family, with no explanation, is a nasty piece of work

I'm so sorry.

How have you found the last couple of weeks?

I’m so sorry BigGrannyPants. I hope you have some real life support to get through this.

As hard as it is now, at least you’re not in limbo waiting for him to make a decision any more. You can start to make peace with your new situation and work out what you need to do for your family as a single mum. There is a lot of help out there, financial and emotional, for single mums, so do make sure you take advantage of any support you can find. When you feel ready people on here will be happy to point you in the right direction.

For now, take good care of yourself, you’ve had a huge shock and you need to be kind to yourself. Try to eat regularly (but some easy dinners/ready meals), lower your standards re housework etc and take it easy. Your DCs need you to be well, so don’t feel guilty for taking time to look after yourself.

You will get through this and come out the other end stronger and happier than you ever thought you’d be. But for now that seems a long way off I know. We’re all here for you

Where has he gone to?

Thank you all, the last couple of weeks have been torturous. I suppose in my heart of hearts this was going to happen, just wishing for it not to be true. He has gone back to relatives 2nd house. I was angry yesterday, didn't cope very well and gave him some very brutal home truths. But today, I decided is day one, for both of us. The kids will always come first, we will remain friends and work with each other to make sure that remains the case. A lot of uncertainties just now, a lot of practicalities to be sorted out. I am not looking forward to being without him, but it is what it is, and I will just need to adjust. I have a group of great friends. My parents have come to stay for however long I need, my sister who lives abroad is always at the end of the phone when I need her. This will be a real struggle for me.

I’m so sorry OP

I’m glad it sounds like you have some good RL support.

I'm glad you've got RL support, and you have a great attitude. Be prepared for some difficult emotions along the way and forgive yourself if you don't manage to keep it all sweetness and light! You're only human.

My XH didn't leave for someone else. He just hoped that a woman (or a man!) would jump into the gap. So they don't always leave for someone they've set up as a partner.

It's tough. Just prepare yourself for him not being the man you thought he was, especially re support with finances and the children.