Serious issues in a child’s home

[beehive74]

Hi need some advice. Dd10 has a best friend who lives in a nice house etc. Parents very unsociable to the point that if you drop their child off after a sleepover they don’t come to the door and the child lets themselves in. Anyway this kid (she’s one of 3 children in home) has told my dd and me a lot. She doesn’t have toys or books just a bed in her room. She has to stay in there all the time. Parents don’t talk to her at all. She has a slice of toast for tea , no breakfast, and a packet of crisps in her packed lunch bag (I’ve been doubling daughters packed lunch for 6 months so she eats!) .. it’s horrendous the things she says. Anyway to cut a long story short she told someone at school today that her dad hit her older sister (12) round face with house phone last night. She was pulled out of class and not seen her since. I’m really worried they might have sent her home and don’t realise just how bad things are and have told him what she said.
Question is .. would u contact school n tell them everything else you know? I don’t want to interfere as had a similar issue a couple of years ago with another child and caused my daughter to have a really bad time through bullying. Help!!

This girl isn’t spoken to st home at all, has no possessions ( my dd nipped into house n witnessed this herself in last pick up when nonparents apowared again) doesn’t get food or drink ( no water bottle) I’ve been providing packed lunch , breakfast, drink for lunch bag and also a water bottle that I fill up daily and she hands me back on pick up .. I’ve seriously been stuck as to what to do without putting her at risk from saying too much and it raising suspicion but not being taking seriously, as I said previously catch 22 but now that brave little girl spoke up today and I am hoping that tomorrow morning her new life starts

So don't shoot me down...but...

Is there any chance that this girl is making this up. A couple of things don't ring true:

• malnourished children don't usually perform well at school
• how did you find out that she has no books and toys - I would have thought that this would be something that a neglected child would keep very secret
• she is allowed to go on sleepovers but presumably doesn't reciprocate. It seems surprising that she is even allowed to go.

If she is high-functioning then isn't there a chance that she is making stuff up ? Given the behaviour of her anti-social parents, I am wondering if she feels embarrassed that her parents won't let her reciprocate sleepover / play-dates. Saying you don't have toys or books or food might seem a good excuse to a 10 year old who doesn't understand the consequences of this.

I appreciate that you are there on the ground OP, but some of the stuff just doesn't sit right in what you have written. Mostly, I have an impression that she is not displaying typical characteristics of a neglected child. Does she exhibit signs of neglect: dark rings, malnourished, quiet etc?

No, actually, you didn't do what you could. You should have named names and told the school that this particular girl isn't getting a proper lunch.

I agree Hollow. I can't believe you've not reported this sooner.
You have not done all you can for her. You've left those poor children to continue to suffer.

I know you have been helping by providing food but I am utterly stunned that you have known about this for months and not reported it. I've reported to social services before and they investigate the same day usually or a social worker will call you back to get more information and then decide whether or not to investigate further. Better to be nothing wrong and feel like you've wasted their time than to ignore things and a child be in danger. You can report anonymously.

That's right, blame the OP. Christ I hate the holier than thou types on Mumsnet.

You just need to give all the info you have to the safeguarding person in school and leave it with them to progress - don't expect them to tell you anything else about the situation.

This has been my exact problem with it and I thought the same as you!! However she’s extremely intelligent as are her siblings ... she doesn’t have internet access at home for online homework as her dad smashed up computer (that I didn’t believe until last month elder sisters laptop given at secondary he smashed up) the thing over the malnourishment she’s tiny , aged 11 in 6-7 clothes with every bone in her spine visible. The lack of items in house my dd went in to help her bring her stuff for last sleepover at start of easter holidays and told me all she has is her bed and a bookcase with one book on it and a pen. Parents didn’t purchase sats revision books from school so I photocopied my daughters and gave her them. She tearfully told me that they found them under her mattress and didn’t give her tea and threw them in bin. I didn’t believe anything could be that bad .. but I now do. I’ve heard enough and seen her breakdown totally 3 times in 4 weeks as she’s trusting me now and knows me. I swear to god this kid isn’t exaggerating. The fear if she’s held up leaving school and might be late is so real I fear it myself and end up giving her a lift to get her there sooner and drop her at end of her road!

Trust me I would do anything to safeguard and help this child . I haven’t ignored and walked away , I’ve helped her daily etc but nothing has been 100% and no bruises etc or what they would call proper abuse . Slot of info was second hand from my dd and it seriously was wishy washy .. I’ve had advice from 2 friends and my mum and all said hmmm something doesn’t add up are u sure about this .. and I wasn’t until easter holidays . Then certain things happened that “filled in the jigsaw” as previous posters have said .. I nearly stopped providing lunches because I thought at one point I was being duped .. but I’m not and now she’s come forward after last nights incident I will be adding my knowledge to that!!

You sound like a really lovely person op...and a lovely mum. You are doing the right thing. I hope she is ok.

Just to add over the sleepover question .. I txt the mother, get a txt back saying might be ok but will have to check with husband and never hear anything else .. until the child turns up in morning in school run I never know .. she tgen comes with bag with pjs in that she’s oacked herself and I drop her off after sleepover having had no further texts and no parent comes out when I drop her off!!! It’s been the strangest thing ever

Ask to speak to one of the safeguarding officers at school tomorrow regarding a child you believe to be at risk.

Stress that you have information that may be part of a bigger picture and that you wish to share as you have concerns about his/her welfare.

Can I just add the posters saying they can’t believe not reported about her not having lunch .. 2 of dd other classmates are extremely picky so have packed lunches with hardly anything in them ... I did voice concerns to school over them not checking packed lunches to make sure children were getting food and nothing was done!

Oh that poor girl! So glad you are escalating this.

Yes you need to talk to safeguarding person at school.

They won't be able to ignore it - poor girl.

My niece (DHs brothers little girl) told my Mum her Dad had smashed the TV and had Mummy in a headlock the other week and my Mum was horrified.

It's disgusting what some kids have to go through - I really feel for her.

In the meantime can she have sleepovers often? I know it doesn't sort the issue but if you feel you can offer her that bit of normality I think it would mean the world to her.

Make an appointment with the head tomorrow and voice your concerns. If you don’t think anything will be done or you feel brushed off then call SS yourself.

Anyone can call SS about a child. Child welfare is all of our problems.

But it wasn't just the packed lunches that caused concern was it. A child of 11 wearing age 6 clothes. My daughter is 11 and is on the 0.4th percentile weighing the sand as the average 8 year old and has visible bones. But she's not in such tiny clothes. The situation at home? Any one of those points is enough to raise concerns. It's not your job to feed her, it's your job to report a child who is being neglected on any front.

Beehive you don’t have to justify or explain anything. You sound extremely caring and you’re clearly going to speak to someone. The pompous twats posting are being unbelievably unhelpful with their criticism.

I wish Literarydevil could walk in my shoes for the past month... it's been terrible not knowing what to do for the best. I first got to know this child back in july last year... summer hols hit and really then it became a daily thing from september. I have questioned myself, questioned my dd .. questioned whether I am going mad... the info coming in was sporadic and mixed messages. So I did what I thought was best I covered all eventualities by feeding her and caring for her in other ways without knowing if what I was being told was true. I now understand she was embarrassed and put up a front. Her birthday was around xmas time and it was only then that I realised that something was seriously not right. I am not going into massive detail for obvious reasons but from then til now (4 months) i've ploughed myself in emotionally and financially on a daily basis (all without her parents knowledge) this child since has become more confident, happier and I believe my and my daughters part in her life has been the only happy thing. I didnt dare risk that when she didnt appear at physical risk. If i thought she was being physically abused etc i would have stepped in but unfortunately I know through experience of having a 15 and 10 year old that there are crap parents in every year whose children are "surviving". however now that she has had the guts to report serious wrongdoing I will be going to back her up with relevant authorities tomorrow. If you are going to report people just for having an unsubstantial packed lunch then im sorry but you will become a nuisance by year 10 lol

Ignore them, Beehive it’s very easy to say what you should have done.
Ultimately you can’t go back in time and do any of these things anyway. Life is full of situations where in hindsight you would have done something differently.

What you need to worry about now is getting this child help.

That some people on this thread are saying it doesn't ring true / isn't believable and the child should be ignored, at the exact same time as others are saying she should have been believed sooner and the situation reported possibly discloses the exact conflict Beehive has had to deal with.

for all concerned.

Well done again, Beehive.

I think many would have given parents the benefit of the doubt - lack of food could be down to a parent losing a job or going through some sort of crisis, you don't know what to believe about other aspects of the situation, maybe especially since your DD had been to the house and presumably did not mention piles of rubbish, parents bawling at each other or at the children, drug or alcohol abuse, while there.

You are not to be blamed for being cautious about what went on behind everyone's back. You did what you could.

Clearly too, the school were aware of some issues but obv not everything.

SimonBridges thank you.. I did what i thought and believed was the right thing at the time. If i had run to school or social services in the first instance then there is a possibility this child would have clammed up, not said anything and ended up with no outside help at all. As it is I have fed and clothed her, provided twice daily emotional support plus sleepover for 2 nights once a month. I have done what I thought was best. I actually said to my DD yesterday that this child was suddenly opening up to me. I have noticed a huge difference this week and she obviously felt confident enough to report issues in school today to someone she sees once a week (believe its a social worker/counsellor) I will make sure when I go in tomorrow that the school are informed of everything and also that she is told that she is the bravest child and how proud people are of her.
If you saw someone about to jump off a bridge would you talk to them straight away or wait for a trained negotiator to arrive... unfortunately I have felt I have been in the same situation!

Ok changed my name and all I can this ofor this story sounds so familiar but from and adult when I was a kid her sorry sounder so much like mine a friends mam used to pack extra food for me feed me sleep overs ect and my mam never did. My friends mam finally contacted ss and I was removed and taken into care what she didn't know is she really saved my life I was 11 too and stuff had been going on for years what you have done so far is amazing like my friends mam did for me please contact the school and ss first thing in the morning tell them everything u know please.

Story sounds