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Original poster

Need advice! Boyfriend won't introduce me to his kids

76 replies

Amckenzie600 · 04/04/2018 16:09

Hi all. Newbie poster but long time lurker here. I just need some advice/feedback..

The situation : been with boyfriend for 1.5 years. We live together and are serious. We are both 30. He's a fantastic guy and we get along amazingly.

The biggest issue that I have is the fact that he has two daughters..

He didn't tell me that he had children when we first started dating (which I'm very angry about, now). There were pictures of them on his Facebook but I was in full time study and work at the time and honestly just didn't notice the pictures.. I don't know how, but it's the truth.

When I did find out he had two children I think I convinced myself that it was fine, and that we would get too serious. Major mistake..

Now that we are serious, it has been bothering me to an obsession level that he has shared this experience before me. Please don't say that I am a bad person for the feelings that I have, my feelings are not towards his kids. It's more The fact that he didn't talk about them.. and now we are serious and for some reason I can't let it go..

Feel like I'm not getting any closure on the matter as I've asked to meet them, countless times. He doesn't have any visitation at the moment as things are rocky with the Mother.

I just feel in limbo. I feel massively torn as dating a father is honestly nothing that I'd ever want. .. but someone I've found myself in a situation where I'm dating one, yet we have never spoken about all of these precious moments that he has had. I don't know how I honestly feel about it because I haven't met them, or seen him with them..

For info: the mother is re married and has another baby. So it isn't like he is trying to get back with her or anything.

Thanks guys for listening, and taking the time to answer.

OP posts:
GrooovyLass · 04/04/2018 16:11

How can you meet them if he has no visitation with them? Although the whole not telling you thing is weird. I told my DP about my DD on the night I met him.

retirednow · 04/04/2018 16:11

If he has no visitation rights you cannot expect to meet them, do you know why he is not allowed tomsee them.

Butterymuffin · 04/04/2018 16:13

Do you want to have children yourself?

I have to say I can see why you aren't able to meet them atm as he's not seeing them himself. And I don't think kids should meet new partners too quickly anyway. For how much of the 2.5 years has this been the case though? And what's he planning to do to get visitation back?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships
Aprilmightmemynewname · 04/04/2018 16:13

Having dc =no issue.
Having dc he doesn't see =big red flags.
I have been with a man who blamed the ex for nc with his dd. . The more I got to know him it became obvious she had her reasons. And good ones.
Flakey df doesn't make for a good man.
Imo.
You know the version of him he has allowed you to know and that's all.

Floralnomad · 04/04/2018 16:13

I’d be more concerned about living with someone who has no access to his children .

stitchglitched · 04/04/2018 16:13

How can he introduce them to you when he isn't even seeing them himself? Also if you live together how will contact work- do they go from not seeing their father to suddenly not only seeing him but having his new partner there too? He didn't even tell you they existed, I would be very wary.

holiday101 · 04/04/2018 16:14

Is he fighting to get visitation rights OP? That would be of much greater concern to me than the 'precious moment's he has already had. The fact that he never talks about them either would be a bit of a red flag too.

YourWanMajella · 04/04/2018 16:15

How do you get to meet them when he doesn't see them? And why would anyone introduce you to their children because of your needs and your weird obsession with all the wrong parts of this issue?

This is all messed up. Theres nothing in your post about the childrens needs or why their father doesn't see them. Does he even pay child support?

It's not about you. You have a crazy obsession that sounds totally unhealthy, and the last thing those children need is you in their lives.

Luckyme2 · 04/04/2018 16:17

Did he tell you about them before you moved in together?

MadameJosephine · 04/04/2018 16:18

I’d be having serious second thoughts about whether this was a man I wanted to be with. First he pretended he didn’t have any children and now he doesn’t see them because things are ‘rocky’? MASSIVE red flags

Original poster
Amckenzie600 · 04/04/2018 16:18

I'm not being unhealthy, but cheers for the dig that isn't constructive at all.

OP posts:
Luckyme2 · 04/04/2018 16:19

How old are the children? Is he pictured with them on his Facebook account? Just wondering when he was stopped from seeing them (and why). Has he got photos up around your home of them?

Original poster
Amckenzie600 · 04/04/2018 16:21

Yeah I know.. this is what I'm trying to get to the bottom of, really. Of why he isn't seeing them. I don't think he pays regularly for them as he has been out of work recently..

Think the whole thing is bugging me, yeah the red flags are there and im no longer able I ignore them

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 04/04/2018 16:21

Why would you move in with someone who hides the existence of his kids, doesn't see his kids, and who you have never even seen with his kids to know what kind of father he is, or met them yourself?

BitOutOfPractice · 04/04/2018 16:21

Why doesn't he see them OP? That, and the not telling you straight out would really concern me tbh

I'm not going to berate you for how you feel because, well, it's how you feel

Do you think you can get past this? FWIW I don't think I could

Original poster
Amckenzie600 · 04/04/2018 16:22

He has pictures in his albums , but the last time he saw them was for Christmas. He doesn't keep pictures of them in he flat: but it is my flat and we hardly have pictures up of ourselves. The girls are 7 and 9.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 04/04/2018 16:23

So, he's continuing to be evasive about all sorts of things...why he doesn't see them, whether he pays for them etc. It's not looking good is it?

retirednow · 04/04/2018 16:24

There must be a reason he cannot see them, maybe that's why he doesn't talk about them, yes he has a history with someone else, that can be difficult when you date someone with children.These children are not part of your life, I don't mean to sound unkind but you are torturing yourself.

Original poster
Amckenzie600 · 04/04/2018 16:24

Yeah. I don't know if I can get past it..

I think just not talking about them for all of our relationship has been so odd..

I'm sorry guys that I'm not replying to every answer.. still working out how to use the thread!

OP posts:
Luckyme2 · 04/04/2018 16:25

It doesn't look good OP. How did you find out about them? How far away do they live? If be concerned he's moved in to your flat too. Does he pay towards the rent/mortgage/bills?

Original poster
Amckenzie600 · 04/04/2018 16:25

@retirednow I know that I am. I just feel as though I'm giving everything to someone when I quite obviously have only received part of him..

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 04/04/2018 16:26

Do you know the rest of his family- parents, siblings? Do any of them mention his kids?

Prettylovely · 04/04/2018 16:27

Red flags everywhere walk away you will save yourself alot of pain in the long run.

iMatter · 04/04/2018 16:27

He hasn't seen his kids for at least a year and a half?

I'm sorry op but worrying about sharing an experience with him that he's already had is the least of your worries.

Massive red flags. Run for the hills.

YourWanMajella · 04/04/2018 16:27

I'm not being unhealthy, but cheers for the dig that isn't constructive at all

You really are, but unsurprising you can't see it.

You live with someone who has two children he doesn't see at all, and your obsession is with the fact that he has shared that experience before you.
Can you not see how crazy that is, that that is what you focus on? It is so wrong.