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Original poster

Need advice! Boyfriend won't introduce me to his kids

76 replies

Amckenzie600 · 04/04/2018 16:09

Hi all. Newbie poster but long time lurker here. I just need some advice/feedback..

The situation : been with boyfriend for 1.5 years. We live together and are serious. We are both 30. He's a fantastic guy and we get along amazingly.

The biggest issue that I have is the fact that he has two daughters..

He didn't tell me that he had children when we first started dating (which I'm very angry about, now). There were pictures of them on his Facebook but I was in full time study and work at the time and honestly just didn't notice the pictures.. I don't know how, but it's the truth.

When I did find out he had two children I think I convinced myself that it was fine, and that we would get too serious. Major mistake..

Now that we are serious, it has been bothering me to an obsession level that he has shared this experience before me. Please don't say that I am a bad person for the feelings that I have, my feelings are not towards his kids. It's more The fact that he didn't talk about them.. and now we are serious and for some reason I can't let it go..

Feel like I'm not getting any closure on the matter as I've asked to meet them, countless times. He doesn't have any visitation at the moment as things are rocky with the Mother.

I just feel in limbo. I feel massively torn as dating a father is honestly nothing that I'd ever want. .. but someone I've found myself in a situation where I'm dating one, yet we have never spoken about all of these precious moments that he has had. I don't know how I honestly feel about it because I haven't met them, or seen him with them..

For info: the mother is re married and has another baby. So it isn't like he is trying to get back with her or anything.

Thanks guys for listening, and taking the time to answer.

OP posts:
Luckyme2 · 04/04/2018 16:48

Aw OP you're not selling him to us here! I think you know deep down this isn't right. If he was open about his kids, saw them, made them a part of your life together etc then I bet you wouldn't have the insecurities you currently do about the precious moments he may have had in the past! As it is though not only does he not see them but he didn't even tell you he had them and now he wants to move across the world without them! Enjoy your life in Miami and leave this man behind!

BubblesAndSquarks · 04/04/2018 16:49

Do you know if him or the mum is driving the no contact? If anything I'd be more worried if it was the mum. Why hasn't he gone to court is there some kind of abuse or domestic violence he doesn't want brought up?

I'd run a mile, there doesn't seem to be any positives about him. If you want children then this relationship is pointless it would be awful to knowingly inflict a dad like this on another child.

Gingersstuff · 04/04/2018 16:49

Honestly, with every post he's sounding more and more like someone you really don't want in your life. You sound like you have your head screwed on. Please for the love of the gods, don't take him to Miami with you. You'll never get rid of him and he is NOT a good partner.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships
Original poster
Amckenzie600 · 04/04/2018 16:50

@Prettylovely It really is trying to tell me what to do. I need to listen.. thank you all for taking the time to post.. I'm someone who will actually listen. I really needed this girl chat.. 🙌🏼

OP posts:
user1474652148 · 04/04/2018 16:51

Oh my god you can not possibly stay with this man. A bad bet doesn’t even begin to describe it!

You have your own plans and dreams. I suggest you do not compromise them for this layabout and go and have the life you deserve with a man you can trust and share all the magical firsts with.
A man you know will be devoted to your dc and one you can trust.

You deserve much better than a life with someone like him - trust me

Original poster
Amckenzie600 · 04/04/2018 16:52

@BubblesandSquarks. It's the mom. But I don't Think she has been getting any money and is fed up. He hasn't tried to go through the courts even though I've offered to help him see his girls..

OP posts:
user1474652148 · 04/04/2018 16:54

Make some notes from this experience. Next time a man lies to you about something so big finish it. Raise your standards and no half measures. Good luck with the next chapter

BitOutOfPractice · 04/04/2018 16:55

My guess is that there's a very good reason she doesn't want him seeing them. There often is. Those poor girls.

I agree you sound great. You can do so so much better.

YourWanMajella · 04/04/2018 16:55

It's the mom. But I don't Think she has been getting any money and is fed up. He hasn't tried to go through the courts even though I've offered to help him see his girls

Is it really though, or is that just what he is telling you as it sounds better than "I can't be fucked". He doesn't pay anything for them? What does that tell you?

AdaColeman · 04/04/2018 16:55

Go back home to Miami and leave him behind in Scotland.

He is keeping far too much of his life secret from you, and he's taking advantage of you financially. This is not a very nice man.

So in true Mumsnet tradition...
Run, run for the hills!

Original poster
Amckenzie600 · 04/04/2018 16:55

Thanks all. 🌲.

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 04/04/2018 16:56

You need to move back to Miami and leave him in Scotland to cocklodge off someone other poor mug. When you cannot get any answers, the truth is usually worse than you can imagine. Literally every single thing you say about him is another red flag.

bastardkitty · 04/04/2018 16:56

Whoops, cross posted with several other people

MadameJosephine · 04/04/2018 16:57

Does he have any redeeming quality?

You don’t ‘live together’, he’s a cocklodger who sponges off you

He’s not a’loving boyfriend, he’s a prick who lies to you about his children

He’s a poor excuse for a father. First he pretends they don’t exist, he doesn’t support them, he invents reasons that he can’t see them and then he wants to abandon them so he can move to Miami where he will probably find a reason why he can’t find work and live off you

What a charmer!

MaverickSnoopy · 04/04/2018 18:54

No, no, no, no. Just no.

You know the red flags people are mentioning? Well they're talking about great big flags with a bull running towards them! You are being chased by the bull. Now run.

This guy is a waste of space. I'm sorry that you have found someone like this and that you're so wrapped up in him but honesty, if you stay with him, you will waste your years on him.

DeathStare · 06/04/2018 16:28

So here's what we know about your boyfriend:
his work record is not stable
he is not good at managing money
he does not contribute to your household expenses
he does not pay child support for his children
he does not see his children and does not seem bothered by this
he did not bother telling you he has children
he is happy to move to another country away from his children, where (presumably)his poor financial management skills would prevent him ever seeing his children.

OP do you want children in the future? Because this man is not a good father to the children he already has and does not show any desire to change and become a good father. The fact that he is letting the existing children down is bad enough, but if you want children in your future he's giving you a very good indication of the kind of father he would be to your children.

He also isn't much of a partner and it seems that he doesn't want to take any responsibility for supporting himself or working as part of a partnership with you.

Stop worrying about you meeting his children and run for the hills (or to Miami - without him!)

Original poster
Amckenzie600 · 07/04/2018 02:31

He does support himself and is generous when he has money.

The thing that is keeping me by his side is that I met him right before he left the army after being in for 12 years, which I know is a massive transition. He was paying support for the kids when he was on a good army pay check, but since being out it is taking him a little while to find his groove.

This is why I'm conflicted the most, I think. Not sure if I just need to see him past this stage and things will become financially secure again, and with that he will see his kids (and I'll meet them). He is also the most attentive and loving person I've ever been with. We genuinely love one another.

It feels like a bit of a mess! 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
Amckenzie600 · 07/04/2018 02:31

@Deathstar

Yes , I do want children at some point.

OP posts:
LunaTheCat · 07/04/2018 02:35

I would be asking if he is still in a relationship with his children’s mother.

Rainbowqueeen · 07/04/2018 02:47

Move to Miami without him

And if you ever waver, read death stares list again.

In a life long partner you absolutely need the same attitude towards finances and family life. Without these, you have far less chance of it working.

I have absolutely no respect for any person who moves thousands of miles away from their children. I honestly don't know how you can stand to look at him. All the generosity in the world cannot make up for that

Cavender · 07/04/2018 03:04

I’m British living in the USA. He’s never going to get a visa.

Go home to Miami sweetheart and leave him firmly behind.

He’s planning to abandon his children and live in the sunshine while you pay for everything.

He’s probably planning to travel in a tourist via then stay illegally- so he won’t ever be able to pay his way properly or hr’ll Get deported and you could be left holding another abandoned baby.

And no, he doesn’t “support himself”, he lives with you for free.

Come home and cut all ties.

Flowers
Original poster
Amckenzie600 · 07/04/2018 03:14

@Cavander

Thank you. I will.☀️️

OP posts:
TwentySmackeroos · 07/04/2018 03:15

By 'taking a little time to find his groove', do you mean he has not worked since you started dating him 1.5 years ago?

Cavender · 07/04/2018 03:31

Good for you AMckenzie he’s not the one for you.

Flowers
Graphista · 07/04/2018 04:25

My ex was also army.

The reason he was paying maintenance when he was in the army is likely to be because not paying can be a major disciplinary issue for them, could have resulted in early discharge affecting his pension etc

Second "close protection and security" is something many fall into post army and can be a euphemism for less than savoury work they're doing - eg debt collection (and I don't mean your legally sanctioned kind).

But even ignoring that at BEST he's a cocklodging deadbeat dad who lied to you about a major part of his life.

At worst, he was abusive too and has lost any rights to contact (and it has to be REALLY bad for that to happen)

Get rid as fast as possible.