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Original poster

Need advice! Boyfriend won't introduce me to his kids

76 replies

Amckenzie600 · 04/04/2018 16:09

Hi all. Newbie poster but long time lurker here. I just need some advice/feedback..

The situation : been with boyfriend for 1.5 years. We live together and are serious. We are both 30. He's a fantastic guy and we get along amazingly.

The biggest issue that I have is the fact that he has two daughters..

He didn't tell me that he had children when we first started dating (which I'm very angry about, now). There were pictures of them on his Facebook but I was in full time study and work at the time and honestly just didn't notice the pictures.. I don't know how, but it's the truth.

When I did find out he had two children I think I convinced myself that it was fine, and that we would get too serious. Major mistake..

Now that we are serious, it has been bothering me to an obsession level that he has shared this experience before me. Please don't say that I am a bad person for the feelings that I have, my feelings are not towards his kids. It's more The fact that he didn't talk about them.. and now we are serious and for some reason I can't let it go..

Feel like I'm not getting any closure on the matter as I've asked to meet them, countless times. He doesn't have any visitation at the moment as things are rocky with the Mother.

I just feel in limbo. I feel massively torn as dating a father is honestly nothing that I'd ever want. .. but someone I've found myself in a situation where I'm dating one, yet we have never spoken about all of these precious moments that he has had. I don't know how I honestly feel about it because I haven't met them, or seen him with them..

For info: the mother is re married and has another baby. So it isn't like he is trying to get back with her or anything.

Thanks guys for listening, and taking the time to answer.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amckenzie600 · 04/04/2018 16:28

@luckyme2

Thanks for the real feedback and questions.. I need it.

He is ex army. He stays with me about 4 days a week. Doesn't contribute to bills but will buy food every now and then. He's a loving boyfriend and spends time and money on me in other ways.

I think all this is coming to head because I am moving to Miami, and he wants to come.

Basically I'm struggling with starting a new life when there's this massive thing we don't talk about..

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 04/04/2018 16:30

Do his kids live anywhere near Miami? If not he is kind of saying that he isn't that bothered about them really. If you want kids of your own he really doesn't sound like a good bet.

YourWanMajella · 04/04/2018 16:30

Is that far from where you live now?

So your freeloading boyfriend want's to completely abandon his children and your real problem is that he doesn't talk about it with you?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Dating General relationships
BitOutOfPractice · 04/04/2018 16:30

I think you have to write this relationship off personally. I'd have really major concerns about a man who can't / won't talk about his kids. Even now he isn't forthcoming about them? It does seem very odd and not a little cold

I think that's more of a block to your future happiness than your feelings about it if you see what I mean. It would really worry me.

Original poster
Amckenzie600 · 04/04/2018 16:31

@YourWanMajella

Actually , you're right, and I'll take that..

I think I've just been in this situation for too long and haven't talked about it to anyone. You're right that I'm not seeing it clearly ..

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YourWanMajella · 04/04/2018 16:32

I'm not trying to be cruel to you, but you are not seeing things clearly and indulging your ideas further is not helpful to you.

He is not a good bet. He is a deadbeat dad and a cocklodger lying boyfriend. Can't you do better?

glasshalfemp · 04/04/2018 16:33

I couldn’t date someone who didn’t have access to his children.

Mymouthgetsmeintrouble · 04/04/2018 16:33

The fact he does not see his children would put me right off him , as would the cocklodging

Original poster
Amckenzie600 · 04/04/2018 16:33

@BitOutOfPractice

That's how I feel too. I just don't understand how someone can bring a child into this world, share all of these magical things and moments with them, and just not utter a word about them.

It's obvious when we visit his family that they are loved and spoken about. So he talks about them to his family, just not me. It's just bizarre for me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Amckenzie600 · 04/04/2018 16:35

@YourWantMajella

Thank you for the mirror and truth in your words. Yeah , I can. Also I grew up without a Father so I know what those girls are going to feel..

Thanks everyone for their time. And hahaha @the cocklodging comment

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 04/04/2018 16:36

I couldn’t date someone who didn’t have access to his children

I'm afraid I wouldn't either OP. Especially someone who wouldn't even tell me why

I know all this sounds harsh. It must be hard to read. But I think you knew in your heart of hearts that this was wrong. Hope you're OK Thanks

BTW moving to Miami sounds FABULOUS!

Original poster
Amckenzie600 · 04/04/2018 16:37

@YourWantMajella

Actually we live in Scotland. He is Scottish and I need to return home, to Miami.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 04/04/2018 16:38

Ah, I bet he does want to come with you! (so would I! Wink)

What does he say he's planning to do for work there?

Original poster
Amckenzie600 · 04/04/2018 16:39

@BitOutOfPractice

Thanks girl. It is hard to hear but I'm needing the truth before this big move. Star

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YourWanMajella · 04/04/2018 16:39

Leave him there, OP! You can do much better, I'm sure of it. Next time ask straight off if they have any kids and run a mile from any man who doesn't see them Wink

user1474652148 · 04/04/2018 16:40

The reason your instincts are screaming at you now is that you can not trust this man AT ALL and never will be able to.
How can you possibly ever trust this man when he has behaved so badly and has been dishonest with you.

He didn’t tell you had dc (therefore lied about them)
His track record of parenting is appalling is this what you want for your future dc?
He doesn’t pay for his children
He doesn’t care about his children this much is obvious why will he care about yours?
He doesnt work so can’t support a family anyway

Why on earth would you stay with him? Get out now and find a decent loving honest man whilst you still can!!

Butterymuffin · 04/04/2018 16:41

So he's prepared to move to a different continent from his kids? I couldn't do that.

Original poster
Amckenzie600 · 04/04/2018 16:41

@BitOutOfPractice

He would do close protection and security.. which is what he has done since leaving the army.

.

OP posts:
Chutneyorchids · 04/04/2018 16:41

Why doesn’t he see his children?

BitOutOfPractice · 04/04/2018 16:43

He would do close protection and security

With the greatest respect to people in those professions, I'm liking him less and less the more you post about him. He sounds like a bad bet.

Go back to Miami, enjoy the sunshine and meet a decent man who is not a flake and a twat

Original poster
Amckenzie600 · 04/04/2018 16:43

Yeah.. that's basically it 😔

He totally doesn't work enough. I send money home and work 6 days. He works 2 .. he doesn't seem to have good money managing skills either: like he got a lump sum from a job he did and went and got new clothes and things.. .. I'm really wanting to ask how much he's sending to his kids from that money...

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 04/04/2018 16:45

He was deceitful when he didn't tell you about his children. So I would be wary of believing the other stuff. Has his ex remarried and now has a new baby? He doesn't pay regular maintenance as far as you know. I think he's a waste of space and you should move on. But it's up to you in the end. If he never sees them I can't see that you've much chance of meeting them.

Prettylovely · 04/04/2018 16:45

He sounds worse the more you post about him. Your gut instinct is screaming out to you please listen to it!

Teenytinyvoice · 04/04/2018 16:45

Would he even qualify for a green card? You would probably have to spend a lot of money on lawyers for a guy whole seems like there are a whole host of issues!

Original poster
Amckenzie600 · 04/04/2018 16:47

@stichedglitched I've met all of his family. They always talk about his girls. Most of the time it's his mother or grandmother asking if he's seen them ..

OP posts: