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Original poster

If you best friend of 35+ yrs admitted to having an affair with your husband?

123 replies

Screaminginsideme · 19/01/2018 19:03

So it’s been a traumatic year. DD has been diagnosed with a disease so rare it’s know as an orphan disease. It will effect her for the rest of her life and has changed everything. My youngest DD lost her BFF this week as her mum died and she had to move away. Wednesday(the day of the funeral) my best friend of 35+ years, the God mother of my children, the only woman I’ve ever trusted fully imploded my world by admitting that 8years ago she had a fling with my husband. She, my husband and her husband have been lying to me all this time. I haven’t stopped shaking, I can’t get warm.
We have two kids- her kids are like my kids. Husband is desperate to make it all ok but only cause I now know

OP posts:
headinhands · 20/01/2018 16:12

Op I can't help but think the timing is odd. Is it possible they've just been careful for the last 8 years. Thanks

grandmanotmummy · 20/01/2018 16:21

I'm so sorry op Flowers how utterly devastating.
I didn't want to read and run. I don't have any advice I'm afraid, but please keep talking. We are all here for you.
Might be best to get this moved to the relationships board so that you can hopefully get some more advice.
Please look after yourself Flowers x

DontbeaDickaboutit · 20/01/2018 16:32

Why is he so angry (by the by, but completely unacceptable he's hit her in any scenario but I realise this isn't your concern) if he's known for 6 years?

Perceptive post above, are you sure he's known for 6 years? All seems very fresh for him, what has prompted him to tell her she must come clean to you NOW?

Idontdowindows · 20/01/2018 16:47

It does sound like he has only just found out, like Dontbe says. Or he has just found out it is still ongoing, of course.

PastaOfMuppets · 20/01/2018 17:10

Omg OP what a horrible thing to learn on top of everything else. No advice, apart from take each day as it comes and put yourself and your DDs first. Flowers Sympathies.

Magpie18 · 21/01/2018 13:17

So very sorry OP, what a pair of scummy shits! She is not who you thought she was (neither is your "D" P but deciding what to do about him will take longer ime .........) & she has to be dead to you now. Her husbands not far behind imo - he should have given her that ultimatum six years ago! You don't need to make any decisions about your marriage immediately - you will go through so many emotions but you will come through this, honestly.

You are in shock & your first duty is to yourself so let the cheating toe rag you're married to look after the kids while you get support & care from your sister, close friends etc. Like many others unfortunately, I have been there. There's no pain like it, I truly feel for you xxx

Fekko · 21/01/2018 13:23

Why did her husband get so angry and hit her just now? He forced her hand so it’s not exactly news to him. I’d be raging and threatening to whack both but I wouldn’t even lay hands on anyone.

I can’t advise as I’ve not been in this position and don’t know the people involved.

However I would advise space and time to get thoughts clear and think about what you want and how you want things to proceed.

Original poster
Screaminginsideme · 22/01/2018 12:38

I asked for full disclosure and there were things he didn’t know.

OP posts:
Fekko · 22/01/2018 13:48

Oh I see so he picked the scab? I hope you have had time and space to get your head in gear, no matter what you decide to do.

DriggleDraggle · 22/01/2018 13:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CremeFresh · 22/01/2018 14:04

Have you spoken to your 'friend' ? Did she tell you her husband hit her ? I don't get why he's so angry if he's known for all these years. Sounds like he's just found out .

thethoughtfox · 22/01/2018 14:10

I'm so sorry OP. You are having a horrific time. This is your life and your marriage. You do what you need to to get through this even if it means trying again with your husband or even just making outward peace with this just now so you can focus on your child and you can deal with your marriage when you have the strength.

thethoughtfox · 22/01/2018 14:11

Agree with PP, go for coffee (public place for safety) with her husband and get the full story.

EggsonHeads · 22/01/2018 14:14

Well you are a bit stick because of the little ones so can't do much with your husband. but your 'friend' would be dead to me. It's bad enough that she did it but the bitch found one hell of a time to tell you.

steppemum · 22/01/2018 14:15

In general, I don't make the assumption that an affair means the end of a marrigae. It does mean a shift and lots of counselling etc.

In this case the fact they have continued to be friends for the last 8 years is the sticking point for me. The lies and deceipt.
I would always wonder if there was still something going on

ItWentInMyEye · 22/01/2018 14:18

Wow. You poor thing Thanks have you got any other close friends to talk to? X

DarthNigel · 22/01/2018 14:18

Oh god, sorry op Sad
I found out two years ago just as my marriage was ending that my best friend (who had been supporting and advising me through my marriage ending and I her in reverse) had in fact been having an affair with.My husband for the preceding 18 months.
I can tell you what I did-lost it totally. Became very anxious and depressed, ended up losing my job...had to pay for a lot of CBT and counselling. Took a long time to trust anyone at all, even slightly.

What I wished I'd done-moved as far away as possible. Seen as little as possible of both of them. Told our mutual
Friends before they could start peddling some whoppers about me to anyone who would listen....

A double betrayal like that is a body blow. You will need to grieve the losses of the friendship you thought you had, and the marriage you thought you had...it's a process and it's bloody hard.

Surround yourself with those you know love you and that you can trust. Do things in you own time. And do not at any point start blaming yourself. There is something very screwed up about people that do this sort of stuff.

Rudgie47 · 22/01/2018 14:20

I wouldnt be paying for counselling.
At the end of the day he shagged her because he thought he could get away with it and he did for a long time. Shes no friend.Your husband hasnt got your back and is a horrid person.
Save your money for a solicitor and get rid of them both for good.

Teabagtits · 22/01/2018 14:20

Op I’m so sorry to hear all this came out in the space of such a short time. May I suggest buying a lottery ticket? With all that bad luck, you’re due something good to happen. I hope you ditch the friend and husband and move on to better things.

xXKXx · 22/01/2018 14:23

OP what did you say to her when she told you about what happened?

thecatfromjapan · 22/01/2018 14:25

I'm going to go against the flow.

I'd advise taking time to think about how you feel and what you want.
Then talking to a trained counsellor. If you decide to try and get through this together, see a good (really good, Tavistock good) counsellor together. If you decide to split, go on your own.

People have affairs for all sorts of reasons. They affect people/marriages in different ways. Only you, ultimately, can work out what you want and need now and in the future.

I'm only stating this because you might be one of the women who decides she wants the marriage to continue - and I wouldn't want you to feel bad if that's how you feel.

Equally, if you want to end it - it's your choice.

An important thing for you is that whatever you do, it should be your choice. By concealing the truth, your husband and your friend limited your autonomy, and your ability to make free choices. It's really important for you to feel and know that you have choices, you have power. You do.

I've known people recover their marriages from this. It took a lot of work and commitment. I've also known people to end their marriages and to be really happy. Both scenarios can work.

And lastly: you've had a really rough time. You're a good person, you don't deserve any of this. You're also a strong and loveable person, who will persist through this, bringing love to herself and those around her. In the short term, you do sound as though you could do with a bit of TLC, make sure you give it to yourself if you can't find anyone else to take care of you. Good luck.

DarthNigel · 22/01/2018 14:26

I would sooner have not needed the counselling. But I became anxious to the point of having panic attacks every time I had to do School run and see the woman involved. Anytime I had to go to my kids football matches (hers was on the same team as mine) etc etc.life became untenable for a while. I don't have close family. She was the closest thing I ever had to a sister type relationship.
Lots of people knew, including her husband, all along.
I became paranoid about who knew, who had it in for me, etc etc because I would have trusted her with my life and if I'd got it wrong about her, well then who else was I wrong about. Just an awful time...
Honestly her betrayal was worse to me than my exh's because she knew everything about me and I thought I knew everything about her-the lies she told and the support she let me provide for her all whilst she was sneaking about behind my back.Just shocking.
Bit op-you can And will get through this. But you will need the right support, I can't stress that enough.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 22/01/2018 14:26

I'm so sorry x
I don't know how you can go back from this - forgiving an affair is one thing but he chose to do this with your friend. To me, that would be the most unforgiveable part because it demonstrates such a total lack of care and consideration.
I don't think you can bin her and not him too.

Personally I would go home and make him leave - I think you would feel better if you were with your children, esp with all the other stuff going on.

expatinscotland · 22/01/2018 14:32

'Why just cut her off? He is the one who made vows to the op!!'

Are you for real? You really think a person should keep in touch with a so-called mate who fucked her husband?! Your standards are right down there with this pair of losers.

Get shot of them both, OP.

BluebellsareBlue · 22/01/2018 14:55

So sorry to hear this OP. I know exactly how you feel. I found out my best friend of 25 years, godmother/Auntie to her kids and she mine. I found out in 2013 but it has been going on for two years. ExDP had become strange and decided he needed space from me so got a flat but was still “with me”. I was a mess, going through a really tough time and I knew she was having an affair, she told me and used me as an excuse to her husband as to where she was, she would read out texts to me about how much he loved her and had never felt like this before, how she’d just had the best sex of her life etc. And then she dropped the bombshell. I don’t know how I coped initially, I tried to stay friends with her for a week or so, she WAS my sister, if not by blood but by heart. Then one day I said I couldn’t see her anymore because how could I ever have new year, Christmas excetera, and the both of them be together. I stopped answering the door and her calls. She told me that I made everything about me and she was sick of it... hello I’m now a single mum thanks to you ( not his child luckily)!!
Anyway they moved into a house literally up the road from me (absolute twunts) and got married last year.
It’s nearly 5 years down the line my hurt is gone, but it has been replaced by sheer anger that I didn’t feel at the time. It gets easier OP and I have a DP now and we are happy, but passing them in the cars still gives me the rage and I want to drive my car into them!!! I’m sending you love and you will get through this no matter what you decide to do but to mentally get through this you have to NC with her, then decide what you want to do with your ‘D’H.