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Original poster

His 50th party tonight....affair 10 years, should she spill the beans?

132 replies

Tequilamockingbirdturd · 02/09/2017 20:32

A female friend has been having a ten year affair with a guy who is celebrating his 50th birthday (he's the married one) at a hotel tonight.... she's feeling pretty shit, he's been very insensitive about it, and has really been messing her around over the years. What would you do if you was her tonight?

OP posts:
MadamePomfrey · 02/09/2017 22:32

I see then sorry to sound like a broken record she doesn't 'know' anything! She isn't him! She isn't in his head!!! She thinks he loves her! Maybe even hopes he loves her! But she can't know he does! I don't mean to jump on you op but if you want to help you friend this is the kind of thing she needs to know\realise! I do also know it's far harder to say this to someone involved and in real life than it is on here!!

Trollsbelonginthegutter · 02/09/2017 22:35

Sparklingbrook
I'm getting to that point tbh. But our friendship goes back 30 plus years. I don't want to jeopardise our friendship, I've told her numerous times ..she's worth more than he's giving her etc and deserves a complete relationship, I think she just doesn't trust men full stop. In our friendship circle of 10+ over the last 20 years everyone has become single due to at least one party cheating. And of the ones that are currently in relationships none are happy. In her head it's been a meaningful relationship.

GoldenOrb · 02/09/2017 22:38

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Sparklingbrook · 02/09/2017 22:39

You aren't jeopardising the friendship, she is. If the friendship didn't last (and let's face it you have put up with this nonsense for a decade) it would be her fault.

Presumably for the first 20 years of your friendship things were ok.

Tell her you have had enough.

Trollsbelonginthegutter · 02/09/2017 22:40

Thanks for all your thoughts on this, I know MN isn't the same as real life and I've been on posts where I've wanted to shout "get a grip" I know how emotive vipers get on here. I will post a new thread with any developments if any at all!! Thanks

Rach5l · 02/09/2017 22:41

I associated with him about 9 years ago, on a couple of nights out he came along. I've not seen him since then

HmmHmmHmm huh? You said you'd been on holidays together. And that you 100% know he loves her HmmHmmHmm

Maybe try telling the truth for once??

Allthebestnamesareused · 02/09/2017 22:43

It's obviously you that is the 'friend'/mistress.

He will not leave.

He is still sleeping with his wife.

He won't leave when the kids are older either.

Sparklingbrook · 02/09/2017 22:43

When the OP namechanges mid thread it makes it harder to follow.

thecatfromjapan · 02/09/2017 22:45

Your circle sounds unusual. Very few of my friends have become single through a partner cheating. A lot of my friends are in relationships that have experienced stress and periods of unhappiness - I think that's to be expected really - but the good tends to outweigh the bad.

I wonder if it's a self-fulfilling prophesy? Because of her own situation over the last 10 years, she's become distanced from people with less dysnfunctional relationships? Perhaps people feel more comfortable telling her about the crap things they're feeling/experiencing than about the good stuff (wither because they know they can off-load the bad stuff safely with her or because they feel telling ehr the good stuff will be insensitive)?

Also, I suspect that some people will have drifted away from her because of frustration.

So I'm saying that there is a bigger world out there, where people do have honest, supportive relationships. Sure, they're not a fairytale all the time but they ae a good sight better than the one she's choosing now.

Rach5l · 02/09/2017 22:48

I've met him and we have been on holiday and evenings out

MadamePomfrey · 02/09/2017 22:51

In our friendship circle of 10+ over the last 20 years everyone has become single due to at least one party cheating

That's a lot of cheats!! I very surprised people who have been cheated on are ok with your friend! Having personal experience there is no way I could stay friends with a cheat if you know someone is in a relationship you are wrong!!

Trollsbelonginthegutter · 02/09/2017 22:52

Ffs..... I am not the other woman!!!
We had a few weekends away in the early days, I was seeing a guy back then and they joined us a few times, I've probably seen him about 6 times in total. About me....I am divorced and I have chosen to stay very single for the last two years, I have huge trust issues myself tbh. I wouldn't enter into a new relationship unless it feels 100% right and hardly go out, I have two children and work full time my kids father works abroad I don't have any family support as they live away...... I don't have time to shit most of the time!!! My friend and I married at the same time and divorced within a year or so of each other we have got each other through really tough times !!

Crumbs1 · 02/09/2017 22:53

Sorry, the other woman sounds like it is you.
If you've been willing to be 'the other woman' like a mug for 10 years why would you expect anything to change. You have been used for 10 years as a sex toy. If you knew he was married, you were complicit from the outset and have no right to feel aggrieved. If you didn't know initially, you were naive and should have dropped him as soon as you found out.
You have no claim. Walk away now. He isn't going to leave his wife, his children and his money. His wife probably knows already. He certainly doesn't want a happy ever after with his mistress.

thecatfromjapan · 02/09/2017 23:02

You sound in a better place than your friend. I can see why you've been there for her. And I can see why you feel loyal to her. But I think it would be good for the both of you to disentangle a bit. A previous poster suggested asking her not to tell you about the relationship any more. Is that a possibility?

Rach5l · 02/09/2017 23:07

Ffs..... I am not the other woman!!!

Although the exact same situation happened to you...

15MinutesWithYou · 02/09/2017 23:14

I don't think it's as black and white as that he doesn't love her and she's a sex toy. He's a bad and selfish man though, whatever else is true, that alone is and for that reason she should stop this now. He won't leave. I'm sure he's pretty unhappy with his wife because he's clearly an unhappy and emotionally and morally bankrupt person. Your friend doesn't need that on her plate full time.

As for his wife- I do think someone should give her a heads up tbh.

backtoworkhiho · 02/09/2017 23:25

She shouldn't do anything other than maybe text him and break off their ten year affair

No Jeremy Kyle humiliation though. She's hardly innocent

Trollsbelonginthegutter · 02/09/2017 23:27

Thecatfromjapan

I think I've got immune to hearing about it tbh. And it's not like all our conversations are about him, it's usually me asking if she's seen him lately, I could refrain from bringing up the subject definitely so yes that's a start. I'm going to suggest she gets some counselling.

Emmageddon · 02/09/2017 23:31

If some woman had been having a long-term affair with my husband, and expecting him to leave me for her once the DC had left home, I would be livid that no-one had given me the heads up in all that time. I would have wanted to get all my ducks in a row, and kick the bastard out on his ear.

I bet there are plenty of people at the party tonight, who all know the man is having an affair, and will secretly be pitying the wife for being at his side, oblivious to the fact her DH is a disloyal, disrespectful cheat.

MadamePomfrey · 02/09/2017 23:39

Just to be clear I'm not saying you are her at the beginning of the thread I thought it could be the case, but you have said you are not I believe you! I just wonder in the circumstances/personal experiences of other friends if they feel the same as you! Maybe a united front would be more effective! I'm sure others in your group feel it is bad for her/not ok but maybe keep quiet for the sake of the group if you all came from the same place maybe it would be more effective! Or all just disengage completely on this topic! I know it's not a good idea to isolate her but maybe if her friendship group disengage/stop support on this issue alone would be a way of shocking her into seeing its wrong and unhealthy for her!

Trollsbelonginthegutter · 02/09/2017 23:44

She's just text me, she didn't drive the 60 mile round trip to crash the party, instead she got drunk at her neighbours bbq

Trollsbelonginthegutter · 02/09/2017 23:46

The others in our mutual friendship group dont know, she only told me as we go way back to uni

Trollsbelonginthegutter · 02/09/2017 23:52

I agree we have both had very similar lives in many ways and similar events, like I said earlier I've been both sides of the fence of an affair, I know how you can get sucked in, I got out very quickly. We have very different personalities, I don't take shit from anyone I'm very black and white with stuff. She's more whimsical and in a dream world I suppose

Gemini69 · 03/09/2017 00:12

this Man is living the life huh... two woman.. one for all the home cooked meals fresh laundry bla bla bla... the other for dirty weekends here and there on company expenses...

more fool the Mistress.. but his poor wife Confused good lord.. Flowers

Quietwhenreading · 03/09/2017 00:14

Love is shown in actions not words.

He lives with his wife.
He hasn't left his wife and he's had 10 years to do it.
He's "not happy" with his wife but has let her arrange an elaborate party for him with all their friends and family.

It's not love. It's just sex.

And if he has such a casual and callous attitude to those he has sex with then yes, in all probability he is also sleeping with his wife. And possibly the odd one night stand too.

It's not love.

If she exposes him, she'll be publically humiliated, risk losing everything.

She'll lose him too. He'll hate her. His kids will hate her. His family will hate her.

She needs to end it.

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