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Original poster

His 50th party tonight....affair 10 years, should she spill the beans?

132 replies

Tequilamockingbirdturd · 02/09/2017 20:32

A female friend has been having a ten year affair with a guy who is celebrating his 50th birthday (he's the married one) at a hotel tonight.... she's feeling pretty shit, he's been very insensitive about it, and has really been messing her around over the years. What would you do if you was her tonight?

OP posts:
Ecureuil · 02/09/2017 21:04

How to get her to see sense? Tell her she's being a massive twat and to get some self respect.

thecatfromjapan · 02/09/2017 21:05

I don't think you can make her see sense. My suspicion is that the affair, for her, has some similarities with addictive, self-harming behaviours, in that there are other issues. Calling such self-immolating behaviour "love" means she doesn't have to think about it too much - and you feel like you're banging your head against a brick wall.

GriefLeavesItsMark · 02/09/2017 21:05

Tell her to totally go for it! In fact, why not turn up wearing a tattered wedding dress off ebay, clutching a bunch of wilted flowers and singing ' it shoulda been me!'.

That should get her message across.

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Relationship problems
ivykaty44 · 02/09/2017 21:08

he isn't going to leave as once the dc leave then he'll find another "reason"

Original poster
Tequilamockingbirdturd · 02/09/2017 21:09

I think cos she had a shitty divorce and her ex had affairs, this type of fling feels more honest in a crazy way.... she knows the score and sort of accepts it, I have in the past said to her "don't you think your worth more than what he's giving you"?

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 02/09/2017 21:11

If I was her I would dump him and go and find someone before I wasted the next ten years of my life.

MadMags · 02/09/2017 21:11

If she accepts it, why is she bothered by sitting at home while the man she loves (vom) has a party?!

Goingtobeawesome · 02/09/2017 21:12

Does she seriously think she should be at the party?

Fucks sake. She's shagging someone else's husband and I don't buy the crap that the OW hasn't betrayed the wife as she didn't make vows to her. They are both humans and she has betrayed the code of being a decent person.

She you needs to get her head out of feelingsorryforherselfville and grow the fuck up.

Tequilamockinbird · 02/09/2017 21:12

Nice name OP Hmm

Oh, and she should LTB forthwith.

sleeponeday · 02/09/2017 21:14

He's not being insensitive. He's being honest. She's just his bit on the side or he would have left his wife long ago. If this upsets her so badly then she needs to use that anger and hurt as fuel to get out and find a man worth having. This one is nobody's prize.

The problem is that after a decade of this she's got the sunk costs fallacy working against her. She's not going to want to admit she's wasted a decade of her life being his little fantasy escape from domesticity - she wants to pretend she's his great passion. Sadly, nothing you say is likely to convince her. She's lumbered with the creep unless his wife finds out and bins him off. And there's no guarantee at all that she would do that, either.

I don't feel remotely sorry for her, to be honest. She made her choices, knowing what agonies they could cause young kids if they were found out. She has no grounds to whine now some of the hurt is her own.

Original poster
Tequilamockingbirdturd · 02/09/2017 21:17

Thecatfromjapan

I think your pretty close to the mark.
I think in her head she's still hurt from her divorce, and from her experience if you fall in love in the traditional way you open yourself up to the exposure of massive hurt, you become vulnerable. Think she sort of accepts the boundaries of an affair with the fact she knows he genuinely loves her, I 100% knows he does. But it sort of grates on me when she feels times such as christmases and birthdays, he attended her 40th 7years ago thou. I know it's all effed up but his can I get her to call it a day?

OP posts:
diddl · 02/09/2017 21:18

She's feeling shit-she should be!

"Hasn't the balls to leave"

Doesn't that really mean "doesn't" want to leave?

If you're callous enough to screw a married man for 10yrs, I doubt him celebrating a birthday with his family really bothers you.

I'm sure they'll have had or will have their own celebration!

KitKat1985 · 02/09/2017 21:19

I'm not really sure what your friend expects him to do? It's not like she could ever really go to the party is it?

I honestly feel much more sorry for this bloke's wife. I can't even begin to imagine how fucking devastated I'd be if I found out my DH had been having an affair and lying to me for a decade. She should be fucking ashamed of herself. And the 'I'm staying with my wife for the sake of the kids line' is such a cliche and I'm amazed she can't see through it.

MadamePomfrey · 02/09/2017 21:22

You can't make someone see sense! Especially when I think part of you believes his bullshit!! If you want to be a good friend all you can do is 1) stop believing the lies and 2) be honest with her (not as honest as here I get) but stop feeding the lies! Truth is lots of men take the hit and leave their wives/children for other women if he wanted to he could/would. He doesn't!
Be honest and firm on the issue point out that someone who claims to have feelings for you wouldn't behave like this! That the main reason she's not ready for a relationship is because she's in one with a arsehole that will never treat her right! Be honest and firm and when as I suspect she still won't listen stop engaging! She's made her bed she has to lay in it!! While people enable the belief one day there will be a happy ending it only prolongs it for everyone!

Floralnomad · 02/09/2017 21:22

Of course he attended her 40th , he can meet her family and friends and do all the stuff that couples do , it can't be reciprocated because he has a wife . If she can't tell the difference then she's not only deluded but thick .

Ecureuil · 02/09/2017 21:24

If she's so happy with the relationship, why is she considering spilling the beans at his party, and therefore ending it?
I seriously can't get my head round this. He's been cheating on his wife for 10 years. She's been knowingly having an affair with a married men. Yet she thinks the suitable response to him saying some things she doesn't like in regards to a party is to go and cause his family and friends untold hurt and humiliation?

MadamePomfrey · 02/09/2017 21:25

I 100% knows he does.

Unless your him you can't know that!!! If you asked his wife/her friends/family all there tonight celebrating his birthday I'm sure they would say the same! If he loved her he would either leave her or his wife! While you hold these views you can't help your friend the way she needs!

thecatfromjapan · 02/09/2017 21:25

Hmm. It's not the 'done thing' to have a username so close to another poster (and a recognisable poster, at that). I'm afraid I'm going to give you a Hmm for that.

Thinking about it: if you really, really want to help her stop this, a bit of tough love might be called for. That might entail breaking out of any co-dependent behaviours you have developed during your friendship. It might mean refusing to collude with the narrative she is telling herself to allow this to continue.

Explaining that, yes, indeed, she is rather like Miss Haversham (google an image, have a look at the Carol Anne Duffy poem), rather than a sad, romantic victim, might indeed do the trick. It might, however, end the friendship.

It depends on how desperate you think the situation is. Usually, I'd say back off but be there for support for when it crashes down. However ... 10 years is a long waste of a life. And it's a long time to enable someone to perpetrate an emotional and intimate fraud on those closest to them.

Original poster
Tequilamockingbirdturd · 02/09/2017 21:26

Well thanks all for all the constructive thoughts and ideas, I will try again to make her see sense. In the past when I've tried I've sort of had my head bit off. So I don't know what else to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tequilamockingbirdturd · 02/09/2017 21:28

Regarding my username I wasn't aware it was an existing one, I've used this name for over ten years but I've only on mumsnet for about 8 months. I will happily change it if it is causing offence or an issue??

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 02/09/2017 21:29

good lord.. 10 years Confused I literally coughed when I saw that ?!

what a disgusting pair Hmm

thecatfromjapan · 02/09/2017 21:31

Seriously, if you are posting here, I am guessing you're reaching the end of your tether. Which is OK: you're human. Might be worth warning her that it's putting a strain on your friendship, though.

thecatfromjapan · 02/09/2017 21:32

It's hard with MN. A lot of the great usernames are taken.

I happily posted with 2 and had to relinquish them because they were too close to people who'd had them longer.

One of them I really, really miss ...

MadamePomfrey · 02/09/2017 21:35

By all means try one last time but if not disengage! Be there for her in all othe aspects of life but when she talks about this just repeatedly say you know my thoughts on the matter I'm not going to talk about it anymore!

Original poster
Tequilamockingbirdturd · 02/09/2017 21:37

The situation makes me cross cos he clearly picks her up and puts her down when it suits him and to fit in with his life. Even though I do know he clearly loves her. I could count gazillion times I've wanted to shake her and even expose the relationship myself to hopefully bring it to an end for everyone's sake, but that wouldn't help my friendship. She has been an amazing friend to me over the years.

OP posts:
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