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Original poster

His 50th party tonight....affair 10 years, should she spill the beans?

132 replies

Tequilamockingbirdturd · 02/09/2017 20:32

A female friend has been having a ten year affair with a guy who is celebrating his 50th birthday (he's the married one) at a hotel tonight.... she's feeling pretty shit, he's been very insensitive about it, and has really been messing her around over the years. What would you do if you was her tonight?

OP posts:
Agerbilatemycardigan · 02/09/2017 21:39

If someone can lie and cheat for 10 years, I think that tells you everything you need to know about both of them. They're both utter cunts!

Sparklingbrook · 02/09/2017 21:40

She's wasted 10 years already. Has she got children?

Agerbilatemycardigan · 02/09/2017 21:43

OP. He. Does .Not. Love. Her.

The things he does love;

The boost to his own sad ego

Dangling 2 women on a string

Having the best of both worlds

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MadamePomfrey · 02/09/2017 21:44

The situation makes me cross cos he clearly picks her up and puts her down when it suits him and to fit in with his life.

Even though I do know he clearly loves her

These two statements do not match at all!! you don't treat people you love like this!!

MadamePomfrey · 02/09/2017 21:45

Sorry posted to soon

Before you speak to your friend you need to get to grips with the situation otherwise you are no help to her!!

Justmuddlingalong · 02/09/2017 21:50

It sounds like she's hanging on. She doesn't want to feel that she's wasted 10 years for nothing. So she wastes more years to justify it.

theredjellybean · 02/09/2017 21:52

I can emphasise with your friend. Mn can be very vitriolic about how despicable women having affairs are, forgetting that behind the actions is just someone hurting. And yes it hurts like hell that the person you love is seemingly happy in his other life. I do not think he loves her very much, he does not care enough to be discrete about his party. He must know how she is feeling, and he can't be bothered to be sensitive to that.

She knows this too
She knows she is bottom of the pile and unimportant to him
You cannot make her see that, she knows.. But to admit that to you, is admitting she has wasted all those years. And it's humiliating...

So all you can do, as a good friend, is be there, distract her on the night of the party, and advice she takes deep breath and thinks about what she does afterwards

To do anything at the party will end with her embarrassed.. He will call her crazy and throw her under the bus infront of all

Emmageddon · 02/09/2017 21:59

Tell your friend to use tonight in a proactive way, instead of sitting plotting revenge and wallowing in self-pity - assuming the party is tonight? Delete his number, block his email, block him on all social media platforms, and resolve to have nothing more to do with him again.

Help her set up a witty, warm online dating profile, with a few flattering photographs, lend her the money for the subscription fee, if she's skint, and tell her to go on 3 dates per week for the next month. You never know, out of 12 guys, one might just be perfect for her.

AcrossthePond55 · 02/09/2017 22:01

Ten years? Well, tell her to 'enjoy' the next five with her MM because that's when he'll be turning her in for a 'younger model'.

What a fool. That's ten years she could have been looking for and finding a man who was free to love her and make a life for her.

As far as convincing her, save your breath she already knows. That's why she's feeling vindictive enough to ruin the life of an innocent woman (and children).

I do have a question, if you don't mind. Why do you associate with this man? I know she's your friend, but if you feel that infidelity is wrong why countenance it by treating their relationship as if it's OK?

Trollsbelonginthegutter · 02/09/2017 22:06

She's not the sort of person to go to the party, she's quite shy. But I'm going to have another conversation with her about it. She has a grown up family of her own and she's focusing on them most of the time and this distracts her. When she explains why she's still in the relationship I sort of see from her point of view why it works for her. I'm a firm believer that it's the person that has something to lose that shouldn't enter into this type of relationship.... I know he chased her quite a while before she agreed to meet up with him. I don't defend her though and her morales should have kicked in a long time ago. He definitely recognised she was lonely and chipped away at her.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 02/09/2017 22:08

Does she actually believe he will leave his wife for her? Does she want him to?

Trollsbelonginthegutter · 02/09/2017 22:09

I associated with him about 9 years ago, on a couple of nights out he came along. I've not seen him since then. My loyalty is to my friend fullstop.!!!

AlternativeTentacle · 02/09/2017 22:13

weird name change fail there.

MadamePomfrey · 02/09/2017 22:14

My loyalty is to my friend fullstop.!!!

Stop saying he loves her then! He doesn't! Her understanding this is the first step to her ending things and moving on!

Trollsbelonginthegutter · 02/09/2017 22:14

She's knows they love each other and she to be quite honest understands his love for his kids. And unselfishly (stupid to the rest of us) puts him first and accepted it. She said she had hoped he had managed to sort out leaving his wife by now, he tells her how his wife is really money motivated. But he hasn't done anything about it.

badbadhusky · 02/09/2017 22:18

What significance is his birthday?

Sounds like someone spoiling for a proper Eastenders-style showdown - humiliate him in front of friends & family, show him up as a shitty adulterer, blah, blah, blah. Problem is that there will be a lot of collateral damage - wife, probably kids, older parents who may be struggling with ill health etc. It's a really shitty thing to do. You knew what you were doing getting involved with a married man, a horribly selfish thing to do. Truth is, you are equally culpable. So, stay at home, keep your trap shut and find a more dignified way to separate from this man.

MadamePomfrey · 02/09/2017 22:19

She's knows they love each other and she to be quite honest understands his love for his kids

Are you talking about the arsehole and his wife or the arsehole and your friend?

skyzumarubble · 02/09/2017 22:23

Leave her to her own mess.

Trollsbelonginthegutter · 02/09/2017 22:25

I'm seeing her tomorrow so I will discuss it with her again. He has booked for them to go away in a few weeks. They do go abroad together for his work a few days each month. I wish I knew a way to make her see sense, It has exhausted me at times tbh

Gemini69 · 02/09/2017 22:25

I'm stunned someone would wait 10 long lonely years for a man to leave his family... 10 whole entire years... this is so awful....

thecatfromjapan · 02/09/2017 22:25

You need to stop repeating the false narrative to her.

I'm sorry but I don't think he is behaving in a loving way. I think you're buying into it by saying things like: "I know he loves her." When she says that, you need to say: "But what he's doing isn't loving."

10 years is such a long time. If she'd put all that effort and time into, say, learning the piano instead of this man, she'd be pretty good by now.

Trollsbelonginthegutter · 02/09/2017 22:26

Madamepof

I was talking about my friend and the arsehole

Sparklingbrook · 02/09/2017 22:28

I'm seeing her tomorrow so I will discuss it with her again

If I were you I would refuse to discuss it at all. After 10 years I would be sick of it and refuse to engage with her about it TBH.

Floralnomad · 02/09/2017 22:29

If you have not seen them as a couple for 9 yrs then you can have no comprehension of his feelings other than what she has told you , and that will be warped by what she what's to believe .

thecatfromjapan · 02/09/2017 22:29

I also think it is not OK that you are giving her the emotional support that a partner would. That's why you're exhausted. That's something else that is slightly dishonest. Emotional support isn;t something with no cost. It's costing you.

And that's why I think your relationship with your friend is a bit co-dependent. Your emotional support helps prop it up and disguise what she's not getting from the relationship with this man.

I guess another question would be: what are you getting out of it? I'm guessing you're beginning to question that a little yourself, however much of a supportive friend she has been to you in the past.

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