Please help me settle this debate!?

[anon1987]

5 years ago when on holiday with my family and in laws, my partner got a panic attack so I had to take over driving one of the cars.

I was heavily pregnant and had barely driven since taking my test.
In tow I had my 2 daughters and my MIL.

We were following my FIL with my partner as a passenger in his car.

To get to the car park it involved driving up a very (and I mean very!) steep hill, (mountainous area.)

I approached the hill in 2nd gear and realised that the car wasn't going to make it when I was already half way up.
The car started to roll backwards, so I slammed my foot on the break repetitively but they just wouldn't work!
In the end as a split second last minute decision I pulled the hand break and we slid fast in a curve landing just an inch short of the cliff edge.
If it wasn't for a huge rock stopping the car, then we would have gone over.

My MIL opened the door then slammed it on her leg and then got out of the car and fell over, all whilst I was sat there in shock and trying to comfort my little girls.
My MIL fractured her leg.

I have always been blamed for that fracture despite there being 2 reasons why she would have fractured it (slamming her leg and falling over).

Secondly my MIL weighs over 25 stone, now this isn't meant to offend bigger ladies, but I blame the fact the car wouldn't stop on a combination of MILS weight and seriously steep hill. Yet my dp family say I'm stupid because I obviously didn't bother to break?!?!!
My MIL saw me frantically breaking!!
Yet she says nothing.

Who is to blame here? I need to settle this argument, because my dp mentioned it again this evening and it annoyed the hell out me.

What was at the top of the hill that you had to get up there?

I would honestly blame my DP in this situation. Not in a shouty pointy way but if he dared to say it was my fault I'd make it clear that it was a highly stressful drive that I was not prepared for -- only just passed test, no warning of needing to do it, partner having a panic attack, travelling in convoy, driving MIL, driving next to a cliff edge, being faced with incredible steep hill. All things can increase stress and make it incredibly dangerous to drive for a beginner.

Yes you probably didn't drive appropriately and honestly in that situation I'm not surprised at all and I'd tell anyone to get fucked who would want to make light or poke fun or blame you for something where you very nearly died.

I would also expect you to take some responsibility and say that you did the very best you did considering the circumstances. Not that it was impossible to do well as your MIL was so fat.

As a family you have to admit and accept that you all contributed to this situation. Your DP shifting the blame onto you and in turn you blaming your MIL's weight is toxic. Seems like your DP is keen to hang you to dry over this incident as deep down he knows his panic attack was the trigger and he can't acknowledge that

I agree with Fishface here and l say this as someone who has suffered her share of panic attacks. He has some cheek commenting on this now. Say to him as suggested..why was l driving?
I think after 5 years ye should all be well over this annnd l wouldnt try to defend myself again. None of us know how we would react in an emergency but your dh is completely bonkers raising it as he is ultimately responsible.

I would very calmly say:-

"I have told you what happened many times. I have told you over and over that I did apply the brakes. For whatever reason you choose not to believe me which is your perogative. However, I find it incredibly hurtful that you find it funny to keep on and on bringing up what was the most terrifying experience of my entire life and treating it as a joke. If you ever - and I mean ever - joke about it and me being an incompetent driver again - then I will take you at your word. And I will never - and I mean never - drive you anywhere ever again. Not if you want a drink for your 40th birthday, not if we are on a long journey and you want to share the driving and not if you have another panic attack. As I said - it is not funny - I have now told you it is hurtful and if you ever say it again then what I will hear is "I like making you feel small and hurting you - it makes me feel good.""

Thanks everyone
My dp can be a bit of a knob head when it comes to sympathy or just plain listening to someone. I just think if he mentions it again, I'll say what the poster below me said, and from then on (if mentioned again) I'm just going to change the subject point blank.
The trouble is, any reminder of the event gives me the chills.

For the poster who asked what was at the top, it was a car park to a cable cart ride, which was probably just as terrifying surprised I didn't go into early labour that day!?

I think what happened was that he car just lost its grip.

One good thing about the event, was that my FIL and Dp tried to lift the car off the rock with no luck, and then as if sent by God 2 really hunky Italian looking men walked up and offered help, and managed to lift it clean off, as though it was a pillow 😂

So I always cheekily remind my dp who actually came to the rescue, which of course makes me feel better

Whatever they thought of your driving, you climbed that hill on the second attempt. And they got in the car with you (minus MIL). So, what was it?

It's very easy to misjudge things when you're not used to them.
I know that in that situation an experienced driver should have explained to you how best to approach the climb.
Another factor might have been that you were following him. If you were fairly close to him you might not have picked up enough speed to climb it in 2nd gear.

Those experienced drivers should have understood what happened and helped you gain experience. Not put you down.
You did the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time.