A Nanny's Love

[UnicornsAreReal666]

Ok to cut a long story short. Me and DP have 3 DD. When we had our first DD my DM was quite hands on with her used to take her places, have her stay over a few days (yes i understand 1 is easier than 3) but even by her own admission she used to do it to battle her depression and loneliness.

Forward a few years later and she never sees her GC, never has them. She now has found herself a 'very well of man' (with his own DS). I almost have to beg every 6months or so for her to help me by taking them all for 1 night or even a few hours.
Thats been the last 5 years or so 😭.

So here we are half term, I put my back out on Sunday night, I couldn't move for 3 days, I have irregular bleeding and have been bleeding now since the 20th of last month, this is also making me feel quite (blegh), again ive had to beg her to take them. But she is only taking 2 again (2 eldest), her specific words were "Yes, I will pick them both up this afternoon" Both?? There is 3? Oh mum please!!!
My DP suggested I should be messaging her back, " Great! See you then, DD is much better now so she could come too" (Youngest DD had a cold for a few days)...
I myself am a coward!!

More recently its been for my DDs more than I, they have bombarded me with questions "why doesn't she spend time with us anymore?" "why is her DP DS there every week and were not?"

WWYD, what could I message back?

Please be gentle, I know its not her duty but I've been quite ill recently I thought she may have thought a little more.

When I was 8m pregnant I walked nearly 3 miles to get everyday because she had a major operation and needed help and support and she felt lonely tbh, but I did it no questions asked, because I love her xx

To her* everyday

If you are unwell why isn't your dp stepping up?

Her DP DS stays with them every Saturday without fail, he is 17

He has done a lot but has to work also

Well a 17 yo doesn't need looking after and she doesn't have to have you children. How old are the older two?

Also as I stated its not about me anymore, its affecting my DDs.

8 and 4. I never said she had to look after them

Its not just about having them too. She never bothers to see them anymore, unless she has to be over my way

I wouldn't beg. If she doesn't want to see them her loss.

You are going to have to find other childcare arrangements. It's a pain in the arse but you can't rely on her.

What would you do if she lived in another country? You need a back up plan.

If it's for the kids' benefit then later, when you are better, ask her along to things (days out, lunch at yours) rather than to babysit. Asking her to babysit only, especially overnight, must be a bit annoying.

However if you need help now due to being injured it's unfair of her not to help you if you walked 3 miles per day to help her out after her op... Why does she have to have them overnight though when you have a DH?

I know my parents couldn't manage my 3 - tbh only now would I never them with them, and that's because in a lot of ways my eldest would be in charge... My in laws used to ask for the kids to stay over and used to be able to manage all 3 sometimes (they were very fit and active until a few months ago when MIL became ill) but even they sometimes couldn't manage both my boys at once and would have DD and one DS then the other DS another time at some ages. Perhaps your mum really couldn't trust herself with all 3.

*only now they are a bit older would I leave them with them - is what I meant, phone ate half the sentence

Yes a 17 year old staying over is absolutely and totally different to 3 children under 10, blatantly obviously :o

The situation with the ds is nothing to do with your relationship with your dm. Of course he should spend time with his own father. This is not the issue - your mum is the issue.

My dm has always seen me as very strong and capable. She loves her gc without question. It would never occur to her that perhaps I might need some support. Never. Even on the very few occasions when I have asked. And been refused because she has something else on. In fact she has had me eldest over night once, the night I had my second dc.

So I never ask so that I am never disappointed. I take the gc to see her every few weeks. They have a lovely time. That's as far as it goes as my mum shows zero interest in me. I've accepted it and made peace with it.

It is a rubbish situation you find yourself in but one that is all too common. So the best thing you can do is to redraw the boundary and your expectations. Ask your mum how frequently she would like to see her gc and go from there. But on your terms.

I have to add, maybe mother isn't so comfortable being grandmother when her new fella is still at the late teen patenting stage. Just a thought.

I do hope your back gets better very, very soon and that your DP can take the pressure off over the weekend

I definitely need a back up plan, and yes it would have to be paid childcare as mum is the only person we have here, same with her though we are always there at a click of her fingers, which is a lot!

I only ask her to have them because when I lve told her ive been ill in the past, she asks "why didn't I call, she would have had them?" We've tried that several times.
She tells all of her facebook friends she sees her GC every week takes pictures and posts them straight up, acting the doting nanny, but they hardly see her, the rest of the photos she gets from me via email etc.

I dont ask her to babysit all the time, we have taken her on family outings before sometimes spending over £40 for her entry (not an issue).

Now she doesn't want to do anything with us.
If she couldn't handle them all she would tell me straight, she told me last time how easy they all were and that they had a great time, after the first initial cry from baby. My eldest DD does normally 'take over/help out' when she is there. Even to the point she has to change a nappy when she was 5, my DD told me it was because nanny said she was too tired (there was just 2 then).

I dont ask her to have them all the time I ask her once every 5/6 months!

Great advice, finola

I have in the past asked her how often she wanted to have/see them. We came up with an arrangement she said once a fortnight, that she didn't stick to, so we changed it to once a month. That was over a year ago xx

Yes 17YO os definitely obviously easier, he just sits on his phone all weekend.

My mum put my DDs in a back room whilst she gets on with her DP and his DS.

Though I did mention this to her and she does spend time with them when they are there now.

She was never comfortable being a mother tbh.

It is difficult Unicorns - we don't have any help any more since poor MAIL became very ill very quickly. We live an hour from the in laws but they used to have the kids overnight a couple of times in the summer holidays and sometimes in other holidays, and we'd see them all together for family birthdays etc. Now we visit MIL in hospital where she's been since Christmas :( The older two understand and are sad, youngest thinks she'll get better and they'll be able to go and stay overnight again and he'll sleep in MIL's bed and she'll make him enough toast and jam to feed an army at 6am again... (It won't happen, she won't get better, she'll need a carer if she does come home).

I think you know you can't really rely on your mum in a crisis - do you have a friend who could come over and help with the baby while your older two are with your mum?

Why are you bleeding, have you had that checked out properly?

Well Unicorns as hard as it may be, you have just hit the nail on the head with your post at 11:25.

Oh and that running around after her when she clicks her fingers - that stops right now. And I will tell you why...my mum needed me to be independent and capable from such a young age because she spent her whole life running around after others. Especially her step mum.

I had no choice but to be capable. Emotionally and practically from a very young age. There was no time and space for nurturing.

Learn to say no.

So sorry to hear about your MIL.
Must be so hard for little ones to understand.

My eldest comes home a lot on the weekends talking about how her friends are staying at their GPs for the weekend or their taking them away on holidays etc. (I know it not a duty), but this hurts me to think she is hurting.
She once said she doesn't see Nanny anymore? I relayed this to mum her answer was "she knows where I am" she was 7??? .

It's almost the same with my friend ive been abandoned haha, ive done a lot of favours for her in the past regarding her children etc, bit when I ask (very rarely) I get questioned or a no.
I was supposed to be looking after her children whilst she did her driving lesson but couldn't as I put my back out, she didn't speak to me for 2 days!

I just think I live in a lot of hope .

I will make an appointment to see my GP x

I personally would concentrate on your dc and not her calls for attention from now on. . Any relationship is meant to be a two way street and yours and hers clearly isn't. Time to realise that and move on. I am nc with both my parents after years of picking and choose when they were gps. . It was affecting my dc so I stopped contact. .

My mum was similar finola I bought my brother up for the first 2 years of his life, I was 2 😢

We had a few violent outbursts from her when we were young

Thank you wish. That has been on the forefront of my mind for a while now ☹

When you have one child people are much happier to help.

Asking someone to take 3 is a much bigger deal.