A Nanny's Love

[UnicornsAreReal666]

Ok to cut a long story short. Me and DP have 3 DD. When we had our first DD my DM was quite hands on with her used to take her places, have her stay over a few days (yes i understand 1 is easier than 3) but even by her own admission she used to do it to battle her depression and loneliness.

Forward a few years later and she never sees her GC, never has them. She now has found herself a 'very well of man' (with his own DS). I almost have to beg every 6months or so for her to help me by taking them all for 1 night or even a few hours.
Thats been the last 5 years or so 😭.

So here we are half term, I put my back out on Sunday night, I couldn't move for 3 days, I have irregular bleeding and have been bleeding now since the 20th of last month, this is also making me feel quite (blegh), again ive had to beg her to take them. But she is only taking 2 again (2 eldest), her specific words were "Yes, I will pick them both up this afternoon" Both?? There is 3? Oh mum please!!!
My DP suggested I should be messaging her back, " Great! See you then, DD is much better now so she could come too" (Youngest DD had a cold for a few days)...
I myself am a coward!!

More recently its been for my DDs more than I, they have bombarded me with questions "why doesn't she spend time with us anymore?" "why is her DP DS there every week and were not?"

WWYD, what could I message back?

Please be gentle, I know its not her duty but I've been quite ill recently I thought she may have thought a little more.

When I was 8m pregnant I walked nearly 3 miles to get everyday because she had a major operation and needed help and support and she felt lonely tbh, but I did it no questions asked, because I love her xx

There is a very good book called "The Emotionally Absent Mother" by Jasmin Lee Cori. I, and some of my friends, have found it very useful.

It is also very common for memories and feelings to surface once we become mothers ourselves. For me, particularly so when I had my dd. I developed a desperate need to not repeat history.

From what you have said, some time away from your mum might be a very good thing.

Agree, why are you so confused by her reluctance when you know she wasn't comfortable being a mum??

It sucks and I will get flamed but having 3 dc is too many to ship off. We have no help, I don't mean a couple of hours away but none in this country so we thought hard about going for dc2 as it is literally only dh and I. Dd1 came to hospital while I gave birth to dd2.

Stop doing things for her. If she doesn't want to see her GC that is her choice. And you and your dc will just have to accept it.

But I personally will never understand how if family can help out they don't so you do have my sympathies.

Doesn't matter how many times a year you ask her, if she felt tired with 2, she's probably not going to want 3 at the same time! Tbh, if you are concerned about her relationship with all of the kids, suck it up and be grateful she's taking two at a time. Maybe she doesn't feel capable of running round after a little one any more, we all know how much work they can be on a good day! Schedule more time together when she's not actually responsible for them, and see if she can take one at a time for special nanny/gc outings or sleepovers. The kids would probably enjoy the undivided attention.
(And you are being unreasonable comparing yours to a 17 yr old, you must know this )

If she was violent and neglectful (putting them in a back room, not changing their nappies) why do you want her to have them? I know it's hard with little ones, I really do, but she doesn't sound like a good carer for them.

I guess you need to stop thinking of her as someone you can rely on, and just keep offering her occasional invitations to keep up contact with the kids. She does sound self absorbed. Stop running around for her, as Finola says.

What about your in laws?

Your DH is going to have to do more outside work hours while you are unwell, then when you are better you might want to work on building a better support network via baby groups with your youngest or MN local ora surestart centre and making sure any favours are reciprocated within a short time period - then you'll have friendships which are equal and respectful.

If you can afford childcare it might be worth sorting out a home help/ babysitter / child minder a few hours a week until you're well (or even long term, as once you have the back up you may be able to ask for more hours if you have back problems again)

Make that GP apt first though - the bleeding needs checking out. You may also be able to have an injection to help with the back pain.

Sorry your Mum is not a doting Gran. It's a shame for your DDs. Sounds like you need to stop asking her for help as it hurts to be rejected. Just ask your DM round for Sunday lunch twice a year - that way your DDs will get to see her and hopefully she will return the favour. Could you afford to use a nanny agency for overnight help occasionally so that you and your partner can go away and get a break?

At least your DM is happy and comfortably off by the sound of it. Lots of us have DMs who we have to look after - because they are old or unhappy or lonely or poor. That's not easy either.

Thank you for all your messages.

Yes definitely a dumb thing to compare 3ds to a 17 yo, but thats the view from my DD eyes, and thus she doesn't know any better.

I am definitely probably being too sensitive to this as I am feeling pretty crap, I'm always there for anyone.

I tried the baby clubs with my other 2 DDs and found them to be very cliquey.
Though saying that where we have moved to has a baby sing and rhyme that I take my 2 youngest DDs to and the mums seem lovely . Plus there is about 7/8 of us so small group too.

I wonder if there are any adopt a granny websites I joke to my DP. Who does his share and more when I'm ill or out of action, i feel for him sometimes as they have him going none-stop .

I think the holidays always make it feel worse as normally I have 2 days a week free with only youngest DS. As do most of us, and regarding the amount of children, I did have the implant but we still got caught. I wasn't planning on anymore for 5/6 years, but hey ho, wouldn't change it for the world!!

Yes she likes to tell me how much everything costs. Even when me and DP have been extremely down and out. Im glad she is finally supported in some way xx

www.granny-aupair.com/en

www.aupair-mom.com/

If you have a spare room then granny aupairs are a thing now

Wow 5more. Granny aupairs. That's such a good idea.

Thats great 5more, I'm sure we can convert the loft .

*Update mum is taking the eldest girls, and she is having them until Sunday! Her suggestion, not mine .

A very, very, very long hot bath will be in order, with no "Mummy I need a wee, DS is in the downstairs one!"
Or the one where they leave a nice smelly poo just before you jump in!

We don't have room for an aupair either unicorn, but you did say you wanted to adopt a granny :o

Do you trust her with the kids til Sunday? If so then that's great.

Have you booked the GP apt?

I wouldn't mind giving up my bedroom for one some weeks .

Yes, I trust her now, but only probably due to the fact that my DDs are older, and my eldest in particular has told me things that happened there, in the past when they've come home, which I have relayed to mum that I wasn't happy about, i.e the nappy changing. When they have been there the last 2 times she seemed to have spent more 'time' with them, plus she has the help of her DP.

Yes, i see the GP Monday morning 😞 x

Ive had a lot of moments lately where ive said to myself and my DP that I will not be the mother she was, and still is now, as long as I can be I will be there for my DDs, I just absent mindedly think everyone else should be the same. Though in a way concentrating on my needs for a break in the past has contradicted that, I now feel the divide between my DDs and their Nanny

Unicorn I'm delighted you're getting some help and support now. Completely understand how you're feeling. Finola and others have given great understanding and advice. Thing is you're probably wasting a lot of energy on it and you'll just get more and more resentful. I know because I have the same bitterness about my lovely and smiling in-laws who are fit and well and yet have only managed the two hour journey to us once in 18m, 3 times in last 4 years. We have a 4.5 and 18mo. My own parents are both unwell and have been throughout and they still wouldn't dream of visiting, even just the company would be great. I find it so bloody hard to understand. We travel every 2m to them and I have stopped suggesting a fictional visit as I am past it. Need to stop wasting the energy though.

I totally agree mikado time for us to cut some strings, I reckon. I may start up an Adopt A Granny programme.

No doubt my DM would want to join, as everything as I silently laugh to myself inside. 😂

Time for that super long hot bath I promised myself, as soon as this little bottle lover settles for bed