I am annoyed by niece's Christmas list

[user1475236059]

My 13 year old niece (SIL DD) sent me a whatsapp image of a christmas list she drew up. this list contains names of uncles and aunts and what christmas gift she wants from them. the gifts prices ranged from £15 to £25 and she assigned a gift to each aunt or uncle (my husband and i are supposed to get her 2 separate gifts). i am both annoyed and confused, it came across really arrogant and entitled to me. I spoke to her mom about it and she laughed it off. my kids are toddlers but i will never think its ok for them to send out a list like that. she didn't even attach a polite message with it. on one hand, she is my fave niece from my husband's side, she adores my toddlers and is always eager to help me with baby stuff whenever she is available. on the other hand, the list annoyed the hell out of me. she asked for a beauty set that costs £20. her mom lets her wear make up. WWYD, just buy the gift, buy one jointly with DH or just ignore her completely

Just get the gift.
You bring your kids up as you see fit
There is more to life than arguing with niece/SIL over a present
If she helps you out and likes your toddlers, £20 is not much
Plus you know she'll love it
Everyone's a winner.

Would you rather spend £20 on something she hated? :)

It is a bit entitled, but I think you should get her the present anyway. It's her mum who will pay for it in the future if she grows up spoilt.

I agree with you, it's rude.

But also v organised, informative and will help you finding a present that you know she likes

I think I'd reply "Oh, is that you WISH list? Did you mean to send the whole thing to me? Duly noted, thank you."

And then decide what you think would be a nice present for her.
I totally think that format of making clear what presents are expected is rude and I'd me mortified if I was told my DSs had thought something similar was the way to go.
Nothing wrong with expressing a preference, but there's a way to do it that includes the words 'please' and 'I would like" or 'may It' IMO.

But I am OLD....

This is the kind of thing I would have found in dd's notebook when she was about 7! I would have found it quite funny and a bit awful, and she certainly knew by 13 that you don't send this stuff out!

I see it as entitled and grabby. My sister would see it as helpful. In her words "what's the point in spending money on something I won't like?". She was about 35 when she said that.

I agree that one present between you and DH is quite enough - my mum would've been MORTIFIED if I'd sent people a list like this, let alone asked for a present from each person in a couple!

It is grabby, but I quite like it. I'd much rather buy her something she knew she wanted.

This wasn't a wishlist, it was more of an assignment sheet and for upto 10 uncles and aunts all together.

Yes, that is what I would be tempted to point out: "This is not a wish list."

It is a bit entitled and I'd never have done it myself at 13 but tbh if I could afford the 2 presents I probably would have get her the 2 gifts if she is an only child but I get really awkward when people ask me what to buy my DS (5) and DD(3) because I never know how much they want to spend so I just always say to the kids (that are not mine) give me a few ideas of what you would like for Christmas and we will see what we can do and that way it isn't awkward for anyone.

That does sound like the kind of thing a six or seven year old would do. I would expect a 13 year old to grasp that a couple consisting of her uncle and his wife would be buying her one gift together, not one each - that sounds like the presumptuousness and lack of logic of a much younger child. Is she immature for her age?

If the value is the kind of ballpark you would be spending anyway, get her one of the things between you.

come on - she's 13. She needs guidance. I would NOT be angry with the child, I would educate her. Social things are a minefield to me and it's exactly the sort of thing (provide helpful list) I might have done at this age. Your favourite niece is 13, and she loves your toddlers. Surely DN gets the benefit of the doubt?

Well at least you know she'll like it. It's a teensy bit controlling maybe to assign people, but maybe she thought she was helping as then nothing will be doubled up on.
Chill out, she sounds like a good kid.

the mum laughing it off - perhaps the parents haven't educated their DD about social norms? The script isn't always obvious, and I don't think it's unusual for 13. Isn't that a notoriously socially awkward age?

I think its quite funny but I wouldnt if it continued past 16/17. At least she choose something within a reasonable budget only her 13 year old mind hasnt registered "couple" shes thought "auntie" and "uncle". How about telling her youre really pleased shes so organised but adults tend to buy as a couple? I dont think its crossed her mind

alotlikeChristmas16, exactly why i have mixed feelings. she is a good kid but even good kids don't know everything.

Personally I like to know what people want as it's good not to waste money buying stuff that they won't use.

However I would be a bit annoyed by the presumption that you will buy a specific gift costing a specific amount, particularly if there is more than one assigned to you.

Our family and SILs family use an Amazon wish list - that way at least you the gift giver are picking which present you'll actually send, but you are getting something that the recipient wants.

On this occasion I'd get her either one of the gifts or a gift card for the same amount and say that you'd prefer not to be told exactly what to buy and suggest she sets up an Amazon wish list, which is a slightly less grabby way of getting what you want.

That is pretty rude. As a one off I would do it. I would speak to her mum again though and let her know that any further 'requests' of that nature won't be honoured, so she needs to find a way of being more gracious (less rude) about communicating what she wants.

I would get her what she wanted, from me and my husband i.e one present not two. And only if it was within the boundaries of what I was planning to spend anyway.

I think it's fine except for the "one gift per person" rule.

Just ignore the slightly gauche aspect. Instead, focus on the fact that you won't have to spend ages shopping for something she may not even want.

If it was within my budget I think I'd just get her it. I would use it as a good opportunity to coach her on social etiquette though and maybe have a wee friendly chat with her at some point.

Hmmm. I'd work out what I would have spent on her anyway, and get what you can from the list in your budget. She has no income so Christmas is the only time apart from birthdays she can hope to get the things she really would love. At least she didn't pick super expensive stuff? It really isn't different to you asking her mum what she'd like and her asking for the same as on her list. No different to wedding lists etc. If she was asking for laptops and iphones I'd get it. She sounds lovely. Be nice to get her something she'd love