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Original poster

I am annoyed by niece's Christmas list

93 replies

user1475236059 · 13/12/2016 16:25

My 13 year old niece (SIL DD) sent me a whatsapp image of a christmas list she drew up. this list contains names of uncles and aunts and what christmas gift she wants from them. the gifts prices ranged from £15 to £25 and she assigned a gift to each aunt or uncle (my husband and i are supposed to get her 2 separate gifts). i am both annoyed and confused, it came across really arrogant and entitled to me. I spoke to her mom about it and she laughed it off. my kids are toddlers but i will never think its ok for them to send out a list like that. she didn't even attach a polite message with it. on one hand, she is my fave niece from my husband's side, she adores my toddlers and is always eager to help me with baby stuff whenever she is available. on the other hand, the list annoyed the hell out of me. she asked for a beauty set that costs £20. her mom lets her wear make up. WWYD, just buy the gift, buy one jointly with DH or just ignore her completely

OP posts:

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 13/12/2016 17:01

I agree with Trifle - I'd have a quiet word with her mum. Maybe from now on, she could give her wish list to her mum, and when relatives ring up asking for suggestions for her gift, her mum can suggest something from the list. That is a polite and diplomatic way of doing it.

If she were to send out a similar list next year, I would have a word with her personally - I'd tell her how rude and entitled her list made her look, and point out that it is more likely to make people think she doesn't deserve any gifts than to make them think she is being helpful - and if she wants to piss off all her relatives and get no presents, she's going the right way about it!

QueenofallIsee · 13/12/2016 17:01

I would find this tough as well OP, would feel like i was rewarding behaviour that I find disrespectful and rude. That said if it was a present I would buy anyway I would probably give it. I would tell my sister/SIL that I didn't approve though!

Serialweightwatcher · 13/12/2016 17:01

I think it's really rude and if my 13 year old did that, I'd go completely mad with him ... what if someone can't afford £20 or £25 a gift - children and adults should be happy to receive something from someone and not basically demand certain presents - if they are asked what they want, then fine but not if they haven't been. I would get her whatever you intended to get her, or give her what money you were going to and ignore that list - her mum shouldn't laugh it off and should explain manners to her. Wouldn't be surprised if it was the mum's idea - she doesn't want to spend too much so she's told her to send it to relatives instead

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alotlikeChristmas16 · 13/12/2016 17:02

I'd talk directly to your DN, rather than her get a garbled telling off from her DM. Say when you got the list you were confused about why she had you and DH down for a gift each, and what the convention normally is about gift giving in your opinion. I wouldn't risk it getting lost in translation.

KurriKurri · 13/12/2016 17:02

I know lots of folk think it is Ok to send lists of what you want and you are being helpful and of course people are getting you something so why be coy about it.

But I would have been very embarrassed if my children had done this at that age (or any age in fact) In my world you don't presume gifts, and you certainly don't presume an amount of money people will spend. If someone asks you what you want you can say 'make up' or something like that - which gives a clue but doesn't specify (you don;t say 'I'd like an eyeliner costing £X a lipstick costing £Y and a mascara costing £Z - that's rude)

I certainly by 13 wouldn't have dreamt of demanding gifts from relatives, I would have known that couples give as a couple. My children would have known this too.

Very rude and entitled IMO - I think the child is old enough to know better but if her parents laugh off rudeness instead of correcting it, then I guess it isn't her fault.

semideponent · 13/12/2016 17:02

Could you give her just one of the things she suggested, but a slightly nicer version of it, plus something handmade from the kids?

More flies with honey than vinegar…it doesn't sound as though her Mum is much help and any kind of humiliation will just make her angry.

Though if she asks you why, I would definitely take the chance to explain.

AmeliaJack · 13/12/2016 17:03

Come on! It's quite funny.

I bet her Mum gets lots of relatives demanding suggestions for Christmas - she's just cutting out the middle man. It's pretty efficient really.

It's not very polite and I wouldn't want my own daughter to do it but I'd find it hard to be offended really.

It's not grabby or entitled. She's a child who presumably is used to receiving presents from all these people each year. Her expectation to receive something this year too is therefore reasonable. She's just trying to be helpful and make sure she likes what she gets.

I'd buy her what she asked for, assuming it's with your usual budget.

She sounds in general like she's a great kid. Haven't we all made mistakes at 13?

KimmySchmidtsSmile · 13/12/2016 17:03

I would get both gifts but put on the card/gift tag you expect x hours of free babysitting for your generosity!

MoreGilmoreGirls · 13/12/2016 17:05

I would get her one gift and have another word with her mum that you did not appreciate the list and her daughter needs to learn some manners

CarpoolKaraoke · 13/12/2016 17:06

I'd be mortified if my kid did this. No, you don't get separate gifts from an aunt and uncle to the value of £20each , you get one, and consider yourself lucky that so much was spent and this should be pointed out, though this is really your SILs job not yours.

That she hasn't just done a generic wish list but has TOLD each relative what gift they WILL get her is frankly unheard of for me. And I thought my friends wish list for her PFB was bad.

tempester28 · 13/12/2016 17:07

I see why you are a bit off about it however, I would just get her the gift she wants from you - but obviously from you and your husband jointly! she is 13 and has probably been told to do a list to be helpful. The other side of this is that I have been asked by every close relative what they should get for my dc's they are 10 and 8 and so I struggle to give ideas to everyone - they just want to give gifts that will be enjoyed. In a way you should be pleased that you dont have to spend too much thinking of what to get! and I am sure that 13 year old may not quite realise that Married couples tend to send joint presents!!

Purplebluebird · 13/12/2016 17:08

Yes, I would find it a bit rude and demanding. Then again, she's 13. How many 13 year old's can't be a bit odd socially compared to adults? She's probably not aware that it could be seen as rude! I would just let it be, buy her the present and hope she will be thankful - and that next year she won't make that kind of demanding list again.

dartzie62 · 13/12/2016 17:08

I think it is rather distasteful to be honest. If it was my child I would certainly have something to say about it.
If you are close to your niece like you say you are, have a quiet word to her about it and explain what is right and wrong.

What others are saying that at least you will get her something she would like or wants; I still would think carefully about it: What I would do is probably get her something similar and from the whole of your family.

Bluntness100 · 13/12/2016 17:08

I suspect she's being getting lots of stuff she really doesn't want from all her aunts and uncles so decided to do this, and I suspect also her parents knew, both that she was doing it and that the gifts weren't great before.. Personally, if I could afford it, I'd just buy the gifts. I doubt she's being entitled because she knows you're going to buy her something. Allocating gifts to people stops her getting ten of the one thing if she just sends a wish list.

Yes maybe she could have handled it better i.e. Individual messages with a please on, but she's a kid. I honestly wouldn't over think it, because the fundamental fact is it means she will get stuff you want, none of her aunts and uncles will waste their money buying stuff she does not want, so it's all good,

1horatio · 13/12/2016 17:09

I think that's also because she doesn't want to get the same thing twice.

Let's say she had just sent the list without assigned name,.. she could end up with the same beauty set 5 times... and this way you know the gift is appreciated?

If you want to only give her one present together then that's your right. But if you can afford the gifts? Not your child, you don't have to impart politeness. And as you said, she sounds like a lovely girl. So it doesn't sounds like she needs a lesson, right? :)

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 13/12/2016 17:10

It's run.

A wishlist is fine, but no gift should be assigned and she should take the risk of getting two (or three, or seven) of something.

Her parents are the ones who need a good talking to, though.

If you would normally have spent 20 quid, get her what she has asked for - but one gift only. She may not be spoiled and entitled yet, but she will be soon if she can command things like this! (A future Bridezilla!!! )

1horatio · 13/12/2016 17:10

Distasteful? Sure, if she was an adult. But she's 13.

Teenagers are usually moody little shits. As long as she's reasonably polite, doing good at school etc the kiddo seems fine.

Verbena37 · 13/12/2016 17:11

At 13yrs, it's all about them. She won't have realised perhaps how grabby and selfish her list is.
We occasionally do Amazon wish lists but only between us and sil.
I don't normally spend more than £10 per niece/nephew.....but we have 9 so that's £90 before I've bought anything else.
DD would give people ideas but not the specific thing normally. She would say a make up case and let the buyer choose.

I don't get why you're saying about getting one from yo uand one from your DH. Surely you'll just get one thing from you both?

FlappysMammyAndPopeInExile · 13/12/2016 17:11

*rude, not run -bugger you, autocorrect!

rookiemere · 13/12/2016 17:11

I wouldn't speak to the DM, doesn't sound like that's going to help. I'd speak to DNiece directly and tell her that a please and thank you on the list would have been nice, and not to assign gifts directly.

Most 13 year olds these days wear make up. I can't see what's wrong with that.

Also if she already enjoys spending time with her cousins, I wouldn't try to assign a monetary value to it by talking about free babysitting, it just seems a bit off to me.

1horatio · 13/12/2016 17:13

Why would she take the risk of getting the same thing 5 times? That's a waste of money and ridiculous.
If that's your opinion it's better to simple give her the 25 £ and call it a day.

When we were little we always made a list, assigned stuff to a person and then when said person asked we knew to say to our godmother what our Christmas wish was, what the one for grandma was etc.

Sure, that's probably a bit more tasteful. But the kid is 13!!

expatinscotland · 13/12/2016 17:13

'I spoke to her mom about it and she laughed it off. '

Then I'd speak to your niece myself and tell her this is shockingly rude and entitled. That first of all, you never demand or assign gifts to people, because you don't know what their budget is, you don't count members of a couple as separate entities and demand gifts of each and that gifts are always to be expected, not a given.

And no, I would not reward this rude and entitled behaviour with the demanded gift.

That's how this sort of thing has become so common in our society.

I'd give her a tenner in a card.

PsammeadPaintedTheLion · 13/12/2016 17:14

I'd tell her straight (not angrily or anything, at 13 she's still young enough that she needs guidance in these things) that it's not really on. Just tell her that you're happy to buy her something she wants, but normally people wait until they are asked!

KirstyJC · 13/12/2016 17:16

DH and I do a list, complete with links to the shops we want it from. However it is just a wish list and we certainly don't get it all! It works for us, as when my mum asks what he wants I can give her one or two examples eg book, CD etc. And vice versa. It sure beats getting socks each year!

However, we wouldn't send it out with individual names on! (hmm...good idea though....)

I think it is a good idea in principle, but maybe suggest to her next time she offer a few different suggestions to different people with a more varied price range and let them make the final decision. Or leave it more open eg specify a range of products she likes and then people can select something.

gamerwidow · 13/12/2016 17:17

I had a similar message from my 18yo niece in November!! Tbf what she asked for is within budget and it I do usually ask her what she wants but I was still taken aback because it's polite to wait to be asked. Also now she is an adult and working I'm not even sure how much longer I'm going to be buying her a present. I wouldn't be impressed if my Dd did this.

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