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Original poster

Really uncomfortable that MIL is setting up room for DS at hers

90 replies

momofpickle · 05/12/2016 22:11

Before I had my son I thought how great it would be and how much money it would save that my mom and MIL were happy to have him while I was at work, once a week each. But the reality is that I've been really uncomfortable with my MIL in several situations and the latest test of my reserve is that she is setting up a room at her house for him.

We always got on well and she is nice. The worst that can be said if her is that she is too nice!! Constantly saying how much she loves me and DS etc etc etc I find it overwhelming!

When I was pregnant and when DS was born she accidentally referred to him as 'her baby'. She apologised. The other incidents were that she bought him a swing set for her house before we had anything in our garden for him, bought and used reins with him before we had without asking, took him on a day out without asking, insisted on buying a proper cotbed for him even though my own mother and I are happy with him using a travel cot and now is redecorating a room for him.

The further complication is that her husband died this year which is awful and I understand she wants a change and distraction.. but it's costing me a lot of upset and making our relationship awkward for me.

I'm grateful that she looks after him, honestly. I really don't want to upset her. But the idea that she is making a second home for him at ours makes me want to put him with the childminder instead. It's more than was asked for and too much for me to handle...

OH says it comes from a good place but it's still too much for me. AIBU? I need to discuss this with her but I'm filled with so much doubt like I'm just a nasty person for wanting her to stop! ...WWYD?

OP posts:

Backingvocals · 05/12/2016 22:14

Do you mean she's making up a child's bedroom so he could nap or stay overnight if necessary ?

Rachelly123 · 05/12/2016 22:15

Op does ds stay over with mil? Is that the reason for her setting up a room for him?
Sounds very much like my ex mil with dd. She insists on giving dd Christmas presents at her house and recreating a second Christmas for her rather than just letting her have her presents delivered by Santa like everyone else!

cheekyfunkymonkey · 05/12/2016 22:16

Ignore but make sure she keeps to your rules and pull her up when she doesn't. She's probably just overenthusiastic but If your gut feeling is making you wary keep an eye on her.

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Original poster

momofpickle · 05/12/2016 22:17

Yes that's it.. He previously napped in a travel cot in a different room. I just feel so weird about her setting up a room at her house for him and that his bedroom is here.

I guess I'm just really insecure about the whole thing

OP posts:

dontpokethebear · 05/12/2016 22:18

Honestly, I think you sound a bit pfb.

Backingvocals · 05/12/2016 22:18

Sorry posted too soon.

If so he won't stay overnight unless you want him to which you don't so for now it's moot. And I'm not sure that it's a second home for him as you put it. It's a lovely occasional bedroom at grandma's house.

You sound a little taken aback at the strength of your own feelings for your son. Which is normal btw.

Shakey15000 · 05/12/2016 22:19

On the surface, I think it's quite nice. DS (now 9) has had "his room" at Nanna and grandads for years.

Original poster

momofpickle · 05/12/2016 22:20

She also wants presents for him to have at hers... it's just such a foreign concept to how I was raised. It makes me feel like I'm doing her a favour letting her look after him and I'd be more comfortable with a less involved relationship and with him staying at the childminders instead!

OP posts:

FanDabbyFloozy · 05/12/2016 22:22

Another here who is thinking PFB.. You're complaining because she organised a better bed than a travel cot?!

Cherish the fact she takes such an active interest and allow them to build their own relationship. When he is older and you need a babysitter overnight, you will be thrilled it's a home from home.

ineedamoreadultieradult · 05/12/2016 22:22

My kids have their own room at Nana's house. It's nice for them to feel comfortable and welcomed rather than an occasional guest.

DrinkingCocktailsInTheSunshine · 05/12/2016 22:22

I think you are being very pfb about this. His bedroom isn't changing; it is at your house, which is his home. However, his grandmother clearly wants to make him feel comfortable when he is at her house and is designating a safe and specially furnished room for him.

I appreciate emotions and hormones can be strong things when they involve our children but since you have asked, yes I do think YABU.

Original poster

momofpickle · 05/12/2016 22:23

@dontpokethebear more like pfb grandchild I think! @backingvocals he has stayed over a few times since he was born (he's two now). I just can't understand why she couldn't stick with the cot until he was big enough for a bed. I'm so freaked out she is creating a nursery. I'm totally taken aback by my feelings! I'm desperate to get past them :(

OP posts:

DixieNormas · 05/12/2016 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsDustyBusty · 05/12/2016 22:24

Perhaps you might be more comfortable with a childminder. It's hard to say. But rationally, what harm will come from your mother in law having a room dedicated to her grandchild and toys at her house for him to play with when you have agreed that he will be there regularly for extended periods?

RumAppleGinger · 05/12/2016 22:25

Sorry but I think you are being a bit unreasonable. None of the things you list sound hugely alarming to me. I take it your DS was already in her care when she took him for a day out?

My MIL lives by herself in a 3 bed house and she has turned one of the rooms into a room for my DCs. It's just a place for them to sleep when they stay and for toys and books to be stored so the rest of her house is tidy and not cluttered with the kids stuff.

If it really is causing you upset then I can see why you would want to address it but I would tread very carefully so that you don't massively upset someone who clearly loves you and your child and has recently lost their husband.

cromwell44 · 05/12/2016 22:25

Do nothing; she is being very kind and maybe going overboard a little, but she lost her husband this year, maybe she deserves to be given a bit of slack.
Does it really matter that she has a cotbed and not a travel cot at her home or has bought a swing set? These seems to be some quite trivial but they have been woven into a problem. I know lots of GPs who have a bedroom for the grandchildren's and keep stuff there. It makes life easier for everyone and more fun for your DS.
WSYD? Show a bit of kindness.

Rachelly123 · 05/12/2016 22:25

Do you feel that she is trying to compete with you??..

DixieNormas · 05/12/2016 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DrinkingCocktailsInTheSunshine · 05/12/2016 22:27

I mean this nicely (although appreciate it comes across as quite harsh) but I think the issue is with you and you need to look at what it is that you have such a problem with. Why don't you want your DS to feel loved by his grandmother and for her to show that in the way she cares and provides for him? It is because you feel your own mother should be the one doing this or because you didn't have such a nice childhood?

Costacoffeeplease · 05/12/2016 22:27

Why shouldn't he have a room and toys at her house?

Orangebird69 · 05/12/2016 22:27

I despise travel cots. My Mil has a baby room with a cot etc at her house for all her dgd to use when needed. It's so convenient. You're being a bit pfb op.

dontpokethebear · 05/12/2016 22:28

My children have their own rooms at both sets of GPs.
Would it feel any different if it was your mother doing this? IMO she is just trying to make your ds feel more at home at hers.
Can you imagine how it will feel for her if you suddenly decide to send him to a childminder instead? If it was me, I'd be devastated.

When you refer to 'presents', do you mean Christmas presents? On Christmas Day we will being going to the ILs later on and the dcs will open the presents from them there. Were you expecting your mil to send her presents to your house to open?

Mybeautifullife1 · 05/12/2016 22:28

So you'd prefer her to be more apathetic? Your son never have a sleepover or to sleep over in the spare room rather than "his" bedroom? Nap on the sofa?

Obvious case of the PFBs.

If this was all coming from your mum rather than mil would you react in the same way?

bestofboth · 05/12/2016 22:28

I remember having my own room at my nans house, it was great! And I didn't even stay around that often.

My own DC has a room at my DM.

I think you are being a bit unreasonable. She sounds like a genuinely nice grandma who wants to help out.

Oh and as for the comment about saying your dc is hers, my DM says that all the time about my DC because she's just not used to having a grandkid, every "baby" has been hers and it's just weird for her to get used to.

tigerdriverII · 05/12/2016 22:29

DS has his own bedroom at my mum's. It's a bit babyish for him now but it's still his space, with books etc. I don't think your MIL is doing anything wrong, or odd.

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