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Original poster

Really uncomfortable that MIL is setting up room for DS at hers

90 replies

momofpickle · 05/12/2016 22:11

Before I had my son I thought how great it would be and how much money it would save that my mom and MIL were happy to have him while I was at work, once a week each. But the reality is that I've been really uncomfortable with my MIL in several situations and the latest test of my reserve is that she is setting up a room at her house for him.

We always got on well and she is nice. The worst that can be said if her is that she is too nice!! Constantly saying how much she loves me and DS etc etc etc I find it overwhelming!

When I was pregnant and when DS was born she accidentally referred to him as 'her baby'. She apologised. The other incidents were that she bought him a swing set for her house before we had anything in our garden for him, bought and used reins with him before we had without asking, took him on a day out without asking, insisted on buying a proper cotbed for him even though my own mother and I are happy with him using a travel cot and now is redecorating a room for him.

The further complication is that her husband died this year which is awful and I understand she wants a change and distraction.. but it's costing me a lot of upset and making our relationship awkward for me.

I'm grateful that she looks after him, honestly. I really don't want to upset her. But the idea that she is making a second home for him at ours makes me want to put him with the childminder instead. It's more than was asked for and too much for me to handle...

OH says it comes from a good place but it's still too much for me. AIBU? I need to discuss this with her but I'm filled with so much doubt like I'm just a nasty person for wanting her to stop! ...WWYD?

OP posts:

sparklybluelights · 06/12/2016 19:01

insisted on buying a proper cotbed for him even though my own mother and I are happy with him using a travel cot

Step back and listen to yourself.
You are happy for your mother to have a say in things, but not your MIL.

I bet if it were your mother doing these things you would have no problem.
When your mother does something, you see it as 'help'
When your mother in law does something, you see it as 'interfering'.

Unfair.

sparklybluelights · 06/12/2016 19:04

Travel cots are horrible things.
The cold travels up through the mattress and the baby or toddler can get cold during the night.
A proper cot is much better.

pithivier · 06/12/2016 19:16

You cannot help how you feel but I would be inclined to wait before you say anything. One of my GKs spends a lot of time with the other GPS and they have toys, equipment and a room for him.

When we are all together it is really wonderful to see the relationship he has with them, especially his Grandaddy. When he comes to us he talks about him, the adventure they have, the things they do. His grandad is a builder and my GS will carefully explain all the different tools and there uses. He is only 4 and I think he is so lucky to have them in his life.

The truth is, you cannot have too many people who love you and, provided she is not undermining you I would try to hide your feelings.

My own children worshipped my MiL, which was luck as my mother could not have given a rats about them.

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OlennasWimple · 06/12/2016 19:16

OP - fifteen years of marriage and eleven years of bringing up a child together, DH and I are still finding things that our parents did differently for us and do differently for our DC, even though on the surface both sides of our family would seem to have had fairly similar upbringings. I love my MiL but occasionally she does some stuff that seems normal to DH but batshit crazy to me (and vice versa!). We've both taken the view that as long as it doesn't actively contradict things that DH and I have agreed we would / would not do (like smacking, playing with toy guns), we nod and smile and let them get on with enjoying their grandchildren.

Feefeefs · 06/12/2016 20:02

I understand this too particularly with regard to it just being very very different (not better or worse) than my own upbringing. Recently I have been spending more time with MIL due to my difficult pregnancy. Is there any option/time for you to do this? Maybe a little work on your relationship will help? I know it sounds hard but it really has helped me

Thinkingblonde · 06/12/2016 20:34

Your baby will always look to you first, no matter how mil is with them, they will know that you are their mother and turn to you first.

ashtrayheart · 06/12/2016 20:40

Neither my parents or dp's parents have ever babysat for us, let alone had them overnight! Whilst I can understand you might feel a bit smothered, you are very lucky to have someone to look after your ds too.

Original poster

momofpickle · 06/12/2016 21:12

There have been some really helpful, reassuring comments here so thank you for that. It is good to see that this is actually very a common setup even though it seems strange to me. It would be nice to spend some time together with her when DS isn't the focus and connect a bit more. Look after her / spoil her for a change. But that's easier said than done! And she always wants to see him anyway. We'll get there in the end I'm sure x

OP posts:

NoMoreMarbles · 06/12/2016 22:23

I'm inclined to say YABU sorry OP...

I do, however, understand some of how you are feeling. In my own case I think I felt that it meant my DD might prefer MIL and her home to me and ours. I was jealous that MIL was loving my DD and DD loved her too and was scared of being pushed away. My DD is almost 11 now and I'm so amazed at the lovely relationship she has with my ILs and I'm glad of it now that she's developing a teenage attitude

I think (if you are anything like me) you will be thankful in the future for your MIL and to make things awkward now would only serve to upset everyone and ruin the relationship you have with your MIL

galaxygirl45 · 06/12/2016 22:23

I have 3 very dear and precious grandchildren at the grand old age of 46 - and they have a playroom (used to be my lovely conservatory), their own room with toddler bed and cot plus a moses basket and travel cot for baby, my car has 3 seats in permanently, I have a pram and a stroller, 2 high chairs, a small table and chairs in the kitchen, we have stairgates and socket covers everywhere. All the stuff I'd spent years getting rid of after our own 3 had grown up!! The little monsters have taken over, but my DD can come here and she doesn't bring anything other than the kids. I see them every day usually, they live a 5 minute walk up the road, and stay most weekends. I adore them more than life itself, and was lucky enough to have had really close relationships with all my grandparents - sadly none of whom are still here. Your little one has a nan that adores him, and wants him to feel at home in her house and I'd say he and you are so very very lucky. Embrace it, she loves him and that grandparent/grandchild bond is something so deep and wonderful, for both of them. My DD always says that her kids treat this like their second home, which it is and always will be.

Qwertie · 08/12/2016 07:51

Do you feel undermined by her & ultimately worried that she will take him away from you? I felt a bit like this with my pfb; like my MIL wanted it to be her, her son & grandson and that I was surplus to requirements. However, my MIL was very rude and controlling; she once rearranged the furniture in our house while we were on holiday & left a note "try to keep it this way". Also, I was depressed and very insecure. Maybe you might be suffering with PND?

memyselfandaye · 08/12/2016 08:08

The best part of my childhood was the incredibly close bond I had with my grandparents, especially my Father's parents.

They had all died by the time I was 30, inc my Dad,11yrs later I still think of them everyday and I would do anything to see them one more time just to tell them how much I loved them.

My Grandmother was exactly the same, bought herself a cot when my Mother was pregnant, spoiled me etc.

They only lived a mile away from us and I stayed there every weekend from being a few weeks old until I was 16.

My own 5yr old only has one grandparent, my Mother, who is wonderful but I wish he could have the full set like I did.

It takes a village etc! Your child has a loving Grandma, that's a good thing.

Sparkesx · 08/12/2016 10:19

You're being silly. My mum has made a lovely little room up for her grandson, it's what grandparents do is it not? She sounds lovely, welcoming and a typical 'grandma' which is lovely!!

Chickpearocker · 08/12/2016 10:28

You are being ridiculous and spoilt. #firstworldproblems

ThisThingCalledLife · 09/12/2016 15:01

Hmmm....you don't actually know her well yet do you OP?
You might see a different side to her once you do get to know her.

To me, it looks like she's continually disrespecting and undermining you as a parent, those firsts are yours to enjoy by right and she's denying you that
She is being very presumptuous about dc staying overnight when you haven't even had that conversation with her!
To me it looks like she's 'love-bombing' you with her 'niceness' and 'generosity'....and there's usually an ulterior motive behind them

I can understand her grieving and using dc as a means of filling that void, but she's getting obsessed and carried away.
Somebody needs to nip this in the bud before it gets bigger.

She can have whatever she wants in her house - what she cannot do is place demands/expectations on you to accommodate for them - so don't feel bad for still buying/using your own choice pram/cot/carrier etc

maybe if I get myself in a better place I'll be OK

You think you will be ok with mil continually taking all these 'firsts' from you?
You think you will be ok with continually being disrespected and undermined as a parent?
Do you think it's ok to have your feelings minimized?
The only 'hormonal' thing i see coming from you is the cry of a mother who just wants to be the mum and build those memories for her dc....i dare anyone to say you are being 'unreasonable' for feeling and wanting that

OP, you need to stand up for what matters to you no matter what the rest of the world thinks or does - you're not going to get this time with your dd back again.
Let her know you appreciate all that she's doing for your dc but.....dc won't be staying overnight anywhere without you until they're older
Make your boundaries known re the 'extra' stuff that's creeping in ...and be prepared to follow through with consequences if they are ignored

I wouldn't cancel the one day childcare she does though - not unless she's ignoring your boundaries/rules etc
I'd just be frank with her - and your dh - you did not choose to be a SAHP to watch paint dry.

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