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Original poster

Really uncomfortable that MIL is setting up room for DS at hers

90 replies

momofpickle · 05/12/2016 22:11

Before I had my son I thought how great it would be and how much money it would save that my mom and MIL were happy to have him while I was at work, once a week each. But the reality is that I've been really uncomfortable with my MIL in several situations and the latest test of my reserve is that she is setting up a room at her house for him.

We always got on well and she is nice. The worst that can be said if her is that she is too nice!! Constantly saying how much she loves me and DS etc etc etc I find it overwhelming!

When I was pregnant and when DS was born she accidentally referred to him as 'her baby'. She apologised. The other incidents were that she bought him a swing set for her house before we had anything in our garden for him, bought and used reins with him before we had without asking, took him on a day out without asking, insisted on buying a proper cotbed for him even though my own mother and I are happy with him using a travel cot and now is redecorating a room for him.

The further complication is that her husband died this year which is awful and I understand she wants a change and distraction.. but it's costing me a lot of upset and making our relationship awkward for me.

I'm grateful that she looks after him, honestly. I really don't want to upset her. But the idea that she is making a second home for him at ours makes me want to put him with the childminder instead. It's more than was asked for and too much for me to handle...

OH says it comes from a good place but it's still too much for me. AIBU? I need to discuss this with her but I'm filled with so much doubt like I'm just a nasty person for wanting her to stop! ...WWYD?

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 05/12/2016 22:30

Op she sounds lovely. Ask some on here about their toxic in laws, you will hear some horrific stories. Be lucky you have a MIL who is nice. Can I have her 😃😃

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 05/12/2016 22:31

I had a bedroom at my nan's house from the day I was born. My nan was a young widow and I stayed with her every weekend - moved in with her as a teen. I loved having a second home there because it felt like a refuge when I argued with my folks or my baby sister was getting on my nerves. It's nice that she wants to make your child feel at home.

Original poster
momofpickle · 05/12/2016 22:32

I have been thinking about this and perhaps it is to do with not having a similar experience with my grandparents and the fact that it's not something my mother would do... I think some people who replied have overlooked the fact that I feel terrible about this and taken aback by my feelings. Maybe you are right that I'll feel better years down the line

OP posts:

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Families
InfiniteSheldon · 05/12/2016 22:32

Poor woman, she's created a lovely space for a much loved grandchild. Yabu.

J0kersSmile · 05/12/2016 22:33

Both my dc have their own room each at my nans and she gives them presents at her house on boxing day. What's wrong with giving the person you have bought presents presents. Confused

My dc have never been confused over where they live, who's their mum and love getting presents from my nan at Christmas. We also go over to my mum's for presents as well.

Is your normal to put all presents under the tree and pass them off as yours or from father Christmas?

JenLindleyShitMom · 05/12/2016 22:34

Wow. Grandmother loves grandchild! That bitch! Hmm

Do you know how many children would kill for even one adult in their lives to love them like that?

The more people to love a child the better. So she is making her home a welcoming place for her grandchild. There is something seriously wrong with anyone who finds fault with that. Go have a word with yourself. And I am speaking as someone whose MIL took me to court for contact and who I couldn't even look at for years.

ChuckGravestones · 05/12/2016 22:34

rather than just letting her have her presents delivered by Santa like everyone else

Oh my god, you are joking. What a witch.

Hmm
LadyLapsang · 05/12/2016 22:34

She has just lost her husband, be gentle. Setting up a nice room for your son may be a welcome distraction from her grief.

ChuckGravestones · 05/12/2016 22:35

My nieces come once a year for 3 nights so we bought a day bed. Ill go shoot myself now.

rollonthesummer · 05/12/2016 22:35

You sound rather paranoid.

My mum had a cot at hers when mine were little and she looked after them-she has plenty of room and they are far more comfortable than a travel cot.

She's also referred to them as her babies (as in her grandchildren). She is perfectly normal and lovely.

stillwantrachelshair · 05/12/2016 22:35

We live 4hrs away from the in-laws and stay there for two long weekends a year (they come to us more often). Both DC have themed rooms there with co-ordinated duvets, curtains, lampshades & wall decorations. They started off with quite babyish designs & are now on their second set & MIL is muttering about that set being too young for DC1 & it's time for a change. MIL also has age appropriate toys & books which, again, only get used for about 6 days a year. I think this is completely OTT but MIL & the DC love it and the local women's refuge benefit from regular donations of scarcely used soft furnishings, toys & books. In the meantime, "our" bedroom at her house has a threadbare carpet...

Original poster
momofpickle · 05/12/2016 22:36

well at least I know how common this is now

OP posts:
EB123 · 05/12/2016 22:36

I used to feel very similar to you when I had DS1. At one point he had more toys at IL's than at home. It was very different from my own parents and what I was used too.

But I now have 3 children and I am so grateful to my IL's, they adore my boys and my boys adore them right back, they were a godsend when earlier this year I was in hospital for a week, my boys had a lovely safe place to stay with the things they needed. They love to take them out of exciting day trips and have even taken my oldest two away for a weekend. Embrace it x

RandomMess · 05/12/2016 22:37

I think it's mainly because it's very different to the grandparent role you grew up with.

There is no "normal", I'm sure if there were more grandchildren they'd all share that bedroom rather than it being for your DS but there isn't yet. Once a week is nothing. DS will not confused that you are his Mum, his primary carer and home is with you and DH.

Did you g-parents not have much of an influence in your life?

sleepyhead · 05/12/2016 22:38

All sounds fine to me. My parents have decorated a room in their house for the grandchildren and kitted it out with IKEA furniture and toys (albeit most of the toys are from when my brother and I were small).

And maybe she does feel that you're doing her a favour letting her look after your ds. Maybe she has friends who don't get to see their gc very much and she feels lucky to have the chance at a close relationship with hers.

It may be different from the way you were brought up, but that's ok surely? She's not your grandmother, she's your ds's grandmother. She'll have her own traditions and expectations. It should be give and take from both sides, so as long as she accepts when you tell her she's done something that you'd rather she didn't, then I think you can try to cut her some slack on something as benign as a cot.

Original poster
momofpickle · 05/12/2016 22:39

Thanks @stillwantrachels.. and EB123 especially x x

OP posts:
defineme · 05/12/2016 22:39

I feel really sorry for her. To lose your dh (she can't be very old if her dgc is only 2) and then potentially have her time with dgc taken away because she's made up a room for him? My mil is prone to saying stuff like 'my grandchildren are my life' which is quite intense and not like my family, but how lucky for my kids that they are loved so hard by so many. You are his mum, you are bringing him up, as long as she is not interfering with how you do that, then leave her be. It's incredibly common to throw yourself into redecorating and furniture buying when you are recently bereaved. Try to have a bit of empathy for her and stop being so ridiculous.

InTheKitchenAtParties · 05/12/2016 22:39

I don't understand why you feel so insecure? Are you worried your DS will love her more than he loves you? If so YABU.

Backingvocals · 05/12/2016 22:41

You feel how you feel and I understand that. But you are making something negative out of a positive. If she wants to buy a cot bed even if only for a few months why not? Do you fear that she will supplant you in your son's affections ? She won't. However nice the grandma, nanny, auntie is, children instinctively love their mums most (assuming she's normal and loving). They just do. She won't replace you. But she can enhance your son's life with her own brand of love. If you don't want his life enhanced by other loving people then you have a problem. If you are worried that you will be replaced in his affections then you don't need to worry.

Lumpylumperson · 05/12/2016 22:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Wineandchocolate123 · 05/12/2016 22:42

My dm is similar. She is currently on about redecorating the 'children's' room and buying an extra bed. I have one ds with another on the way. My db has 2 children but they live quite a distance away. She has one of the children to stay once every 4 or 5 months at a guess. To me it's a waste of money, but it keeps her happy and ds enjoys going over there. She also buys the 'best' of everything and if she finds mil has something she doesn't, within a week she'll have it too!

She does overstep the mark from time to time with certain things, but I have mentioned it to her once or twice (not toys or bedroom.......more experiences, and taking ds places she knows I have saved for and intend taking him, etc - I don't want to go into details here). She has also called herself 'mummy' whilst talking to ds on a few occasions, but does correct herself quickly.

At the end of the day, she is doing no harm on the whole. She (in my opinion) spoils ds far too much and is definitely more 'precious' about him than I am (this isn't making me sound good is it??) and I do try to rein her in from time to time, but as long as ds is happy I'm happy to bite my tongue and just laugh with dh about it afterwards.

nuttyknitter · 05/12/2016 22:42

You make it sound like a competition or a threat to your relationship with your DS but children can never have too much love. Your DS will always love you the most, but will be doubly blessed to have a strong close relationship with your MIL.

Dragonbait · 05/12/2016 22:43

I'm another one whose in laws bought their own cot and kitted out a bedroom for my dd's. I'll be honest and say it never crossed my mind to worry about it as I know how much my kids love their time there and I was always happy for a night off! I have a friend who bought an entire set of bedroom furniture and a pram for her grandchild before it was even born - no idea what her DIL made of that!

defineme · 05/12/2016 22:43

Sorry op, was probably a bit harsh. My inlaws are older now and getting too frail to look after or spend much time with their adored dgc, it's so sad. That time when your kids are young is precious and to share that with a loving extended family is blessed.

Christmassnake · 05/12/2016 22:44

Don't look a gift horse in the mouth,join me in my world,no relatives on one side give a shit,and no relatives at all on the other..would love to have your problem x in the nicest possible way xx

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