Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Really uncomfortable that MIL is setting up room for DS at hers

90 replies

momofpickle · 05/12/2016 22:11

Before I had my son I thought how great it would be and how much money it would save that my mom and MIL were happy to have him while I was at work, once a week each. But the reality is that I've been really uncomfortable with my MIL in several situations and the latest test of my reserve is that she is setting up a room at her house for him.

We always got on well and she is nice. The worst that can be said if her is that she is too nice!! Constantly saying how much she loves me and DS etc etc etc I find it overwhelming!

When I was pregnant and when DS was born she accidentally referred to him as 'her baby'. She apologised. The other incidents were that she bought him a swing set for her house before we had anything in our garden for him, bought and used reins with him before we had without asking, took him on a day out without asking, insisted on buying a proper cotbed for him even though my own mother and I are happy with him using a travel cot and now is redecorating a room for him.

The further complication is that her husband died this year which is awful and I understand she wants a change and distraction.. but it's costing me a lot of upset and making our relationship awkward for me.

I'm grateful that she looks after him, honestly. I really don't want to upset her. But the idea that she is making a second home for him at ours makes me want to put him with the childminder instead. It's more than was asked for and too much for me to handle...

OH says it comes from a good place but it's still too much for me. AIBU? I need to discuss this with her but I'm filled with so much doubt like I'm just a nasty person for wanting her to stop! ...WWYD?

OP posts:

AChickenCalledKorma · 05/12/2016 22:47

Our daughter also have their own room at my in-laws' house. There are two of them living in a four bedroom house, so they decided to create a room for the girls. They are young teenagers now and it has the huge benefit that they can go and escape from "boring adult conversation" (their words) and do their own thing. There's no question of it replacing their own room at home. It's just a space that is a bit more child friendly in a rather cluttered, grown up house.

Clankboing · 05/12/2016 22:48

I do understand you OP. I went through these feelings. I was wrapped up in becoming a mum and having my ds, then suddenly my mil - very differently than my own mum - completely took me by surprise, clucking around, talking about how wonderful it was to be a grandmother, visiting with her friends to see my ds, etc. I was completely thrown by the strength of her feelings and had not expected it. It is hard to express why: it wasn't jealousy, it was more shock. I had presumed only me and dh would be obsessed by him!

Brighteyes27 · 05/12/2016 22:49

She sounds like she is just being nice but maybe coming across as being a little over bearing to you. I think she is maybe lonely and wants to focus on doting on her GC. I think you are maybe feeling she is trying to take over from you and your mum and you are maybe wary of this.

I think if my MIL lived closer and was younger she would have done this and I may have felt equally threatened. But by the time we had children she was older and didn't live close by. But one thing she did do after a visit as kids got slightly older was as we were leaving she would say things like. Your mum wants to take you away from your nan but you don't really want to go with her do you you''d rather stay with your nan wouldn't you. Fortunately they never said yes and ran to me and eventually she stopped doing it. But all the same if we'd had to drag the kids out and home kicking and screaming in.

My mum created a bedroom for my niece at her house. She was her first GC and my sis took advantage of this. Even my two came along the room was always referred to as x's room. It felt quite hurtful.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

user1477282676 · 05/12/2016 22:49

OP I get it. My MIL was overbearing and over-keen too. She bought everything...a changing table (we didn't even have one of those ourselves) a cot, a toybox, toys...extra clothes...it was a bit weird.

She even said once "what I really want is my own baby" at 65? Really MIL?

I remained strict on my own views...but she still did things with DD which were her "firsts" and did them secretly.

It IS odd.

The sad thing is that now her own DD has a child, she barely sees mine because she looks after her DD"s child 4 days a week and he calls her Mama!

Whatever. She's welcome to it if her DD is happy with such a weird arrangement.

AnnaT45 · 05/12/2016 22:50

Sounds very normal and loving to me. My late mum always called the kids her babies. I loved how she loved them so much. It's a part of her!

I can see why you're on the back foot with it but it's really normal! She's creating a steady, nice place for your child so they feel safe and wanted. Try and embrace it. Many people aren't so lucky

Reality16 · 05/12/2016 22:50

Lots of kids have a room at grandmas

Original poster

momofpickle · 05/12/2016 22:51

Well it's ok. I stupidly put myself in the firing line for writing 'AIBU'. Some people haven't even read the thread properly and have suggested I think she is a witch which couldn't be further from the truth.

I should have said 'why do I feel like this' instead of AIBU but it's been pretty well covered by people saying it's PFB or something to do with my own upbringing.

I've been seeing a counsellor recently so maybe if I get myself in a better place I'll be ok. I recognise it's a good thing for him and not a threat to me. I'll try to embrace it and not be unkind. I never meant to be unkind.

OP posts:

captgill · 05/12/2016 22:55

When my husband had to work away for 6 weeks and I wasn't well, my mother-in-law gave me £100 to book my daughter into a few more days at nursery. She told me that she would rather do that than babysit! We lived in the same city as my in-laws and my family lived hundreds of miles away.
I was really hurt - as a child I loved being with my grandparents and I assumed my in-laws would be those kind of grandparents, but they aren't like that with my daughter.
It's hard when our expectations are different from reality. In one respect I feel a bit jealous that you have a mil who is so loving and wants to be involved, but I can see why you would find it all a bit much.
Maybe one way to look at it would be to consider what you really think is best for your child? Being a parent sometimes feels like one huge compromise.

Patriciathestripper1 · 05/12/2016 22:56

You would rather put him at a childminder than your mil??
All she is doing is doting on her grandchild. I don't see anything wrong with that.
And you should feel lucky that she wants to be so involved. My mil would never ask to take our dc out let alone have them stop over!! I'll swop mil's any day !

Cguk81 · 05/12/2016 22:57

I think you are being unfair on your MIL. You have someone in your family who loves your DS to bits and would nurture and cherish him but you would rather send him to a childminder. I don't understand that way of thinking. You sound very sensitive. I would be delighted if my MIL offered to buy a cot bed and decorated a room for my kids. It doesn't sound like she is being controlling or overbearing in her behaviour. Just a doting granny. In my opinion you should be counting your blessings.

TheGirlWithAPrince · 05/12/2016 22:57

I had my own room at my grandparents when i was younger, lots of toys and stuff too play with, Loved going there.. was like a second home, I think YABU.. Your child is one lucky child.

Didnt stay there often but when i did it was better then when i had to go round someones house and sleep in the spare/guest room .. i felt at home and comfortable.

stillwantrachelshair · 05/12/2016 22:57

Now that my DC are a bit older, I can also tell that I'll probably be like this if I ever have GC. For the last few years, I have been surrounded by babies (mine or my friends). The youngest child in my group of friends is now a very feisty 2yo and I surprised myself the other day when an acquaintance asked if I'd mind holding her few week old baby & I leapt at the chance & felt quite emotional that I probably won't get much hands on experience with a little baby ever again or a 6mo or a 12mo or a toddler or push a pram or buy cute baby outfits etc. It is interminable when you're in it but is really is over quickly.
Also, how much disposable income did your mum have when your DH was little? My mum had none so my brother & I grew up wearing & playing with hand-me-downs so she never had the chance to buy clothes for us, decorate a room for us etc so loves doing so now that she does have some disposable income.

Original poster

momofpickle · 05/12/2016 22:58

@brighteyes and @user thank you. I guess this is just another layer of learning to be a bigger family with your in laws, however people do things differently x

OP posts:

eatingtomuch · 05/12/2016 22:58

My mum did the same and neither me or my DH found it a problem. My mum loved and adored her grandchildren and got great pleasure making her home comfortable for them to stay (it wasn't often really). My DC had an amazing relationship with her and have lovely memories.
My mum died while the DC were quiet young. I am so pleased that she was able to have the time she did with the DC, I'd feel awful now if I'd had made the situation awkward.

longdiling · 05/12/2016 22:59

She sounds lovely. You sound lovely. Your child is very lucky op, I'm sure you'll figure this out.

DixieNormas · 05/12/2016 23:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

momofpickle · 05/12/2016 23:02

Thank you I'll try to stop worrying and pull myself together. It's good to have everyone put things in perspective x

OP posts:

llangennith · 05/12/2016 23:11

You'll appreciate this more as your DS gets older. My DGS has had his own room at my house since birth and he's 9 now. He stays here once a week and sometimes on a weekend night. My own Grandma loved us all, my own DM didn't particularly like or bond with any of her grandchildren.

DixieNormas · 05/12/2016 23:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IHateDailyMailJournos · 05/12/2016 23:11

I don't think your feelings are unusual. My lovely MIL was a bit overly gushy with my DC but she was well meaning so I had a word with myself and got over it. It was much easier with my own Mum as I could just tell her if she was being annoying. 😂

DixieNormas · 05/12/2016 23:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thinkingblonde · 05/12/2016 23:16

I looked after my gc when his mum went back to work when he was 8 months old, At first he used a travel cot but I struggled lifting him in and out of it so we asked his parents if they objected to us getting a cotbed, they said whatever makes life easier for us all. .

The room now has a bed for the Six year old and the cot bed is now infuse for the 17month. I have sometimes answered to mammy but immediately corrected myself and apologized to my daughter, she just laughs it off.

I have toys here, crockery, cutlery, night lights, spare P.J's, for unexpected sleepovers. My g's loves sleepovers here, and we love having him and his baby sister but we know we are not their parents.

StarUtopia · 05/12/2016 23:20

Haven't read all the replies.

But honestly. OP, I"m with you. I think it's weird. My mother obviously provides for the kids and make sure they're comfortable etc but she wouldn't redecorate or do a room specially in the same way that you do for your own child.

Although my MIL is totally batshit crazy and tried to do this for our child for overnight stays (whilst I was there I might add!) expecting me to sleep in another room whilst my baby slept with her. So that she could 'bond' with the baby!

It may be pfb but if it's alien to how you were raised (and i!) then you have every right to feel a bit weird about it. Personally, I would use a childminder - but you need to do this for both your mum and MIL - if you single MIL out then yes, YABU.

Paid professional care is always so much better.

DixieNormas · 05/12/2016 23:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lake2 · 06/12/2016 18:57

Sorry, but I also think the issue is with you. Are you worried he will prefer her and rather spend time there? You are his mum and always will be, it's not a competition.
She's spending a lot of time with him, that's why she took him out on reigns and wants a nice bed for him, etc. One day, I'm sure you'll want to be the same with your grandchild.
I think you are luckily having her and so is your son

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread