Is this domestic abuse?

[laura369]

I don't really know where to start and it's difficult for me to write this as its admitting there is a problem I guess. I'm not sure if this is abusive or if I'm being too sensitive to everything. I think maybe I've become desensitised to everything over the years. And also because we've been together so long maybe I think this is normal I'm just so confused.

I'm in my early 30s and have been with my partner for 10 years (he is 10 years older than me). Prior to that I had one relationship but he was an alcoholic although we loved each other very much.

When me and my partner got together he was never really that in to me and I think he was probably embarrassed to be with me as he could never admit that I was his girlfriend.

I fell pregnant with our first and he went off the rails and cheated on me with someone who he met on a stag weekend away. This went on throughout my pregnancy. Not ending it with me but not being with me either. Being a pregnant hormonal mess I accepted it at the time as I believed it was better than being on my own. He didn't want the baby and neither did his mum (only child and mummy's boy) and they did everything possible to try and get me to terminate the pregnancy... I stood my ground and didn't. I was however kicked out of the house and since then I do have my own place to live although I don't as he makes it hard for me to leave again. We have since had another baby who is still very little.

I guess things got worse from when we had kids. I can't pinpoint a specific event that springs to mind but I think I can only compile a list of things that he's done...

⁃	Loses his temper a lot at the most trivial things and takes it out on me and the kids. I'm normally to blame for everything that goes wrong in his life e.g. You've lost my sunglasses, you've broke this
⁃	Get called names numerous times a day the most favourite is fat c*t or fattie, fat fk, useless. It doesn't matter if it's in front of the kids or not he doesn't care
⁃	When we argue he says things like he wants to smash my face in or I could kill you. Last week shocked me (and probably prompted me to write this) when he told me to fk off and go and die. He's obviously said he didn't mean it as why would he want his kids without a mum
⁃	He doesn't necessarily hit but he has shoved me, tapped me on the head, pushed me... But then I retaliate. Once we were having a row and I was stood near the door frame but he slammed the door and it hit my arm really hard causing me a bruise. Although I don't think he intentionally meant to do this. Another time he pushed me down on the bed with my face and hurt my nose. And another time was pretending to stab me with a fork. 
⁃	He constantly puts me down - fat, useless, don't do anything around the house, lazy but he does absolutely nothing at all
⁃	He doesn't talk to me much and spends pretty much every weekend out with his mates getting drunk or going away to new cities. After he finishes work he normally goes to our neighbours and watches football all the while moaning if he hasn't got a dinner on the table
⁃	He doesn't help with childcare at all. If I've asked him to watch the kids then he will phone his mum up to come round and look after them so he can sleep in. In fact he's never once gotten up with the kids or looked after them by himself. If I say I need to go to work then he just says oh well.
⁃	He confuses me by saying that I need to work to put into the pot but then when I do work/uni apparently it's affecting his life too much (like not having a dinner on the table) and I'm doing it for me and I enjoy it.
⁃	He never compliments or if he does it's normally backhanded like yeah you're intelligent but you could lose some weight. He's not affectionate and has never given me a cuddle out the blue and doesn't kiss me unless we are in bed
⁃	Every tiny thing he does do he expects a reward like a sexual favour. And reckons I owe him so many bw js (which I detest)
⁃	He thinks it's ok to go and have a w**k during the day whilst I'm downstairs looking after the kids because he doesn't understand that I can't just drop everything to go and look after his needs
⁃	I can't bare to be near him at the moment and he constantly goes on about sex. He says he doesn't know why he's with me as he doesn't get any thing (sex wise) out of it so in the end I just do it to shut him up for a few days. But it's constant and he asks numerous times a day. He doesn't get that asking at 2am is out of order when I have to be up at 6am to go to work. If I refuse he makes me feel guilty.
⁃	When we do have sex he thinks it's normal to not bother undressing me, normal to watch porn on his iPad with his headphones in whilst we do stuff. I've told him I don't like it. He also pesters me repeatedly about having a threesome which I don't want
⁃	Once when we had an argument he pinned me to the bed and said he was going to have sex with me whether I liked it or not. I couldn't tell if he was joking or not but he did scare me a little as he wouldn't let me go 
⁃	He is completely unreliable and everything has to be on his terms. He doesn't like people telling him or asking him to do something and if they do he wouldn't do it just to prove a point. His time keeping is terrible and I think he likes keeping me waiting around knowing it's hard to look after the kids
⁃	Due to his previous affair I don't think I particularly trust him that much. He knows how I feel about the place he went to when I was pregnant and met someone there yet he is going on another stag do to the same place in a few months. I asked him not to go but he booked it anyway and told me he would do what he pleased
⁃	He has had a gambling problem in the past and if he loses he takes it out me and the kids and is grumpy for days. Obviously it's my fault he lost.
⁃	He has on the odd occasion taken drugs on a night out and bought them back home with him knowing full well the kids are in the house. When I've said I don't want them in the house he makes me feel like I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill
⁃	He is a terrible driver and drives too fast for my liking. When I ask him to slow down it normally results in a row as I'm nagging him and he drives faster to scare me
⁃	He has spent money on my card without my consent before.
⁃	He swears every sentence when he is around the kids it doesn't make a difference to him. He has sworn at the kids and told them to shut the f up, told eldest he would hurt him if he continued to wind him up, told him he would smash his face in...
⁃	He has pushed our son before and sent him half way across the room and slapped him around the head
⁃	When ever I say I'm leaving and pack our stuff he stops me from going by hiding my car keys or once he locked me in the garden so I couldn't get out
⁃	The night I went into labour with my second he had gone out to the pub with his mates. I told him I thought things were starting and he refused to come home. The day I had our son he was hung over and kept telling me I was t in labour and refused to take our other child to nursery. I therefore took him myself whilst in labour. I had the baby two hours later.

I know this all sounds terrible now I'm writing it down and reading it and I feel awful but I feel really trapped. I'm currently at uni doing a degree and I rely heavily on his mum for childcare as my course involves shift works that don't fit around nursery hours. If I leave it is unlikely she would help and I would probably have to give up my course. It is something I really want to complete so that I can provide a better future for my kids but I am still 10 months away from qualifying.

I haven't spoken to anyone else about this and I wouldn't dare tell my parents or family as I'm supposed to be this strong independent woman and admitting there's a problem seems like admitting I failed at being a girlfriend and mum by not keeping my family together.

I'm not sure what to think is this abuse? How do I get out of it? Am I being selfish for wanting to finish my course. If I admit there is a problem what will they do... Will they take my kids away?

Yes this is abuse, through and through.

I hope you find a way out OP. You and your DC don't deserve to be in this kind of environment.

I only read the first paragraph I'm afraid, because that was enough to tell me this is an abusive relationship.

I would be very surprised that your family would be shocked by any of this-unless they spend zero time with either of you.

You say you have your own place to live in after they kicked you out when you were pregnant? Whose house are you in now?

Yes this is abuse, he is a horrible piece of work. Get out as soon as you can. Please tell someone, friend or family, I really don't think they will be as surprised as you expect.

You need to leave, he's incredibly abusive and you don't want your children witnessing the way he behaves towards you. It isn't normal. Can you speak to your uni about what's going on, defer your course or make other (child friendly) arrangements with your placements?

Could you confide in your family? I'm sure they would be horrified at the way he's treating you and you are absolutely not a failure - you're not the one who is at fault here.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you, you and your dc absolutely deserve better xxx

This is abusive, and you shouldn't have to tolerate it.

Jesus mate. I got to #2 on the list. I am horrified at how long your list is. He's an absolute utter through-and-through abuser.

So as well as abusing you, emotionally, physically, sexually and financially, he is also abusing your children. Both directly (violence and threats of violence) and through their witnessing his treatment of you.

It doesn't seem like he's ever even liked you, never mind loved you. Never loved your children or done anything for them. Is this what your childhood was like as well? Because it really, truly isn't normal, it's fucking appalling.

It sounds as if you have somewhere else to live? I wasn't sure what since then I do have my own place to live although I don't as he makes it hard for me to leave again meant. You have somewhere but you don't live there, because he essentially won't let you leave?

First thing I would do is talk to your course tutor and explain that you need to flee from domestic abuse, is there any way to carry credits over for the work you've already done on the course. At least find out what your situation is there.

Then I would talk to Women's Aid about how they can help you get to a place of safety. If you are failing at all, it's by not protecting your children and yourself. You have been trained not to do that, but you are looking in the wrong direction if you think failure will be leaving this dreadful human being.

He is appalling and th description of his behaviour towards you and your children has made me feel sick. He is an abuser through and though.

Please talk to someone in rl be it women's aid your course tutor or friends to help and support you make plans to get away from this horrible cunt of a man. And ring the police if he so much as raises a hand to you or your children in the meantime and get the bastard locked up

Yes I have a separate place but he would make it impossible to leave. As mentioned above he locked me in the garden on one occasion as if packed and was ready to go. I feel trapped. Like even if I wanted to leave he'd find a way to stop me.

I feel bad because even though all this crap is going on there are times when he is just great and we have some lovely holidays etc.

I don't know if his own personal experience of life made him like it but do you think he can be helped to change? His dad died young and he's an only child. He is a very angry person. I think if he sorted his temper out, his gambling problem and he had other methods of disciplining kids he might not be so bad

Do you think it's worth risking your children's lives to find out if he could be 'helped' to change? Why do you imagine there is anything you could do to help him? If you could, you have all the incentive in the world to have done it already.

He cannot hold you prisoner (assuming you are not in a small number of countries in the Middle East, anyway). When he locked you in the garden you could have called the police. When you want to leave, the police are your best hope to ensure you all make it out of there in one piece.

Your bf sounds exactly like my ex. I was literally reading through your list, and with the exception of a few, it could be the same person. My ex brutalised me and that is what is happening to you.

You most certainly are being abused; physically, emotionally, sexually, financially.

My ex's parents, especially his mum, can se e no wrong in him and backs him to the end. I too did not tell my family for a long time, as I also felt ashamed that I had allowed myself to be treated that way.

I was living in a house which had the £20,000 deposit paid for by his parents so felt incredibly trapped. I was just finishing my uni course too. I was told by him and his parents that if I applied for csa then they would not assist with childcare to all ow me to finish my course or work.

I only managed to get myself out of the hole by telling my family and friends. It is 100 times more difficult to free yourself and your children from a controlling abuser when you haven't got support. You have nothing to be ashamed of - he is the one who should be ashamed!

I am now married and so happy with my dh. He is everything and more that my ex wasn't, and he treats me with complete respect.

My dd no longer sees her dad as I got him arrested in the summer for backhanding her across the face while he was driving. My dd is now in counselling for the years of abuse she suffered at his hands - mostly emotional abuse, which I didn't know about. I feel like a fool looking back on it now, but I truly believed he would not do to my dd what he done to me, but he did.

You cansee with your own eyes how he is treating your children and what they witness. You have to begin taking steps to leave him. You must speak to your family. If you have to defer uni for a year while you sort out your life then that's what you have to do.

I was shocked reading through your list of abuse, even though I've been through very similar. It sometimes takes seeing or hearing about others to make you realise. When you are in the situation you don't fully see it for what it is. I'm not saying you will be the same, but in my case about 6 months after I left I needed counselling as it was only when I had stepped away from the situation that it actually hit me. When I was living through it I just got through each day at a time, but once on the outside it absolutely floored me.

Absolutely best of luck to you

I started a thread on what happened to my daughter, and got the most amazing advice on here. I was not strong inside but reading everyone's replies and having the support on here made me stronger.

I feel emotional reading this as this was me 7/8 years ago. I was ashamed to leave as we were engaged and it had been my 2nd engagement so didn't want the public embarrassment but screw that!

It will be tough and it will without a doubt be the hardest thing you'll do but you must protect yourself and your children.

Hi Duckwalk.

Can you tell me what you did in terms of your uni degree, csa and childcare?

OP the fact that you are making excuses for him and hoping he can change just shows what a hold he has over you. A few minutes happiness here and there do not make up for the appalling treatment you have had.
His issues are his issues. It's not your responsibility to make him a better person. It's not fair on you or your children to stick around and hope that things will improve whilst he is treating all of you like shit.
Please talk to someone - a friend, your mum, someone at uni, Women's Aid. I get the feeling you think it's impossible to leave - it isn't, and there are people who can help you.

Yes this is abuse. He is abusing you and your children. You definitely need to leave. There is help out there for you.
No you can't change him.
Do you have a course leader/tutor you can talk to about your situation and how to finish your course if you leave? (and I really really hope you do leave) If you've only got 10 months to go they may be able to be flexible with when you take your exams ie. the following January instead of next June, or let you study at times which suit you etc.
I wish you luck. No one deserves to be treated the way your husband is treating you.

Try and get yourself a copy of 'why does he do that?' by Lundy Bancroft. I think you'll find it really helpful in working through your feelings and concerns. None of this is your fault. You and your children will be so much happier without him. Honestly. You deserve so much more than this. Yes he absolutely is abusive and he has behaved in ways completely typical of abusive men.

Because of my own family circumstances I didn't have any practical help outwith my ex and his family. I haven't got my mum and my dad and dsis work full-time, so I may not be the best person to advise.

My ex and his family said they'd only help me if I didn't apply for csa. It was a nursing degree so I spent most of my time on placement in the wards with really unsociable shift patterns...leaving for work at 6am and not getting home until 8pm so I needed a lot of help. I got my degree, started earning then promptly applied for what my dd was entitled to.

If I'd had more practical support or if I was able to get my degree within nursery or school hours then I'd have told them to bugger off but I knew it was a means to an end and sacrificing a bit of dignity for a short time would be worth it in the long run.

If you have any type of option then grab it with both hands. You are definitely not being selfish for putting yourself through further education to better yourself and provide for your kids.

OP you need to run for the hills and never look back. Speak to your tutors about putting things on hold until you are settled. This man is abusing you in every conceivable way and you and your children deserve so much better. I'm truly sickened by him. He is setting the most diabolical example for your kids as to how a relationship should look and feel. Please please seek help and get away from this man

I didn't even read most of that and I know it's an abusive relationship. You need to call women's aid and get help getting out. The
Police can keep him away from you and the kids if he is abusive.

Wow. Extremely, EXTREMELY abusive.

You need to get out sweetheart. You know this. It's no place for kids to be raised :(

You need to leave him as soon as possible. Like others have said, he's abusing you and your children. You all deserve better than that. What a wicked man. Can you speak to Womens Aid for advice in the first instance?

Sending you lots of strength

OP. I am not one to say ltb but you need to get out, if not for your sake (though that too)then for the sake of your dc who clearly suffer abuse at his hand too.

There is no good reason to put up with any of that, and it will only get worse, so to protect everyone, you need to go . Even if you don't feel strong you have to protect your children or no one else will.

You sound down trodden and I really think if you get out you'll grow strong again.

I'm currently at uni doing a degree and I rely heavily on his mum for childcare as my course involves shift works that don't fit around nursery hours. If I leave, it is unlikely she would help That's sad to hear. Why do you think she would stop providing childcare, aren't they her grandchildren? Does your university have a creche?

Admitting there's a problem seems like admitting I failed I promise you; none of us is thinking this and the opinion of anyone who does think that is honestly not worth listening to.

is this abuse? Yes.
Am I being selfish for wanting to finish my course? No, you must never think that. You are putting your children first and want a better life for them.

How do I get out of it? Will they take my kids away? Other Mumsnet users have more experience on this topic and will advise you, or advise you where to find advice, e.g. Women's Aid, police.

Good luck. If you leave him, you will be doing the right thing. I think you know this already.