I don't really know where to start and it's difficult for me to write this as its admitting there is a problem I guess. I'm not sure if this is abusive or if I'm being too sensitive to everything. I think maybe I've become desensitised to everything over the years. And also because we've been together so long maybe I think this is normal I'm just so confused.
I'm in my early 30s and have been with my partner for 10 years (he is 10 years older than me). Prior to that I had one relationship but he was an alcoholic although we loved each other very much.
When me and my partner got together he was never really that in to me and I think he was probably embarrassed to be with me as he could never admit that I was his girlfriend.
I fell pregnant with our first and he went off the rails and cheated on me with someone who he met on a stag weekend away. This went on throughout my pregnancy. Not ending it with me but not being with me either. Being a pregnant hormonal mess I accepted it at the time as I believed it was better than being on my own. He didn't want the baby and neither did his mum (only child and mummy's boy) and they did everything possible to try and get me to terminate the pregnancy... I stood my ground and didn't. I was however kicked out of the house and since then I do have my own place to live although I don't as he makes it hard for me to leave again. We have since had another baby who is still very little.
I guess things got worse from when we had kids. I can't pinpoint a specific event that springs to mind but I think I can only compile a list of things that he's done...
⁃ Loses his temper a lot at the most trivial things and takes it out on me and the kids. I'm normally to blame for everything that goes wrong in his life e.g. You've lost my sunglasses, you've broke this
⁃ Get called names numerous times a day the most favourite is fat c*t or fattie, fat fk, useless. It doesn't matter if it's in front of the kids or not he doesn't care
⁃ When we argue he says things like he wants to smash my face in or I could kill you. Last week shocked me (and probably prompted me to write this) when he told me to fk off and go and die. He's obviously said he didn't mean it as why would he want his kids without a mum
⁃ He doesn't necessarily hit but he has shoved me, tapped me on the head, pushed me... But then I retaliate. Once we were having a row and I was stood near the door frame but he slammed the door and it hit my arm really hard causing me a bruise. Although I don't think he intentionally meant to do this. Another time he pushed me down on the bed with my face and hurt my nose. And another time was pretending to stab me with a fork.
⁃ He constantly puts me down - fat, useless, don't do anything around the house, lazy but he does absolutely nothing at all
⁃ He doesn't talk to me much and spends pretty much every weekend out with his mates getting drunk or going away to new cities. After he finishes work he normally goes to our neighbours and watches football all the while moaning if he hasn't got a dinner on the table
⁃ He doesn't help with childcare at all. If I've asked him to watch the kids then he will phone his mum up to come round and look after them so he can sleep in. In fact he's never once gotten up with the kids or looked after them by himself. If I say I need to go to work then he just says oh well.
⁃ He confuses me by saying that I need to work to put into the pot but then when I do work/uni apparently it's affecting his life too much (like not having a dinner on the table) and I'm doing it for me and I enjoy it.
⁃ He never compliments or if he does it's normally backhanded like yeah you're intelligent but you could lose some weight. He's not affectionate and has never given me a cuddle out the blue and doesn't kiss me unless we are in bed
⁃ Every tiny thing he does do he expects a reward like a sexual favour. And reckons I owe him so many bw js (which I detest)
⁃ He thinks it's ok to go and have a w**k during the day whilst I'm downstairs looking after the kids because he doesn't understand that I can't just drop everything to go and look after his needs
⁃ I can't bare to be near him at the moment and he constantly goes on about sex. He says he doesn't know why he's with me as he doesn't get any thing (sex wise) out of it so in the end I just do it to shut him up for a few days. But it's constant and he asks numerous times a day. He doesn't get that asking at 2am is out of order when I have to be up at 6am to go to work. If I refuse he makes me feel guilty.
⁃ When we do have sex he thinks it's normal to not bother undressing me, normal to watch porn on his iPad with his headphones in whilst we do stuff. I've told him I don't like it. He also pesters me repeatedly about having a threesome which I don't want
⁃ Once when we had an argument he pinned me to the bed and said he was going to have sex with me whether I liked it or not. I couldn't tell if he was joking or not but he did scare me a little as he wouldn't let me go
⁃ He is completely unreliable and everything has to be on his terms. He doesn't like people telling him or asking him to do something and if they do he wouldn't do it just to prove a point. His time keeping is terrible and I think he likes keeping me waiting around knowing it's hard to look after the kids
⁃ Due to his previous affair I don't think I particularly trust him that much. He knows how I feel about the place he went to when I was pregnant and met someone there yet he is going on another stag do to the same place in a few months. I asked him not to go but he booked it anyway and told me he would do what he pleased
⁃ He has had a gambling problem in the past and if he loses he takes it out me and the kids and is grumpy for days. Obviously it's my fault he lost.
⁃ He has on the odd occasion taken drugs on a night out and bought them back home with him knowing full well the kids are in the house. When I've said I don't want them in the house he makes me feel like I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill
⁃ He is a terrible driver and drives too fast for my liking. When I ask him to slow down it normally results in a row as I'm nagging him and he drives faster to scare me
⁃ He has spent money on my card without my consent before.
⁃ He swears every sentence when he is around the kids it doesn't make a difference to him. He has sworn at the kids and told them to shut the f up, told eldest he would hurt him if he continued to wind him up, told him he would smash his face in...
⁃ He has pushed our son before and sent him half way across the room and slapped him around the head
⁃ When ever I say I'm leaving and pack our stuff he stops me from going by hiding my car keys or once he locked me in the garden so I couldn't get out
⁃ The night I went into labour with my second he had gone out to the pub with his mates. I told him I thought things were starting and he refused to come home. The day I had our son he was hung over and kept telling me I was t in labour and refused to take our other child to nursery. I therefore took him myself whilst in labour. I had the baby two hours later.
I know this all sounds terrible now I'm writing it down and reading it and I feel awful but I feel really trapped. I'm currently at uni doing a degree and I rely heavily on his mum for childcare as my course involves shift works that don't fit around nursery hours. If I leave it is unlikely she would help and I would probably have to give up my course. It is something I really want to complete so that I can provide a better future for my kids but I am still 10 months away from qualifying.
I haven't spoken to anyone else about this and I wouldn't dare tell my parents or family as I'm supposed to be this strong independent woman and admitting there's a problem seems like admitting I failed at being a girlfriend and mum by not keeping my family together.
I'm not sure what to think is this abuse? How do I get out of it? Am I being selfish for wanting to finish my course. If I admit there is a problem what will they do... Will they take my kids away?