To move kids abroad to a country you dislike...

[Lake2]

Hi all,
I've changed my name for obvious reasons.
My husband is Norwegian and has lived here 10 years and had a good job. We have a toddler and a 4 year old.
I'm happy here, although we barely have any family as my parents also live abroad. However, DH has been recently made redundant and has now got a new job in Norway, which he is loving. Up to now, he's been coming back for weekend visits once or twice a month. This is obviously very upsetting for our little family as he is constantly leaving and it takes us a few days to settle back into our routine and to 'get used' to not having him around.

This was meant to be a short term plan until he found work in the U.K...he has now sprung it on me that he wants to stay there and wants me and the kids to move there.
For any possible Norwegians, I don't mean to offend, but I just really don't like Norway. The culture/weather/lifestyle/people/language is very different to here in the U.K. I don't speak a word of Norwegian and neither do my children. Our 4 year old has recently started a very good school and feeling settled.
Being apart it obviously no good for our family but I feel that tearing my kids away from a place they know and going to a foreign speaking country is just awful. Every time I'm in Norway, I feel extremely isolated and homesick and just can't wait to get home. DH arguing that we could have a better life there etc etc but just the thought makes me feel sick.
As of now, he's unwilling to leave his new job in Norway and not backing down.
WWYD?

Dp wants to live in Norway, you want to live here.

You both agreed to live here, your dc are settled here, you hate Norway and don't want to move there, you don't speak norwegian and therefore couldn't work there, you think you'd be miserable and unhappy there, there would be massive upheaval for your dcs and your dh has been absolutely fine living here for ages.

Not sure I'm seeing where this is such a huge conundrum...

I couldn't earn enough to the main earner, unfortunately. He was on a very good salary before losing his job and finding it hard to find that kind of wage again, hence his frustration. We don't own a house here which would make it harder to come back as wouldn't have anything to fall back on.
He's from a very well off family there and keeps saying how he's not happy with our 'mediocre' life here, etc.
He said yesterday that if I refuse to go he will divorce me. He's taken that back today but it's worried me even more.

If he's saying that, even when taking it back again, I'd be very, very hesitant at moving over there for the getting stranded readings upthread.

Babyganoush, that great that you are so settled here I had no idea that Europeans would now have to apply for citizenship!!

Ah, that is a crappy thing to say , he is putting undue pressure on you

Is your relationship normally good?

Exactly, twoleftsocks. We've been together a really long time but throwing threats around like that makes me even more concerned about how hard he would make it for me to return to the UK if I hated it

Yea, our relationship is usually great. Him being away has just put a massive strain on everything

Lake2, I don't have to apply for citizenship... yet, but it is a long process and who knows what will happen. May as well get started.

If DH dies/divorced me and my kids are grown up...who knows? What if companies are put under pressure to employ "British first" (they already ask for lists!) ....I like to get my ducks in a row in time!

OP, could you spend the holidays in Norway? That is about 13 weeks of the year (still thinking how fab 6 weeks in summer in Norway would be)

If he's already mentioned the D word I would say your relationship is in a lot of trouble .

Can you try it for a month over Christmas for example? And see if you can rebuild your relationship? Don't give up anything here until you are sure...

Are you working at the moment? Could you go over for a long stay over the summer holidays to see what you think of it if you are there a bit longer without committing to anything? If you are working, with two kids i think you'd be entitled to up to 8 weeks unpaid parental leave so you could look at doing that?

Another option would be for your OH to keep coming over for weekends, but you to go over every school holiday - again using leave plus parental leave if needed. It's what my parents did when my Mum didn't want to stay abroad, and it did work for quite a while. It might feel like more of a compromise to your OH?

I think there are a few things to decide.

1. Are you happy in a distance relationship?

It seems not.

1. Does your husband want to come back to the UK?

It seems not.

1. Would you/he consider a third country, together?

If so, you have a way forward.
If not, you either need to go to Norway and risk your own happiness.
Or divorce.

Which is the best option? Part-time, full time in N, full time in Another Place, or on your own with the kids where you want to be, and maybe meet someone else in the future.

My sister was in the exact same situation. -exactly the same (in fact)

The children have remained very much half and half. They speak both languages fluently and are actually quite English in their ways.

Going abroad will not make you dissolve - actually it will give an amazing advantage to your children.

I speak from experience also. I lived in my Husband'd country for seven years. The children easily slipped back to a British way of life...because I am English!

Your main problem is that your Husband doesn't appear to be hearing you at all.

Most of your concerns could be made much better if he helped you a little.

You are quite welcome to PM me , for a more detailed response.

I wouldn't go, for the reasons detailed by pp. Your dh knew the score before you married.

In my case, dh has worked abroad for years, off and on. You do find a way to make it work, if both parties are willing.

Now that he's thrown that out, about divorce, you'd be crazy to move there with him. If he divorced you there, you wouldn't be able to leave.

I mean you wouldn't be able to leave with the children, I mean.

Please don't go op. You matter too and this wasn't part of the deal. Don't sacrifice yourself for your husband.

Throwing out the d word would seriously worry me. I would probably prefer him to be a weekend husband to be honest. He's obviously slotted back in at home, can see what he thinks is a better quality of life and wants you to go. I don't see how things will work if you utterly hate the country. And for some people certain countries don't work for them. Your obviously not adverse to them being abroad but just sounds like Norway isn't for you.

I think your idea of what your dcs will do as teenagers is very strongly skewed by that blog.
My dcs are British and French. They have never lived in France but are fluent in French, we speak French all the time and considere themselves French as well as British.
I'm not sure that they consider France to be 'their' country, whatever that might mean, but they are French too.

Is it always easy to acheive that? Nope it's hard work and requires a lot of investment, time and financial and effort wise.

But then, if your DH was saying he feels bad that his dcs don't feel Norwegian too, would you accept that and would you help him ensure they do feel Norwegian too? By learning the language, ensuring that they can read in Norwegian, watch program from there etc etc??

The divorce thing sends alarm bells for me. I wouldn't go anywhere with that sort of threats going on. No point talking about a timeline, going back in two years if you haven't settled etc... he won't listen and will go for a divorce. Even if just now, he says he didn't quite mean it.

But I have to say, I think there is a lot you can do to make your own DH feel at home in the U.K., make feel like he isn't completely cut ut of his own family etc... At the moment, it's all about you, the dcs being British being the most important with very little about how yu canalso ensure they feel Norwegian too, they speak the language etc...

I say that as an eu citizen in the U.K. I'm in the same place than your DH and my DH will NOT move to my country.
There is no way that w Utd be workable if he wasn't supportive of me raising our dcs as half British, half French. Supportive of them speaking French at home (and that means often him not following the conversation because in 14 years he still hasn't made the effort to learn French...). Supportive of us going back to France on a regular basis etc etc.
To make a successful marriage with a bi national relationship, everyone needs to make an effort and I haven't hear anything like this from you, bar going back once or twice a year to his family and hating it :(

I have a lot of sympathy- I lived in Stockholm and hated it, but a lot of that was me rather than the city, I had pnd whilst there and even before we left the fog was lifting and I reckon we could have been very happy there (it was a short term contract)
Put one side your language concerns. I also went with a 4 and 2 yo and they were 'functionally fluent' within weeks. Literally. It was quite astonishing to see them bickering and giggling with their peers while I was still unpacking!

Great post anewstartoverseas

And yes I'll repeat again.

With Brexit, be very careful about going to another EU country. Atm, you can all come back whenever you want. Nothing is telling you will be able to in a couple of years time.
Which is why the first step I would be looking for is for him to get the British citizenship so you can chose where to live in two years time (Be careful of what are the immigration laws in Norway too. You might not be able to stay after Brexit either)

If he's already mentioning divorce, I'd really strongly advise you not to go.

The posters suggesting you give it a try are being ridiculous tbh. If you move there, even for a few months, your children will be ordinarily resident in Norway and your DH can prevent you leaving with them. There's no way I'd take that risk, even if everything else in the relationship was great.