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Original poster

To move kids abroad to a country you dislike...

103 replies

Lake2 · 24/10/2016 15:09

Hi all,
I've changed my name for obvious reasons.
My husband is Norwegian and has lived here 10 years and had a good job. We have a toddler and a 4 year old.
I'm happy here, although we barely have any family as my parents also live abroad. However, DH has been recently made redundant and has now got a new job in Norway, which he is loving. Up to now, he's been coming back for weekend visits once or twice a month. This is obviously very upsetting for our little family as he is constantly leaving and it takes us a few days to settle back into our routine and to 'get used' to not having him around.

This was meant to be a short term plan until he found work in the U.K...he has now sprung it on me that he wants to stay there and wants me and the kids to move there.
For any possible Norwegians, I don't mean to offend, but I just really don't like Norway. The culture/weather/lifestyle/people/language is very different to here in the U.K. I don't speak a word of Norwegian and neither do my children. Our 4 year old has recently started a very good school and feeling settled.
Being apart it obviously no good for our family but I feel that tearing my kids away from a place they know and going to a foreign speaking country is just awful. Every time I'm in Norway, I feel extremely isolated and homesick and just can't wait to get home. DH arguing that we could have a better life there etc etc but just the thought makes me feel sick.
As of now, he's unwilling to leave his new job in Norway and not backing down.
WWYD?

OP posts:

OlennasWimple · 24/10/2016 16:26

the age that your kids are, I think you need to get over the worry about them not adjusting. Honestly, they will - more so than if they were older.

I can see this from both sides: although he knew you didn't want to ever live in Norway, he never expected to get made redundant then find a new job back home. He possibly appreciates the family network he has there more now that he has his own DC. On the other hand, you made it clear that you didn't want to live out there from the get go, so you are being consistent - and most of your fears (cost of living etc) are well-founded.

I guess the question is whether you are prepared to divorce DH and bring up the DC in the UK rather than move? Or would he move back rather than face that prospect?

ANewStartOverseas · 24/10/2016 16:26

Re the move itself I want to add another dimension to it.
Britain is in the process of going out of the EU. What would happen if you are in Norway and then he can't be get back to the uk because the immigration rules have changed?

oldlaundbooth · 24/10/2016 16:30

But you could argue the other perspective, from her DH's point of view. He's now stuck in the UK. Maybe he hates it too and hates his kids growing up English etc.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families

ANewStartOverseas · 24/10/2016 16:31

YY anoutbthe fact he probably really enjoys being back in his own country. Even after that length of time, going back IS very nice and much easier than living in another country.
The children would have some family around thatvrhey don't have in Britain (nor his family, nor yours).
In some ways, fur the dcs, they would probably get a better deal.

But the issue here isn't that. It's the fact you don't want to go there.
And that sort of decision has to be made together, not forced on you.

When is he coming back so you can have a chat?

Msqueen33 · 24/10/2016 16:31

I'm sure there was a poster on here fairly recently who had moved with her dh and kids and was desperate to come home and was miserable.

I can understand your reluctance especially when you told your dh right at the start you didn't want to ever move to Norway. I love my kids and yes I love giving them as many experiences as possible but not necessarily to the detriment to myself. I'd also worry that my dh would refuse to come home even if we agree on a timeframe. I feel for your dh also as he is obviously happy to be at home and in a place he's happy in.

I'd say if you find two weeks too much and you genuinely seem quite miserable at the thought of going I think you could be quite miserable living there and you'd end up resenting your dh.

user1474627704 · 24/10/2016 16:34

But you could argue the other perspective, from her DH's point of view. He's now stuck in the UK. Maybe he hates it too and hates his kids growing up English etc

You couldn't argue that, since that is what he agreed to before they got married and had children, which is not the same thing as being forced into after the fact.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 24/10/2016 16:35

But you could argue the other perspective, from her DH's point of view. He's now stuck in the UK. Maybe he hates it too and hates his kids growing up English etc.

Exactly

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 24/10/2016 16:36

You couldn't argue that, since that is what he agreed to before they got married and had children, which is not the same thing as being forced into after the fact.

No, it seems the OP doesn't want them to be 'foreign'.

Original poster

Lake2 · 24/10/2016 16:36

About my 'foreign' comment so I don't seem like a racist idiot. I know my kids are half Norwegian and don't resent that at all. I love my Norwegian husband and his family are lovely. What I mean is, they will consider themselves Norwegian. As older children, they will answer me back in Norwegian, be cheeky in Norwegian. A lady who writes a blog I folllow has this problem; her teenagers are rude to her in Norwegian and she has go to find out what it means. My youngest might even stop speaking English to me at all, at least for a while.
They won't have the same comforts I do, won't feel love for the same places, won't feel like Britain is home.
My family emigrated when I was young and I chose to come back here...my siblings didn't. They are 'foreign'...they speak in a different accent, prefer different foods and lifestyles and never want to come back here, except for a fleeting visit. I would be hard for me to come to terms with my children feeling like this about where they were born. Having my grandchildren call me Farmor instead of Nana. That's what I mean by foreign

OP posts:

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 24/10/2016 16:39

You have to accept OP, that your DC could do that anyway.

They are half Norwegian. What if they decide to study there, or emigrate themselves?

FourToTheFloor · 24/10/2016 16:42

No. I think it's sneaky of your dh to now say he's not coming back. Then ask him for a divorce and see if that can clear his vision a bit.

Both dh and I are not from the UK. If he did this to me without consideration it would be the end of our marriage as I wouldn't be able to trust him.

Do not go.

user1474627704 · 24/10/2016 16:42

Don't be obtuse, its very clear what the OP is saying. And she has a good point.

But none of that matters anyway: OP's husband is trying to force her to move to a country that she does not want to go to. That she told him a long time ago that she did not want to go to.

The rest of it really doesn't matter. Is anyone here actually suggesting that this woman should emigrate against her wishes just because her husband wants her to?

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 24/10/2016 16:48

Don't be obtuse, its very clear what the OP is saying

If that is to me. I'm not being 'obtuse' as you put it.

Pointing out fact.

OP can't force him to be in the UK anymore than he can force her to go to Norway.

Prehaps he doesn't want to be in the UK anymore.

A frank discussion needs to be had between the two of them.

Zaurak · 24/10/2016 16:49

They are half Norwegian. What if they decide to study there, or emigrate themselves

They can make that call when they are adults.

Op, they are half Norwegian and You should make sure they are in touch with that half of their heritage. But for the love of god don't move them there unless you are absolutely 100% sure you want to stay long term.

As I said previously there are several women on this FB group I'm on who are in this exact position - all moved and weren't sure, all have broken down relationships, most divorced, all struggling for work. Often the in laws close ranks and they end up earning very little and having the kids half the week.

This is a huge life decision- such choices are made after extensive discussion with both parties, not by one party alone.

Don't go.

user1474627704 · 24/10/2016 16:51

Prehaps he doesn't want to be in the UK anymore

He isn't, he lives in Norway. Did you not understand the premise of the post?

Trumpette · 24/10/2016 16:53

Hello

You have my empathy as we have experienced something very similar where my husband worked away for the week and then commuted home at the weekends. His job is very specialist and he has been offered to move abroad a few times. I have always resisted and we have done the working away for five years. This has recently come to an end as he has found a job nearer home. The reason I tell you so much detail is to help you see what my experience has been!!

It has been very hard with him not being around, for the children, but mainly for me. My kids are 11 and nine now but this started when my eldest was five.

We have survived but try to weigh up the life you want. I never wanted to live in the USA, so I declined the offer. I know my husband would have gone if I had agreed. Visualise the life you want (it sounds like you already have). You have choices and opinions too! Many people told me that the kids would adapt, the life would be better (money/lifestyle etc) but whatever anyone told me I could not be convinced. Trust he advice of people you trust as quite often people will offer lots on unsolicited stuff (I guess you are happy receiving information from strangers hence Mumsnet!). Of course the kids will adapt,of course you would survive but actually
It is whether you want too. I was concerned that one we got the he kids would settle and I would never be able to return 'home' to the UK. ITS YOUR LIFE TOO! Good luck. It may not seem like it now but it will all work out.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 24/10/2016 16:56

He isn't, he lives in Norway. Did you not understand the premise of the post?

Are you being deliberately goady?

user1474627704 · 24/10/2016 16:56

nope, just helping you to understand. You seemed to have missed the main point.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 24/10/2016 16:57

Not missed the point thank you.

Original poster

Lake2 · 24/10/2016 16:58

Thanks for the input, everyone. He's not back for another 2 weeks, but I suspect we have an awful lot to talk about.
He says there are no jobs here in his field of work but I know that is very untrue as I've been looking. It's just that he doesn't want them

OP posts:

TwoLeftSocks · 24/10/2016 17:02

OP, would you be able to look for a job and be the main earner for the two of you in the UK? Then maybe you could go for regular holidays to Norway of he's missing it lots.

LIZS · 24/10/2016 17:02

Tbh I think you are, to an extent at least, projecting onto your children. You are making excuses on the children's behalf re. Education , language and settling yet this is probably the most opportune time for them to relocate. It is their culture, their language as much as English. How long had your dh lived in uk and how did this opportunity come about? Is it worth you trying the lifestyle, with all that family support nearby, to maintain harmony. If you can also work it will help your own integration and language skills which I suspect are at the heart of your worries. Could you agree a trial period, go for an extended holiday or fixed term. Presumably you could rent there do you don't need to sell up here just yet.

Msqueen33 · 24/10/2016 17:06

I think if you know there are jobs and he's saying there isn't is a clear indicator that he doesn't particularly want to come back. You need a frank discussion. I'm awful with languages and if we moved to another country I know i would struggle to pick up the language and I'd probably dislike that my children spoke back to me in a language I couldn't understand.

You can explore hertitage through holidays.

Good luck op.

iPost · 24/10/2016 17:06

I understand what you mean about the foreign thing.

i'm raising a mini (well, not so mini anymore) Italian. I really didn't want him to grow up so exclusively Italian that he perceived me as a foreigner. Albeit a loved and close one.

It's been bloody hard work this bicultural/bilingual kid raising thing. And it has taken a shed load of compromise on DH's part as well, to make sure my side of things didn't get sidelined, or overwhelmed by the norms and conformities over here.

BabyGanoush · 24/10/2016 17:07

What a shame you don't like Norway, it is one of my favourite countries (though have never lived there).

Can't you try for a year or 2? It's an easy language to learn.

FWIW, I am Scandi/Dutch and never liked the UK, thought it would be boring and full of excentric weirdo's drinking tea and talking about the glory days of the Empire...

Moved here to give it a try, totally converted and a total Anglophile now .

We moved when kids were 3/6, they adapted quickly, but yes, they integrated so quickly and successfully they are English now. Only their name and passports are "foreign" now.

Weirdly, I am not sad about that.

Saying that, DH says he'd happily move to my birth country ... but I prefer it here now (though Brexit was a bit of a kick in the teeth, tbh , I will now need to aply for British citizenship which is weird)

Keep talking to your DH, I hope you can work it out.

FWIW summer holidays in Norway are the best (if you are an outdoorsy family), and your kids will be ski-whizzes (they learn at school!)

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