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Original poster

My friend took my child's dummy from him

125 replies

Loz1982 · 20/08/2015 17:53

Hello Ladies

I'm brand new on here but have been an obsessive lurker for a long time! And thanks to this lurking have picked up some fabulous advice on all sorts of issues. So thank you to you all!
I have a dilemma and was wondering if anyone could help me.
At the weekend we were at a friends BBQ (this friend is also DS's Godmother) and DS lost his dummy. He wasn't feeling particularly well (teething and temp) so we had arrange for in laws to pick him up after a couple of hours of socialising.
He became quite fractious for the last 20mins or so and I went to give him his dummy and it was nowhere to be seen.
Luckily I had a spare but was stumped as to where the first had gone
Turns out (I found this out this morning), my friend (his godmother) had taken it from him and hidden it in her DH's pocket and when we had gone home she told the rest of our friends what she'd done! Apparently she said "I took it from him because he doesn't need it".
I was naturally furious but DH is saying let it go...but I'm obviously not listening to him! Lol!
Any advice on how handle this is welcome!

OP posts:
Blu · 20/08/2015 19:28

It's hard because to say something you will have to grass up the person who told you. That also could be a group splitter.

Did none of them say anything? If someone told me they had taken another child's dummy, I would say 'you what????' And point out that it was out of order.

Next time she says anything about dummies just say 'that's your opinion and experience, we introduced a dummy on the advice of our Dr, it worked wonders and how we each bring up our babies isn't the business of anyone else. Is it?' And give her a hard stare.

Then take her wine away.

Original poster
Loz1982 · 20/08/2015 19:36

Blu- That's my exact problem...I don't want to "grass" up the friend who told me and cause tension for others. (It's like being in school isn't it?!)
I'm not actually sure if my friend said anything to her. Knowing her the way I do, I'd like to say yes she probably did say something. But im not going to ask her because she was good enough to tell me in the first place!
I definitely am going to have a word with the godmother though. This thread and all the comments and suggestions have just reinforced things for me. I just needed an outside perspective I think. Sometimes you just need to take a step back don't you.
As for taking her wine away...another helpful lady also mentioned that earlier...and I heartily agree with you both!!! Haha! I'm just the type to do that too!!! Lol

OP posts:
ZoePhillips · 20/08/2015 19:40

Your friend is right, your child does not NEED a dummy. He may want a dummy because YOU have allowed him to have one so I'd say you are at a fault here, no child should be so dependent on a dummy that they can't cope if it's taken away for a short period of time.

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Families
Glitteryarse · 20/08/2015 19:52

If she is a good enough friend you should be able to say 'oi! Dont take my DS dummy again. I choose if and when he gives it up' .

This doesn't have to end in a fall out. Every ones supposed to be grown ups...

Iamatotalandutteridiot · 20/08/2015 19:52

I'm no fan of dummies but

  1. Your child; your rules.
  2. I would be VERY upset that she laughed about it afterwards.

Actually, its the telling others that I wouldn't be able to let go.

I would definitely go with the wine idea ;-)

hazeyjane · 20/08/2015 19:54

Your friend is overstepping the mark - it is not her decision, and whether she likes dummies or not has no bearing on your decision to give your dc a dummy.

ZoePhillips - no, the op is not 'at fault' to give her child a dummy, many many parents give their children dummies. Ds was given a dummy when he was in SCBU, partly to encourage a suckle reflex and partly because of the amount of comfort a baby can receive from sucking. When ds was a little older, his paed recommended a dummy to help with his reflux. I know people have a very negative view of dummies, but, used correctly, they can be wonderful things. A dummy is a comforter to a baby, of course it will get upset if that comfort is taken away.

RabbitSaysWoof · 20/08/2015 20:10

Zoe wtf???
Op I would be furious for me that would be a point of chucking the friendship out of the window, I had a friend who undermined me with my ds (not in the same way), but still demonstrating her parenting methods on my ds because she is so sure of her own abilities and rubbishes my wishes. I just gave up after the last time I saw her I'm so over telling myself how she is lovely in other ways, used to be a great friend blah blah blah, she has a low opinion of me and thinks she can do better with my ds so she can fuck off.

Original poster
Loz1982 · 20/08/2015 20:13

Yes I think it was the combination of telling others about it, being so self righteous about it and not stopping for a second to consider the comfort of a little boy, who effectively is still a baby and doesn't understand why he can't have the comfort he's crying for.
It wasn't her place to do what she did, and i agree... My child : My rules!
ZoePhillips- I'm sorry you feel so against dummies but I don't really feel like your comment was very constructive to my thread. I don't feel "at fault" at all for choosing (on a Dr's recommendation) to give my child a dummy. And I'm not even a tiny bit ashamed of him having one.
At the end of the day, I agree with you in principle...no child NEEDS a dummy as such. But I find my child gets a little bit of much needed comfort from his and I won't deny him that. He'll grow out of it when he's good and ready. He hadn't had the dummy at all that evening...it was only very near to his home time that he started to get upset. And that's when I started looking for it. The sucking reflex is a comfort to most children and whether it's dummies, thumbs, blankets or soft toys, I don't think it matters so long as they're comforted at the time. I think your comment was unnecessarily harsh.
Thanks hazeyjane for the support there! :)

OP posts:
PoshPenny · 20/08/2015 20:16

It's none of her business
She shouldn't have done it
Let it go this time
If there is a next time, let her have both barrels about why she Must.Not.Do.This.

patterkiller · 20/08/2015 20:17

Yes that's right zoe I can spot an adult a mile off who had had a dummy as a child. Hmm

JeffreyNeedsAHobby · 20/08/2015 20:22

I hope her child doesn't suck his thumb... Grin
I imagine he would protest rather a lot if someone tried to take that off him.

Original poster
Loz1982 · 20/08/2015 20:22

RabbitSaysWoof- You have literally just hit the nail right on the head there!!!!!! She's VERY sure if her own abilities and very blinkered with regards to parenting. She's one of those people who feels that she is always right based solely on her own experience.
For instance...she had a textbook birth. I had a horrendous traumatising birth! Lucky me!
Therefore in her opinion...I was the one who did something wrong and I made a drama of it! She said next time she's going to "coach" me so I do things properly!
Another example...my boobs didn't grow AT ALL (grrrr!) during pregnancy...therefore I was "weird" and "would have problems breastfeeding". I'm not weird (much!) and had no problems breastfeeding!
My belly button went flat because I was so huge near the end. She said hers stayed 'in' and that anything else isn't normal. U see the common theme here?! Lol!
She's nuts. And very ignorant. But I take her with a pinch of salt and very rarely take anything she says or does seriously. In fact...she's usually a good dose of light comedy for me...not that she knows it!
But I just couldn't let this incident go!

OP posts:
Original poster
Loz1982 · 20/08/2015 20:26

Thanks again guys for the help! I wish I'd joined ages ago!
You're all giving me a massive confidence boost and a good laugh at the same time!
It's always reassuring to know that you're doing an ok job and that you're not a rubbish clueless mum! :)

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 20/08/2015 20:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Homebird8 · 20/08/2015 21:05

Loz I knew someone like this very well. If something went badly for me it was because I hadn't done it right exactly like her. If it went well for me it was either because she had shown me the way, or, if the same thing had gone badly for her, I was doing it to spite her and prove her wrong.

For example, I breastfed my baby and she struggled and switched to bottle. I had no opinion on her choice but she obviously felt that my continuing was a comment on the right way to do things.

When my child had an accident and was fairly badly hurt, it was my fault for having moved to a new house against her wishes. Hmm

It may not be comfortable, and I may be colouring you friend with my experience, but I think you need to make your right to choose for you and your little one clear or she will always think that she is the final arbiter.

Good luck with your new baby, and if you want a coach you find one. Tell her you need a friend, not a minder.

Original poster
Loz1982 · 20/08/2015 21:49

Ahhh Homebird8!!! Bless you...it sounds like your friend is just like mine!!
Isn't it strange how some people can be so self assured and confident in their own abilities?! The rest of us spend our days questioning ourselves over the smallest of things and worrying whether we're doing right by our little ones!
If it helps, I also stared off breastfeeding and was actually doing ok (contrary to my friends premonitions of the small boobs of doom!) but unfortunately a nasty blood clot in my leg made me quite ill which caused my milk to dry up and I had to put my DS on the bottle too. I know for a fact that my friend tried breastfeeding once and gave up as she said she felt like a cow being milked. Did I criticise her for it? Not at all!! I'm all for whatever works for mum as I'm a big believer in happy mum=happy baby!
All of us are equal to one another and I think some of our "friends" forget this in their quest for world dominance!! Haha!
Thank you for sharing your friend experience! Makes me feel better to know I'm not the only one with a know it all pal!

DixieNormas- thanks for the back up! :)

OP posts:
jeronimoh · 20/08/2015 22:00

I've noticed over the years that people that behave in this way actually aren't really that secure in themselves- they want other people to do things their way as a kind of self-reassurance.

RabbitSaysWoof · 20/08/2015 22:06

I think you are right jeronimoh

starlight2007 · 20/08/2015 22:15

I would not have a conversation but I would tell her...She might not agree with all your parenting decisions however that does not give her the right to over ride any of your choices again.. End of conversation...

I did read the op like this Shock infact a dummy would of fell out of my mouth if I had one

Original poster
Loz1982 · 20/08/2015 22:39

Jeronimoh I agree, maybe she's actually quite unhappy and insecure deep down and this is how she deals with her feelings. Either way, she's pushed me just a bit too far this time!
Starlight2007- I just burst out laughing at that last bit of your message! :D
Slightly off topic for a mo...how do you get someone's name to come up in bold when you're wanting to tag and answer them? I'm so useless at all this!

OP posts:
Janethegirl · 20/08/2015 22:43

I absolutely hate the use of dummies, but I wouldn't steal one from a baby. I might like to though Grin

DriverSurpriseMe · 20/08/2015 22:55

But why, Jane? I don't understand.

jeronimoh · 20/08/2015 22:58

It's a petit bourgeois prejudice.

Janethegirl · 20/08/2015 23:02

I just hate dummies, why are they necessary? All children have thumbs and they don't lose or drop them!

My dc were never even offered dummies and they are now ok adults.

jeronimoh · 20/08/2015 23:04

They provide comfort.

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