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This is very, very long, and yes, I've NC'd.

216 replies

Helpmehelpmydgs · 24/08/2013 14:44

My DS1 and his gf lived together for a few years, half here and half with her family, before finally moving into their own place a couple of years ago. They got together as teenagers and are now mid-twenties.

I will admit I was massively relieved when they moved out, the atmosphere in my home lightened immediately. They were always rather "disapproving" towards dh and me, there was a fair amount of "antler-clashing" (words, no violence) between DS1 and dh, and ds1 and ds2, and it was all just getting a bit tired. While they were here, they contributed nothing; no housework, no bills, no rent. They didn't even provide company and entertainment, they just took their evening meals upstairs to eat and wouldn't be seen again till morning.

Anyway, they have basically cut communications since they left. Ds1 passes close to our home twice every working day and has never called in just for a natter and a cup of tea. He has never phoned just for a chat, and eventually stopped even responding to his dad's friendly sports-related texts. He didn't even acknowledge FB messages. (I know, I know...) Eventually I blocked him on FB because it became obvious that his dp was using the login to post snidey, passive-aggressive comments aimed at me, and I don't need that kind of childish shit in my life.

So, roll on the months, and ds1 drops by to tell us they're having a baby. We say "Congratulations, when's it due?", he tells us and leaves. Five minutes tops, and the next we hear is when the baby is born premature, by emergency CS, and later needs surgery at a few weeks old. We were "permitted" to visit in the hospital, dh and ds2 went, I didn't because I had a streaming cold and didn't think a tiny newborn should be exposed to that. Eventually I met him at about three months when they dropped by for five minutes; he was taken out of the car, but not the carseat (fair enough, he was asleep) so I could admire from a distance. I was never invited to visit him in their home, and I have never been the kind of person to drop in uninvited; particularly where dil2b is so clearly hostile towards me I wouldn't even consider it. I know how hard the early days are and would never just "drop by" on a new mum, especially one who'd just had major abdominal surgery, I don't even phone in case I'd disturb a nap.

I don't think I've emphasised how much dil2b actually hates me, btw, she really does. She maintains I broke her trust, I think she's an attention-seeking drama queen, this is never going to end well. As is right, ds1 is fully supporting his dp and the mother of his pfb, and as a result relationships between ds1 and me have completely broken down. Frankly, I'm past caring. I've run the full gamut of emotions from hair-tearing grief, through shock at their blatant rewriting of history, to rage at the fucking using wee twat I birthed. I'm now "meh" about the lot of them.

DIL2B, however, has other ideas. She has started to demand that I have a relationship with their ds, which sounds positive, but what she actually wants is "stuff", and her email to me makes that very, very clear. She hates me, will not forgive me, does not accept my apology and will not be in the house when I visit (by arrangement, of course.) She's upset because I bought dgs1 (ds2's boy, now 4) lots of "stuff" when he was little, and I should be buying the same sort of "stuff" for dgs2. Thing is, when dgs1 was born it to two teenage parents, only one of whom was working (pt, zero hours contract, nmw), and who did not, at that time, live together, though they spent most nights together either here or with her family. Dgs2 has been born to two fully-adult parents, at least one of whom is ft employed on a rate considerably higher than nmw (am unaware of her status) and who have their own home. And who don't speak to me.

So, yes, I probably did go a bit daft on the toy front, but most of it is usable by other dc. I bought the bigger-ticket items, indoor trampoline, chute, paddling pool, ride-on toys, that sort of thing; they're all durable. I keep them here because my house is big enough and although ds2 and his ex are no longer together, they have resolved their differences and dgs1 stays over two or three nights a week, so he gets a lot of use out of these toys. But dgs2 won't be brought here to visit, so he'll never get to use them; does that mean I should shell out again for stuff they'll keep and I'll never get to see dgs2 enjoying? It's not that they can't afford this stuff if they want it, ds1 got a substantial inheritance from my uncle a couple of months ago, but they want me to pay for it.

So, well done if you've read this far, go and put the kettle on for a because there's more.

If we're sitting comfortably... So, she emailed me this vituperous claptrap four weeks ago. I put off opening it, I'll be honest, I was scared to read it, actually shook at the thought for days. Eventually I had a drink steeled myself, and actually ended up snorting in derision at how blatant her demands for "stuff" were, which was a relief tbh. The email is a complete rewriting of history, apparently she has tried everything to keep communications open blah blah blah. I do intend to reply, but I veer between the emotions decribed above (though I left out the rending of hair this time) and can't quite get the right tone. Ds1 has sent dh horrible texts demanding to know when I'll reply, really nasty in tone, and snotty about me. Yeah, that makes me get the rage want to communicate calmly, and forge a relationship with your pfb.

So (I use that too much, eh?), I am pretty much in a place where I want absolutely nothing further to do with any of them. She hates me, and I don't recognise the ds1 I raised, he's grown into an unpleasant bully, and I'm ashamed of him. It's a pity I won't know dgs2, but dh and ds2 are persisting so I'll still have news, and perhaps he'll choose to visit me when he's older. He'll get nothing positive about me from his mother, but his cousin (dgs1) loves me, so he might get curious.

Then ds2 visited dgs2 during the week, and took photos. He showed me, and I am genuinely shocked.

DIL2B has been overweight, massively so, all of the time I have known her. She has had an eating disorder in the past, and I don't think she's resolved any of the background issues (of course, she might have had intensive counselling, I have no idea) and I think she has a problematic relationship with food, equating it with love in some way?

Anyway, dgs2 looks to me (not a trained professional) to be clinically obese, dangerously so. He is HUGE, he can't move because of his weight, he can't even wave his limbs in the air. This is not "normal baby" chubbiness, cute wee dimples and squidgeyness. This is baby walrus territory. And it has been achieved in about three months; he was a perfectly normal size when I last saw him, and is only 6 months now.

Apparently she has been adding baby rice to every bottle feed since 12 weeks, and spooning purees into him from 16 weeks. :(

So, do I start to take an interest in the child, perhaps rebuild bridges with ds1 (tbh, I don't want to, I don't even like him much any more) and persuade him to see how wrong this is, how dangerous for his pfb? Do I hope the HV sees and says something? Why can't ds1 see for himself? I think he does, he put up a video of the child blowing raspberries and carefully showed nothing but his face (and that's pretty fat, too, but not as revealing as his limbs). Why does he want me involved, and why does he think that being bullying and aggressive will do that?

Sorry, wandered off on another tangent. Wwyd, re-establish relationships in the (quite possibly vain) hopes of changing dgs2's diet to something more babyish, or tell them all to piss off and hope they come to their senses? They're not going to listen to me anyway, are they, I'd just be a judgemental and interfering MIL.

Ok, talked it all through now, they can fuck off. Sorry, dgs2, hope you and your mum get the professional help you so much need and deserve.

Thanks for reading, I don't really expect replies, but it's been cathartic to get it all out.

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IslaValargeone · 24/08/2013 14:53

I think however nice you are to them, however much you do for them, however much you buy for them, they will still re-write history and treat you like s**t tbh.
I really feel for you.

Thanks