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Original poster

Leaving 2 year daughter for a week

27 replies

PigsWiggle · 08/04/2013 20:50

In 7 months time my brother is getting married abroad and my husband and I are arguing about what we should do.

We have been looking at the cost of flights and it is not possible for DH, DD and I to all go.

My DH thinks I should just go on my own but I feel that DD should go with me - she will be only 2yrs and 5 months at the time of the wedding.

DH thinks DD will be OK without me, but I don't feel that I could leave her for a whole week - I've never spent more than 9 hours apart from her - plus at the moment I'm still BF and don't want to have a pressurised deadline to stop BF.

Obviously taking DD costs more for flights, accomodation etc. but I think if we start saving now and make some cut backs we can save enough.

OP posts:
nilbyname · 08/04/2013 20:56

Forget about it for a couple of months and then see where you are at.

Notsoyummymummy1 · 08/04/2013 21:01

If only people who got married abroad realised the dilemmas they put on their family members. This happened to someone I knew and in the end the three of them went together but it was a lot of expense and hassle. Don't leave dd if you're not happy doing so - it will only cause tension and upset. I'm sure your brother will understand if you say you just can't afford it.

CreatureRetorts · 08/04/2013 21:04

A week?! Blimey. I couldn't. But others do, and it's okay.

If you can save then all of you go.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
LemonBreeland · 08/04/2013 21:07

Does it have to be a week? Can you go for less time alone?

Also a few days awqy doesn't mean the end of breastfeeding.

Original poster
PigsWiggle · 08/04/2013 21:26

Thank you for your replies.

I should explain that my brother actually lives abroad and not going to his wedding would cause even more family upset - especially as he came to our wedding at great expense (which I completely failed to appreciate at the time!)

The wedding is in Florida so feel I need to go for a week as 2 flights in less than 6 days would cause crazy jet lag wouldn't it?! Also looking at flight prices it is cheaper to go midweek and return midweek.

Thank you for understanding that a week apart would be really difficult -my DH really doesn't "get" why I even think that it would be a problem.

LemonBreeland is it possible to have a weeks break from BF then resume without having to faff with expressing etc?

OP posts:
Liara · 08/04/2013 21:30

It definitely would not need to spell the end of bfing. I have a friend who recently was away from her dd for 3 weeks and resumed bfing as if nothing had happened after. And another who left her ds for a week every two months from the age of 1 and carried on feeding until she decided to stop at around 2.

But I personally would have found it hard to leave either of mine at that age, although they get along brilliantly with dh and would have been fine with him!

PhyllisDoris · 08/04/2013 21:35

I bet DH and DD will have a whale of a time without you. Go - enjoy some time on your own and your brother's wedding without having to worry about DDs bed time, food dislikes etc, and buy her a lovely present from Florida.
I bet you'll miss her more than she'll miss you Smile

redwellybluewelly · 08/04/2013 21:51

I spent almost a week away from my dd when she was 21months, I worried it was the end of feeding and looking back I have my suspicions dh wanted it to be but we went on to feed until 26months when I gently encouraged her to wean.

I think it sounds like you could give your dd a great holiday, I also think it sounds like you could have a great tome alone catching up with friends and family. I recently worked away for a week and I was a bit sad when I got back and dd ignored me for a day, but the bond between her and dh has been strengthened further. Swings and roundabouts.

redwellybluewelly · 08/04/2013 21:52

Also. First time I went away last ywar when I got back DH said he had a much much better idea of how hard I worked and we started to be more equal

HerrenaHandbasket · 08/04/2013 21:58

Dh is currently away for a week (work-related) and it never occured to either of us to wonder about the effect on him or the kids! they are 21mo and 8mo btw.

If you do go alone, your DD will be absolutely fine. Sounds like you might struggle though.

Original poster
PigsWiggle · 08/04/2013 22:44

Thank you all for your advice.

PhyllisDoris you almost convinced me there for a moment that it was completely do-able!

redwellybluewelly my DH is also keen for me to end BF and says I will have to have weaned DD before wedding (if I went on my on) as he thinks it would be too hard for him to look after her if she still expects BF. A tiny part of me thinks it would be good for me to go so - like your family - DH and DD bond while I'm gone and I also think it would be good for him to appreciate what I do!

HerrenaHandbasket my DH has also been away several times with work since having DD - the longest for 10 nights and it never occured to either of us to worry about the effect on DD then! But- and I know this is wrong - it just feels very different with mum being seperate from their LO.

OP posts:
redwellybluewelly · 08/04/2013 22:57

Ultimately I left the decision to wean in DD's hands (figuratively speaking) but she liked morning and night feeds and although she never fed to sleep for her bedtime she always fed to sleep for naps at that age. DD actually coped far better than I did and although pleased to see me last year seems slightly disgruntled at my return this time. I suspect a few things get a bit lax around here when I am away!

DH has gone away on several work trips from when DD was younger, shortest three nights, longest nearly two weeks and DD has been absolutely fine but DH has missed her very much. I am glad we have both gone away though as DD seems confident knowing we always return and we can share all tasks like bedtime and stories.

breatheslowly · 08/04/2013 23:04

I'd be very concerned about the jetlag for your DD. If the wedding is an evening party then she will be exhausted as it will effectively be the middle of the night for her. What back up plan would you have for putting your daughter to bed and having her cared for if she completely conks out by 7pm?

Original poster
PigsWiggle · 08/04/2013 23:31

breatheslowly my DH makes your point too - he thinks taking her there is mean and really only for my benefit and she will be happier at home with him. I don't really have a plan - just hope she doesn't get too jet lagged and either keep her awake at party and deal with a very miserable over tired child or spend party walking her around trying to get her to sleep! I'm dreading this wedding for so many reasons!!

Before posting on here tonight I thought 99% - of course my DD should go with me, I thought my DH was being very silly suggesting otherwise. But after listening to all your advice it seems my DH wasn't being as unreasonable as I thought. I'm still very undecided about what to do and I think DH and I will carry on having this argument for a bit longer still!

OP posts:
redwellybluewelly · 09/04/2013 10:11

Pigs

Have you thought about going away for a weekend or overnight somewhere just to trial what it would be like. I confess (not being a long haul traveller) that I hadn't considered the effects of jet lag in a toddler but that might spoil the very party that you were going for in the first place.

Maybe post in long haul or parenting to see how others have coped with the time transitions?

StealthPolarBear · 09/04/2013 10:15

I leftdd for a week last summer, coming up to three, she continued to breast feed when she returned (she went away with grandparents)

RandallPinkFloyd · 09/04/2013 10:24

In all honesty it's you it will affect. Your DD will still be with a parent so will be absolutely fine.

It's almost easier to project and worry that she won't cope without you but the reality is the reverse. She'll have a lovely week with daddy, you'll possibly be a gibbering wreck!

Although you'll obviously miss her, you may surprise yourself and benefit from a week off so to speak.

Only you can decide obviously, and only you know your DD but it's more whether you would cope rather than whether she would iyswim.

(Very Envy btw, wish I had a brother in Florida!)

RandallPinkFloyd · 09/04/2013 10:29

(I must add that rational as my point is, and I stand by every word, my DS is 20mo and I'm wibbling about going away for one night 150 miles away Blush )

breatheslowly · 09/04/2013 19:22

If you are going on your own you could make the trip shorter an just put up with the jetlag - so arrive the day before and leave the day after, which probably means 3-4days away from your DD.

Original poster
PigsWiggle · 09/04/2013 20:16

Yeah I think having a trial one night away would be a really good idea. I know that I will hate it but I won't really know what DD will make of it until I give it a go will I?

I did also think that I could make the trip shorter. I really need to talk to my other siblings about what they are doing. I know none of them have bought tickets yet but when I mentioned that DH may not be able to go my sister's husband was really shocked - I think saying I was even considering leaving DD behind would be really frowned on.

OP posts:
hermioneweasley · 09/04/2013 20:24

I travel to the US for work and yo could definitely go for less than a week and still make it worthwhile. When you're there buy melatonin to help with jet lag. I would go for 3 or 4 days with a day travelling either side so probably 5 nights away. You will ache for your DD by the time you come back but you will survive. I wouldn't take your daughter long haul and across time zones if your DH is willing to stay home with her.

nilbyname · 10/04/2013 07:53

Can you not all go, whack the cost on a credit card, keep shifting the balance on it (so it is interest free) and pay it off over the course of the year?

Can you sell some stuff to generate some funds?

My DH and I have some very close friends around the world and we have been to weddings in Cape Town, Auckland, Tokyo. We have always had the rule that the people were just too important to us not to suck the cost up/sacrifice something else, to go.

Just a thought.

I had a hen do for 3 days in London and left my 10m old with DH. She was BF. It was awful for me, she had a lovely time!

breatheslowly · 10/04/2013 08:26

I think it is unrealistic for many people to make a few sacrifices and be able to pay off debt like that. I would discourage you from putting it on a credit card as it only takes a small shift in circumstances to be unable to repay and put you in a difficult position.

nilbyname · 10/04/2013 09:06

breath yes I take your point but was just thinking if op has the £1500 or so that it is going to cost to get her and DD there, then could they stretch to another £1000 on top? I don't mean to sound flippant and I can assure you it is a financial sacrifice for us, but we do have a bit of a safety net that we could dip into if we had to.

Rubena · 10/04/2013 09:20

I wouldn't bother taking dd unless your dh was going also. That age is a lot of work on the flight as well as when you get there. I would either go alone or find a way that you all can go. (leaning towards you all going) It's 7 months away, would it be possible to start saving, selling things etc and putting it towards? I've been eBaying and making over £100 a month just on baby things / clothes etc recently.
I've taken 2 kids both under 4 around the world twice, and believe me it's tough traveling overseas with kids that age, even with dh there.
On the abroad wedding thing - I got married in America, as family were split between UK, USA and Australia. It was the best solution for as many family as possible to attend.
I'm sure you'll come to the best decision. At least you've got time.