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Original poster

Do I go to brother's wedding?

255 replies

RainQueen · 15/10/2012 08:23

My brother is getting married next year but has decided not to have any children at the wedding. My children are the only children in the family. They are 2, 3, 5 and 6.

I was fine with their decision but said that as my DH and I have no childcare and the wedding is 5 hours from our home I wouldn't be going but we could have a celebration seperately after the event.

This all seemed to be agreed until I got an e-mail from my Mum begging me to go and alying it on thick about it being my brother's one wedding etc etc. I thought this was just my Mum getting emotional so I rang my brother to get his opinion.

I was shocked that he said he expected me to attend and would not forgive me if I didn't. It is possible for me to go on my own (DH would have to saty with the DCs) but it would mean my DH rearranging a busy work scedule and me staying away for 2 nights, including my DS's 7th birthday. Financially, it would be a stretch but as my brother pointed out I have been given a year's notice!

I have never stayed away before and don't really want to go on my own. However, I don't want to fall out over this. When DH and I got married it was a registry office with two witnesses so I have never understood the fuss over weddings!

Anyway, WWYD? I have a feeling I will have to go to keep the peace but I am upset that I will have to leave my DCs and go on my own.

OP posts:
brdgrl · 16/10/2012 14:40

Most people understand that there will be some expense and inconvenience associated with attending a wedding, or for that matter, with having children. Saving up enough, over a year, to be able to employ a babysitter while the OP attends even part of the event (the course of action she has most recently indicated she may take, so obviously not an impossibility), is not too much for a family member to ask.

If the OP's situation is that she cannot afford to attend her brother's wedding, then she has a different problem and set of choices to make.

The OP wants to be able to decline the invitation and have everyone in her family understand and support that decision. It's unfair of her.

There are options available to her. Maybe not her first choice, or even her second.

If I decide to turn down every 'childfree' invite I am offered, I can't be surprised or indignant when friends and family stop issuing invites, or feel hurt.

brdgrl · 16/10/2012 14:45

I use babysitters from an agency when my children are in bed but I wouldn't use them for lengthy periods of time

But this is your choice - and you must realise that it is not the default position, or some minimum standard - if one isn't willing to leave their kids for over x hours or with non-family (as some have said above), then they ought to understand that they are the ones putting restrictions on what they themselves can and cannot do - it is not down to anyone else to accomodate those choices, or even to be understanding of them, frankly, when they clash with other obligations or with other people's right to exercise their own choices.

ladydayblues · 16/10/2012 14:58

sometimes a drama happens and that "no childcare" can be resolved in five mins flat.

My last child was born 10 weeks premature. Woke up waters broke, had another 3 to sort, before I could even step into the ambulance, which incidently met me at the school gate. OH on a film shoot at the other end of the country - not around. No one in our respective families were around. A mother I barely knew from the school gate took all 3 of my kids for a week without hesitation, (she had her own two). I had never been to her house and my kids didnt know her either. As it was xmas she did all my xmas shopping, presents and food. I am eternally grateful to her. I had no choice but to trust her completely. We are now friends for life.

I dont know abt OPs finances as she hasnt mentioned it.

Go or dont go. lots of good suggestions on how to resolve here.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
renaldo · 16/10/2012 15:12

This shows the importance of having a regular non family babysitter
our lovely sitter ( an elderly lady who lives nearby) is like a surrogate granny.Has stayed overnight for us, she will wait in for tradesmen, accept parcels etc and stay with an ill child if necessary. As my family like oversears it has been invaluable. I can go to work conferneces , she will fill in the gap between school and DH getting home if I am away etc

LtEveDallas · 16/10/2012 15:20

Choosing a child free weddding is fine, perfectly acceptable, as long as you don't moan when people cannot attend your wedding because of it.

Choosing not to leave your children with a babysitter is fine, perfectly acceptable, as long as you don't moan when you cannot attend functions because of it.

OP isn't moaning and accepts she cannot go. Lovely OP Smile.

OPs brother is moaning and needs to wind his neck in. Not so lovely.

ksrwr · 16/10/2012 15:27

could you all go to where the wedding is, make a weekend of it, and you disappear for 4/5 hours for the acutal wedding, thus only leaving your husband along with the kids for a short period of time, and you all having a nice weekend away?

charleybarley · 16/10/2012 15:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ladydayblues · 16/10/2012 15:46

charley usually costs are the deciding factor in childfree weddings!

All those guests who rocked up to our wedding with their uninvited children had to have them in thier laps and share their food with them. We couldnt afford to lay on child entertainment - it was not a kids party. We had exactly 100 seats inc us and of that only 10 peeps were friends. All the rest were close family.

EverybodysSpookyEyed · 16/10/2012 15:57

What lteve said. Child free is fine but you have to expect some people not to be able to go if that is the case.

With the ages of the kids it would be very hard to leave them for two nights, especially as one of the days is hat child's birthday

If your husband didn't have to work I would say you should go

However, as your dh has to work that weekend it really seems like you have no other choice.

charleybarley · 16/10/2012 16:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsCampbellBlack · 16/10/2012 16:21

Renaldo - would you happily leave 4 children for pretty much 48 hours with an elderly lady?

LaCiccolina · 16/10/2012 16:29

Have you thought about taking the whole family to the town of the wedding for the weekend and you disappear for the ceremony and breakfast and scarper after the speeches but before the disco starts?

Try dayoutwiththekids.com (or .co.uk I forget which) as they often show quite good things that DH could do with them as their entertainment while you are out.

That way you could all at least be near each other.

I seem to think that DH had a busy work weekend doing events though. Ill assume for this next suggestion hes indisposed.

Throw it back at your brother? Say DH cant baby sit. Nobody else in your town can baby sit. Could the kids come with you to the hotel the wedding will be hosted at IF he sources a baby sitter? Is there an Aunt, friend of your mums, the bride-to-be, you bro that might be able to step forwards for the few hours of the ceremony, breakfast and speeches. You would need to explain you couldn't then stay for the reception disco but frankly why would you? He will be off his face by then and would have no idea if you went or not in the evening.

If nothing else it might give a few more weeks til you have to out and out refuse?

YouOldSlag · 16/10/2012 16:38

But this is your choice - and you must realise that it is not the default position, or some minimum standard - if one isn't willing to leave their kids for over x hours or with non-family (as some have said above), then they ought to understand that they are the ones putting restrictions on what they themselves can and cannot do - it is not down to anyone else to accommodate those choices, or even to be understanding of them, frankly, when they clash with other obligations or with other people's right to exercise their own choices.

Delightful attitude you have there!. I especially like the bit where you say "it is not down to anyone else to accommodate these choices or even try to understand them"

I always try and understand people. It's called empathy. Attempting to accommodate people is called kindness.

MrsCampbellBlack · 16/10/2012 16:42

Youoldslag - I've agreed with everything you've said on this thread.

YouOldSlag · 16/10/2012 16:51

Thank you MrsCB. How refreshing. My kids never do! Smile

brdgrl · 16/10/2012 20:24

oldslag, the OP is not being kind or having empathy for her brother, by your own definition, then, as she is not trying to understand his feelings or accomodate him, despite the fact that it is his wedding day. I think it is really shitty, and doubly shitty to make herself out to be the poor injured party in the whole thing. If she doesn't want to go, then she should not go - we agree - but what she wants is to not go and have her family tell her that it is ok. Well, it apparently is not ok with her brother.

And the OP is moaning about it, actually...

LtEveDallas · 16/10/2012 20:42

Where is she moaning brdgrl? Shes not happy that her brother has said he'd 'never forgive her' (how childish) but otherwise quite fine not to attend.

brdgrl · 16/10/2012 21:00

The whole thread is a moan! If she were truly happy enough not to attend and to deal with the repercussions, she'd have no reason to post. She is moaning because he's said he's not happy and isn't sure he could forgive her - well, good for him. He's being honest about his perfectly understandable feelings.

I think she's the one being childish, and making his/his fiancee's decision "all about her" and her DCs. Instead of making reasonable efforts to attend. She has options, but because she isn't getting either of the two things she wants (1, an "exception" for her children to attend. or 2, a consequence-free claim to the moral high ground), she's complaining.

Moreover, the OP states that it would indeed be possible for her to attend, and indicates that her DH would have to rearrange work...this then evolved into DH not being able to do it at all. She mentions finances in passing in the OP, but allows that she has a year to sort it out... In short, the OP seems to be looking for reasons and excuses not to attend, rather than looking for genuine solutions. She could sort it out. It is her brother, and she should sort it out.

MrsCampbellBlack · 16/10/2012 21:21

Brdgrl - are you getting married soon Wink

brdgrl · 16/10/2012 21:36

I am already married. I also have one daughter with DH and two stepchildren, all of whom predated my marriage.

If it matters, and to anticipate your next question...We had two small ceremonies, as my family all live overseas. First we had a small church wedding (here) to which children were invited, followed by a luncheon (also with children). That night we had an evening do in a pub, to which children were not invited.

Months later, we had a second nontraditional ceremony overseas. Children were invited and included in the ceremony.

I've also been a guest at weddings - of acquaintances, friends, and siblings... I wouldn't dream of putting conditions on my attendance. Or of missing my sisters' weddings because I didn't like the way they'd planned the day.

MrsCampbellBlack · 16/10/2012 21:43

I was joking Smile

Look - you have a child-free wedding and your only sibling has 4 small children - well you've got to expect that will cause problems if you're close to her and know she doesn't have a raft of babysitters at her beck and call.

But you know the key thing is I would never do this to my sister and my sister would never do this to me - we'd know the difficulties that childcare presents and plan accordingly.

PedanticPanda · 16/10/2012 21:45

I wouldn't miss my child's birthday. Your brother has decided no children, you have told him you can't go if you can't bring your kids. Don't let him guilt you into it.

brdgrl · 16/10/2012 21:52

That's fair enough, but the OP doesn't seem to be saying that it is an insurmountable problem for her - rather, it is an inconvenience that she doesn't want to have to try to deal with, because she really doesn't like that her brother decided to have a child-free wedding.

I could be wrong, but I think that even if the brother offered to help her find a qualified babysitter, or to split the costs with her, it wouldn't be enough for some people. The attitude (from others on the thread more than the OP herself) seems to be that by having chosen not to have children at his wedding, her brother has only himself to blame if his sister won't - over a year - try to arrange things in order to accommodate his wishes. I just think he has a point.

PedanticPanda · 16/10/2012 21:55

But it's not just the costs and childcare to consider. She'd miss her dc's birthday too if she went.

LonelyCloud · 16/10/2012 22:03

The OP's brother isn't exactly going out of his way to make things easy, though, is he?

He's banning children, and he's picked a date that clashes with an immoveable work committment for the OP's husband.

Personally, I think that if you really want someone at your wedding, you don't go imposing conditions that will make it difficult for them to attend, and then whine when the conditions are causing a problem.

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