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Original poster

Do I go to brother's wedding?

255 replies

RainQueen · 15/10/2012 08:23

My brother is getting married next year but has decided not to have any children at the wedding. My children are the only children in the family. They are 2, 3, 5 and 6.

I was fine with their decision but said that as my DH and I have no childcare and the wedding is 5 hours from our home I wouldn't be going but we could have a celebration seperately after the event.

This all seemed to be agreed until I got an e-mail from my Mum begging me to go and alying it on thick about it being my brother's one wedding etc etc. I thought this was just my Mum getting emotional so I rang my brother to get his opinion.

I was shocked that he said he expected me to attend and would not forgive me if I didn't. It is possible for me to go on my own (DH would have to saty with the DCs) but it would mean my DH rearranging a busy work scedule and me staying away for 2 nights, including my DS's 7th birthday. Financially, it would be a stretch but as my brother pointed out I have been given a year's notice!

I have never stayed away before and don't really want to go on my own. However, I don't want to fall out over this. When DH and I got married it was a registry office with two witnesses so I have never understood the fuss over weddings!

Anyway, WWYD? I have a feeling I will have to go to keep the peace but I am upset that I will have to leave my DCs and go on my own.

OP posts:
renaldo · 16/10/2012 10:07

I think he is being an arse. BUT I cant believe you dont have a babysitter - do you never go out?

Original poster
RainQueen · 16/10/2012 10:16

renaldo - my DPs visit us about 3 times a year and we go out for a meal then but otherwise there is noone else around. We go out as a family but DH and I don't go out together unless my DPs are here. I have a lot of friends who have family help near and go out and even away a lot and I am sure they pity us because we can't do that but we are used to it now and as I said before, it is such a short time in our lives....

OP posts:
Miggsie · 16/10/2012 10:16

I think your brother, and mother are being inconsiderate.

By saying no children they are basically saying "and none of your DH either" as he would have to look after the kids. I think that is mean.

They either accept that you'd rather not travel on your own, to a wedding to attend, on your own, while your husband does a birthday party and childcare or they should offer to help with childcare while you all travel to the wedding or say the kids can come to some bits not others.

Your brother should understand that this stipulation makes real problems for you and effectively bars your DH from the ceremony as well. That isn't being a good host at all.

I remember one do where my brother went and I went to the hotel with him and looked after the kids in the room while he and his wife attended the "no kids" function. That way he attended the function and didn't have to leave his kids for 2 days.

I'd just tell them that the logistics are too much and you are not going, as a social do where you can't be with your DH is pretty tatty in my opinion!

Interested in this thread?

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Weddings
brdgrl · 16/10/2012 10:22

I am in the minority here, I see, but I think YABU. Your brother and his partner are having a child-free wedding, which is a perfectly reasonable thing to do, like it or not. You could arrange childcare in order to attend, with or without your DH, for some or all of the day, and you won't. Perhaps they feel like you are trying to blackmail them into being allowed to bring your children. I would.

megandraper · 16/10/2012 10:26

I would not stay away for my child's birthday, I think your brother is being very unreasonable.

brdgrl · 16/10/2012 10:28

I live in a different country from all our family, on both sides. We don't have friends we can ask to babysit. As well, on several occasions now, DH and I have traveled out of town for work, and needed to find a babysitter in the town where we are staying. It can be done. You have quite a bit of time to sort it out. It really comes down to that you are unwilling to because you don't think your brother should have left your DCs out of his wedding.

SandyChick · 16/10/2012 10:32

I wouldn't go but would need to make sure that db understood my reasons.

You don't have childcare as all of your family will be at wedding. I wouldn't want to go without my husband. I think it's really unfair of your db to not consider how you and your dh could attend without the children but to then have a go at you for not being able to go. I wouldn't be happy if my db said no children including his nephews.

AngelsWithSilverWings · 16/10/2012 10:34

I don't think its strange that the OP does not have a babysitter. My DH and I go out all the time but only ever use either my parents or my inlaws.

We have never used a babysitter as the need has never come up as my family are so helpful. Even if we did have a reliable sitter I wouldn't use them for an overnighter.

If my DB put me in the same position that OP's DB has I would be left with no childcare either.

My parents would obviously be at the wedding and my DH's parents don't to overnight care as they are so much older than my parents and can only manage short periods of day time babysitting.

jammietart · 16/10/2012 10:36

I would do all you can to be there for the ceremony. I always think in these situations that you have to try and be the better person and do everything you can to avoid regretting your actions at a later date. Fwiw I think your brother is behaving badly but it isn?t an unusual situation.
Is the ceremony in a Church? If it is I would go and take the kids with me just to be a bit awkward!

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 16/10/2012 10:43

'If DCs had been invited then I would have taken them with me and between my DPs (who will be at the wedding) and myself, we could have managed the logistics.'

How would you have managed this, OP, and can it be tweaked at all to accommodate them not being invited?

Of course I might be way off, but I'm envisaging that the wedding is taking place in an environment where your DCs could be 'kept', for want of a better word, separately (hotel room or whatever) and you and your DPs could take it in turns to sit with them.

Poosnu · 16/10/2012 11:00

If you are able to do so, I would have a proper sit down chat with your DB and DM, and explain the difficulties you are in. Do they properly understand the issues surrounding DH's work and that he absolutely can't take time off?

It's a non starter for your DH to take the children to work. He won't be able to get much done at all, and it might potentially be dangerous for them.

We don't a have a babysitter either. When we go out my DM looks after DD. We don't use agency babysitters. I can absolutely see why you wouldn't feel comfortable with leaving the children with a stranger for 2 days.

If I was in your shoes and DB really couldn't accommodate children, I probably wouldn't go. As has been said many times, it's his choice to have a child free wedding, but he needs to accept the consequences of that.

MyNameIsInigoMontoya · 16/10/2012 11:15

I think before you make this into an even bigger issue, you need to do some more talking with your brother. Talk talk talk talk.

I would prob take the approach of "Of course I want to be there for you, however it is really difficult because of.... (DH's work till late, lack of babysitters, age and number of DCs,...) - can you help me work out a way to do it?" - or some such wording, but basically, putting yourself "on his side" but getting him to do some of the work figuring out the practical issues.

I reckon if you put it that way, he will have to put himself into your shoes a bit, and between you you might either be able to agree a compromise (such as, DCs come but someone else looks after them during the ceremony - maybe even your brother arranging some childcare - or you just coming for the ceremony and then leaving early), OR he may reconsider the ban. And at worst, if you still can't make it at least he may be a bit more understanding of the reasons.

Get your mum onside too and that should help as well.

As for the birthday, I'd say if you could manage it so you only missed the birthday itself, that should not be a huge issue - leave a few treats to make the day special, and celebrate another day instead (it's hardly unusual for birthday celebrations to be bumped by a day or so to fit in with work, school etc). But if it was going to mean him being with a random babysitter for the whole weekend, then I would feel pretty bad about that too!

CinnabarRed · 16/10/2012 12:37

Massive difference, IMO, between getting a babysitter for one evening (when the DCs will be asleep in bed for most of, if not all, the time) and arranging childcare for 2 days. Or even 1 day if the OP goes for just the ceremony. Too much to ask.

YouOldSlag · 16/10/2012 12:41

brdgrl- I think the brother is being totally unreasonable and I disagree with you. The OP is not trying to emotionally blackmail him into inviting her kids. She is having genuine trouble attending.

  1. she doesn't have one, she has FOUR
  2. The youngest will only be three next year, that's not an easy age to leave
  3. The DH cannot attend or do childcare as he is totally tied into a contract he cannot leave.
  4. The wedding is FIVE HOURS away.

I think the groom to be is the inconsiderate one. Yes getting a babysitter in another town is possible, but there are four kids and the babysitter will be a total stranger and oneof them is having a birthday the same day!

How can you possibly think the groom is being reasonable?

A bride and groom are entitled to have any wedding they choose. However, they have to accept that some people just won't be able to come if it's child free, and it's very shabby and mean of a couple not to be more understanding of that.

ladydayblues · 16/10/2012 12:57

Sorry dont agree! I have four children at one point 3 under 7 had absolutely no issues leaving them to fly to Europe for research overnight and another occasion 4 days in Scotland for similiar research and they arent sitting on a shrink couch complaining that I left them and/or missed their birthday! One being born in June was always in the exam season, my busy time so birthday was moved almost a week later!

OP has a a YEAR to introduce a regular sitter to her children! I found two students locally and they (both) did stay overnight with my brood. Chaos occasionally but all managble. And this was well before mobiles & fire blankets!

I can see at least three ways that this could be resolved but wonder now if the OP just wants us to say forget your DB your DCs comes first.

I would have thought you would have jumped at a chance to have a couple of days without DCs and sort it. It can be done!

EldritchCleavage · 16/10/2012 13:31

Bit unfair, lady: you don't know her or her children, her financial situation or anything. I take your point, and suggested getting a couple of local babysitters upthread, but I don't think not wanting to do this necessarily makes the OP unreasonable.

brdgrl · 16/10/2012 13:33

Exactly, ladyday.

Those who don't have family to rely on as babysitters have two choices - find alternatives, or choose not to attend social events.

If they choose the latter, they should be prepared for the fallout of that. Whether a dinner party or a wedding, if it is more important to someone not to leave their children with an unrelated carer (or whatever other excuse makes the childcare option "impossible") than to attend the event, they should understand how that is going to impact on their relationships with others. Of course the OP has every right not to attend, but it is pretty rich for her to try and make her choices, her brother's responsibility.

He has every reason to feel disappointed that she won't make arrangements for an important event which is still a year away.

YouOldSlag · 16/10/2012 13:36

Of course the OP has every right not to attend, but it is pretty rich for her to try and make her choices, her brother's responsibility.

But it IS his responsibility as he is insisting her children can't come. AND her DH is not available to help AND it's five hours away. AND it's her DC's 7th birthday that day.

I don't see how the brother is being remotely fair.

Viviennemary · 16/10/2012 13:36

I think your brother is entitled to have a child free wedding if that is what he wants. What he doesn't have the right to do is to put pressure on you to attend. He can't have it both ways. If it's too difficult for you to attend then don't. He is the one who has laid down the law. Not you. You have not refused to attend.

brdgrl · 16/10/2012 13:39

Not getting childcare is HER choice!

brdgrl · 16/10/2012 13:41

You have not refused to attend.

Yes she has. Saying "I won't attend unless I can do it on my terms" is unfair and is a refusal of the invitation. Her choice.

YouOldSlag · 16/10/2012 13:41

Yes, I agree Vivienne. He is absolutely entitled to have any wedding he chooses, but where he looses points is in telling his sister he "will never forgive her" if she doesn't come.

Child free weddings- fine
Hassling guests who struggle to attend - not fine.

mummytime · 16/10/2012 13:55

You are entitled to refuse an invitation, it is an invitation not a royal command. If it is really important for someone to have you at something they invite you to, then they do whatever they can to enable you to attend.

If you want a child free wedding then that is fine. However those with children may well decline the invitation, also fine.

People didn't come to my wedding, people I would have loved to be there, I was disappointed but in no way did I chuck my toys out of the pram and refuse to ever forgive them.

Bongaloo · 16/10/2012 14:16

a year to introduce a babysitter
bit of an expensive wedding

Why should they start employing staff?

MrsCampbellBlack · 16/10/2012 14:17

Exactly what mummytime said.

I use babysitters from an agency when my children are in bed but I wouldn't use them for lengthy periods of time if my DH was likely to be working very long hours.

Its not like its 30 mins away and for one day or just for an evening - am sure the OP would be happy to use a babysitter for that. But this is different.