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Original poster

Do I go to brother's wedding?

255 replies

RainQueen · 15/10/2012 08:23

My brother is getting married next year but has decided not to have any children at the wedding. My children are the only children in the family. They are 2, 3, 5 and 6.

I was fine with their decision but said that as my DH and I have no childcare and the wedding is 5 hours from our home I wouldn't be going but we could have a celebration seperately after the event.

This all seemed to be agreed until I got an e-mail from my Mum begging me to go and alying it on thick about it being my brother's one wedding etc etc. I thought this was just my Mum getting emotional so I rang my brother to get his opinion.

I was shocked that he said he expected me to attend and would not forgive me if I didn't. It is possible for me to go on my own (DH would have to saty with the DCs) but it would mean my DH rearranging a busy work scedule and me staying away for 2 nights, including my DS's 7th birthday. Financially, it would be a stretch but as my brother pointed out I have been given a year's notice!

I have never stayed away before and don't really want to go on my own. However, I don't want to fall out over this. When DH and I got married it was a registry office with two witnesses so I have never understood the fuss over weddings!

Anyway, WWYD? I have a feeling I will have to go to keep the peace but I am upset that I will have to leave my DCs and go on my own.

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 15/10/2012 16:32

Sorry about the random number 2 [snigger] at the end of my post...

YouOldSlag · 15/10/2012 16:33

Option 3. Allow your kids to press their (dirty, sad) faces against the windows during the speeches. Then ostentatiously shoo them away saying "Uncle Groom doesn't want you in here, Shoo!"

usualsuspect3 · 15/10/2012 16:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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Weddings
lunar1 · 15/10/2012 16:38

I think your brother is being really selfish here. I wouldn't be bullied into going like this.

Hullygully · 15/10/2012 16:42

Your brother is a WANKER

EldritchCleavage · 15/10/2012 16:42

Don't pull your punches, Hully, tell us what you really think...

YouOldSlag · 15/10/2012 16:43

Your brother is a WANKER

In comes Hully, straight to the point, no messing.Smile

MrsCampbellBlack · 15/10/2012 17:12

I am loving option 3

Loopy4got · 15/10/2012 17:14

It's your brother you go to the wedding. Remember we can chose our friends but sadly cannot chose our family.

MrsCampbellBlack · 15/10/2012 17:23

Have you read the thread Loopy? Any ideas of how the OP can get there bearing in mind:

  • her DH has work event that can not be cancelled
  • she has no-one to look after her 4 dc's for 2 nights and days?
Loopy4got · 15/10/2012 17:44

Oh my goodness please don't beat me up. I was only thinking of the long term damage to her relationship with her brother, sister in law and her family.

And if that relationship wasn't damaged, that must be a better solution. It is dreadful when families fall out :(

MrsCampbellBlack · 15/10/2012 17:46

Of course it is Loopy but do you not think the brother should take some repsonsibility for that.

I'm just not sure what the OP can possibly do.

ladydayblues · 15/10/2012 17:49

I tried that no kids stuff (31 years ago) but still some people just rocked up with their kids, and had to sit in their parents laps as there were no additional seating and they were not catered for. One baby screamed throughout the vows and I could hardly hear the vicar, hmm.

When my younger sis got married she said no kids and checked and re-checked. I was completely utterly delighted! I had 3 v young kids all under 7 and a years notice. I organised my OHs kid sister to stay over and had an absolute ball child free, practically like a second honeymoon. If my OH had to stay with the kids he would have - nothing would make me miss my sisters wedding!

I have missed the odd child's birthday on the actual date, but simply celebrated it the following day..no biggie. As a child born at xmas I have always had a shit birthday that had to be moved, so dont mind moving any others to convenient days.

OP you do have a year. IMO you should try to organise childcare if you cant then at least you have tried.

ProphetOfDoom · 15/10/2012 17:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

UsedToBeAContender · 15/10/2012 17:54

I have no problem with people saying no kids at their weddings, it's entirely their choice and frankly my kids would a) get bored, b) misbehave eventually and c) I would have a rubbish time trying to look after them.

See if you can sort out childcare, it'll be fun and if both of you can go it might be a nice break for you both. At least you can honestly say you've really tried everything. The birthday is a bit unfortunate but you can always make it up to them.

I do however think that your DB is being a complete prick for throwing his toys out of the cot and saying he'll "never forgive you". Hmm

MadBusLadyHauntsTheMetro · 15/10/2012 18:12

Some people still seem to be saying or implying that professional childcare, under the general supervision of the working DH, for this one-off occasion is out-of-the-question impossible, including the OP.

Humour me, I don't understand this, I don't have DCs, is it truly the case?

picturesinthefirelight · 15/10/2012 18:20

Most child care set ups (nursery/childminder/nannies) are designed to be available during normal working hours and for people who book I a regular basis.

Some childminders do provide ad hoc care but ad they are restructured in numbers will always choose a child who attends every week of the year over and above a stranger who rings up on the off chance.

Nurseries tend to open 9-6 Mon- Fri Some will provide extra care for those known to them eg holiday or after school care

Childminders are often mums themselves with children hence few will offer weekends ir evenings

Which leaves you I guess with a local teenager who might do a spot of babysitting if you know anyone you could trust. Personally I don't (actually I tell a lie I do but she's a student who lives away during term time).

picturesinthefirelight · 15/10/2012 18:21

One off child care is very very difficult to find.

picturesinthefirelight · 15/10/2012 18:21

And this is not only a Sunday but a bank holiday weekend if I remember correctly.

YouOldSlag · 15/10/2012 18:22

Madbust. Yes. It is not easy to find a childminder for a one off, Many are full and are limited to how many charges they can look after. Since the OP looks after her own children, it would be a one off and the child minder would therefore be a stranger.

You can't really get an agency babysitter out of the phone book as you won't know them and the children might not settle with a total stranger.

You could ask a local teenager but there are FOUR children under seven and that is a bit much to lay on a teenagers's door.

They can't go to family because they are all at the wedding. ILs not an option as they are too elderly (and there are FOUR kids!).

The DH is self employed and cannot take time off without it affecting his contract and therefore their income.

ladydayblues · 15/10/2012 18:25

But the OP also says that she had never left her DCs before and is reluctant to so. The first time you can feel anxious, but in these days of Iphone permanently on on your lap you can always be in touch. You CAN go away and leave your children for a family event. You can go to a family event alone, there will be other people there that you will know surely.

Costs are also mentioned - go alone, try and stay one night. OH can look again at rearranging his schedule absolutely no one is indespensible in business. He would also have a year to sort it out.

Still he is your Only brother so try. If i n a couple of months you have no solution then email him all your attempts at a solution, asking him again to reconsider including your kids.

MrsCampbellBlack · 15/10/2012 18:29

As the OP's DH is self-employed and this is a key time/very important piece of work surely the last thing he's going to do is show he's indispensible.

Look - your brother wants a child-free wedding which is of course his choice but that decision has consequences.

picturesinthefirelight · 15/10/2012 18:29

You can't rearrange the schedule of a big major event you can only let someone else do it instead and do lose the business permanently.

picturesinthefirelight · 15/10/2012 18:31

Say for example the op had a contract for a major sporting fixture. He can't change the date if the fixture, he can either do it and earn the money or not and lose it (plus never be asked again)

Original poster
RainQueen · 15/10/2012 18:39

I haven't ever left the DCs before as it is not a very easy thing to do practically when you have 4 so little. Obviously, it was our decision to have them and I don't begrudge this but when it comes to occasions we have had to say no or one of us has gone.

My DH can not give up the job as it is a big contract and it is a very competitive business. It would effect our income for years to come. I know that sounds callous but we have to think about the family long term.

I am not adverse to leaving the DCs in childcare but finding the right (and affordable) childcare is very difficult.

I think, as has been suggested, I will write down all the avenues I have tried and present them to DB so he can see that I have tried and see if he has any ideas. I love my DB very much and I understand that he wants me there and I am obviously very happy that that is the case but there are so many obstacles. He does not have DCs at the moment and doesn't understand how difficult things like this can be. I did say to him on the phone that I will remind him of this if he has DCs one day!

OP posts: