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Original poster

Do I go to brother's wedding?

255 replies

RainQueen · 15/10/2012 08:23

My brother is getting married next year but has decided not to have any children at the wedding. My children are the only children in the family. They are 2, 3, 5 and 6.

I was fine with their decision but said that as my DH and I have no childcare and the wedding is 5 hours from our home I wouldn't be going but we could have a celebration seperately after the event.

This all seemed to be agreed until I got an e-mail from my Mum begging me to go and alying it on thick about it being my brother's one wedding etc etc. I thought this was just my Mum getting emotional so I rang my brother to get his opinion.

I was shocked that he said he expected me to attend and would not forgive me if I didn't. It is possible for me to go on my own (DH would have to saty with the DCs) but it would mean my DH rearranging a busy work scedule and me staying away for 2 nights, including my DS's 7th birthday. Financially, it would be a stretch but as my brother pointed out I have been given a year's notice!

I have never stayed away before and don't really want to go on my own. However, I don't want to fall out over this. When DH and I got married it was a registry office with two witnesses so I have never understood the fuss over weddings!

Anyway, WWYD? I have a feeling I will have to go to keep the peace but I am upset that I will have to leave my DCs and go on my own.

OP posts:
YouOldSlag · 15/10/2012 19:41

ladybayblues- it's nothing to do with the OP being afraid or reluctant to go alone. It is her brother's wedding so she will know about half the people there!

You are missing the point. She cannot get child care, the wedding is five hours away, and her DH absolutely cannot take a day off as it is a National event and he could lose future business. Since he is the sole earner and self employed, a wedding is not a good enough reason for him to pull out.

OP you may love your brother but he's not showing you much consideration with this talk of leaving your children (one of them on his birthday!) to go to the wedding or he will never forgive you!

cleanandclothed · 15/10/2012 19:43

I can understand (just about) a couple wanting a child free wedding. I think this is a bit unusual when it excludes nieces and nephews. But I cannot understand the grandparents in this situation putting pressure to exclude children. Surely when you choose a wedding date you check with your immediate family? And if you are excluding immediate family children then you check that childcare is possible? I think therefore that your mum is key here.

Having said all of that, if the worst came to the worst in your shoes I would go. It would rankle for ages and I would try to make DB see this, but I would set up a babysitter now, and get them to come round a few times before the wedding, so by the time the wedding came they were not a stranger.

ladydayblues · 15/10/2012 20:06

Sure I got all that was looking at ...but I am upset that I will have to leave my DCs and go on my own... which indicates to me that OP has a vague idea that there are some solutions.

Incidently perhaps OP can approach the soon to be SIL and discuss??

Also its not that people with DCs dont understand the difficulties of organising childcare, some people who do have children are baffled that others with DCs seem compelled to walk with them everywhere.

Is the OH away all the wknd for his work commitment? Or will he be home in the evening? Perhaps day time child care could be hunted out and found within a year, enough time to introduce DCs to a minder.

Still as you are the only sister and these are the only GCs & its such an almightly hassle, I do think he can compromise and allow them, but bear in mind that as your OH is occupied it will be you alone coping out of their usual environment. So do you really want to take them?

Interested in this thread?

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Weddings
MrsCampbellBlack · 15/10/2012 20:16

Lady - I believe the OP said she'd have taken then on her own as her parents would be there to help

Yama · 15/10/2012 20:24

I wouldn't go.

It's all very well for people to suggest possible childcare options but really ... at the weekend and late into the night? No, I wouldn't even begin to start organising this.

If your brother takes a cream puff then it is he who causes the family rift.

onedaysandy · 15/10/2012 20:30

I suspect that, as he doesn't have children yet, your brother has no idea how tricky it is to arrange childcare, and even how difficult it is leaving your own children overnight. And he probably won't understand till he's a dad himself.

In your position I wouldn't go.

squeaver · 15/10/2012 20:42

Absolutely, get a babysitter bedded in now. Then you and our dh might get a bit of a social life too - don't you go out now?

hermioneweasley · 15/10/2012 20:49

Really torn on this - it really is like your Db is trying to make it as hard as poss to attend! I think you said it had to be 2 nights due to train, but could you hire a car and travel early on the morning of the wedding?

I think ultimately I would try and go for a night on my own, but I would be deeply unimpressed that DB had made it so hard.

changeforthebetter · 15/10/2012 20:55

I'm in the don't go camp. No way would I miss a 7 yo birthday. Childfree weddings yadda yadda. Fine but lots of people do have kids. If your presence is so vital to him then surely your kids are part of that. Good luck with your decision YANBU

PoohBearsHole · 15/10/2012 20:56

Sorry, re read my post and it didn't one out right!

Hs you db specifically said that your children are not invited? really? I get not inviting dc of boss/very distant rellies, friends But your own sisters kid is a bit bonkers! Are they terribly badly behaved? Do they run screaming with knives slashing madly? Because that is the only possible reason they shouldn't be there, you know if they might INJUR someone Hmm. Has he said child free wedding as in no others will be there but yours are welcome! I was just wondering if you had both mistaken one another?

Either way you need to get you dmum on side.

MrsCampbellBlack · 15/10/2012 20:56

How many babysitters would do a 48 hour stint though? I regularly use babysitters but wouldn't leave my children for that long with one - only family really. That's not unusual I don't think.

squeaver · 15/10/2012 21:06

She only needs a sitter to look after the kids while her dh is at work.

Or to look after the kids at the evnue while she's at the wedding.

squeaver · 15/10/2012 21:06

Her dh can't go anyway.

DontmindifIdo · 15/10/2012 21:09

Well, if your brother wants you there, he needs to accept that you have 4 DCs and your DH can't look after them, so a compromise seems to me that you take the DCs with you, but someone looks after them during the ceremony (maybe a less close relative or a family friend, or just hire a local babysitter for the 1 or so hours of the ceremony) then you could look after them at the reception (there should be enough family to help you with 4 DCs staying quiet during the speeches).

Or if he doesn't want to compromise, he can't actually be all that fussed about you being there.

If they are getting married in a hotel the hotel should have a list of babysitters they regularly use to help you out.

StrawberryMojito · 15/10/2012 21:15

Your DB is being selfish. I went to a 'child free' wedding at the weekend and there were a couple of children belonging to close family there, exceptions can and should be made. Why is he being so stubborn about this, have you actually asked him to reconsider? I also wouldn't miss a 7 year old DCs birthday. I would happily take them to the wedding and give them a birthday treat another day but I would definitely be with them.

You and your parents need to talk to him about the reality of this. If he still wants a child free wedding, he can have one and you spend the day with your kids.

onedev · 15/10/2012 21:16

I'm shocked at your DB & DPs TBH if you're a close family - how can your children not be invited? Sad

I totally agree that it's the Bride & Groom's day & if they choose child free then that's their prerogative but normally exceptions are made for close family Confused & as others have said, if they're saying no children, then they shouldn't also insist you attend.

Good luck though & hope it gets sorted as weddings can cause all kinds of rifts for a long long time.

DontmindifIdo · 15/10/2012 21:18

Also remember, you brother wants you there for the wedding you really could just try to line up someone to look after them just for hte ceremony and then you leave. You've then seen him get married and then left due to childcare issues that he won't solve

StrawberryMojito · 15/10/2012 21:23

I also can't believe that your DB has arranged his big day on his nephews birthday (not a big deal in itself) but then insisted that his all of his nephews family are at a celebration elsewhere that he is not invited to leaving his 7yr old nephew with no bitrthday celebrations or family and being looked after by a childminder...nice!

YouOldSlag · 15/10/2012 21:48

I agree Strawberry. Sometimes clashes happen, but then to insist birthday boy is without his parents on his big day and get annoyed when this is not agreed to is beyond the pale.

Original poster
RainQueen · 16/10/2012 07:09

Thanks for all your replies. Just to make it clear, the DCs are definately not invited. No exceptions. He rang to tell me shortly after they were engaged. I had assumed that we would all be invited up to that point. And my DCs aren't badly behaved at all. They can sit in restaurants and behave and be taken out and about.

And to answer squeaver no DH and myself do not have much time to ourselves at the moment and have not been away since we had the DCs. That is the way things are for us right now with 4 young DCs and I don't resent that as it is just a phase in our lives. I have no real longing to get away from the DCs and so I have never used a babysitter or childminder. Both DH and I work but we plan our work and my shifts around each other.

I understand that weddings are important to people but my DCs are important to me and I do not believe that they will grow up to feel entitled because of this. Our world does not revolve around them as such because of all our work and day to ay life.

I do not want to upset anyone but this situation is not of my making and I do not feel equiped to sort it out. Our day to day life is a juggle as it is with work and shift commitments as well as all the usual school stuff and to start trying to add childcare and public transport into the mix is going to be too much I think. Sad

OP posts:
AngelsWithSilverWings · 16/10/2012 07:36

My DS was 7 yesterday - I would not have missed that for anything.

My DH and I often go for long weekends away while the kids stay with their GPs but I would never ever leave them on their birthday.

I remember my 7th birthday , can even remember some of the presents I got and I'm 42!

Your DB may not forgive you but this problem is of his own making. You have to stick to your guns but don't allow it to turn into an argument. You have to just keep repeating the reasons why you can't attend and that you are gutted to miss it but there is no solution other than to bring the children with you.

3duracellbunnies · 16/10/2012 07:48

Not sure if it has been said before, but is it a church wedding? You can't stop people attending a church wedding even if you are bridezilla otherwise you'd never get the 'has anyone any objections pause in the movies'. You could be a bit cheeky go with the children to the ceremony then go off and do your own thing. It is a load of hassle for you for a short service, but might be a compromise situation.

In your position I wouldn't go. We only invited nieces and nephews to our wedding but would understand if someone couldn't get childcare then they couldn't come. Most people didn't have children and it was a decision between children of cousins whom we didn't really see more than once every few years or close friends.

YouOldSlag · 16/10/2012 08:04

OP, you are doing your best and your brother hasn't made one iota of effort to accommodate you. He has set the bar too high for you and he is beyond unreasonable to be annoyed with you for not being able to meet his ridiculous demand.

Keep working on your Mum. It looks unlikely that you can go. If you just had one baby, solutions are easier to find, but with four under seven, I think the logistics would just defeat me.

Do get someone to whisper in your DB's ear though as obviously he is clueless about the pitfalls of childcare. It sounds like he genuinely believes you can just book a stranger from BabysittersRUs and he needs to have his eyes opened.

This is really unfair on you.

2cats2many · 16/10/2012 08:20

OP you sound as though you have tried your hardest to come up with a solution to this, but Unless your bro compromises, you won't be able to go. He's just going to have to accept that.

I never understand why some people put so many conditions on a wedding. At the end of the day, its a family party- the B and G are being welcomed into each others families, noisy children warts and all. Why does it have to be such a staged affair?

PoohBearsHole · 16/10/2012 10:03

Don't worry I wasn't suggesting that your dc were badly behaved Grin just that if they were to run around slashing wildly ala texas chainsaw massacre then I could see why they might not be on the list............ my sarcasm at times isn't always that great Grin

I think the only person who is going to look like a numpty here is your db, your dh has to work, taking the dc with him is not really the best or most useful option, if he has no family that are able to help out then the option really is to not go or take your children. You shouldn't be made to feel like you are in the wrong with regards to this, sounds like you have Mr and Mrs Bridezilla on your hands!

The minute he has his first born he will come running straight back to you apologising profusely I would expect, but in the mean time as I previously said get your mum on side, at least that way if you aren't at the wedding it will be known it is because your children weren't invited and you had no option rather than Rain is being a drama queen Smile