DH offered a job in Dubai

[SESthebrave]

DH has often spoken about taking a job abroad. Initially I was clear that I wouldn't choose to do that but he would start trying to describe the detail when he hadn't received a concrete offer. In the end - about 3or 4years ago - I said to him that he knew how I felt but that I wouldn't be in a position to make a firm decision until he had a definite offer - ie salary, country, etc.
In the last 3-4yrs there have probably been about 10 specific jobs he has spoken about where they may be interested. These have all been in either Qatar, Dubai or Australia but have never resulted in a firm offer.

That is until today. On Monday DH mentioned he'd had an email about a job in Dubai. Suddenly today, there is an email with a firm offer.

There are a number of reasons why I don't want to move abroad, some of them I admit are selfish. My reasons are:

• DC2 is due on 27th May. I do not want to move before the baby is born or within the first 2-3 months after the baby is here. DH has said that he may have to move out there in that time and could be away for the birth.
• I have lived in the town we are in since I was 2yo and have family (my parents) and friends here as well as roots in the community through our church.
• my career is going well and I have built up good service with my company and have agreed with my boss that upon return from ML, I will be pushing for promotion. I could apply for a 1yr career break after ML but that would not guarantee me a job at my current grading and would write off thoughts of prompt promotion
• I'm worried I would be bored without work and my usual mummy friends.
• DS is 2.10yo and settled well at nursery with a good group of friends.
• I'm not sure I want for us all to be so far away from family. Neither my parents nor DH's parents enjoy the best of health and would not travel to visit us.

There are obviously advantages. These are:

• financially, we would have a good income tax free. Car and villa are provided with utilities paid.
• DH may not get another opportunity and he really wants to do it.
• DH would probably be looking for another job anyway within 12 months as he finds his current one stressful. Another job would likely mean a play cut in the current economic climate.

We've talked things through this evening but can't seem to find a solution we are both happy with. Please help!

Shameless bump!

Hi,
I'm currently in Dubai and love it (although I know most of mn hate the place!)
We came over 4 years ago as a newly married couple, like you I had reservations about leaving behind my old life/ friends/ family.

This month I am currently packing to move back to the uk and Paris for a year and I'm dreading it. I have made lovely friends, had my two dc's here and have settled. This is home to me now.

I don't know what the answer is for you but If I can be of any help re Dubai or e relocation please just ask

Personally I wouldn't do it. a friend there hates it, due to the heat, the hours drive to nursery along scaring busy roads, the stress if anything goes wrong with the husbands job. Most of her friends come back to uk for 2-3 months each summer to avoid the worst of the heat.

Maybe look at a leaving plan - how long would you stay, what would it mean to your career. I think it's also very expensive tax wise if you hate it and want to leave early.

We're in the process of moving to Qatar. It's a big decision, isn't it? And not helped by the fact that you are pregnant.

I would say that the fact you are having a baby is the biggest issue here. It's really not ideal timing (the job offer, obviously) and I suspect that this time 18 months ago I would have said no. Having said that, due to the economic climate, DH ended up working 300 miles away from when I was 5 months pregnant until DD3 was 5 months old. He was home for 40 hours a week. I'm not saying it's the same but we did survive.

I would say that then both your careers are the next biggest issue. I am a SAHM ( although largely because DH has alway worked silly hours with a long commute or has worked away and I would fail miserably to juggle teaching with three kids under five, pick ups drop offs, planning etc) so that was a non- issue for us. Is your DH's offer temporary? And would it fit in with maternity and a year's career break? It might give him a chance to scratch the itch as it were? Can completely understand that you want to protect your career though.

I would gently and kindly suggest that the fact you've lived in the same place since you were two and that your not yet three year old is settled aren't really issues. It's the fear talking. Bt your three year old will adapt, we temporarily relocated across the Pennines (ok, so not quite the same but removed from friends) when DD1 was this age and she was fine. Barely blinked!

I believe (and fervently hope) that expat communities generally have good networks for supporting newcomers; it certainly looks that way in Qatar. Try asking On the living overseas board.

In the end for us it boiled down to the fact that DH,s current contract was only til June, the one being offered was for two years and would be a good step for his career. Hs current wage has been really good so not massively better off but he could well have been earning nothing in four months - he had a spell of six months out of work a couple of years ago. The children (5,3 and 1) are young enough to adapt.

Good luck

What's the tax situation with the uk? Unless you cut a lot of ties and stay away a fair while, you might end up paying tax anyway
Hmmmm hard. No way I'd go to dubai but that's cos I think it sounds awful. How about a visit to see what you think? Have to go quick tho if you're due in may

If its likely to be only for 12 months could you not stay here and travel to him on visits, as you'll be on maternity leave you won't have work to think about so could do extended visits but still come home after? Maybe not ideal and would mean you being alone with the children a lot but would allow him to take the job but means you're not stuck there. Sorry I've never been so no idea if this would be financially viable.

Thank you for your replies!
It's really useful and good to hear from some of you that have done / are doing the same thing.

When DH first mentioned the initial speculative email on Monday, he said it would be for about 3yrs. The email offer he showed me had no timescales attached and he said it isn't a time bound offer but a permanent one. If it worked out we would stay, if not he thought we'd probably be gone for about 3yrs unless we both really hated it and came back sooner.

I like the idea of going over to look but not sure on flying restrictions. I'm 28wks pg on Sunday and am a high risk pregnancy for various reasons. I have a MW appointment next Tues so could check with her then.

I would wait till the baby is born and go. Regret doing something rather than not doing it.

If you decide to take up the job offer it would probably take a few months to sort things out, so it could well be that you get to have your baby at home. I think we had the offer in sept and moved around the middle of jan the following year. Visa's, permits and other things take a while.

I would also recommend coming here before you decide. I flew home to the uk t 34 weeks and back here at 35 weeks. It would be horrendous to turn up here with no clue with what to exspeact.

Your would have to consider schooling if you are going to be here long enough, the process of a placement can be drawn out and expensive. Would your dh contract include school fees?

Look on expat women Dubai for more info.

Sorry for typo's currently sat on iPad, nursing ds who is 4 weeks....doing all of this sat in the garden, 22 degrees and sunny

Normally I'm all for spending time abroad but I really can't see why you would go in your circumstances. What is it that DH finds appealing about working abroad? Does he think a job there would be less stressful? (I can't see why that would be the case) or offer better promotion prospects? And what about your career, what would you be risking to make this move?

Well it would be tax free for a start, I can see the attraction totally. If dh were to be offered a job in a tax free country we could save a lot of money just from banking tax money and petrol/diesel costs. Over three years that becomes an impressive chunk.

A bit more about our current jobs as there's been a few queries and references to this.

DH works in construction and for the last 12 months has been feeling stressed and unhappy in his current role. He has looked at other jobs in the UK but has found that due to the recession, he'd end up having to take a pay cut. He's recently moved to a different role in the same company on the same Ts&Cs but still not 100% happy. His current salary is around £80k.

For me, I'm a pharmacist working with Boots. I've worked my way up from being a pharmacy graduate to pharmacist to store manager and currently do a field role line managing about 40 pharmacists and supporting their development. I have significant length of service and pension scheme. My boss has identified me as a top performer this year and I have also been nominated for a Best of the Best Award for Field Manager in the SE. I work 4.5 days a week and earn around £45k.

barbie1 - the offer includes school fees for up to 2 children. (I do like the sound of being sat in the garden in 22 degrees too!)

hi ses -

i wouldnt go in your situation

dubai gets very hot i hate the heat
i hate travelling
settled here with friends and family
u r pregnant better to stay here in that situation especially as high risk
you have a very gd job and earn a very good salary
kids settled
that is u

from dhs point of view -
he has been unhappy in current job and getting very stressed so he sees this as a great oppurtunity

my dh worked in munich germany
i met him on the internet he was in germany then
in april 2002 we moved out there both due to come back to uk in sept he was offered longer contract till dec i came back sept he got back dec
while out there i found it very hard in apartment on my own all day in an unfamilair country got very anxious was quite ill

I haven't a clue what I would do but more than likely I would stay here. I love the sunshine and that would be very very tempting but I'd be losing my friends and family. In your case there is also your career.

My friend has agreed to babysit on Saturday evening so we're going to go out and talk about it over dinner. It's hard to see a compromise here. One of us will get what we want and the other won't :(

I would go. I am on my 2nd overseas posting with DH at the moment. It is hard to be so far away but kids really are adaptable and for me personally, I would always have wondered 'what if?' if we hadn't gone. It could be an amazing opportunity for your oldest to experience a different culture and widen your family's horizons. I would also gently suggest that staying in the same town your whole life is not always a good thing in giving your kids the confidence to travel later in life and be adventurous.

I do think Dh should try and negotiate the start date after May though so you can have your baby in familiar surroundings. One of the most stressful aspects of moving is the practical stuff like finding a house, unpacking your stuff when it arrives, buying a car, finding the nearest supermarket, setting up bank accounts etc. so maybe it would be best if your DH went on ahead and did all that and you could just fly out later with the kids and step into your ready made new life?

Good luck in your decision. The important thing, whatever you decide, is that neither of you resents the other for missed opportunities. It sounds like your Dh has always longed to do something like this so maybe you compromise and say it has to be for a fixed 3 yrs. he gets his overseas experience and you know you 'll be coming home one day. 3 yrs with young Dc is not long.

It doesn't sound like there is anything in this for you at all. A country where you could work - maybe? If you were struggling for money - maybe? But not this option. I think you could be enormously resentful and bored.

There is nothing to stop you applying for work after your mat leave. You'd be able to afford a nanny out there, eliminating the child are concern. I'd definitely go, we're in construction too and would love to head back to the ME. Tax free is a def bonus, just be discliplined enough to stash the savings away. I think you have to be out of the UK April to April to qualify for tax free

Most of her friends come back to uk for 2-3 months each summer to avoid the worst of the heat.

Getting 2 or 3 months off in the summer to come back to UK can only be a good thing surely? Lots of time for family and friends...
I thought that was standard, living there.

I know someone who's been there for years. Married with DC.

mmm... I am on the fence on this one.

If you weren't pregnant, it would an open and shut case. Go! Go! Go!

Given that you are pregnant, however, I really think that you need to have a think about the true practicality of having a tiny baby in a foreign country - or moving to a foreign country with a newborn. In your situation, I think I would have to wait until after the birth at the very least. I moved country when DS2 was 7 weeks old and was actually quite easy.

I think it would very exciting to live in Dubai. It is surrouned by some incredible places - I visited Oman last year and fell totally in love. In terms of living somewhere, I personally prefer Abu Dhabi but this probably isn't an option for you as the company that sponsor you will most likely want you to reside in emirate where you are employed.

Good luck. This is a difficult decision.

But SES isn't in construction, she's a pharmacist - and clearly a good one! But I think pretty much zero chance of being able to work there.

I think there are stages of life when upping sticks to work abroad can fit in more easily with the overall life plan - for example, before you have children (which is when I did it) or when children are small and one partner has chosen to step off the career ladder for a period of time (as with family members I have in Dubai) or where both careers can be accommodated up to a point (as with family members I have in China). There is certainly no right answer but as yet I don't think SES has been able to articulate what is in it for them as a partnership and as a family that would make it worth her giving up her close community, support network and impressive career.

I do understand the DH's desire to look for more fulfilling work, and to increase the financial security of the family. Construction is a tough market in a recession. But it's not clear why he finds the current role stressful (he's moved internally once already) and how the overseas option would be better, except better paid - which I'm not dismissing as a reason! If SES can increase her income after her maternity leave, perhaps the DH can take a job on a lower salary and have it even out.

please double check the job situation in Dubai as lots of people are still leaving esp in construction, one of my friends dh is in construction and they are working month by month and not sure if they will still be there next month.

And as far as the stress goes, it is by no means stress free, my dh was working at least 12hrs a day with 1 day off a week, and he isn't in construction!!! Yes salary is tax free and the petrol is cheap compared to the UK but there is tax on everything else and shopping is expensive.

Sorry to be so negative but you have to look at the good and the bad, it is starting to hot up now and it's just March and not everyone can leave for 2 or 3 months every year

I reckon with Dubai, you either love the idea. of it, or hate it. Personally I find it scary - the rules and regulations that can put you in jail for things which are completely ok over here, the heat, the fact you can't go for a nice walk in the afternoon because its too hot. Are you a shopping mall/beauty spa type person? Because that seems to be what's in it for you. ( from my extremely limited knowledge)