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Original poster

Friend turns out to be a sponging liar. What would you do?

99 replies

nenevomito · 03/10/2011 13:41

Lets say that you had a friend who when going through a break up with her ex claimed that she was so poor that she begged for your help with some things, so you bought her children clothes, paid some of her bills and in fact spent around £200 on Christmas presents and food for their children after said friend had claimed in tears that they would get nothing as they had no money at all to live on.

Now imagine that 9 months later while said friend is bitching about someone else who is struggling lets it slip that they had a couple of grand stashed away during their breakup, forgetting, apparently that they had had so much money from you. They also tell you about how they managed to keep it saved so they had bought a big ticket item with it, after you had the worst January ever paying off someone else's Christmas bill.

Would you...

a. Chalk it up to the fact that you were a mug, then cut them out of your life completely with no explanation as they deserve nothing more from you, not even words.

OR

b. Chalk it up to the fact that you were a mug, then cut them out of your life completely after telling them exactly why you were doing it, even if it makes you look like a screaming fishwife as you don't think you can trust yourself not to lose it.

OP posts:
Tianc · 10/10/2011 12:39

Actually I like babyheave's original (maybe with a little editing).

It mentions that that this wasn't money she could easily spare and her generosity left her struggling herself ? which she did willingly in the belief her friend was in need. And it makes the point that this is part of a pattern of behaviour, not a bizarre freakout at a time when the friend was disorganised and confused due to break-up stress.

"Friend" could try to use email to try to badmouth babyheave, but I think babyheave's original will be too revealing and shameful for her to try that.

onlylivinggirl · 10/10/2011 12:51

I like wellwishers- I don't think you should focus on the way she behaved at the lunch etc.

But I think you should speak to her face to face and actually ask her for the money back. I would just say you know last time we met when you explained how organised that you had been in saving money ... well that means that you didn't need the money I lent you so can I have it back.

Tianc · 10/10/2011 12:52

Dear x,

You know that I've not been in touch a lot recently and to be honest its to do with what happened last time we met up.

It had been a while since we'd met and I was in two minds whether to come considering that you'd been either off or just plain rude by ignoring me on the last occasions. When mid-point through lunch and it became apparent that you'd only suggested we meet for lunch as you needed someone to take your large bags home for you, I felt like I'd had just about enough as I don't like feeling used.

The lunch went on in a similar vein. where apart from asking one question mid-flow about xxxx Almost the entire hour was filled with you criticising a stream of people and talking about your own dramas. The final straw, however was when you were criticising xxxx about how they don't manage their finances properly and particularly about not paying people back.

During that conversation, as you criticised xxx and told me about the large sum of money you'd kept aside when you broke up with xxxx, you appeared to have forgotten how much I helped you out financially at that time.

During that period while I bought your children clothes, gave you money towards your bills and then spent a hell of a lot of money at Christmas providing you with everything from gifts down to sellotape and paper to wrap them with, I did it believing that you were in desperate straights straits. I struggled all through January to pay off your Christmas bill as well as my own, but I believed I was helping a friend in dire need. To find out that you had a substantial amount of money put aside in the bank all the time made makes me realise that you had have taken me for a ride.

I probably should have done this before back in January, while as I struggled to pay off your Christmas bill as well as my own, you bought treated yourself to things like a new mattress, but better late that never.

You have hurt me, you have used me and then watched me struggle taken me for a ride and I can no longer have any wish to be friends with you because of it.

babyheave

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 10/10/2011 13:05

The shorter the better, but I'd use Wellwisher's version and add back your line about how you really struggled to pay off her Christmas.

babyheavingmassofmaggots · 10/10/2011 13:46

Tianc, I like that. However whats becoming pretty clear is that there isn't a good way to do this by email so I'm back to doing it in person as the only sensible choice.

Right, here's the plan. I am going to get in touch and ask to meet her one lunch this week. I can't do it today as I've left my phone at home (shit excuse as I could always fb her, but bare with me on this one.)

I am going to let her buy me coffee as fuck it, she owes me.

I will explain why I'm pissed off.

I will report back.

.

Tianc · 10/10/2011 14:10

Ooh, good luck!

Btw, do you actually hope to get the money back?

If so, the end of your email speech would not be "I no longer wish to be friends" but "In the circumstances, the only decent thing would be for you to pay me that money back. You can't undo the rotten January I had, but at least you can make amends for the actual money."

And then cut her out of your life.

GoresHairKnickers · 10/10/2011 14:21

Yes, good luck! she's no friend in my book.

thisisyesterday · 10/10/2011 14:26

i don't think you need to go over "you said this that and the other" during the lunch.
she was there. she knows what was said, and it's a bit irrelevant.

the main problem is her taking you for a ride. don't get bogged down in the conversation going on when you found out. stick to the "i lent you money which i could ill-afford and then found out you'd had lots set aside already, i don't feel i can be your friend"

otherwise you will end up arguing over who said what and when it was said etc etc and lose track of the actual issue which is her allowing you to spend money you didn't have when actually she didn't need it

RickGhastley · 10/10/2011 14:27

coffee and 100 cakes I hope, The sponging cow owes you a fortune!

Eviekins · 10/10/2011 14:31

What would I do? I would forgive her. I would decide that I gave the money to her and the children as a gift - because I do not want to store bitterness in my heart. I would think very carefully about why I felt the need to rescue her in the first place. I would ask myself if I was a complete victim or at least shared some responsibility for what happened. I would decide whether to continue my friendship with her. If yes, then I would set boundaries. If no, I would tell her I did not want to be her friend anymore. If she asked why, I would tell her. I would move on, a stronger person. I am just offering this as an alternative. Be true to yourself.

SwearyMary · 10/10/2011 15:26

Good luck babyheave, its totally the right thing to do. Be strong, keep eye contact. Tell it like it is. Then leave.
Then report back here.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 10/10/2011 16:26

Eviekins are you the OP's friend? Wink

babyheavingmassofmaggots · 10/10/2011 16:30

I was about to say - regardless of why I helped her out I would have to be a special kind of stupid to still want any kind of friendship with someone who would let me support her whist sitting on a wadge of her own cash.

Its not what I need to do - its how I need to do it.

AuntieMaggie · 10/10/2011 17:52

good luck babyheave

reelingintheyears · 10/10/2011 19:49

You ok babyheave?

It would piss me right off too.

Eviekins...have you been on the whackybaccy for too long?

Peace and lurve is fine but being taken advantage of is not fine.

gapants · 10/10/2011 19:55

babyheave Yes, so proud that you are even considering this, get it all out, you will feel AMAZING to say it to her straight.

Nerves= good, your adrenalin is pumping, you use that energy and sock it to her (with words!) Big Gin and Tonic before she rocks up. YOU CAN DO IT

warthog · 10/10/2011 20:08

good luck babyheave.

do this for your own self esteem - stand up for yourself and tell people that they can't trample all over you and take you for a hot, steaming Brew

you will feel a lot better afterwards.

FearTricksPotter · 10/10/2011 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Eviekins · 10/10/2011 20:37

Amazingbouncingferret, I hope not, she sounds awful but I do know people like her - people who are narcissistic and only think about themselves. I think it's sad and I feel sorry for them but I protect myself. Babyheave, whatever you decide to do, hold your head up. Reelingingintheyears, never had the whaccybaccy but am sick in bed with pneumonia so maybe it's lack of oxygen? :)

Jix · 12/10/2011 20:56

How did it go Babyheave? Did you talk to her in the end?

babyheavingmassofmaggots · 12/10/2011 21:18

No, because I am shit and I chickened out again. My pathetic excuse is that I am having a bad week and have other things to worry about.

I will do it though. Eventually Blush

GHAHSTLYGHOULYpants · 12/10/2011 21:22

You will do it, when you are ready, no pressure from us lot! Grin

You need your head in the zone to deliver what you need to say. Hope your "other stuff" is not too heavy x

Jix · 13/10/2011 18:29

Tbh you might not need to say anything anyway .. you know in your own head what she's like now and you won't fall for her sob stories again.

And anyway, she'll never understand your point of view. For her she'll assume everyone thinks like she does and will have savings tucked away. She just won't understand why you don't do the same. I reckon she'd never dip into her savings to help anyone out, no matter how dire the emergency!

wellwisher · 29/10/2011 20:30

babyheave have you said anything to her yet?

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