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Original poster

Friend turns out to be a sponging liar. What would you do?

99 replies

nenevomito · 03/10/2011 13:41

Lets say that you had a friend who when going through a break up with her ex claimed that she was so poor that she begged for your help with some things, so you bought her children clothes, paid some of her bills and in fact spent around £200 on Christmas presents and food for their children after said friend had claimed in tears that they would get nothing as they had no money at all to live on.

Now imagine that 9 months later while said friend is bitching about someone else who is struggling lets it slip that they had a couple of grand stashed away during their breakup, forgetting, apparently that they had had so much money from you. They also tell you about how they managed to keep it saved so they had bought a big ticket item with it, after you had the worst January ever paying off someone else's Christmas bill.

Would you...

a. Chalk it up to the fact that you were a mug, then cut them out of your life completely with no explanation as they deserve nothing more from you, not even words.

b. Chalk it up to the fact that you were a mug, then cut them out of your life completely after telling them exactly why you were doing it, even if it makes you look like a screaming fishwife as you don't think you can trust yourself not to lose it.

OP posts:

KatharineClifton · 03/10/2011 16:02

Aye I know EricNorthamsMistress, but it seems that some people have a completely different sense of morality, or none really.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 03/10/2011 19:48

babyheave. You need to tell her why you are cutting her out. For your own sake.

CristinadellaPizza · 03/10/2011 19:51

You can do it babyheave. You really can. You will feel soooo much better if you let her have the force of your anger. Who cares if you shout? You should shout. She has behaved really badly. Arrange to meet her for a coffee in a place you never go, and prep yourself. Then do it and walk. It will be really cathartic

Original poster

nenevomito · 03/10/2011 20:24

Well she called earlier, so I took a deep breath and...didn't answer it.

I really don't think I can. Erk.

OP posts:

gapants · 03/10/2011 20:27

No, you CAN, really. have a good think about what you want to say, have a quick run through. call her up and let rip. You will be shaking like a leaf, but honestly you CAN do it. and once you have started you will get into your stride.

ConfessionsOfaMask · 03/10/2011 20:50

babyheave, call her back and just let it all out. Then you can just walk away from this so-called friendship. You already know what I think on that subject but I'll repeat....

You're not a mug, you're lovely - I want to go and shout at her too for being so horrid, manipulative and lying to you.

KatharineClifton · 03/10/2011 21:04

Don't bother then. Concoct a one-line answer when she sees you out and about or knocks on your door. Something like 'You have really upset me. When I helped you out last Christmas you were taking the piss as you had your mattress money squirrelled away. Friends don't rip each other off' -then walk away or shut the door.

GossipWitch · 03/10/2011 21:13

B and I would so scream at her like a banshee, oh hang on, no I would be really sly and do to her what she did to you, then that way you get your money back, and you get revenge, and after xmas you can say ohh I've just remembered, I had a saving account with over a grand in it..... and if she spits crap at you just remind her that she did it to you!!!

Thumbwitch · 04/10/2011 02:48

oh I like KatherineClifton's response. Good one.

ZillionChocolate · 09/10/2011 15:42

What did you do?

If it's not too late, how about just asking for the money back. Tell her you need it for this Christmas. You know that things are going ok for her because she was able to buy the super expensive mattress.

babyheavingmassofmaggots · 09/10/2011 21:06

What did I do? (seasonal name change).

Well after her leaving really fucking annoying passive aggressive facebook statuses for a week or so, I too the brave step of hiding her posts.

She called me at the tail end of last week and said something about me not retuning her texts and calls and whether we would go out for a coffee. She then launched into a me me me me me me rundown at which point I said I was busy and would have to go.

So there you are. I am a giant piece of chicken shit. I know I need to talk to her, but there are so many things that are more important for me to sort out at the moment I don't know if I can be bothered!

AuntieMaggie · 09/10/2011 21:12

Once you tell her it'll be over and you can get on with your life. Can you meet her in a public place to tell her but not let her get a word in, just say what you need to and leave and get another friend to hang around nearby incase you need support?

thisisyesterday · 09/10/2011 21:20

agree definitely tell her.

people like this need to KNOW that they can't just go around doing things like this.
she's done it to you, she'll do it to other people

e-mail her if you can't face talking to her

babyheavingmassofmaggots · 09/10/2011 21:23

She did offer to buy me coffee to meet up.

Its really dumb when I think about it. I'm able to detach and bollock staff, so why not this?

I am a bit sad as we did get on well, but this was such a deal breaker for me as it showed that she didn't actually respect me or our friendship to have used me like that. Grrr, grr and thrice GRRRRR.

SwearyMary · 10/10/2011 08:00

This is so very different to bollocking staff though....this is a person who you thought was a loyal friend. I had to confront a friend about money recently, I almost chickened out but did talk to her in the end, it was uncomfortable to say the least but she did admit to trying to screw me over.
I would ring her and have it out over the phone, if I couldn't face to face her. Do it, she does need to know.

babyheavingmassofmaggots · 10/10/2011 09:06

last night, after being prodded by seeing this again, I tried to write an email explaining it to her, but there was no way I could manage to do it without sounding like an utter knob.

I think I may have actually used the words "as I listened to your tirade against xxxxxx, something snapped."

Arse.

flimflammery · 10/10/2011 09:20

I would make the most of the opportunity to make her squirm. Don't accuse, just ask calmly next time you see her. 'There's something that's been bothering me. You remember last Christmas when you were so upset you couldn't afford to buy the kids clothes, etc and I helped you out?' (pause for her to answer) 'All that time you actually had at least 1,000 pounds in savings, is that right?' (watch her squirm) 'So you were lying to me in order to get my money? Well, that's the end of our friendship then. Find someone else to sponge off.' Walk away.

bintofbohemia · 10/10/2011 09:59

Oh please say something to her. She really should know why you're being off with her!

thisisyesterday · 10/10/2011 11:28

be concise in your e-mail

just say something along the lines of

Dear X,
I am afraid you are right when you say I have been avoiding you and not answering calls.
I was very upset the other day when I you spoke about how much money you had saved up, and how you'd kept it all through your breask-up.
If you remember, during this time, I gave you a lot of money, as I thought you needed it. We struggled to do this, but as a friend I couldn't sit by and watch you without offering to help.
Now I realise you took me for a ride. You had money all the time and still you let me give you more to make your Christmas special.
I hope you can understand how hurt I feel by this, and that I don't really feel that the friendship can last any longer.

From babyheave.

you don't have to go into all the ins and outs. just the straightforward I lent you money, you're a scrounging bint, I don't really want to be friends any more

babyheavingmassofmaggots · 10/10/2011 12:08

Right here goes.

Dear x,

You know that I've not been in touch a lot recently and to be honest its to do with what happened last time we met up.

It had been a while since we'd met and I was in two minds whether to come considering that you'd been either off or just plain rude by ignoring me on the last occasions. When mid-point through lunch and it became apparent that you'd only suggested we meet for lunch as you needed someone to take your large bags home for you, I felt like I'd had just about enough as I don't like feeling used.

The lunch went on in a similar vein where apart from asking one question mid-flow about xxxx the entire hour was filled with you criticising a stream of people and talking about your own dramas. The final straw, however was when you were criticising xxxx about how they don't manage their finances properly and particularly about not paying people back.

During that conversation, as you criticised xxx and told me about the large sum of money you'd kept aside when you broke up with xxxx, you appeared to have forgotten how much I helped you out financially at that time.

During that period while I bought your children clothes, gave you money towards your bills and then spent a hell of a lot of money at Christmas providing you with everything from gifts down to sellotape and paper to wrap them with, I did it believing that you were in desperate straights. To find out that you had money put aside all the time made me realise that you had taken me for a ride.

I probably should have done this before back in January, while as I struggled to pay off your Christmas bill as well as my own, you bought treated yourself to things like a new mattress, but better late that never.

You have hurt me, you have taken me for a ride and I can no longer be friends with you because of it.

babyheave

babyheavingmassofmaggots · 10/10/2011 12:08

Too much?

Idohaveoneofthese · 10/10/2011 12:16

No, it's good.

You have put "bought treated yourself" in the second to last paragraph, btw.

wellwisher · 10/10/2011 12:18

I think thisisyesterday's email is better. The big issue here is the money and that gets lost in your long email about bags etc.

babyheavingmassofmaggots · 10/10/2011 12:20

OK how about...

I've not been in touch lately as you only bother to get in touch when you need something and since finding out from your own mouth what a sponging liar you are I have no more time for you.

Short, snappy?

wellwisher · 10/10/2011 12:25

Dear X,

I am afraid you are right when you say I have been avoiding you and not answering calls.

At lunch recently, you were criticising xxxx about how they don't manage their finances properly and particularly about not paying people back. During that conversation, as you criticised xxx and told me about the large sum of money you'd kept aside when you broke up with xxxx, you appeared to have forgotten how much I helped you out financially at that time.

Between October and December last year, I spent around £xxx to help you out. I bought your children clothes, gave you money towards your bills and then spent a lot of money at Christmas providing you with everything from gifts down to sellotape and paper to wrap them with. I did it believing that you were in desperate straits. To find out that you had money put aside all the time made me realise that you had taken advantage of me, and this was confirmed when you spent £1000 on your new mattress instead of offering to pay me back.

I hope you can understand how hurt I feel by this, and that I don't really feel that the friendship can last any longer.

babyheave

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