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Original poster

Friend turns out to be a sponging liar. What would you do?

99 replies

nenevomito · 03/10/2011 13:41

Lets say that you had a friend who when going through a break up with her ex claimed that she was so poor that she begged for your help with some things, so you bought her children clothes, paid some of her bills and in fact spent around £200 on Christmas presents and food for their children after said friend had claimed in tears that they would get nothing as they had no money at all to live on.

Now imagine that 9 months later while said friend is bitching about someone else who is struggling lets it slip that they had a couple of grand stashed away during their breakup, forgetting, apparently that they had had so much money from you. They also tell you about how they managed to keep it saved so they had bought a big ticket item with it, after you had the worst January ever paying off someone else's Christmas bill.

Would you...

a. Chalk it up to the fact that you were a mug, then cut them out of your life completely with no explanation as they deserve nothing more from you, not even words.

b. Chalk it up to the fact that you were a mug, then cut them out of your life completely after telling them exactly why you were doing it, even if it makes you look like a screaming fishwife as you don't think you can trust yourself not to lose it.

OP posts:

ShoutyHamster · 03/10/2011 14:16

Depends what you say, though, Annette. I see your point, but I'm not thinking of a screeching email full of personal insults- more a calm, factual, to the point email saying that now that you know the extent of her deception last Christmas, you no longer wish to have anything to do with her. That you don't need lying, scheming, thieving scumbags for friends - so goodbye.

MinnieBar · 03/10/2011 14:19

And then tell us what she says in response (if anything...)

Good luck!

AnnetteProfit · 03/10/2011 14:20

the Zen way is to presume that she will get her come uppance some how in the end - jsut WALK AWAY

WorzselMummage · 03/10/2011 14:22

What did she buy?

I'd want to do A, but i think it would probably en up being A. I can imagine feeling to hurt to be strong about it.

corygal · 03/10/2011 14:25

PLEASE DONT EMAIL. Being naive enough to write down a rant really could make you look like a mug if it's misused, which in hands such as those of your dear ex-friend cd be more likely.

I'm torn between a and b but suggest you choose whatever makes you feel better.

Tianc · 03/10/2011 14:29

If you do it by email be very explicit about her lies, the amounts of money, what she's done, etc.

Inexplicit "You know what you did" shit can be used against you, especially if it does go viral, because third parties will just go, "Huh, 6 of one, half a dozen of the other."

A cold, factual description of her dishonesty and vileness before screaming like a banshee is not something she's likely to share with others.

AnnetteProfit · 03/10/2011 14:31

she wont say " you are right i am wrong"
and even in the remote chance she does it will never be the same

what is to win?
i have observed similar behaviour in the break down of a marriage and it NEVER ENDS WELL

WhoresHairKnickers · 03/10/2011 14:32

b. Without a doubt.

It's just plain nasty to do that to a friend or anyone come to that. Who does that?!

PessimisticMissPiggy · 03/10/2011 14:34

I had a mate take me for a ride for a number of years paying for drinks, taxis, etc. when she cried poverty. Turns out she was saving up her money for a house deposit! Needless to say we're no longer friends.

planetpotty · 03/10/2011 14:39

You're angry, but justifyably so. I think face to face is nearly always best. The worst that could happen is you have a blazing row, even then I dont think you would feel any worse than now. You were not a mug by the way you were a friend it was your friend who was firmly in the wrong so dont feel annoyed at yourself just her. I would ask for at least some of the money back. Also face to face she is more likely to be able to give the reasoning behind it (even if it is complete crap) and you may feel better if say the money was actually put aside for say legal fees or something.

Front it out, get some of your money back for this Christmas even if its only a bit you will feel better.

What a crappy thing to happen to you :(

Grumpla · 03/10/2011 14:40

B, but in a very calm rational way.

E.g.

Dear X
As you know, last Xmas I helped you out by spending Y amount on you and your family, after you told me that you had no money. I struggled to find the cash but did so because I believed we were friends.

You have now revealed to me that all along you had Z amount saved up, which you spent on A item.

Perhaps you did not appreciate at the time how hard it was for me to find the money and the impact this had on my own family's Christmas plans and financial situation. However, you lied to me to obtain the money. I consider this to be little short of fraud and it is impossible for me to continue our friendship in these circumstances.

Fuck off to the far side of fuck

Thumbwitch · 03/10/2011 14:41

I'd do a because I can't stand confrontation like that, especially with someone basically dishonest. It will never go well and you are likely to be painted black by her forever and a day, so I wouldn't bother.

NEVER EMAIL STUFF LIKE THIS!! And what Annette said.

Do a. If she asks, then that's a different matter, you can tell her. But if she doesn't... well, either forget about it or send her a bill - or try and live with it and never lend anyone anything again because you'll be so pissed off about this that you'll be jaundiced for life.

SurprisEs · 03/10/2011 14:45

A. It's what I did with my lovely mother who has crippled me and DH with debt but manages to have expense clothes, manicure, regular hairdresser visits etc. Whilst I'm stuck in a studio flat wig DH and a 2 year old.

Original poster

nenevomito · 03/10/2011 14:57

So, Mostly Bs and a few As. Hmmm I need to think about this. Is email such a bad idea? I have been doing a, but she's not getting the hint.

What did she buy? She spent £1000 on a luxury mattress. No. I am not kidding.

Sigh.

I bloody hate confrontations like this. Things haven't been so good of late and discovering that someone has not only taken you for a ride, but doesn't even have the good grace to remember how much she has screwed you for really doesn't help.

OP posts:

AnnetteProfit · 03/10/2011 14:58

lol at EMAILING to say " i wont be your mate

if you do anythign
just gently say " i feel let down that you spent money when you told me you were hard up"

a WISE PERSON WOULD SAY this is the issue with lending money to mates - you give and shut up. or demand money back

MinnieBar · 03/10/2011 15:09

c. March into her house and take her sodding luxury mattress as re-payment.

d. Ask her for the money back?

Original poster

nenevomito · 03/10/2011 15:18

To be honest the money isn't the issue. When I helped her out I suspected I'd never get paid back as according to her her financial position was dire. She was absolutely in tears at Christmas about how her kids were going to go without and how she felt terrible as a mother, so I did it as a decent thing for a friend to do.

I still wouldn't be bothered if she hadn't told me that while she was sponging letting me help her out, she was sitting on a pot of money of her own.

Its the lying to me, the manipulation and also taking what I thought had been a good deed and turning it into me being an absolute bloody idiot for trusting her. I just feel sick to the bone about the whole thing.

OP posts:

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 03/10/2011 15:24

I'd do B - and I think Grumpla's wording was perfect. I don't blame you for being so upset about the lying and manipulation, but I hope it is some consolation for you to know that you did the right, kind, and caring thing in the circumstances as you thought they were. You are clearly a very special person, and she was lucky to have you as a friend. It's a shame she doesn't realise this. Maybe being told bluntly how much she's hurt you, and how unacceptable her behaviour was, will teach her a lesson.

gapants · 03/10/2011 15:27

Do not email her, she might do something syupid and post part of it On FB or similar. Leave no trace, face to face or on the phone at the very least. You need to get it off your chest with her and tell her what you are telling us. Shame on your "mate".

KatharineClifton · 03/10/2011 15:41

It could be that she couldn't access the money at the time?

Original poster

nenevomito · 03/10/2011 15:46

I'd like to think there was a mitigating reason behind it, but no, it was just in her bank. In the conversation where this came to light, she was really going to town on another person who in her view hadn't planned as well as she had for going through a tricky patch by putting savings aside.

I'd also like to think that if it was about not being able to access the cash that when she could, she would have at least offered to pay me some money back rather than blowing it all on herself.

I am still a giant stinking chicken unsure as to whether I can tackle this in person.

OP posts:

PetiteRaleuse · 03/10/2011 15:47

You were not a mug, you were a lovely friend that a lot of us would be lucky to have.

I agree you have to tell her how you feel. You never know, you might guilt her into paying you back. I know that isn't the issue but it's the principle. She tricked you into giving her money so she should pay it back.

I'd be wary of using an email to contact her unless you keep it very very factual. But I understand how hard it will be to confront her. I think you really need to for your own peace of mind though.

gapants · 03/10/2011 15:51

i had a similar situation with a very good mate, who really and truly betrayed me and almost cost me my job. Now as much as i was kacking it, I called her up, met her outside a coffee shop, ripped strips off her verbally, then turned on my heel and left. I gave her no chance to respond, and felt SOOOOOOO good about it. I called my BF and she came and met me afterwards where we toasted my bravery and had a stiff drink to calm myself.

EricNorthmansMistress · 03/10/2011 15:54

Katharine, anyone who knew they had money that they could access at a later date would ask to borrow money until they could access their own, then pay it back immediately. That's not what this woman did.

Original poster

nenevomito · 03/10/2011 15:58

Good for you gapants. I'd your nerve.

What I really wish is that I'd said something at the time rather than leaving it. It was just one of those situations where you're just so bloody shocked that anyone could possibly do that to you that you find yourself not even saying anything.

I am indeed a . But you are all very kind to say I'm not.

OP posts:

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