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dh just revealed he's lost/spent our savings

120 replies

earthswallowmeup · 04/07/2011 17:10

this is probably the wrong place but i'm a bit stunned. i really don't know what to do
i'm packing up to move to another country next week to start new life and business. dh has gone on ahead 2 months ago. he has just revealed he used most of our savings on a drug deal and it went wrong and the money is lost.
i can't believe it. i had no idea he was involved in anything like that or even knew people who were.
im still in shock. he told me a couple of hours ago. im busy with selling our things and sorting out house and ds has been sick past 24hrs so im too tired to think straight.
i just don't know what to do. i've cried and screamed and the facts remain the same, our flights are booked and non refundable
i just don't know what to do. to stay or go. what to do about dh.
he's suddenly like a stranger. his solution seemed to be to do something illegal to try to recoup loss. seriously. i'm in shock and have no-one i can tell about this

OP posts:
GwendolineMaryLacey · 05/07/2011 07:29

Just a turn of phrase. I've read this thread and all I can see is someone who is determined to do what they want to do anyway, regardless of what anyone says. So why post? What exactly does she want us to say?

ZacharyQuack · 05/07/2011 07:31

How do you know that the money has actually gone? He could have just transferred it to an account that you don't know about.

I'm not sure what country you are talking about, but if you went there with the children and things turned nasty, could he or his family stop you from taking the children out of the country? I think you should assume at this point that you cannot trust him.

nooka · 05/07/2011 07:49

I'm guessing it's a way to process her thoughts. That's certainly what I did when my world turned over. It was by hearing what other people thought that helped me to understand what I needed to do. Even though I didn't do what anyone advised it was still really helpful and supportive to have their input.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 05/07/2011 07:53

Fair point. I guess from the safety of my world it's a black and white issue. Different when you're going through it.

TheOriginalFAB · 05/07/2011 08:18

Do you think you are a strong woman because you are not acting like one. A strong woman would walk away from a stupid situation and forget the investment. A strong woman would realise her children's safety and happiness is worth a lot more than stuff that is replaceable.

Laquitar · 05/07/2011 08:37

You sound very naive for someone who lived in several countries and set up bussinesses abroad.

The drugs industry is not fluffy. If he really did a deal that 'gone wrong' then don't think those people will say 'hey mate, lets have a beer in the sunshine, here have a chocolate for your kids'. Seriousely, you really don't know what happens after deals gone wrong?

And if it wasn't true then there is probably another woman, maybe a casino or as another poster said he transfered the money into another account.

You need to protect your property there, sell it and bring the money here before he blows it up aswell. I would leave the dcs here and go alone. You don't need sunshine, you need a good solicitor.

Fifis25StottieCakes · 05/07/2011 10:09

At the weekend 3 people were stabbed near me. I would put moeny on it being something to do with drugs and no where near the money you are missing.

feckwit · 05/07/2011 10:31

I have a few points/questions.

Firstly re the money. You said it was in an overseas account (in the country you are moving to). How esactly did the money leave the account? Was it bank transferred? Withdrawn in cash? I am just trying to establish if you can identify whether the money went out in small amounts. I think you need clarity on where it actually went.

Next the drug deal. Was it here in the uk? In which case, surely your children are in more danger here? Or was it abroad? For me, I would want to be out of the country it took part in although I would be worried that if it came back to haunt him/you, you'll look culpable if you have "fled".

People are telling you to stay but I don't see it as that simple - your belongings have gone (haven't they? Did you find out if they have left yet?), you have no home - I think I read you rented and it has been re-rented on your vacation.

Did you say you have property in the country you are going to? You personally? Independently of your husband? In which case I say yes, go to that property but tell him you need to go alone for now, whilst he sorts himself out.

Do you speak the language out there? Have work identified? Have family and friends of your own (ie not his network?).

The children will be ok whatever you choose as long as you promote it in a positive fashion. It does seem to make sense to go because if you find it tough, presumably you can sell up and return here with some capital? If you stay though, you just need to make sure you are constantly positive and reassuring to them (I can say this with experience having moved several times).

Good Luck. Please feel free to pm me if you need an ear.

catinboots · 05/07/2011 10:39

Why have you come on here asking for advice? It is clear that you have decided you are going to go.

If you were seeking reassurance and approval then you won't find it here.

Sorry

earthswallowmeup · 05/07/2011 10:50

thanks everyone for your input.

as nooka said very well, i was literally unable to think yesterday in blind panic and shock. to be honest things don't seem a lot more rosy today but..onwards and upwards hey ho

thanks feckwit too, that's kind of where i'm at. the money was withdrawn in cash 8 months ago. the 'deal' as i understand was carried out by other people and dh decided to 'invest' by putting up cash through a friend of a friend. he was later told sorry mate it all went wrong etc..he has had no fall out, just lost all his cash.

we're in no imminent danger. i think he's just been taken for the fool he obviously is.

i didn't write here to get people to agree with me, i was desperate yesterday, i really felt i would go mad if i didn't have some contact with another human being and thank god for mumsnet, a forum where no matter how fucked up your situation someone will at least give their pov. it's really helped me stay sane through yesterday

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 05/07/2011 10:56

So he's been pretending to do building work but saying he's had a breakdown? Have you got to the bottom of that!?

Fifis25StottieCakes · 05/07/2011 11:03

I would be foaming. How can you ever trust him again.

we're in no imminent danger. i think he's just been taken for the fool he obviously is

And he has done the same to you.

blueandredscissors · 05/07/2011 11:10

If you take your children to his home country are you absolutely 150% SURE you will be able to take them out again? Do you have an indefinite right to reside there if you end up not being able to take your children out of that country?

More than anything else that's what would be worrying me about your situation. A life on the worst benefits possible here would be better than ending up in a separate country from my kids.

Your husband has either shown awful judgment by doing this deal and then needing to lie about it, either that or he's an out and out liar with a double life who's spun you this story to stop you going.

Either way, you CANNOT trust him. So unless you KNOW you have enough fixed rights to take your kids out of his country again OR stay there indefinitely yourself even if divorced, I don't think you should take your children there. Make him come to them, even if it costs more or it means waiting or it means them missing a trip they'll enjoy.

You can't trust him. If there's even a TINY chance he's shacked up with a new gf and with a long-term plan of ending up with your children, and you're not COMPLETELY sure you can take them out again, then keep them away.

gapants · 05/07/2011 11:19

You are putting yourself and your kids in danger if you go. He is now known as a "soft touch" to some pretty shady people, you think they wont come back and hit him up for more cash?

Say you make a go of your business and kids are in school and slowly you start to forgive your DH. It was all a terrible mistake. Then the shadies get back in touch, with a great "business opportunity" for your DH, your successful business is targeted, your children are targeted. Drug dealers are not nice people. They are violent and dangerous.

I know what I am talking about here op My cousins were "low level" drug dealers, didn't stop them blinding a guy with a snooker cue who wanted to get out of the business. Didn't stop them sealing their mums house from under her. Didn't stop one of them being put in a coma and now in a wheelchair from one of their enemies. One of them is serving time in jail, the other one is not long out.

Do you have ANY family, why are you so isolated?

earthswallowmeup · 05/07/2011 11:35

you make good points gapants, i'm listening to everything

just don't have any close family, parents died, just a few aged aunts, much younger siblings, 1 in uk with mental health problems

OP posts:
fuzzpig · 05/07/2011 12:09

You would be crazy to go. Drug dealing is never safe. People get killed over it, and you can't possibly believe he's told you the whole truth now - if he's lied this much already, how can you trust him at all?

noddyholder · 05/07/2011 13:58

You will be seen as easy targets for cash at the very least. Someone who can 'lose' 15k and not retaliate will be on their radar at the very least

DollyTwat · 05/07/2011 15:23

Just needed to add my comments, I can see you're in a difficult situation. You need to find out the tiny details of this drug deal.

An old friend once was a small time dealer, he paid over the money to someone who then stole it. Then the people who he owed money to killed his girlfriends dog and beat him up very badly. He thought he'd paid them (he probably had but they said this other person stole the money).

He won't be telling you the truth. Be very careful

Fifis25StottieCakes · 05/07/2011 17:04

Listen to gapants - if this is a drug deal gone wrong they wont just disappear. They know he has money and can afford to loose it. Anthing could be going on which is on the QT. I really think you need to have a hard think about what you could be getting yourself into. At the worst if he is still dealing with them you will be dragged into it, possibly loose everything and worse case scenario, if you turn a blind eye you could end up in prison.

I know woman who have been arrested on drug offences for turning a blind eye.

GypsyMoth · 05/07/2011 17:29

whats caused him to have the breakdown??

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