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Original poster

dh just revealed he's lost/spent our savings

120 replies

earthswallowmeup · 04/07/2011 17:10

this is probably the wrong place but i'm a bit stunned. i really don't know what to do
i'm packing up to move to another country next week to start new life and business. dh has gone on ahead 2 months ago. he has just revealed he used most of our savings on a drug deal and it went wrong and the money is lost.
i can't believe it. i had no idea he was involved in anything like that or even knew people who were.
im still in shock. he told me a couple of hours ago. im busy with selling our things and sorting out house and ds has been sick past 24hrs so im too tired to think straight.
i just don't know what to do. i've cried and screamed and the facts remain the same, our flights are booked and non refundable
i just don't know what to do. to stay or go. what to do about dh.
he's suddenly like a stranger. his solution seemed to be to do something illegal to try to recoup loss. seriously. i'm in shock and have no-one i can tell about this

OP posts:
kayah · 04/07/2011 23:21

how do you know you and your kids are going to be safe?

you can sell your property remotely

recup all money asap selling his crap

TheSecondComing · 04/07/2011 23:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

colditz · 04/07/2011 23:24

If he divorces you in hishome country you will either be trapped there forever or you will have to leave your children behind. Have fun with that. I think you're being very stupid.

kayah · 04/07/2011 23:26

I am not speculating here, but the truth is he is at home
OP - a guest, a foreginer

TBH, if my ex lived with me in the country I come from, 5 years or longer I could still arrange everything in such way that anything he was investing was in the end in my name

#you just need to know how to bribe and produce false documents

if his country is poor it would be easy to cheaply buy many favours...

Fifis25StottieCakes · 04/07/2011 23:30

TSC i agree, i think he has blew the money with his friends whilst he has been there and is using the drugs deal as a smoke screen. Either way he has blew all the money and you have nothing left. Selfish twat

The kids will be sadder living in a strange country with no money and you and dp arguing about it.

How will they be non they wiser Confused

If he has been involved in drugs you want to watch he doesnt involve you in them in a foreign country or you will be on banged up abroad.

TheFarSideOfFuck · 04/07/2011 23:32

yeah, the kids can play out in the sunshine

that's ok then Hmm

likelucklove · 04/07/2011 23:34

New but wanna chip in my penny's worth if that's OK.
A close family member had something similar happen with her ex husband. Money would mysteriously disappear, he would go out all night and not tell her where she was. She thought it was an affair but he was in fact, a huge drug dealer in the area. This was found after the relationship when after an injunction had been taken out because he had been violent, with police finally catching him after having a warrant for his arrest for years.
She has one young son and every time we speak about it, she still cannot forgive herself for letting her son in that situation, even if she didn't know. You never know who is after them and what they are capable of, especially when drugs are involved.
It just goes to show that you never know who you marry so there is no shame on your side - he should be feeling the shame since it was, at the very least, a reckless thing to do.
I would say don't go abroad because of the possible danger - maybe he could come back over for you two to talk it through if you wanted to? But there are also great refuges for families if he can't come back over straight away.
There is always uncertainty in moving to a different country but maybe this is too much?

Laquitar · 04/07/2011 23:35

'The kids will be happy in the sun' Hmm

Yes, don't forget to pack the sun protection lotion.

GypsyMoth · 04/07/2011 23:37

Money chasers!!!! Make me sick

kayah · 04/07/2011 23:46

I think the problem sometimes is - as I see it, when people are chasing some dream
and in case of OP it was dream comes true - the exchange rate etc, too favourable to let it pass
but then - if it was that easy - all who emigrated from that country would bring their savings, invested them and lived happily ever after

so ask yourself a question - why is it not happening en masse???

another argument - I am doing it for my kids, for better future

but as it stands their future is at least safer here

and somehow - that argument (is for the kids future) is overused as - can do anything...

Original poster
earthswallowmeup · 05/07/2011 00:06

i see your points but i've lived overseas most of my adult life. i've tried living in uk for past couple years and found it impossible to get a job. seriously, i've sent and handed in so many cv's and application forms for jobs and rarely even got an interview.
eventually i tried to focus on minimum wage jobs too but was told i was 'a bit too posh' and to try m&s when interviewed for tkmaxx!
even the jobcentre agreed my situation was typical of many women my age, few transferable skills, no experience. i could study again but i really can't afford to, still paying off my student loan!
i've looked at being self employed here but in the other country is far more profitable and we already owned property there so it makes sense. the only work we've had here has been linked to dh's home country. we've had to live on our savings and sell assets to keep afloat. it has been really stressful so we've put all energy into going back

i understand that a lot of people see here/ britain as safe and secure. i do to a point but i can't work out how to earn a living here. i really can't.

the kids are not about to be exposed to a crazy drug fuelled lifestyle or anything of the sort. we have a place to live. we don't argue in front of the kids and they are still very young.

OP posts:
kayah · 05/07/2011 00:12

as it happens I have lived abroad for most of my life too so I understand (up to the point) your frustration

but how old are you to be saying you can't study further?

both of you decided to invest many thousands over there, I presume you have property here too as you are renting it out

you can get a lodger to help to pay for your fees
you can retrieve money from there to keep supporting yourself here

is hard to be changinmg plans like that but IMHO you are making mistake

and shouldn't you say - we haven't argued in front of the kids...

you don't know how next week, next month is going to be

Original poster
earthswallowmeup · 05/07/2011 00:18

thanks for reply kayah, true but the kids are his too and they are desperate to see him after nearly 2 months. the eldest has been counting sleeps for ages already.
i think the solution of putting things in storage here and going to sort out the problems there is probably the best course of action. we have to move out of this house and our flights are paid for. at the worst it will be a holiday and i'll have to come back to uk and start from scratch again. but i've made up my mind, i think to go.

the kids are not in any danger, they have lots of cousins and family to see and are desperately excited to see their dad

OP posts:
Original poster
earthswallowmeup · 05/07/2011 00:21

and it's not that i'm too old to study but it's not economically viable. we need an income.
i went back to uni after dc1 and still paying off loan on useless degree.

OP posts:
Fifis25StottieCakes · 05/07/2011 00:22

But he has spent all the money and obviously wasnt thinking of them whilst doing it Confused

Empusa · 05/07/2011 00:22

If he's been involved in a drug deal "gone bad", how do you know the kids will be safe??

jasper · 05/07/2011 00:27

this drugs deal of his that went wrong...

Has he been busted by the authorities over there`?
Are there "heavies" involved?

If no to the above, is it a matter of time till "yes" applies?

kayah · 05/07/2011 00:35

also - how do you know he didn't sign off his property or anything of the future income to make that deal happen?

Fifis25StottieCakes · 05/07/2011 00:39

Thats right if it is a drug deal gone wrong its gone wrong which equals trouble and possibly paying people off. What country is he in?

Vespaatemydog · 05/07/2011 01:00

Dangerous to move

Blu · 05/07/2011 02:14

If your employment prospects are better over there, and you already own property independently, and you can live there on the strength of your own status, then I would go, but live separately from him, divorce him and reclaim everything you can from your joint assets, and start a new life there, but apart from him.

Not sure where the danger is - it sounds as if the drug contact are here in the UK.

But the truth could be anything. Who knows where the money went, or how. Why was the account he was supposed to put the savings in in his name only? And how did he use the money from that overseas accoungt to do a drug deal here?

I would go where you feel you have the most strength as a single parent - and start building a life for you and your children.

noddyholder · 05/07/2011 06:40

All you have is the moral high ground? Are you serious? This whole thread has been about trying to get someone to say you should go and that isn't what has happened. He will be loving this you are giving him carte Blanche to do as he pleases

GwendolineMaryLacey · 05/07/2011 06:56

Madness. Your DH is either a drug dealer who blew all your money or a lying scrote who has concocted a story so you don't go out there. And here you are merrily packing your bags? Do you really think, if he's telling the truth, that someone can be involved in a drug deal 'that went wrong' to the tune of £15k and you'll all be safe?

MamaChoo · 05/07/2011 06:58

Good luck OP. I hope you find all the answers you are looking for and resolve your financial and relationship problems in the best way for you and your kids.

nooka · 05/07/2011 07:20

I don't think it is very fair to say that the OP is 'merrily packing her bags' when she is obviously very upset, with her long term plans (and most probably her marriage too) in ruins. I know what it is like to be thrown a total curve ball, and you don't always react the way that you imagine you might before hand.

I think that putting your belongings into storage (most shipping companies will do this for you, although there will be a cost) and going out there to see what is what, if there are family that you can trust to help, and things to sort out is not a stupid thing to do. I doubt this is something that can be discussed on the phone.

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