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Original poster

dh just revealed he's lost/spent our savings

120 replies

earthswallowmeup · 04/07/2011 17:10

this is probably the wrong place but i'm a bit stunned. i really don't know what to do
i'm packing up to move to another country next week to start new life and business. dh has gone on ahead 2 months ago. he has just revealed he used most of our savings on a drug deal and it went wrong and the money is lost.
i can't believe it. i had no idea he was involved in anything like that or even knew people who were.
im still in shock. he told me a couple of hours ago. im busy with selling our things and sorting out house and ds has been sick past 24hrs so im too tired to think straight.
i just don't know what to do. i've cried and screamed and the facts remain the same, our flights are booked and non refundable
i just don't know what to do. to stay or go. what to do about dh.
he's suddenly like a stranger. his solution seemed to be to do something illegal to try to recoup loss. seriously. i'm in shock and have no-one i can tell about this

OP posts:
Original poster
earthswallowmeup · 04/07/2011 19:18

TSC dude eloquent as always..

i'm trying to think but brain not working. just realised haven't had a drink of water even since dh phone this morning. it's 7.15 and just about to eat dinner, i'm talking to strangers about my bizarre life instead of doing the million things that need to be done around the house while kids are going wild..

hmm thanks for all your help i need to regain some order here and once kids are in bed and glass of wine in hand perhaps it'll be clearer

and trying not to completely identify myself re: details. drugs are illegal and this is a shitty mess i'm in

OP posts:
catinthehat2 · 04/07/2011 19:18

why did he tell you with a week left to go in this country - what is his expectation?

(nb I don't think a reply will be forthcoming)

RosieMapleLeaf · 04/07/2011 19:21

My guess is that he had no choice left really, he had hoped to sort something out before she got there so she would be none the wiser, but he hasn't been able to so has to explain why the business isn't ready and they have no money.

sparklyjewlz · 04/07/2011 19:22
Hmm
TheOriginalFAB · 04/07/2011 19:27

If you go you won't come back and you will be living with a man you can't trust with no family or friends around you.

If you stay you can make your own way and new start with your children without living with a man who will lie and deceive you without a thought for you never mind your children.

ThunderboltKid · 04/07/2011 19:29

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at poster's request

RosieMapleLeaf · 04/07/2011 19:33

Not sure where you are going, but would you even be allowed to stay in the new country if your plans change? I am in Canada, I know you can come here on an entrepreneur visa but that requires a certain level of financial commitment.

Laquitar · 04/07/2011 19:33

Whatever we say you will go anyway....

Is it at least an english speaking country or do you speak the local language? Are you familiar the country? The very least you can do is to do some research NOW and find usufull telephone numbers of local women's organisations, keep that with you all the time. Are you staying in a city or countryside, if in country you will need your own car. Photocopy all passports, bank documents etc.

You really play with fire and putting your dcs in danger.

GypsyMoth · 04/07/2011 19:48

poor kids Sad

TheSecondComing · 04/07/2011 19:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
earthswallowmeup · 04/07/2011 20:07

you know TSC i was wondering something similar, but i'm so angry that i'm not even 'aroused/impassioned' into thinking too hard on what else might be going on. dh has fallen to lower than low in my eyes. i don't know what's going to happen to us

but i'm not a lovesick teenager running off to be with her man, i'm trying to get a grip on situation and work out what will be best for me and my children. financially. because i've always worked hard and strived for more. i don't want to walk away with nothing because i'm upset that my dh is a stupid lying ...god knows what

good point re: shipping, i'll call tomorrow see if i can put that on hold

funnily the first time i found mumsnet was some years back when faced with a total rock and hardplace situation. and today was feeling exactly the same way, like i'd go mad if i didn't speak to someone but no-one to talk to

thanks for everyone who's written, i'm chewing everything over

OP posts:
ScarlettIsWalking · 04/07/2011 20:08

When I read your op my I initial thought was he has concocted this story and he has used the money to make a new life.

Northernlurker · 04/07/2011 20:29

What would I do?

Well not go would be the first thing. If this story is true (and I am a bit Hmm) about it then your husband has quite simply put all your lives in danger.

Don't leave the country. Tell him to sell whatever you have out there. Get all the remaining cash transferred back to you now (why the hell would you only put it in his name? Hmm). Use that as deposit on a new house and then see what you can salvage here.

Oh and never EVER let your husband hold the purse strings again.

Original poster
earthswallowmeup · 04/07/2011 21:11

for people wondering if it could be true, seriously i envy you all.. unfortunately my life thus far has been almost back to back drama. my goal in life is just to make a good life for my kids, i treasure predictable reassuring routine above anything else.
this story from dh today has knocked the wind out of me literally. i never saw anything like this coming. we don't know anything about drugs! i don't know what to make of it, he hasn't even called back or texted since i shouted and screamed this morning.
i am pretty sure i'm going to go there and get to the bottom of this. if i put things in storage then i can always come back.
but to be honest i've found living in britain really hard as impossible to get a decent job. i'm bottom of the pile in the job market here. can't earn as much here as can there. i was self employed for a long time abroad before returning here and it's been a hard couple of years. i'm a week away from leaving for good, it's been 2 years of planning.
if i stay we'll just be eeking an existence and i might lose my mind. i feel like i have to go and sort this mess out, that dick of a man can't be trusted with what remains of our money and the property. god knows what he's capable of. his only solution shocked me to the core.

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 04/07/2011 21:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

noddyholder · 04/07/2011 21:36

Listen to TSC she is right. FWIW I think he is trying to put you off by spinning such a horrendous scenario you wouldn't dream of entertaining it. If you were single I would say go and watch him squirm but you aren't and there are more important things at stake here. Its a shame you can't sue the arse off him

GypsyMoth · 04/07/2011 21:44

which country are you heading to?

Laquitar · 04/07/2011 22:10

How did you pick the country? Does your dh has connections with it?

(i can think of a 'country' which is not actually a 'country' where lots of cheap ilegal building goes on and drug traficing business.)

You said your dh is building something. Make sure it is legal, did you check the land deeds?

Laquitar · 04/07/2011 22:21

TSC might be right. If she is not then how can you trust him? What if people after him?

kayah · 04/07/2011 22:39

OP never mentioned if the country they chosen as their destiny is his home country

that would change the whole picture

Laquitar · 04/07/2011 22:55

I agree kayah. Also the language. OP hasn't answered if it is an english speaking country or not, if she speaks the local language, if dh does.

kayah · 04/07/2011 23:02

we are speculating here - she decided to keep details to herself
is her right

I somehow feel it may be one of those countries where having more than one wife is customary....

colditz · 04/07/2011 23:12

If he's been involved in a dodgy drugs deal that's gone wrong, their FIRST TARGET will be his children. They will kidnap and abuse his children until he comes up with the money. Do NOT go.

Original poster
earthswallowmeup · 04/07/2011 23:16

the country is dh's home country. but i lived there for 5 years and own property there independently. it's a hard country to live in, especially if you're unsuccessful or short of cash. the money is a disater but the revelations from dh have thrown everything in the air.
i think he's been really stupid and greedy. where as i've always known you have to work hard for every penny and anything too easy will have a fatal flaw he has always been too entranced by the flash life of some friends.
i've been calculating what we can sell, his car, his dj equipment and i can probably recoup half of it. but he is seriously in no man's land. i've always felt i've married for life but i'm not going to be made a fool of or have my kids lives ruined. if he's embroiled in some sort of drug trade business there's no future for us. if he has some sordid double life better than i see it with my own eyes too
ds is enroled to start reception in new country and so much has been invested, financially and planning wise. if we stay here all i have is my higher moral ground and sad kids. i'm not leading them into any danger. he has put up money for some supposed deal. who knows what happened, i doubt i'll find out. but the kids will happy in the sun. they will be none the wiser of any dramas

thanks for all your input, really much appreciated

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 04/07/2011 23:20

Oh my!!!

How on earth can you lead your dc into this? You have enough info and facts, you know the risks

It's money isn't it? You are chasing money money money and with NO regard fir your dc!!

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