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Original poster

Ex-sister-in-law has invited me to her wedding - what would you do?

27 replies

autumnmum · 15/10/2010 19:24

My brother's ex-wife is getting married again and has invited me and my family to her wedding (church and evening do). She lives very close to me and I see her at least once a week and we get on well (she is the mother of my nieces). However, I feel very uncomfortable about going to the wedding (she has even asked if my DD will be a bridesmaid). I don't want to fall out with her by saying we won't come. I really do wish her and her new husband all the happiness in the world but it somehow doesn't feel right for me to go. It's going to be a big church do and there will be lots of people there I see at the school gate everyday. My brother is happy for me to go but he lives locally as well and I just don't want to fuel any village gossip. Help!

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 15/10/2010 19:26

Can't think why it would be a problem for anyone at all. Go and enjoy the day....it was nice of her to think of you.

echt · 17/10/2010 06:02

Go - what's the problem? I've been on good terms with all the exes of my family, largely because they've been nice. while my family members have been, well, members, in the widest meaning of that expressive word.

It's good to maintain these links - be complimented by her invitation.

I received a birthday card from my ex-SIL, who was succeeded by two others, last week. She always remembers me - my DBs never do.

Go, and wish her well.

HollyGoHeavily · 17/10/2010 07:28

I would go to the wedding and wish her well - I can't think how this would provoke negative village gossip!

Your nieces will also appreciate having their family there - it can be a confusing time for children and you being there will help give a bit of extra continuity and stability to what is going on.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings

FiveGoMadInDorset · 17/10/2010 07:31

I can' see what the problem is. Go and have fun.

Georgimama · 17/10/2010 07:36

If your brother doesn't mind and you get on well with her, why would you not go? If you care about village gossip (no reason you should) it would probably fuel more gossip if you don't go.

piscesmoon · 17/10/2010 07:51

I would only see a problem if your brother minded. If you were friendly with her before why would you stop?

seepinglumpymammaries · 17/10/2010 08:27

I understand where you are coming from. I was in the same situation recently and didn't go.

Just make up an excuse like have booked tickets for........ on this day

runmeragged · 17/10/2010 08:31

Her kids are your nieces, your kids are cousins to your nieces. Would think fine for you to go, particularly as your brother doesn't mind. If you are sure your brother is OK with it, you should go.

I like my sister in law, I'd be really sad if her and my brother got divorced, particularly if there were children involved. I think you are lucky that things are amicable and you are still able to see your nieces etc.

Original poster

autumnmum · 17/10/2010 16:17

Thanks for all the advice. I guess the main reason why I feel very uncomfortable about all of this is because she has only known the man she is marrying for a very short time (less than 12 months) and her kids don't like him. Both of her daughters have refused to be bridesmaids but she still wants my daughter to be one. Having seen the kids go through one messy marriage I really don't want them to go through it again. I realise as a family we have been lucky in that we are all still very much involved in my nieces lives (but I think this is probably due to the fact that they live with their dad most of the time). I guess I will have to come to terms with the fact this isn't all about me :) and buy a new frock and a hat.

OP posts:

LoveBeingAMardyBum · 17/10/2010 16:19

Then think of it as going to support your dn.

cat64 · 17/10/2010 16:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

QueeheeeheeeheenOfShadows · 17/10/2010 16:34

Would the daughters be happy if she married another man at all, though, that is the question....

AMumInScotland · 17/10/2010 16:55

I think if she's someone you see a lot, and she's invited you to the wedding, then you should go. It's really quite judgemental and unfriendly to decide not to go, whatever you think of the relationship.

But, knowing her own daughters do not want to be bridesmaids, I'd probbaly turn down the offer for your daughter to be one, to avoid comparisons/comments. She doesn't need to have any young bridesmaids, and its an awkward position for your daughter to be in.

phipps · 17/10/2010 16:58

Why on earth would it fuel gossip? You are going to a friends wedding who just happens to be your ex sister in law. And why wouldn't she want her niece as a bridesmaid?

The world would be a different place if people cared less what other people thought about things that have nothing to do with them.

TrillianSlasher · 17/10/2010 17:04

It sounds like as well as being your ex SIL she is your friend - of course you should go to her wedding. No-one else thinks it is weird.

TrillianSlasher · 17/10/2010 17:05

Ah, a stealth reveal.

What cat64 said.

SixtyFootGhooool · 17/10/2010 17:09

drip drip drip.

SixtyFootGhooool · 17/10/2010 17:09

Situation a differnt to situation B

chandra · 17/10/2010 17:14

I have attended weddings where I didn't like the groom, but the brides were my friends/family, therefore I was there because of the bride not whoever they were marrying.

If she is an important friend/ part of your family, you should go.

Original poster

autumnmum · 17/10/2010 17:38

I'm hearing you all loud and clear - looks like I'm going to be RSVP-ing YES. :o Didn't mean to mislead - I was just genuinly interested in your opinions without me getting all emotional about it. As anyone who has had family members divorce knows it is never clear cut even if you all try and remain friends. I really do like my ex-SIL. I can't stand the man she is going to marry and I can't imagine why anyone would rush into a marriage with a man her kids dislike so much. I also know refusing to go to the wedding won't stop her getting married.

I agree with phipps above the world would be a better place if people kept their noses out but it isn't like that. If it were just me and my DH I wouldn't give a monkeys about what people thought but my kids, my nieces and all the kids at the wedding go to the same small school. They all hear what their parents are saying at home and it all gets repeated in the playground. I'd rather not fuel any of that.

OP posts:

TrillianSlasher · 17/10/2010 18:00

I just don't see how there is anything to be repeated in the playground, or for you to "fuel".

What could possibly be said in the playground? "Autumnmum went to XXX's wedding" And? So what?

whomovedmychocolate · 17/10/2010 18:02

Just because you don't approve of the wedding, doesn't mean you can't go and cheer them on. We've all been wrong in the past. Give her the benefit of the doubt you daftie.

In any case, if you say yes and it all falls apart before the wedding, you look supportive. If you say no, and it breaks down you will be partly to blame for making her doubt her decision

whomovedmychocolate · 17/10/2010 18:02

and there will be cake so you should definitely go

AMumInScotland · 17/10/2010 18:11

Is there something else you've not told us yet? I don't see what there is to "fuel" or "repeat in the playground". Someone you see regularly is getting married. You are going to the wedding. What's to talk about? I'd have thought it would more likely to cause talk if you were known to have decided not to go to the wedding, when your daughter might well mention that you hadn't had anything else on that day.

clam · 17/10/2010 18:19

If you go, there will be less talk than if you vetoed it.
If you take your DB out of the equation and it was "just" a friend marrying someone you didn't care for, would you go?

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