I'm a long term benefits user: AMA

[mycheeseplantiscalledcharles]

I won't bore you with the long back story but to sum it up I had a professional career then two of my DC were disabled, needing FT care. They are now 19 and I've been on income support and now UC for 18 years. I have always felt comfortable financially and never had any debt. AMA.

Your username is very apt isn’t it ? OP’s husband had a breakdown and left her to get on with it. There is no ‘us and our children’, OP is all they have. Try reading the thread before being so bloody unpleasant.

This may be too personal a question so ignore it if you don't want to answer but why are you still married? Does he contribute either financially or practically?

It grates when people on benefits can describe themselves as "comfortable and debt free" when this is a pipe dream to a lot of people who graft every day.

I would argue it is positive that someone is managing what little money they have responsibly, living within their means and not getting into debt.

So on top of everything else Op has to cope with you’d be happier if she was in debt too ? And OP works - she’s a tax payer too. Shitty, thoughtless comment.

I agree with this, people are allowed to have a reasonable quality of life, even on benefits. I think OP is doing a great job in a very difficult situation.

Jealous are you?

OP is working as much as she can. Are you on the right thread ? If so why are you bashing a poster who is claiming benefits for exactly what they’re intended for and who is being careful not to get into debt ? Do you imagine that being in debt and struggling would make things better for her, given what she has on her plate ?

No, just incapable of critical thinking. Another benefit basher who prefers to swallow government rhetoric rather than think for themselves.

OP has been extremely clear why she can’t work. I expect she’s working harder than many of us. I wouldn’t swap for sure!

for OP!

It is exactly this - many men “agree” to become parents rather than wanting to become parents. So when parenting is hard they f- off. The liberalisation of society has enabled this. It used to be a crime to abandon your family without means of support.

OP - you sound amazing and all hail to you. This is clearly a situation not of your making where the benefit system is working as it should. Good luck - I hope there is a support for DC to live somewhere in future and so you can do a little more paid work and get some respite.

OP, do you have any council daycare or a Shared Lives scheme? This could give you some respite care and let your children test the waters outside the family home?
https://www.nhs.uk/social-care-and-support/care-services-equipment-and-care-homes/shared-lives-schemes/[flowers]

DH was in a professional role and doing his doctorate when the twins were born. Our lives took a completely different turn and he did not cope well with it. I now suspect he is autistic. I am very much a positive person and when under pressure I am on autopilot. He completely crumbled, basically took to his bed and it was more or less a downward spiral from there. I believe the counselling he had was very detrimental, it caused him to become more self absorbed and resentful of me that I was not "caring" for him. His counsellor told him that whilst I was busy, I wasn't prioritising him. I absolutely want, he was a grown assed adult and we had 3 DC under 2 to look after, one of whom was in hospital for months. We don't live together but he is invested in the DC, even if it's not the way he should be. He isn't a bad person, but has his own issues and quite frankly I am not prepared to be a carer for another person.

Exactly this. Disability can and does strike anyone, any time. You sound wonderful, OP. A brilliant mum, who's been well deserving of the necessary benefits for your DC.

I was born three months prematurely,, so can relate, but was fortunate to "only" havd mild high frequency hearing loss (although I'm sure i hsve undiagnosed ADHD too). I had a head injury and post concussion syndrome before being injured permanently by an off label antipsychotic that gave me a movement disorder called tardive dyskinesia. So,yes, disabilities happen unexpectedly, and for those who say that it won't change anything or happen to them... be careful what you say in ignorant bliss.

Sending hugs, OP. Your children are incredibly fortunate to have such a brilliant mum.

Because a divorce or even legal separation is something else for me to do. I have no desire to be in another relationship so haven't seen the need for it. Weirdly I suppose losing the marriage status is another form of insecurity for me too, although k knows that is not rational.

I'm so sorry about this OP. Yet another spoilt man child failing to accept that priorities shift when children arrive, even completely healthy children with no additional needs. These so-called men are absolutely ridiculous. You have enough to deal with without being his carer.

I think this was a great question, actually. It would help to know so that I could ask you questions without offending you etc.

I'm scared to ask now so I guess I'll scroll others Q&A!

Sounds tough. I don't judge you.

No questions, just admiration and 💐 for you, and 🖕 to your husband who abandoned his own kids. Divorce him and take half his pension.

And 🖕 to all the whiners who are jealous of OP being debt-free. The carers of disabled people often live very small lives, with no holidays, no treats, no meals out, because they cannot get respite care to let them spend that time away. It's hard to run up debts when you don't have any opportunity to spend money.

Sorry I'm not keeping up with all the posts but to answer a few questions. I'm very ashamed of how much I receive, when I first went on benefits I was horrified at the amount (which admittedly was only so high as both boys getting severely disabled element) and I said to a lady in the job centre that I didn't need the full amount. She looked at me as if I had ten heads and said I couldn't pick and choose and that I had to take it all. For some reason I've always hated income support, that in particular made me feel very low.

I've volunteered with CAP and many people in my situation are in spiralling debt. I'm very fortunate in that I come from a fairly stable family and my parents were very financially astute, from a very young age I was aware that you have to live within your means. I buy nearly everything second hand, I'm not interested in status items or designer names and I value experience over things.

Yes haha meals out are not even an option and I begrudge the cost anyway. We have gone on some holidays and they have been medicine for the soul but they have been very budget. I enjoy the simple things in life which makes things much easier.

This. The benefits system is not at all generous, as those of us who have mostly worked, but had a period of involuntary unemployment, know. Very annoying when people pontificate on the benefits system with no experience of it. Even more annoying when they grandly announce that they've "always worked and never claimed benefits", as if they really think it makes them somehow virtuous - when what it actually makes them is lucky.

I'm very ashamed of how much I receive, when I first went on benefits I was horrified at the amount (which admittedly was only so high as both boys getting severely disabled element) and I said to a lady in the job centre that I didn't need the full amount. She looked at me as if I had ten heads and said I couldn't pick and choose and that I had to take it all.

This seems designed to wind people up OP.

I am very angry with your husband and also with his counsellor. Wtaf?? Empowering him to basically absolve himself of any responsibility!!!

The OP does work. It's right there in her posts.

I hear you on the getting a break by going to work OP. Definitely the space to decompress from the grind of adult disabled kids. I'd go batshit without work.

Does your husband support you financially?

sounds like you’ve done a great job supporting your kids and brilliant you’ve got back into work!