I've been a prostitute on and off since I was a young adult. AMA.

[IAMAthroway]

Just that, really. I am drunk and bored, and I've noticed in the past on MN, many sweeping statements made about sex workers that I don't always agree with (i.e we are all brainwashed into thinking we are happy with our career choice, but really we are miserable)

For background, I started when I was 19, maybe late 18. I got into it because I was lapdancing and noticed those who offered "extras" after hours made 3x what I did. I was young and stupid, and sex just felt like sex to me, so it was quick, easy money. I left when I was 23/24 and met DH.

I got back into it when I was in my early 30s and left DH with nothing to my name, but left again when DH and I agreed to a suitable child maintenance arrangement, and I could afford to live.

I went back into it 2/3 months ago when possible redundancies were announced at my work, and I realised benefits covered only around 2/3 of my basic outgoings. I am in my early 40s with two adult children who still rely on me. DS is in uni, and DD has just started an NMW job; both still live with me.

Prostitution has been around for a long time and I do not see it going away anytime soon. Arguing about the rights and wrongs of it is fairly pointless IMO.

Well, it comes from my own very painful experiences, and the experiences I witnessed other women, who were both coerced and freely choosing prostitution, have at the time in the industry. The alcohol and drug dependence, the disordered self image, the lack of boundaries, the lack of self-respect, the chaotic lives, the rape that was dismissed and denied, and so on.

If people don't like those observations, then perhaps they should try being prostituted, and see what they think then.

Ha yes, it can take some getting used to!
Yes,,I can see what you mean about it being a factual statement. I think a lot of people read it as accusatory/condemnatory but I didn't

I have no clue why Nevs last post was deleted - it literally had nothing offensive in it!

I think the mods might need to moderate themselves a little on this thread.

So what, though? A lot of pps including yourself have asked OP whether she enjoys the sex, and personally I reckon she's getting flak because people think she might. Unless I've missed something, she hasn't said she does, but hey, know what? Even if she did enjoy it, it'd be her prerogative. And I think that's what certain pps on this thread really can't stand - the fact that OP isn't ashamed, and isn't saying she vomits and scrubs herself with bleach after every time.

@Nevs, your reply instantly went, which I don't think was warranted. I saw what you said about being judgemental and I agree.

Imo it's an overcorrection to times when people might judge a scantily dressed woman if she were raped (well that still happens...) or an atheist as immoral etc for not believing in God.

But the opposite extreme is unhelpful. Judging choice does not mean judging the person themselves as bad and to be condemned. And if you don't judge anything it can lead to dangerous situations , among other things

Thank you. Perhaps I could've framed my thoughts more carefully, but seeing people promote prostitution as a positive choice tends to hit a nerve for me. Especially when, so often, people without any personal experience tend to try to shout down and shut up people who have negative personal experiences.

I’ve no issue with people judging. It’s going to happen, and after all our legal and therefore to an extent moral system is upheld by someone literally called a judge so it stands to reason it isn’t always wrong.

But I think the idea of respect is a funny one in this context. I mean, I will go to work tomorrow and I know I will be spoken to like shit, I will have unrealistic expectations placed before me and will be blamed for things I have no control over (I love my job ) and I’ll put up with it because the alternative (not having a job) is worse.

Does that mean I don’t respect myself? I don’t think it does. It’s just a shit job I can shrug off.

One of the things I do find frustrating about MN and the feminism board in particular is that not all feminists think the same thing or the same way. The prostitution debate is divided between those that view it as patriarchy in action (the broad consensus on this thread) and those who include the possibility of sex workers having some agency.But we are broadly on the same side, even if we do not agree on a particular aspect of feminism and I think that needs to be discussed in a way that doesn’t attack or dehumanise the woman. Otherwise tbh what sort of feminism even is that?

There’s a massive difference between ‘I’m sorry but I can’t see prostitution as a positive choice on any context’ - that’s reasonable and fair - and ‘you have no self respect’ which is not.

but the same could be said for relationships in general theres some good and some bad etc ?

What? That's strange way of interpretingmy posts. I would feel ot was better if OP DID enjoy the sex. At least she'd be getting some pleasure.

But she's mainly said she doesn't. She says she dissociates and this is easier because she has never connected emotion with sex, which seems sad. -

Quotes : 'They want me to enjoy myself as much as they enjoy it. I've always found that strange. They're paying for a service so I don't get why I need to enjoy it. They all try to make come. I never do but I let them think I have.'

'I've never attached any emotion to sex, even before I started doing this.
Its like walking the dog in the cold or rain. Not something I particularly look forward to but not something that traumatized me either. I'm usually thinking of something else entirely during the sex, what I'm having for dinner or what I should watch on TV etc'

My experience from seeing the women around me was 100% bad. The ones who seemed wholly unbothered by it were generally the ones with abusive or traumatic backgrounds who had just entirely shut down, and divorced themselves from their bodies.

I imagine there are a very small percentage who are both mentally and emotionally healthy, and unbothered by prostitution, but I think they're the exception, not the norm.

I'm really sorry you have such horrible treatment at work 💐

I'm not sure if this is comparable with OP though....she says beauty is her day job so she does have another option.

“I’m sorry but” 😂😂

We don’t fluff our words and we certainly don’t offer insincerely apologies, partially just for making an observation and stating a difference of opinion.

Nevermind. This will get deleted soon too.

My personal experience is that women engaging in prostitution have no self-respect, and the way the OP so dismissively slipped in mention of being raped multiple times as if it's no big deal, makes me think she suffers from the same issue of low or no self respect.

It doesn't make someone a bad person (obviously), and it's very sad. I have nothing but sympathy for the OP, but I don't think what she's doing is commendable or healthy for her in the long run. Although I understand that given her history, she may feel that she has no other choice. I don't judge her though, I judge the clients.

Well yes but what’s that got to do with anything? I don’t mean that in an arsey way, more a puzzled, pondering sort of way.

I don’t think prostitution only has to be done by the utterly desperate and vulnerable. So what are we saying, that it’s morally acceptable or at least understandable if someone is in dire straits but otherwise unacceptable? I don’t buy that argument, sorry. It isn’t like theft: understandable if starving but otherwise wrong.

fair points, ill admit overall its a tricky subject, i think for me the puzzlement is if a woman can choose who her customers are then why is it omg if she charges for her services etc ? after all if someone is willing to pay for your services etc then why not make profits ?

Maybe because I , personally (and I think many other women) see sex as something we enjoy physically & emotionally for ourselves, not a 'sevice' we do for others? 🤢

don’t buy that argument, sorry. It isn’t like theft: understandable if starving but otherwise wrong.-

Can you elaborate more on what you mean?

but then id argue some people enjoy doing walkking peoples dogs, ironing clothes, baking cakes, washing cars etc all different aspects that could be done for another person ? so if you can charge for those services then why should or would sex be any different ?

I’d call that disassociation rather than a lack of self respect.

I have a friend who told me she thought she’d been sexually assaulted (she had.) But the reason she didn’t think she had been was because we were watching Hollyoaks (I know, we were young) and she said ‘but look, this character is all upset and traumatised and I wasn’t bothered.’ She was bothered but she was right, she didn’t feel as the character felt.

People do react to things in all sorts of different ways and (this is key) they have the right to do so. Reactions aren’t wrong; rape is. There’s enough policing of women as it is.

Perhaps in a perfect world, it wouldn't have negative impacts.

But there are a multitude of factors that mean in reality, prostitution is almost always driven by trauma, poor boundaries, and a lack of self-worth, and generally only exacerbates those things and causes more trauma and lowers self-respect.

I do agree that it's possible for women to be prostitutes without being negatively affected, and perhaps some are. It might also depend on the type of sex work - for instance, a dominatrix might find it less impactful. But I have found that even with women who claim to be happy in the work, and healthy, if you dig down beneath the social veneer, you generally find a history of attachment issues, trauma, and other emotional problems.

its like the quote in a film "if your good at something then never do it for free"

Sex is much more intimate than washing a car or walking a dog. Forcing someone to walk a dog or wash a car is a crime, but not as bad a crime as forcing someone to have sex with you.

If it were just the same, that wouldn't be the case