I'm a secret SAHM alcoholic

[Theblondewino]

Married, two kids, stay at home mother and functioning alcoholic. Both my kids are happily playing with toys in front of me while I sip on my second vodka and sprite and wrap gifts for nieces birthday tomorrow

This is really sad OP. You've admitted what you are, are you saying you want to stop drinking? I think you're going to have to be brave and share with someone else in real life.

My cousin was the same. Her adult children no longer speak to her because she refuses to try and stop. Her son is in prison for 5 years, he never had a normal life at home. You may think it all appears normal but it’s not. My cousin got pulled over for speeding drunk with the kids in the car.

if you can’t do it for yourself please do it for your children!

No such things a 'functioning' alcoholic. It impacts your life, even if you think it doesn't. Stop for the sake of your kids. Anything less is selfish.

OK. As the child of an alcoholic mother I will throw in my twopenneth @Theblondewino. When you say that the children have no idea I think you are probably wrong. The may be too little at the moment to understand what they know, but they do already know it. They will know that your behaviour, reactions, attentiveness waxes and wanes. They will know that you are different from other adults they are close to. When they begin to understand what alcohol is they will know to express their needs differently depending on the time of day or other signs indicating how much alcohol you have in you. They will hide things from you because your responses are not reliable.

They will go on to think that they are in some way to blame for your choices and behaviour. They will be sad that there was always this thing, this veil, between them and a loving, present parent. They will be angry with you, maybe when you are an old woman as my mother is you will still piss them off and it will influence how often or how quickly they come to see you when you get round to needing them.

Overall, even with time, work and understanding the children of alcohol dependant parents will always feel sad about it.

Edit - I’ve just read that you are grieving the loss of your mum. I’m really sorry, when you have small children it must double the pain of the loss. But please consider that the drink may muffle your pain but all that you’re doing is passing that pain onto your children by other means.

You can't confront an addict or get them help. They have to want to do it themselves.

My best friend is an alcoholic. She swears she's the same person whether she has a drink or not. She isn't. At all. And is currently in hospital with a second bout of sepsis. It will kill her, and it's destroyed her relationship with her daughter and yes she still swears blind she doesn't have a problem. It's very sad and I have already accepted I will lose her at a young age. She is early 50's and I cannot imagine she will see 60. And if she does, she will probably be alone. You think your kids won't notice, you think your husband won't notice, but they will. She is like you though, in complete denial. If you honestly think drinking half a bottle of vodka a day isn't going to do you long term and eventually irreversible damage you are so so wrong.

Please get help, if not for you, then for your kids.

I do drive. I DO NOT drive when drinking. I don't drink every single day, the days I don't drink I feel better about life and about everything in general, this is my first day drinking since the 2nd of January.

I definitely drink less now than before I had kids.

My mother passed away just before my son first child was born and I miss her so much every day and when I think about her and how she hasn't ever met my dc and seeing them grow up I immediately feel I need to drink to cope with the feelings

You might well be able to function for now, but what happens if your child falls and hits their head, and you have to take them to hospital. It will come out at some point.
If you don't feel you can abruptly stop then why not set yourself a time you don't drink before, push it back every few days (that alone will reduce the amount) and then alternate days, then reduce to just once a week then stop.
You don't need this to feel normal, once you're over the withdrawal you will feel normal all the time and it will be such a relief, you just need to get past the craving it stage.

I would just encourage you to ponder whether it might suddenly escalate and you very suddenly might find yourself scarily out of control. I’m the child of an alcoholic and although I wasn’t abused I’ve realised there was an emotional unavailability that has left some very quiet deep scars in me. It’s quite a common feature of children of alcoholics apparently and even if the parent is ‘in control’. Check out ACOA because if your parent was an alcoholic then it could very well apply to you. I think I cried for a week reading others stories because I finally understood a part of myself and felt seen. I hope you can find a way out for yourself. You deserve better x

Do you drive?
By the way, everyone knows. They're just too scared to confront you. And there's no such thing as a functioning alcoholic. The alcohol makes them deluded enough to think they're functioning, but actually they're failing at everything and unravelling day by day.

If you genuinely mean this, the first step is to tell your husband the whole truth.

However, if you’re posting this under the influence of alcohol, it’s easy to say you want to stop, while you’re getting your fix.

Next steps are:

1. See your GP. Request help and also a liver test, to see if you’ve done any damage to your body.
2. Find a local AA meeting and start going. They’re mainly in the evening, so your DH can look after the children.

https://www.hulldailymail.co.uk/news/uk-world-news/drunk-mum-slept-suffocated-baby-7337905?intsource=mantissrecrhc&inttmedium=web&intcampaign=moreelikethissrhc_comments

Please read this news story. I knew this woman well. She had warning after warning but still killed two babies. Her husband was blind to it as it inconvenienced his life.

Don't be her

You're right, but most people here are judging.

Did you drink during your pregnancies?

I haven't considered this. But when he gets home he is with the kids and myself and doesn't seem like he drinks in the sly. I clean the house and have never found anything suspicious in his things or hidden around the house

Trust me it's not a secret , my mum is and always has been an alcohol convinced nobody noticed or knew everyone knew just nobody ever said it to her face . If she had any idea of the pain she cause me over the years from her drinking .

Goodness no. I planned both pregnancy and never had a single drink until youngest was 6 months old.

@Betchyaby sorry confront maybe overly strong - much much family experience of various addictive poor coping methods for bad feelings here, I completely agree you cannot help someone who isn't ready to try.

But I don't think anyone really tried to help my GM in those days it was all 'we'll keep this dreadful failure of self control secret due to the scandal'.

Good luck @Theblondewino I hope you manage to find support.

What is stopping you from going to the GP and telling them what you have said here?
You are by no means alone. The people who get out are the ones that recognise they need help and ask for it. You need and deserve help to heal. The time is now.

My friend died of alcoholism 10 years older than you. They were functioning at 35, not really functioning at 40 and then not functioning and physically unrecognisable a year before they died.

Im not judging, I never judged them, life is so complicated and throws some serious shit at people.

You need to be aware of the path you may be on.

If you want to stop your first step is making a gp appointment and he will be able to signpost you. The fact you know its an issue is a great start. When I went through this I didn't think it was an issue until I was hospitalised for withdrawal and i lost temporary custody of my kids.There was lots of support though once professionals got involved my gp the local drugs and alcohol service and i did online AA meetings. I now have my kids back and doing a lot better.

From one ex functioning alcoholic to you, It is time to give it up. You think you are functioning but in reality you are not. You think people don't know, let me tell you they do. Reach out to AA and get your life back. Is it easy ? No it is not, is it worth it, yes it is. Only you can do this but you will be supported and in the future you will be here to see your children's future.
I hope you can make that change, it can only ever be for the better.

Did you stop when you were pregnant?

Because you always have alcohol in your system it comes out in your pores. It also has an effect on your skin. They called it alcoholic flush. Ex was an alcoholic he suffered terribly with psoriasis. I say was because he’s dead. I can smell an alcoholic a mile away. Please get help he left it too late. When he did try to cut down he started having withdrawal seizures as a result became disabled.

I’m just glad I left when I did. I would have ended up being his carer. What made me decide to leave was when he came home 1 night fell assleep downstairs and wet himself. I have 2 dc with SEN. I didn’t want our DC to watch him slowly dieing. School staff will definitely notice when dc start school and nursery. It might only be 3-4 now. What happens when that isn’t enough to satisfy you?

A friend of mine was a functioning alcoholic for many years. None of us realised how much of an issue it was until things went wrong. Long story short, in her late 40s she ended up very nearly dying, in hospital for months, tube fed for longer and is now blind. Purely though alcohol.

I also have a relative who died of multiple organ failure on her early thirties, she was a functioning alcoholic who was raised by alcoholic parents who were the life and soul of the party.

This is not going to end well for you or your kids OP.