I'm a secret SAHM alcoholic

[Theblondewino]

Married, two kids, stay at home mother and functioning alcoholic. Both my kids are happily playing with toys in front of me while I sip on my second vodka and sprite and wrap gifts for nieces birthday tomorrow

I used to be the same, I’m also the same age as you, although I don’t think I drank as much as you. I went to the doctors for some blood tests that were irrelevant to the drinking. Found out I have stage 2 kidney disease from alcohol… it kicked me right up the behind and made me stop in my tracks. Very scary! I’m a single parent and cannot leave my children alone. I hope you get the help you need x

My friend did this ... she ended up losing everything. Her kids, her husband, her teeth, her mind. Not exaggerating. She's in a facility now with early onset dementia. She stopped drinking but it was too late. Her kids are now late teens/young adult and won't speak to her. She doesn't really know what's happening to her any more or where she is. It's heartbreaking. She'd grown up with two alcoholic parents. Her husband was cold and unforgiving when he found out she was drinking, and had put the kids at risk. OP please get help. It's huge that you shared this. Secrets can kill us.

I used to work in a pub where all the locals/regulars came in for a pint..then they'd have halves for the rest of the session.

You have made the first step by posting this - well done - clearly you want to stop or you would not have posted. Now take the second step and seek professional help over this – there will be many who will be behind you on this journey – reach out, be brave and do it : )

I’ve never posted before but my parents were functioning alcoholics - rarely “drunk” but never went a day without a drink. I don’t remember them being actively unpleasant towards us but I think there was a feeling of them being disconnected from us as kids and perhaps a sense that having a drink was always the priority for them. They stopped drinking spirits when I was around 12 (she was 38 ish) and after that averaged 1.5 bottles of wine a day. In 2023, aged 76, my mother went into hospital with rectal bleeding and died 10 days later of liver decomposition - those 10 days were horrific to watch - please don’t put your kids through this - my mum was not a brown paper bag falling over drunk but it still killed her and her death certificate says she died of alcoholism which makes me sad.

Hi op I’m not a big drinker but I know a few who are. Kids do suffer eventually your health will suffer at some point. If you become a non functioning alcoholic you could lose your kids, your husband and your home. I say this after watching a friend lose her child he hated her for not being there for him his mental health is bad really bad. I would see your gp asap and go to AA meetings or get counselling to see why you drink. Don’t lose everything then fix yourself your kids need you now. Tell your husband or someone you can confide in because if you don’t you might not get help as you think it is all ok. Imagine if your dc needed the hospital and you couldn’t get them there or the hospital reported you to social services wake up now. Good luck.

Do you have photos or items of your mums? I lost my mum just before my youngest a first birthday. That was 2 years ago. I often get her pics out and talk to my children about nanny. Sometimes we laugh at things, sometimes we cry. But we don’t not talk. I find it really helpful. Maybe you could do this with your son one day? Tell him what she was like, things you did, any funny memories. It might help you grieve in a way where you don’t feel you need to drink to get through it. X It’s the hardest thing to lose a mum, it’s even harder to parent when you’ve lost a mum. I’m here with you there.

No such thing as a ‘functioning alcoholic’. Youre just an alki with responsibilities.

One of my best friends was a functioning alcoholic.
She was seemingly fit, healthy, never had a hangover, looked great, good work performance, great wife and mum....she died a few years ago aged 41.

One of the saddest sites was seeing her 12 year old son in his new black suit, walking behind her coffin.

I attend a support group for family members of addicts, my son is addicted to drugs. I listen to the adult children of alcoholics talk about the trauma- never being truely present in your childrens life, being a Jekyll and Hyde without realising. There are so many traumising things that are dismissed by the addict, often people think children who are young don’t know or realise but they do.

i also have a close friend who has gone from functioning for many years and looking after her young daughter to end stage cirrhosis in a year. There’s little warning before the liver fails. Her daughter would constantly show signs of trauma that I saw clearly but her mum didn’t see it because her first priority was always the alcohol.

The thing with addiction is that people know but choose to ignore it, it’s easier to not rock the boat. The shame and guilt of the addict and the family members stops people from getting help. But there are so many ways to get help. You couldn’t just stop, that might be dangerous. Call your GP, call an addiction helpline, look for an online meeting where you would be counselled on first steps. My BIL finally went on to antibooze after 4 rehabs and being thrown out by his wife. He now has his life back and is back working and with his family.

It’s not easy, but you took the first step today by coming on here. I hope you reach out.

My mum was a functioning alcoholic, quite genuinely. She held down a demanding job as a Fleet Street journalist (surrounded by other alcoholics, I suspect) until her liver finally gave up the unequal battle. The damage was to her personal life: she was very, very difficult. I was her only child, and went low contact, for my own mental health.

This is your kidneys screaming at you to stop. Please go and see your GP, there's lots of support out there, you deserve to feel better

Mine was the same but the other way round. Started spirits at around the same age - late 30’s. Both her and my dad would easily drink a litre a day between them my dad died in his 60’s. They were very unhappy in their marriage so when he died you would think it may have made her see sense. It didn’t.

By the end she was drinking 200 units a week. She died aged 71. Remarkably it wasn’t her liver that killed her but her heart disease.

Tragic to watch.

My husband started like you. A whisky in the evening “to relax” and then it crept up and up. Until he was falling down in charge of our children and I left him. He died at 36 of alcoholic hepatitis and liver failure leaving our two and five year old without a dad. I have cleared over 150 whisky bottles he hid from our house. If you are worried, speak to your husband, you friend your GP, AA and seek help now. It can spiral out of control so fast and I wouldn’t wish what all four of us went though on anyone

OP, you have been receiving a great deal of sympathetic support on this thread and I hope you will be able to follow some of the advice and help yourself. Know that there will be many people reading this thread who might also have alcohol dependence and may be able to use the many responses to shock themselves into doing something about their own consumption. Threads like this spread help much more widely than just to the OP!

OP get help to stop, don’t try and do it alone. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and it’s not great. Don’t put your kids through that.

No they’re not safe. They are young enough not to be at school on a weekday, and their mother is already on her second vodka (i.e. at least her fourth) at 1.15 p.m.

My brother in law died of alcoholism last year. He left behind 2 children now aged 12 and 14 who are now in therapy and struggling to cope with life. He had drunk since they were born starting out just like you with some vodka and cans. He was a teacher then and a functioning alcoholic. Before long half a bottle wasn't enough to give him that same feeling of release. In the end he drank almost 1.5litres vodka a day. His death was slow and painful for him and everyone in his life. Cirrhosis of the liver, broken hips due to osteoporosis, he was unable to walk in the end and passed away age 42. Please get help.

You sound very lonely. Do you get out to toddler groups or any activities with other parents of small children? It can make a big difference to have some adult company.

I am not / was not an alcoholic but during lockdown wino’clock became everyday and 3-4 bottles a week. You can cut back. Start with nothing before a certain time ie kids have to be in bed. As your tolerance changes aim for nothing weekdays. If you can’t go cold turkey substitute. Get a ‘treat’ drink instead. Use non alcoholic beers (great options out there), or non alcoholic spirits.

you can do it. Don’t aim for overnight - target 6 mths progressively. Once you are over the addiction phase you realise its habit.

Do speak to GP and maybe get some health/blood tests. Cholesterol and fatty liver were a wake up call for me.

You miss and grieve your mother now as an adult. Visualise this for your children at a much younger age. That isn’t what you want. GP should be able to help with therapy as well.

Seek help you are a danger to your children and yourself

Setting bad example for your children.
A high percentage of adult children of alcoholics become alcoholics themselves.
Being in charge of young children whilst squiffy is not a good idea either.
Sorry to say OP but try and get help to give alcohol up until they are 18.

Your first step was today . My worry would be you are drinking while being at home with the children. Please get help to stop.You come across as a good person. I’ve not read all of the comments but I hope you do ,join a playgroup or even put the 3 year old in nursery one or two mornings and you will soon make friends that will be with you as your children get older . I’m saying this as a Nan and in another lifetime I was a single mum of two without family around .Wishing you every success.You must stop your children will thank you . Help is there .

i was a alcoholic for 2 years straight I consumed 1 and a half bottles of vodka a day and sometimes some Bacardi if the weather was nice. One day I was not able to afford my bottles for the day so I went cold turkey and I suffered from something called delirium tremens and I nearly died from it. It scared the life out of me I had to go hospital for treatment. You should search it up, Do you suffer like this if you don’t drink?

You need to find other ways to deal with unhappiness, frustration, boredom, etc. It looks as if alcohol is your crutch... a sad crutch. Also, I feel as if you don't have much beyond children and housework to give your life meaning. Unless you're back to the fifties (and even then, home and children were not enough for most women to find fulfilment -I recommend you read The Feminine Mystique) cooking home-made meals and bringing up children rarely keeps anyone fulfilled ALL the time. Try and find a passion -something that makes you feel alive, perhaps a course of study; many are online now - something you love doing, that you can resort to every time you need to drink.

It's very difficult to get over an addiction unless you find a healthy replacement for it. I understand your children are very young, but I started a master's degree when my son was two, and that made me a better mother. It made me appreciate my time with him more, I gave him quality time, and as I was pursuing a passion, I felt happy and full of life. Children know instinctively when a parent is unhappy, or empty, or meaningless. Drinking is never the way out.